В модели Большого взрыва Вселенной, Позитрон вероятно был первым веществом, которое было создано и, вероятно, будет последним, которое исчезнет. Для любой модели это первичное, основное и самое простое понятие, которое может быть описано как вещество.
Для нескольких испытуемых была важна тема истории и связи с прошлым. Один из испытуемых ощутил связь с связь с началом времен… Я чувствовал идею наследия, нашу общую родословную, возвращаясь в историю на протяжении тысячелетий, связь со всеми людьми, когда-либо ходившими по земле…
В алхимии первый этап процесса создания философского камня – это поиск Первичной Материи, из которой создается все остальное. Этот драгоценный материал был описан как vilis vilisimus, самый гнусный из ничтожного, который должен был быть найден “в навозной куче”. Это отражает христианское христианское учение о камне, который “отвергли строители, и который стад краеугольным камнем.”
Наиболее важные темы прувинга вращаются вокруг вопросов Материи, Антиматерии и Энергии.
Anti-matter – Matter, substance, weight and structure.
Stone, bronze, stone, steel, stone, oakleaves, horses’ heels
Over the paving.
And the flags. And the trumpets. And so many eagles.
How many? Count them. And such a press of people.
We hardly knew ourselves that day, or knew the City.
This is the way to the temple, and we see so many crowding the way.
So many waiting, how many waiting? what did it matter on such a day?
Are they coming? No, not yet. You can see some eagles. And hear the trumpets.
Here they come. Is he coming?
The natural wakeful life of our ego is perceiving.
We can wait with our stools and sausages.
T.S.Eliot from Coriolan the Triumphal March.
Solid, just feel very solid. There is a bit of T.S.Eliot that keeps running through my head, Stone, bronze, stone, steel, stone, oakleaves, horses’ heels Over the paving. And the flags. And the trumpets. And so many eagles. It’s the Stone, bronze, stone, steel, that I’m feeling. (Prover 1)
The theme of weight and heaviness was one that became apparent from the first moments of the proving and was important throughout. Feeling heavy, solid and compact was the most straight forward manifestation of this.
Head feels heavy, as if I’ve got a cold. (Prover 1) A feeling of immense weight and safety in myself. (Prover 2) I feel squashed and compacted. Feel like the Gnome Woman. (Prover 2) Feeling very grounded. (Prover 12) On waking feel very heavy and stuporous. (Prover 12) Feel like a lump of lard, heavy but not tired. (Prover 12) Felt still and solid. (Prover 23) Whole body feels physically heavy. (Prover 25)
A feeling of materialism and being in the physical world was important for some.
I have been more materially minded, solidly inhabiting the material universe of my senses, not the spiritual universe of my perception. Practical pig, inhabiting only the tidy confines of my tidy sty. (Prover 1) Sensual, concerned with material things. (Prover 5)
Food was an important issue through the proving. Appetite was generally increased and several provers put on weight during the proving.
Craving sweet things. (Prover 1) Have put on nearly a stone. (Prover 2) Food in my digestive tract feels like a stone. (Prover 2) Appetite voracious. (Prover 2) I have been comfort eating sweet and stodgy food. Not knowing what else to do so I sit down and eat. (Prover 5) I want to eat all the time. (Prover 5) Very hungry, eat ravenously. (Prover 7) Dream of a man feeding a baby at a disembodied breast. (Prover 9) Desire to eat more than normal and junk food. (Prover 12) Desire to eat, am constantly looking for something to nosh from afternoon onwards. (Prover 13) Decide to curb eating. OK till tea time then constant desire to nosh. (Prover 13) Weigh myself. Decide to lose this weight I have put on. (Prover 13) Put on a lot of weight. (Prover 25)
The polarity of lack of appetite was also seen.
Appetite poor, not hungry even at lunch time. (Prover 5) Forgetting to eat. (Prover 6) Not so interested in food. (Prover 14) Feeling full. Wanting to eat but not really any appetite. (Prover 23) Couldn’t face meal, not hungry. (Prover 23)
There was a distortion of the provers’ perception of themselves. This could be to do with weight. But there were also distortions to do with age and general unattractiveness.
Genitals felt shrunken- drawn into my body. (Prover 1) I looked down at my body and it looked old. The flesh sagging over the bones. (Prover 1) Feel like a real slob. (Prover 12) Felt really fat and repulsive. Loathed my body. (Prover 25) Felt that I had put on more weight than I had. (Prover 25)
Several of the physical ailments were also connected to a sensation of weight or pressure. The headaches were most commonly a sensation as if something were pressing down on the top of the head.
Pain in top of head, squeezing down pressure. (Prover 2) Top of the head hurts, perhaps from drink. (Prover 5) Felt pressure on top of my head. (Prover 9) Scalp feels sore at the top of the head. (Prover 11) Sinking feeling, downward pressure on the head. (Prover 18)
A symptom experienced by several provers was difficulty in breathing which was usually described as an oppression of the chest.
There is a tightness across my chest and I am short of breath. (Prover 1) Aware the breaths I was taking were shorter than usual. (Prover 5) It was like there was something stuck in my chest. It made me feel restricted. (Prover 5) I feel uncomfortable about my chest, any breathing is starting to feel difficult. (Prover 7) A terrible oppression of my chest. I have to gulp for breath. Even after sleep and no exertion. (Prover 22) Naso-pharynx totally clogged with mucous. Felt like partially set wet concrete. (Prover 25)
The limbs, and the lower limbs in particular, were often described as heavy and hard to get moving.
It was hard to run this morning. I feel so solid and earthbound. Normally I have a long loping stride but I felt I had stubby little legs and I had to chug along. (Prover 1) Hands and legs felt very heavy. (Prover 5) Legs heavy and painful. Couldn’t move them momentarily on waking. (Prover 5) Very difficult moving my limbs; feel greatly restricted, powerless. (Prover 18)
There was great weakness in many of the joints and general stiffness and joint pains.
All joints painful. (Prover 2) Pain in my big toe as if arthritic or broken. (Prover 2) Sore toe felt like arthritis. (Prover 12) Hip joints stiff. (Prover 14) Wrist weak, weakness in elbow. (Prover 14) Weakness in my left wrist. (Prover 22)
However, it was the knees that seemed to be most affected and they seemed to have a tendency to give out, as if they couldn’t carry the weight of the body.
Legs feel as if they’re buckling under me. I can hardly walk. (Prover 2) Dream about not waking up because my legs don’t work. (Prover 6) Legs feel strange as if they’re going to let me down. (Prover 7) Knees painful. (Prover 12) Knees inclined to give way. Knee and ankle gave way on trying to run. (Prover 12) Sensation as if hip loose in its socket. (Prover 14) Lameness of right knee. (Prover 15) Sudden sharp stabbing pain in the back of my left knee. (Prover 25)
There was a general dizziness, again as if the weight of the body was too much. This was particularly so on descending stairs.
Every time I walked downstairs I had to hold on to the rail at the top because I felt slightly dizzy. Like my legs would go from under me and that I would fall. (Prover 5) Fell down the stairs in the evening. (Prover 11)
There was a definite issue of dryness. Almost all the provers found that they were very thirsty at one time or another.
Drinking lots of water. Mouth dry. (Prover 1) Desire cold water and cold drinks. (Prover 2) Wanted to cry but couldn’t. (Prover 5) Dry in general. (Prover 6) Very thirsty. (Prover 11) Unquenchable thirst. (Prover 23)
One prover in particular saw this as an issue of pressure.
I feel dry inside, as there were no juice or moisture inside… The image of all my life, juice and flow being squeezed dry in a devil’s fist. (Prover 2)
The dryness was felt in the mouth and led to increased salivation in almost all provers. As well as increased salivation there was a sensation that saliva had a slimy quality.
My mouth feels like there is a slimy film in it. (Prover 5) Mucous slimy, saliva increased. (Prover 7) Salivation. (Prover 11) Increased salivation. (Prover 12) Mouth dry, increased salivation. (Prover 13) Increased saliva. (Prover 15) Increased salivation. (Prover 22)
The sense of apprehension and of menace that many provers felt generally and experienced in their dreams can also be seen as an issue of pressure and the oppressive weight of danger in the world.
Dream of being raped. (Prover 2) When I closed my eyes to go to sleep I had an image of Blood Red. Then I had an image of black werewolf-like dogs/beasts with white pointed teeth. Dream of a man starting to tie us all up. (Prover 5) Didn’t want to be around streets and houses. Hemmed in. (Prover 5) Dream in a world of tyranny. (Prover 6) Anger witnessing a burglary. Feel violent towards them, then afraid of violence to me. (Prover 6) Dream of being ridiculed on the street by four men. Fantasize about revenge, hitting them, but fear retribution. (Prover 6) Dream held hostage by terrorists. (Prover 11) Feelings of fear attached to violence. (Prover 11) Intense unfocused anxiety. (Prover 12) Feel like my hands are tied up and bound, as if I have been kidnapped and am about to go through an ordeal. (Prover 18) Dreams of being tied up and my genitals cut off. (Prover 22) Scared that partner had a lot of suppressed violence and that he would murder me. (Prover 25)
Several dreams or sensations were to do with wounds on the hands.
Dream that a man took a sharp, pointed object and went to stab it into an open wound I had on my hand. As he went to stab me I raised my leg to kick him off. I actually woke up physically kicking my left leg. (Prover 5) Dream of cutting hand, needing stitches. (Prover 12) Cut the palm of my left hand with a knife and this seems to have caused stigmatic dreams. (Prover 22)
Matter has two aspects: substance and structure, and structure was also important in the proving. Several provers had a feeling right from the beginning of the proving that they could see and understand the structure of things.
I saw what looks like the interior of the body, tubes and canals with junction-like joins. (Prover 2) Acutely aware of the insides of people and things. (Prover 2) Saw a grid of white lines against a dark background. It looked rather like the outlines of bricks. (Prover 9)
There were also dreams of seeing inside things.
Dream of rooms with glass floors. (Prover 1) Dream I am on a ladder that goes into the attic… I can see the whole internal structure. (Prover 1) Dream of houses built so that you can see underneath, the floorboards and beams are showing. (Prover 1) Dream of people digging in a field. I was looking down through cracks in the soil and could see things beneath it. (Prover 5) Dream: Saw a picture frame, didn’t know what to put in it. Hung it on the wall as it was, could see the wall through the frame. (Prover 9)
History, and particularly personal history, as part of the structure of what we are, was very important to several provers. This took two specific forms. One was concerned with mothers, and also with daughters and the pattern of daughters becoming mothers.
Sadness at the way that mothers have to endure. (Prover 2) I do not feel as close as I usually do to my mother. (Prover 5) Difficult phone conversation with mum. (Prover 6) I feel low, especially about daughter our relationship is going particularly badly. Talked to parents referring to self at the same age. (Prover 13)
The other manifestation of history was in dreams and consideration of grandparents and particularly grandfathers.
I feel connected in my heritage to the gift which my parents have handed on down to me. (Prover 2) Dream about my grandfather. (Prover 6) Thinking about my grandparents who died in Auschwitz. (Prover 11) Dream about my grandfather. (Prover 12)
Anti-matter – It doesn’t matter, I can’t be bothered.
Although from moment to moment we are
being refilled from Nature’s source, yet driven
by internal unrest we turn away from clarity.
Obscured in bustle and business finer tones
are lost to stoppered ears.
Because impulses for right and wrong
coemerge, harm is engendered only
when we ignore the bird song in the forest.
Misha Norland from Warring against Nature.
Immediately on taking the remedy the provers felt a calmness and a quietness.
Feel happy to sit quietly and bide my time. (Prover 2) Very calm and serene. There is a huge empty space in my head. Normally it’s constant thoughts all the time, different input and processing. I couldn’t be bothered and I keep noticing how peaceful it is. (Prover 4) I felt this terrific calmness and stillness and peacefulness. I didn’t want to talk, didn’t want to be involved at all, just wanted to sit there. (Prover 7) The most profound thing about the meditation was its rootedness, mind free of thoughts and rooted, very solid and without distraction of thought. That has continued as a state I can get into with great ease. (Prover 15)
Some provers found that this state was more readily accessed throughout the proving.
A continued capacity for deep meditation. (Prover 15)
The theme of not caring, of not being bothered, was a major one in the remedy.
No desire to do anything at all. No need for practical things. (Prover 2) There is a sort of uncaring and not bothering feeling. (Prover 2) Had a minor argument with my mother. I couldn’t be bothered to argue with her. It wasn’t like indifference, I just couldn’t be bothered or see the point of arguing back. (Prover 5) Felt that I couldn’t be bothered to move. (Prover 5) “Can’t be bothered with” is typical at the moment. (Prover 9) Feels like everything is pointless. Uncaring about what is going on in the world. (Prover 11) Can’t be bothered with a lot of things. (Prover 12) Don’t feel like washing or bathing. (Prover 12) Not wearing mascara, couldn’t be bothered. (Prover 13)
There was an unusual tendency to be late and not caring or being worried about it.
Missed train. I have never missed a train in my life. (Prover 12) Inclined to be late for things and don’t really care. (Prover 12) Was late for a meeting, just didn’t care. (Prover 22)
There was a clarity of thought and understanding, an ability to cut through the nonsense to what is important.
All my actions, even the smallest gestures, seem deliberate and precise. I speak only when it’s important to speak. (Prover 2) My mind seems to be quite clear. It is as though I have been able to think though a concern that I was frustrated and felt emotional and anxious about before. (Prover 5) Very clear thinking. Want to say what is on my mind. Have my thoughts organized and want to get them out in that order without interruption. (Prover 9) Clarity of purpose and of vision. (Prover 11) Night vision improved. Clarity of vision, able to focus on small print. (Prover 12) Clarity of vision. (Prover 13) Dream of an on-off switch. (Prover 14) I want it and I want it now. (Prover 14)
Several provers found themselves inclined to organize things.
Much more organized. A feeling that it will all get done in the right time and the right way. (Prover 2) Felt like organizing all my homoeopathy files. (Prover 9)
There was also a polar fuzziness on all levels and self doubt.
I am questioning my reactions, my readings of situations. Lots of self doubt. (Prover 1) Upper respiratory fuzziness and heaviness. Mentally fuzzy too. (Prover 1) Feelings are connected with a strange desire for fluffy things. Bought fluffy warm boots and fluffy car seat covers. Fluffy makes all symptoms better. (Prover 2)
The feeling of not caring was often about superficialities. There was a dislike of small talk and insincerity and this was often the factor behind an aversion to company that was felt by a number of provers.
I can totally sense the truth. Impatient with falsehood, deception or lack of clarity. Have become more blunt and outspoken than usual. No patience with niceties. (Prover 2) Ring partner, I can’t communicate. Give up. (Prover 6) Talked on the phone to my boyfriend. Got fed up with his indecision. Can’t be bothered with it. Decided to split up. (Prover 9) Picked daughter up. The house was designer. Everyone was so superficial. I felt it was so oppressive. (Prover 13) Have felt totally unable to make small talk with people. (Prover 25)
There was a corresponding interest in the “big issues”. Religion and religious feelings were important particularly as they related to personal history.
A lot of stuff about sex and religion. Feel trapped in my sinful body. (Prover 2) Strong religious feelings from childhood that I had thought were behind me, resurfaced. (Prover 22)
The big issues theme found its strongest expression when it combined with the issues around motherhood in a very powerful concern for Mother Earth and the abuse of the Planet. In several provers this became a powerful and obsessive pessimism, a sense of eco-doom.
Strong feelings about Mother Earth, so abused and disregarded. (Prover 2) Dream: Piles of white plastic coffee cups scattered about. I kept saying how can people leave their litter in a field. I found my concern about this quite odd because of the sense of danger involved in whatever was going on. (Prover 5) I have been experiencing an intensification of my usual background “eco-doom” feelings: that we are making an irrevocable mess of our local environment as well as the biosphere. (Prover 15)
There was a feeling for many of the grossness of matter. There was an increased sense of smell.
Sense of smell heightened. (Prover 2) Sensitive to smells. Causing nausea. (Prover 11) Sense of smell more acute. (Prover 12) Overwhelming disgust in the grossness of matter. (Prover 22) Sensitive to smells. Certain smells clung to me and nauseated me for whole days. (Prover 22)
Dreams of toilets and shit were experienced by most of the provers.
Dreams of toilets. (Prover 2) Dream of obstacles in going to the toilet. (Prover 5) Dream of shit in a bath. (Prover 6) Dream of toilets full of shit and I got some on my skirt when I went to the toilet. (Prover 9) Dream of bursting and ending up with a pile of shit. (Prover 11) Dream of a yard covered in cow shit. (Prover 14) Dream of toilets and privacy. (Prover 17) Dreams of shit, sex and death. (Prover 22) Dream of husband shovelling piles of shit. (Prover 23) Dream that one of my children’s friends passed two enormous piles of shit on the lawn. (Prover 23)
Nausea was common in the proving and was generally worse in the morning and for some in the evening.
Nauseous and dizzy on going to bed. (Prover 2) Woke up with a queasy, nauseous feeling in my stomach. (Prover 2) Dizzy and nauseous on waking. (Prover 9) Nausea and vomiting. (Prover 11) Nausea first thing in the morning and last thing at night. (Prover 11) Slight nausea, on and off all day. (Prover 12) Nausea. (Prover 17) Nauseous all the time but especially on waking. (Prover 22)
This nausea was often associated with food and the weight issues.
I’ve had a few stomach troubles, mostly feeling sick all the time. Every time I eat it feels like the food is staying in my throat or it feels sicky and I have to keep hold of myself all the time. (Prover 4) Felt a bit woozy, sick. Noticed it after I had my lunch. (Prover 5) Anxious and nauseous. While cycling home felt extremely nauseous and nearly threw up. Very hungry, eating stopped the nausea. (Prover 11)
Issues with chocolate as a food were particularly strong. There was an increased desire for chocolate in some. But there was also a feeling that chocolate was making the prover unwell, even to the point of vomiting.
Less desire for chocolate, which makes me nauseous. (Prover 2) Strong desire for chocolate. (Prover 5) No usual desire for chocolate in the evening. (Prover 6) Eating chocolates precipitates a sore throat. (Prover 6) Ate too much chocolate this evening and it was sitting heavily in my stomach. Had the urge to gag myself and vomit it all up. (Prover 22)
One of the major dream themes was of being in a foreign country.
Dreams in a foreign country. (Prover 2) Dream in a foreign country. (Prover 6) Dreams of travel. (Prover 11)
Two provers in particular found this sense of being in a strange place in their established and stable relationships. Their own sense of clarity and understanding of their needs and wants threw their relationships into a completely different space and disoriented their husbands who reacted aggressively.
Husband says I’m miserable and whingey. He doesn’t want to go into any depth. I’m feeling lonely and irritable. I feel like the rules of the game have suddenly changed. (Prover 13) Partner says I’m aggressive and aloof. I’m feeling happy and independent. (Prover 14)
The sense of clarity and understanding of the prover’s own needs and their intolerance of superficialities became for many an egotism and self-centredness, with a lack of concern for the needs and wishes of others.
I am totally inside myself. No interest in anyone else or anything else. (Prover 2) Told I seem irritable. I don’t feel it. I just feel that I want to be quiet and left alone. I don’t want to make a fuss, I just want to be peaceful. (Prover 5) Aware of wanting and needing my own space. (Prover 5) I want to be left alone, want space. (Prover 6) I want it all my own way. (Prover 12) Critical, I know best attitude. Defensive, judgmental, ungenerous. (Prover 12) Strong aversion to company. Company makes me irritable. (Prover 12) Don’t like being in big group, it feels all too superficial. (Prover 12)
It also led to a sense of isolation, an uncaring separation from the rest of the world.
I feel that I have become a hermit in a cave of stone. (Prover 2) Sadness. Feel isolated and on my own. (Prover 6) Phone lots of homoeopaths. No one is available, I feel let down. (Prover 6) I feel that I am a horrible person and I am paranoid that everyone realises it. (Prover 25)
For a few provers the theme of anti-matter became one of anti-life and anti-goodness with obsessive feelings and dreams about death and evil.
Resentful against life itself. (Prover 2) Feeling evil and malevolent. Feel as if it would be a pleasure to hurt people and things. (Prover 2) While lying in bed I saw myself dead and decaying. (Prover 2) Last night I just wished that I could die, and I had the belief that I really would. (Prover 2) Couldn’t find a place to park. I thought this woman was going to move but she just sat there. I wanted to get out and throttle her. I imagined myself doing it. (Prover 5) Dream: I take a person with learning difficulties, small, vulnerable dependent, down a straight jungle alleyway. He is engulfed by tribesmen who bite/eat his face. I am terrified/disgusted and run back to a vehicle. Then with a stick in my hand I meet a man who is similarly armed. We fight in an earthy quarry. I disarm him, then beat him all over, maybe breaking all his bones. I hit & hit & hit. (Prover 6) Dream of skulls laid out on a table as if for an exhibition. (Prover 11) Fear and fascination with death. (Prover 18) Final acceptance of being slaughtered or killed, like a rabbit or a lamb, something innocent. (Prover 18) Woke up writing a poem about death being my lover. (Prover 22) Dreams of Necrophilia and pederasty. (Prover 22) Paranoid that one of my students would become a serial killer and that I would be his first victim. (Prover 25)
Anti-matter – Energy: exercise, music, doing things, sex and itching.
Tyger, Tyger, burning bright,
In the forests of the night.
What immortal hand or eye,
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?
In what distant deeps or skies
Burnt the fires of thine eyes?
On what wings dare he aspire?
What the hand dare seize the fire?
And what shoulder & what art
Could twist the sinews of thy heart?
And when thy heart began to beat
What dread hand? & what dread feet?
What the hammer? what the chain
In what furnace was thy brain?
What the anvil? what dread grasp
Dare its deadly terrors clasp.
When the stars threw down their spears
And watered heaven with their tears
Did he smile his work to see?
Did he who made the Lamb make thee.
Tyger, Tyger, burning bright,
In the forests of the night.
What immortal hand or eye,
Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?
Tyger, Tyger from Songs of Experience by William Blake
I wrote Blake’s Tyger on the first page of my notebook. Then I recalled his feelings of the energy of the living tiger against the weighty, oppressive machinery of the industrial revolution when he wrote this poem. (Prover 2)
Big cats featured in several provers’ dreams and thoughts and it was the tiger, a fiery image of power and potential energy that prowls around the proving.
Bought a notebook with a big picture of a tiger’s head and face on it. I keep looking at the tiger. I love it so much. (Prover 2) Drawn to images of big cats. (Prover 5) Dream of an alligator and a cougar locked in battle. (Prover 15) Dream of a tiger prowling around the undergrowth. (Prover 22)
Although the overpowering issues of the proving were to do with mass and weight, the issue of energy was also very important. The word “Buzz” came up for several provers The pent-up energy was felt physically.
Fiery feeling inside, anger and impatience. (Prover 2) Sense of apprehension is really restlessness. I need to do something. Finding it really difficult to do nothing. I want to do something, but I can’t be bothered to do anything. (Prover 5) I had the urge to get rid of all my inhibitions and feel free from my usual reserved self. (Prover 5) Images went through my mind of being very active, using lots of energy. Smashing things in the room. “I feel like I am going to explode.” (Prover 5) Racing and rushing inside me. (Prover 5) I wanted to shout twice during the silence. To shock. To disrupt. Just felt like it. (Prover 9) Notice that I am talking faster than usual. (Prover 9) Slightly wild feeling as if I could become either very excited or hysterical or panicky for a few moments. (Prover 11) Completely manic for 36 hours. Felt crazy, ridiculous, full of energy and excitement, but it was very exhausting. (Prover 12) Feeling sparky. (Prover 14) Painted several rooms in my house bright fiery colours. Yellow orange and red. (Prover 25)
It was also seen in many dreams of war and explosions.
Dreams of explosions. (Prover 5) Dream of Armageddon. Nuclear explosions are getting nearer. I constantly hope to find somewhere safe. (Prover 6) Dream WW III is happening. England is blown up. (Prover 6) Dreams of fireworks, and of a tall brick tower being blown up. (Prover 9) Dreams of explosions. (Prover 15)
Music and dancing were important ameliorations for several provers.
Moved by music. (Prover 2) The only thing which made me feel better was listening to music and singing which made me feel happier. (Prover 5)
However, provers found themselves avoiding exercise though they felt that they ought to exercise.
I have started exercising again, but still not running. (Prover 1 after 47 days) I feel that if I don’t actually move my body will turn to stone. (Prover 2) I sit down, I feel like I want to get up and race about. It’s like having loads of energy that I don’t know what to do with. (Prover 5) Very strong aversion to any sort of exercise. (Prover 12) Didn’t manage to get out for a walk, felt low about it. (Prover 13) Twinged lower back during yoga, so stopped doing it altogether. (Prover 13) Felt that I ought to do some Qi Kung, thought it would help a lot but just couldn’t be bothered. (Prover 22) No desire to do any exercise. (Prover 25) Running in my sleep. (Prover 25)
There was a contrast between the buzz and energy and a lack of it, the “flatness”, that people felt.
Feeling flat. (Prover 1) Feel like I’ve lost my energy. Like I’ve got no buzz. This is all part of my feeling flat. (Prover 5) Flat and uninspired. (Prover 12)
The remedy was generally a cold one, although some provers did experience strong heat symptoms.
Cold and shivery then flashes of heat. (Prover 2) Hands hot. (Prover 2) Feel very cold. (Prover 6) Sleepy and cold. Hate being out in cold conditions. (Prover 6) Felt cold in bed, faint and slightly nauseous. Feel very cold. It just suddenly comes on at any time of the day and can last up to an hour. (Prover 9) Heat on the left side of the face. (Prover 11) Hotter than normal. Sweating between breasts. (Prover 12) Increase in body heat. (Prover 15) Really cold all day. (Prover 23) Increased body temperature and sweating. (Prover 25)
This proved to be quite a haemorrhagic remedy. Provers experienced bleeding of several different types and there was a tendency to blush.
Bleeding gums. (Prover 6) Eyes inflamed and very bloodshot. (Prover 6) Menses bright red. (Prover 13) Woke with a mouth full of blood and saliva. (Prover 15) Passed stool with lots of blood. (Prover 22) Nosebleeds. (Prover 22) Blushed bright red, almost glowing. (Prover 22) Soft stool passed with a lot of blood. (Prover 23)
Pains, tended to be sharp and knives and needles came up a lot.
Stabbing pains. (Prover 2) Dream of a man killed by stabbing. (Prover 6) Dream of fighting with a knife. (Prover 6) Dream of needles together with anxiety about being hurt by them. (Prover 17) Self mutilation. Slow fascination with watching a knife cut through my skin, or an artery, watching the blood; watching myself bleed to death. (Prover 18) Sharp pain of fine needles in my ankle. (Prover 22) Walking past a tray of cutlery I felt a powerful urge to pick up a knife and thrust it into my heart. (Prover 22) Dream of stabbing my father because he bullied and insulted my brother. (Prover 25)
There were also burning symptoms such as heartburn.
Intense acidity in stomach. Acid risings. Intense acid, especially after a cold drink. (Prover 11) Offensive burning stools. (Prover 11) Awful heartburn with foul and burning eructations. (Prover 22)
Doing things, particularly small practical tasks ameliorated, as did focusing on activities.
Better for doing small practical tasks. (Prover 2) Still want to focus on the matter at hand as I see it. (Prover 9) Practical and homely, did all the washing up. (Prover 12)
However, the general restlessness of the remedy meant that the provers were easily distracted. They had a very short attention span.
Easily distracted but better when focused. (Prover 5) Can only concentrate for 10 minutes before I distract myself. (Prover 5) Incredibly distractible. Distracted rather than absent minded, nothing wrong with memory. (Prover 12) Restlessness. (Prover 17)
There was an increased desire for tobacco, cannabis and alcohol. There was also a marked increase in sensitivity to alcohol and to its ill effects.
Strong desire for alcohol. (Prover 2) Got stoned, haven’t smoked for a year. (Prover 2) Smoking a lot more. (Prover 2) Felt like I wanted to get really drunk and craved alcohol. (Prover 5) I just wanted to keep drinking and drinking. I didn’t care what happened. I almost carried on drinking to see what oblivion was like. (Prover 5) Sensitivity to alcohol. (Prover 12) Greatly increased sensitivity to alcohol. (Prover 22) Bought cigarettes for the first time in more than 15 years. (Prover 22) Desire to smoke cannabis. (Prover 25)
Tingling, pins and needles and trembling were all common expressions of the restless energy inside.
I feel trembly. My legs feel shaky when I walk downstairs. (Prover 5) Pins and needles in the fingertips. (Prover 5) Tingling fingers. Tingling in feet in spots which moved around. Felt like crickets jumping on and off of feet. (Prover 11) Legs trembly. (Prover 12) Pins and needles. (Prover 14) Slightly trembly as if on low sugar or under shock. (Prover 17)
The strongest expression of the restlessness of the remedy was in the itching experienced by many provers and some to an extreme degree. The itching was often characterised by burning, voluptuousness and restlessness.
Scalp itchy and flaky. (Prover 2) Whole body, full on skin eruption. Skin is hot and itchy. (Prover 6) Intense voluptuous itching – I have to itch until sore. Can’t resist it. (Prover 6) Head is itching. Scratch like mad. Itching between shoulder blades. (Prover 7) Legs below knees very itchy. Less itchy on scratching, but left an uncomfortable burning sensation. (Prover 11) Itching. It occurred to me that weeping over itchiness was unusual. (Prover 17) My back and whole body are unbearably itchy. Have to use a butcher’s knife to get a satisfying scratch. (Prover 22)
In two of the provers who became clearer about themselves and their needs, sex became more important and much better.
Came to orgasm deeply and quickly. (Prover 13) I want sex. (Prover 14) Thinking about sex all day. (Prover 14)
The general effect of the remedy was to greatly decrease libido.
Libido is very low. (Prover 1) Disinterest in sex. (Prover 2) Either a lustful wanting or a fearful avoidance of sex. (Prover 2) No interest in sex at all during the proving. (Prover 22) No libido. No desire for intimacy. No interest in sex. (Prover 25)
Some of the provers explained this decrease in the same general way.
Sex seems strange, not wanting it. Feeling like a child who doesn’t know what its all about. (Prover 2) Dreams of sex that was wrong. (Prover 6) Off sex. Cannot imagine what the purpose of this act is. (Prover 12)
Other Characteristic Symptoms.
There were a few characteristic symptoms that are not included above.
There was an issue about curiosity and secrecy. People were extremely interested to know what the remedy was.
Normally my delight is in music, colours, art, right brain things. Now it is quite the opposite. I read avidly and watch science programs on tv. I feel a need for accumulating as much information as possible on various subjects. My mind is hungry for knowledge. What surprises me is that I am becoming interested in scientific subjects. (Prover 17) Informative dreams. (Prover 17) Dreamed that I was touring around the world searching for knowledge. (Prover 22)
Menses 2 days early. (Prover 5) Menses 3 days early. (Prover 5) Menses 3 days early. (Prover 13)
Waking regularly at 6am and then going back to sleep.
I was awake before 6am. (Prover 1) Past 3 weeks have woken at 6 am and gone back to sleep. (Prover 2) Waking every morning at 6 am and then going back to sleep. (Prover 22)
Sudden urging to stool, with diarrhoea.
On waking had to go to the toilet. Had to rush to get there. Really bad diarrhoea. Greeny-brown yellowish, offensive. No stomach pains before or after. (Prover 5) Yellowish, gushing stool, not quite diarrhoea. 3 times in a day. (Prover 13) Went to toilet to urinate, passed stool, happened 3 times. (Prover 13)
Pains in the tip of the tongue.
Tip of my tongue was burning. (Prover 1) Tip of tongue feels pointed and sore. (Prover 7) I started to get this feeling that the end of my tongue was burnt. (Prover 11) I had this strange idea that my tongue was falling off or the tip of it was coming away. (Prover 15) A point on the right side of my tongue is sore as if I am biting it. (Prover 22)
Pain in teeth. (Prover 2) Strong pain in upper right molars. (Prover 6) Teeth sensitive. (Prover 12) Lower molar terribly painful. (Prover 22)
Read a book for enjoyment. (Prover 6) Bought daughter a book, just checking it was suitable I sat down and read the whole thing. (Prover 13) Have been reading novels in the way I used to but haven’t since starting the course. (Prover 22)
Sensation as if tilted to the left.
I feel tilted to the left, as if I have only the left half of the brain, so I am unevenly balanced. (Prover 7) Sensation as if chair I’m sitting on is sloping to the left. (Prover 14)
Sensation of hair in throat. (Prover 14)
Woke at 6.30 am convinced I’d been woken by my daughter shouting “Mum come quickly.” (Prover 14) Three times I was woken from dreams by loud noises and shouted words. They were dreamt but superimposed on the dreams I was having. (Prover 22) Woke from a dream thinking that I had heard my son shouting “Dad” in a desperate way. Everyone still asleep. (Prover 22)
… and The Omega.
Although in its coming it precedes hydrogen, in its leaving positronium can be seen as more radioactive than any other substance, it becomes pure radiation.
This paradox of being archetypal matter and being pure energy was apparent in the proving, where issues of weight and of energy were predominant. Psora is the first and the most basic of the miasms and the remedy is clearly a powerful anti-psoric (itching, coldness, restlessness and a sense of struggle). However, it is also a very syphilitic remedy (murder, sex and shit) and syphilis can be described as the end state miasm, the one that leads to the final destruction of the organism.
The remedy appears to be a link that, in the system of Jan Scholten, brings the series of the periodic table full circle in the same way that the stages spiral. It could be said that, in terms of the nature of the remedy, Positronium is heavier that Plutonium and lighter than Hydrogen.
The similarities between Positronium and Plutonium are very strong. There is perhaps a differentiation in that Positronium has a stronger Yin energy, a passivity; while Plutonium seems to have more of a masculine, Yang energy. This is beautifully expressed in the language of the Provings. In Plutonium Prover 11 says that she feels that the proving is dissolving “The Sins of The Fathers”. In Positronium Pover 2 says The sensation feels like what mothers are supposed to do: endure and suffer.