Plutonium nitricum

Proving SHERR Jeremy

SHERR Jeremy
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Plutonium nitricum
Introduction
I did not want to undertake this project.
I did not wish to expose my students or myself to a proving of the most dangerous substance on earth. A substance with a half-life of 24,350 years. I was filled with fear.
Nevertheless, this work had to be done. It is our duty as homoeopaths of constantly upgrade our materia medica with new and useful healing agents. We live in the ‘Radioactive Era’, which has produced an enormous effect on the world around us. Nuclear power plants and weapons have created radioactive pollution, which has resulted in a new and severe class of disease. Some may view nuclear technology as beneficial, but our planet must pay a terrible price.
It became increasingly clear to me that we must find a homoeopathic match to the rapidly developing world of radioactive pollution and is concomitant diseases, particularly cancer. There are only two ways to scientifically generate the necessary knowledge : homoeopathic provings and the collection of toxicological reports.
This work is the result of an extensive Hahnemannian proving and research over the last four years. The information is now available for all to use. It is, therefore, up to the homoeopathic clinician to pick up the flaming torch and use this knowledge for the cure of the enormous amount of human sufferings that may find a simillimum in the radioactive remedies.
My initial experience with Plutonium nitricum is promising. I have succeeded in offering therapeutic help in many cases, this includes patients that have not responded to previous homoeopathic treatment. I have received frequent reports of successful cases of Plutonium nitricum, based on the proving, from homoeopaths around the world. I have no doubt that the toxicology and repertory of ionising radiation, published in this book, will lead to an even greater number of cures. It is particularly interesting to note the great number of genetically related metaphors that arise in this proving. References to DNA and double helixes abound. The toxicology shows latency in appearance of symptoms and genetic mutations that affect second and third generations. Provers experienced hereditary emotional symptoms that originated in previous generations, a feeling of ‘sins of the fathers visited onto sons’. One prover felt like a Neanderthal man. Others saw or dreamt of primitive ancestor warriors throwing rocks and daggers at each other. These are outward reflections of the internal Plutonium disease.

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Today, 24,000 years later, little has changed. Only the size of the rocks we throw has grown. In 1998, 53 years after Hiroshima, India detonated five nuclear devices. Pakistan followed with a similar demonstration of nuclear aggression. Every small country will soon possess nuclear bombs. The disintegration of the USSR and the end of the Cold War left a world overflowing with dangerous radioactive materials.
These radioactive materials, plutonium in particular, affect the deepest levels of the human being — bone marrow, DNA, genetic structure, inner organs and the deepest of emotions. The message is clear. We have created a horrific heritage. If we do no heal the radioactive sickness of society today, our children, grandchildren and great grand children will pay the price.
The world can be healed. This cure must begin on the inside. We have the tools, let us commence;
Jeremy Sherr. ’99

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The necessity to prove radioactives
Bilious of years ago, at the dawn of the universe, the first element, hydrogen, was created. One by one, new elements followed. Carbon, nitrogen and oxygen gave birth to organic life. Magnesium, phosphorus and silica evolved into plants. Ferrum and copper spawned the Iron Age. Silver and gold enhanced commerce, mercury hugged syphilis. As history spirals down the periodic table, science, culture, politics, military and social phenomena have evolved in synchronicity with the new elements.
Since the phenomenon of radioactivity was discovered in 1896, mankind has entered into the seventh radioactive period. We live in an age where radioactive elements are used to produce energy in nuclear reactors. Awesome weapons hat can destroy large cities in a flash utilise these powers. Orthodox medicine has also taken advantage of radioactivity in radiation treatment for cancer, a crude form of homeopathy, as it is well known that radiation can cause cancer. Radioactive pollution has caused enormous destruction. Furthermore, in an analogous way, society is decaying as we experience the breakdown of the nuclear family and traditional cultures.
It is interesting to note that many of the new radioactive elements are named after countries — americium, californium, polonium, francium. Thus we may study the periodic table as a geographical metaphor. During the 20th century, along with the discovery of these new elements, nations have coagulated into super-nations — the USA, USSR, India, China and, finally, the European Common Market. These super-nations represent giant molecules of human beings, barely held together and often decaying at the seams, while nuclear governments struggle desperately to hold them together. These enormous ‘conglomer-nations’ seem doomed to decay back to their elemental nations. We have witnessed the USSR breaking down to its basic Russian component, like a radioactive metal disintegrating into plumbum. The European Common Market, too large and fragmented to be stable, discharges nations like giant alpha particles.
Individuals today are living under similar meltdown conditions. Modern life has produced a stressful living environment of pressure, heat and speed. Under these circumstances, it is no wonder that cancer has flourished and grown to enormous proportions in the latter half of the 20th century. There can hardly be a person in the Western world that does not have a friend or relative who has died from this disease in its various forms. Yet, are we as homoeopaths meeting the challenge of this galloping pathology? It seems clear that we are not. Homoeopathic history abounds with cures of various tumours, and some have had limited success with cancer, but I have not met many homoeopaths who can claim consistent cures of cancerous conditions. Possibly, this is due to deficient philosophy and methodology. However, we should always bear in mind the basic principle : ‘Simila Simillibus Curentur’. That which causes cancer must be used to cure it, and radiation certainly is a primary cause of cancer. As modern society manifests radioactive phenomena in all modes of life, it is our duty as homoeopaths to evolve alongside these developments, curing disease with that which can cause it. It has become necessary to prove the radioactive elements and the effects of radiation, or we will be no match for the internal and physical disease that mankind has created.
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The Pandora’s box of radioactivity has been opened and has released the dark into the light. To re-kindle the light, our only option is to enter this dark side fully. It is with these thoughts in mind that the Dynamis School undertook the proving of Plutonium, a journey to the depth of human experience.

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Plutonium the element
The birth of plutonium
In the highly controlled atmosphere of a physics laboratory in Berkeley, California, plutonium was born. Neutrons, accelerated to a high speed, bombarded the heavy vulnerable nucleus of uranium, skewing the orbit of the circulating protons and neutrons. The high speed neutrons attracted the wobbling protons, enticing them from orbit and midwifing a new element, plutonium. More accessible and able to be produced in greater quantity than the scarce fissile, uranium, plutonium became the key component of the atomic bomb. The Manhattan Project scientists at Los Alamos in Santa Fe, New Mexico believed that a plutonium-fuelled bomb was the only guarantee for an allied victory over-Hitler. They intensively researched, developed and tested the atomic bomb in utmost secrecy.
Plutonium’s coming of age in 1945 in the Santa Fe desert near the Journada del Muerto was a spectacular implosion and explosion of such magnitude that the director of the atomic test, code-named ‘Trinity’, invoked the Hindu scripture, ‘I am become death, destroyer of worlds’ (1, p. 89). The eruptive energy was momentous and transforming, the sound rumbled like a freight train across the desert. The light illuminated the bones of hands held protectively over the eyes of the observers. The smoky vapour billowed slowly into the sky, pulling away from the base of the cloud to form a mushroom-shaped head. Below, the intense fused the sand into trinitite, pieces of greenish-grey and reddish glass.
The awed scientists, who watched in the early morning darkness, reported :
‘It lit up 180 degrees of the horizon, not like one but a dozen brilliant suns… it was followed by a brilliant red wall of flame… At the source the brilliance was so great that an individual looking at it would be blinded. One observer did so and was blinded’ (2, p. 87).
‘After a few seconds the rising flames lost their brightness and appeared as a huge pillar of smoke with an expanded head like a gigantic mushroom that rose rapidly beyond the clouds probably to a height of the order of 30,000 feet’ (3, p. 107).

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‘While the dazzling lights at the head of the cloud-caused by the ionization of the air-were the most startling, several observers were equally impressed by the sound… growing rumbles as the sound waves bounded across the valley at fifteen-second intervals before they gradually merged into a low, steady rumble’ (4, p. 88).
‘Where the fireball touched the ground, it created a crater half a mile across… Every living thing within the radius of a mile was annihilated-plants, snakes, ground squirrels, lizards, even the ants'(5, p. 83.).
The Trinity experimenters, the upper echelon of the world’s nuclear physicists and scientists, feared most that their secret enterprise would reveal an unknown law of nature, causing an uncontrollable nuclear chain reaction that would ignite the atmosphere and immolate the world. In the urgent atmosphere of world War II ethics, worker safety, environmental pollution and radiation fallout were of least concern.
The explosion of the plutonium-fuelled bomb and, later, its Nagasaki sibling did not destroy the world in an instant. With its 24,350-year half-life, plutonium insured its legacy. Today, plutonium is found in the deep reaches of the Sea of Japan, in the ice shelves of the Arctic, in the plant life of the Sargasso Sea and in the rich loam of tropical Pacific islands. Radioisotopes register in cows’ milk in Denmark, in wheat grains in Russia, in datura roots in the Santa Fe desert and in bottom-feeding fish in the Mediterranean (6). Throughout the world, nuclear power plants disgorge plutonium and its radioactive by-products into rivers, oceans and air, while nuclear explosions disperse radioactive fallout through the currents of the upper atmosphere. Plutonium is an integral companion of soil and water, flora and fauna throughout the planet earth. The birth of plutonium, with its potential for devastating destruction, ushered the planet into the atomic age and yielded an insidious, unrelenting and inextricable new source of radiation.
Properties
Plutonium metal, known as 239 Pu, atomic number 94 (94 protons and 145 neutrons), and one of the heaviest of the elements, is located in the seventh period of the periodic table. A transuranic radioactive element of the Actinide series, plutonium is present in minute quantities in uranium ore. Artificially, it is created in a nuclear reactor by the bombardment of 238 uranium. In all, there are fifteen isotopes, ranging from isotopes 234 to 246, but 239 Pu is the most commonly produced and used. 239 Pu’s half-life, the time during which half of the atoms will decay, is 24,350 years. During decay 239 Pu emits alpha particles and because this process transmutes 239 Pu into 235 U, gamma radiation is present also. Plutonium is capable of a spontaneous nuclear chain reaction when critical mass, about 2/3 of a pound, is reached.

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Silver-coloured and very reactive, plutonium compounds with oxygen, carbon, nitrogen, silica, sulphur, and fluorine and alloys with beryllium, lead, uranium, chromium, iron, nickel, and manganese. Plutonium metal is capable of spontaneous ignition when exposed to air. Plutonium dioxide, enhanced by the presence of uranium dioxide, combines with nitric acid to form plutonium nitrate (7).
Used and production
The isotope 239 is used as the fission core in nuclear weapons and as fuel in nuclear power plants because it is more easily accessed than other nuclear substances and is fissile or capable of a self-sustaining nuclear chain reaction. During this reaction, the nuclei of its atoms split, creating enormous amounts of energy. In a thermoelectric nuclear reactor, fission is controlled slowly to release the energy over along period of time (8, p. 4). In a nuclear weapon the energy is released all at once, creating a violent explosion.
239 Pu, produced in a similar way by both military and civilian reactors, is made by bombarding 238 U with neutrons at high speed. The unstable 238 U nucleus absorbs a neutron and produces 239 Pu. This process may be extended so that the 239 Pu absorbs another neutron, becoming 240 Pu and other isotopes, successively; but the more isotopes produced, the poorer the quality of plutonium. For a nuclear power plant the goal is a high production of energy, so many isotopes are produced as the plutonium is burned up. This admixture of plutonium nuclides makes reactor plutonium 5.4 times more alpha radioactive than pure 239 Pu (9, p. 489). For nuclear weapons production a purer 239 Pu with fewer other isotopes present is preferred, and the process is halted at the production of 240 Pu.
After production plutonium must be separated must be separated chemically from uranium and other by-products at a reprocessing plant. The most common process dissolves the combined plutonium and uranium in nitric acid, exposes this nitrate solution to tributyl phosphate to separate the plutonium and uranium from the rest of the solution and, then, separates the elements from each other. The result is a solution of plutonium nitrate, which must be converted to a solid oxide for safety in shipping. Reprocessing creates large amounts of highly radioactive liquid waste, which is either stored in tanks, discharged directly into rivers and lakes, or injected deeply underground.

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In a nuclear power plant the process from uranium to plutonium is continuous within the plant, as the plutonium fuels the ongoing production of energy. In a weapons plant, after being returned to its metal state, the plutonium is formed into a sphere and s placed with other components into the centre of a nuclear weapon. Finally, because of its high monetary value, plutonium is recovered from scrap and used weapons.
Waste disposal
Surplus plutonium from the waste and spent fuel rods of the world’s 438 nuclear power reactors and from the disarming of nuclear weapons is accumulating rapidly. Approximately 1130 metric tons exist today and his amount ‘is expected to nearly double in the next decade’ (10, p. C1). Solutions for storage and disposal are elusive, unsuccessful or expensive. Twenty-five-year-old storage tanks in Hanford, Washington are leaking plutonium into the ground water and neighbouring rivers. Recycling plutonium makes it too readily available for reuse in nuclear bombs. Burying the waste in a mountain repository or in underground dumps raises the possibility of spontaneous explosion from reaching a critical mass. Burning up plutonium in special reactors or transforming the radioactive isotopes into harmless elements that could provide fuel sources is too costly, time-consuming, and ineffective. Sinking titanium cylinders of plutonium into the seabed violates the world moratorium on ocean dumping of nuclear wastes. The last unused sanctuary is outer space. Scientists suggest, ‘Perhaps the most elegant solution of all would be to pitch excess plutonium into space, firing it into the Sun’ (11, p. C1).
In the meantime plutonium has become a black market commodity. (12, p. 39). The dissolution of the former USSR, with ensuing economic and governmental crises, has made tons of weapons-grade plutonium and uranium available for smuggling and million-dollar exchanges. Weak security measures in reprocessing and nuclear power plants, and research laboratories allow theft and commerce in nuclear materials, with organised crime gangs brokering the sales. Countries wanting to build up their nuclear weapons programs are the most likely buyers of the high quality plutonium.

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Analogies
The seventh period and the individual
We can examined the periodic table as a metaphor of life. Thus, we may says that the first period represents the soul, the second represents the body and organic life (carbon, oxygen and nitrogen) and the third, family and relationships (Natrum muriaticum).
The fourth period represents society, for instance the worker/soldier. The fifth period represents larger communities, which necessitate communication and administration (nervous system) and, therefore, the station of manager or minister. The sixth period of Platina and Aurum represents a country with a king or ruler.
What, then, can we say of the seventh period? This period is hidden, unseen and secretive, yet immensely powerful. It belongs to the deep subconscious and mystical part of man-the underlying instinctive and dynamic motor that animates our lives, our minds, our will.
we may relate this seventh period to the magician, shaman and prophet. The hidden force that controls the king from behind the scenes, using a power more awesome than simple military or politics. Historically this role belonged to the priesthood. For example the Prophet Nathan, who counselled King David and Rasputin, who advised the Czarina Alexandra Nikolayevitch.
This analogy is less relevant to our times. In our modern, world, the radioactive forces that control kings, presidents and governments are better compared to giant corporations. Companies like IBM and Microsoft, media moguls and giant pharmaceuticals hold sway behind the scene. In a similar way the might of the nuclear industry controls the powers that be. By dominating and monopolising the economy, powerful individuals are able to impose their will on governments. It is noteworthy that just as Pluto, hidden in the depth of the earth, was considered the god of wealth so these enormous corporations generate great wealth and power, while their inner cores and political persuasions remain concealed in the deep.

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The seventh period and the body
From the point of view of tissue affinities, as a general metaphor, the fourth or Ferrum period relates to blood and muscle, the fifth or Argentium period relates to nerve and cartilage and the sixth Aurum/Mercury period relates to bone. The seventh period relates mainly to bone marrow, radioactivity being a major cause of leukaemia. Like the radioactive elements, bubbling away in the centre of the earth, bone marrow is the generative power of our blood. Even deeper within the cell nuclei lies the most basic component of life — DNA, the code of evolution. The DNA connection manifests prominently in the proving of Plutonium, and is reflected in modern medicine’s preoccupation with genetic engineering.
World history and radiation
The seventh period of the periodic table is the last and most mysterious of all. It has only recently begun to unfold its secrets to mankind. The seventh period consists of radioactive elements, all of which are heavier than bismuth, element 83. The heavy transuranium elements are not found in nature, but are produced in laboratories, sometimes lasting for just a fraction of a second. These elements are literally too big to hold together, and therefore enter into a process of radioactive decay. This is a spontaneous disintegration of atomic nuclei, resulting in the emission of sub-atomic particles and x-rays. Eventually, these elements break down tot he largest stable element, lead, which acts as a barrier between the radioactive and ‘normal’ elements.
One can compare the discovery and development of radioactive substances with the historical unfolding of the 20th century. Antoine Becquerel first discovered radioactivity in 1886 when he observed the effects of uranium on a photographic plate. In 1898, Marie and Pierre Curie discovered radium. Other elements followed including polonium, thorium, actinium and radon. Marie Curie suffered horrendous burns from exposure to radium and died from pernicious anaemia due to overexposure to radiation.
The planet Pluto was discovered in 1930. In 1932, as the first neutron was identified, Hitler rose to power. The syphilitic miasm, raging for four hundred years, had now become full to the brim and was ready to explode. Viruses were first crystallised in 1935. Late in 1938, just as the war was about to begin, nuclear fission was achieved-a uranium atom was split. Isotopes of plutonium were first prepared at the University of California, Berkeley, in 1941. In 1942, with the war in full blast, the first nuclear chain reaction was produced. On the 6th of August 1945, Hiroshima was demolished by an atomic bomb. One hundred and thirty thousand people were reported killed, injured or missing. Three days later, a plutonium bomb flattened Nagasaki. The world had passed through the barrier of the sixth syphilitic period of Platina, Aurum, Mercury, Thallium and Plumbum and into the seventh radioactive and cancerous era.

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Since the early radioactive discoveries, science has rapidly progressed through the periodic table of elements. Californium, berkelium, einsteinium and many other radioactive elements have been manufactured. Scientists are rapidly creating the last radioactive elements. Elements 109 and 110 (they have no names — just numbers) have recently been artificially produced in particle accelerators, enormous tunnels in which electrons whiz around at great speed, the largest being 40 miles long and located under some peaceful Swiss villages. The journal ‘New Scientist’ reported on the 26 November 1994 : «For less then a millisecond the world had a new element — element 110 was detected while atoms of lead were being bombarded by atoms of nickel. Although the new element has an extremely short half-life, researchers are spurred on by the prospect that heavier elements may be more stable’.
We are rapidly racing towards the last element, element 118, the end of the grand cycle of elements, which began with the birth of hydrogen billions of years ago. Mankind is pushing towards the grand finale. Element 118 has no name, but deserves one, so I have ventured to call it luciferium, the bearer of light that has descended to the core of the earth, where under extremes of temperature and pressure, the radioactive elements are naturally found.

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Chronicle of a race
1895 roentgen discovers x-rays
1896 Sigmund Freud introduces the term ‘psychoanalysis’
1897 Henri Becquerel, Marie and Pierre Curie coin the term ‘Radioactivity’
a discovery which awards them the Novel Prize six years later
1898 Marie and Pierre Curie isolate the elements polonium and radium
1905 Albert Einstein publishes his General Theory of Relativity
November Revolution in Russia
1908 Novel Prize for Rutherford, for his research into the nature of
particles emitted by radioactive substances
June 1914 Austrian heir to the throne is assassinated in Bosnia, WW1 breaks out a month later
1915 Percival Lowell predicts the existence of planet Pluto
For the first time Germany uses poison gas on the battlefield (April)
1916 V. Blasco Ibanez publishes ‘The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse’
J.T. Kent dies
March 1917 Bolshevik Revolution ends the Czarist reign
June 1919 Treaty of Versailles is signed
1925 Mussolini declares Italy a dictatorship, 3 years after the March to Tome
Hitler publishes ‘Mein Kampf’
Kafka publishes ‘The Trial’
1926 Hirohito, 124th Emperor of Japan, succeeds to the throne
1929 World crisis following Wall Street stockmarket collapse. Great Depression begins
1930 Sir Edward Eddington states nuclear fusion is the only explanation
to the life-span and energy of planets
Discovery of planet Pluto
1932 Chadwik discovers the neutron
1933 Hitler is Chancellor of Germany
9 months later Germany leaves the League of Nations
Irene and Frederic Jobot-Curie produce first artificially radioactive substance
1934 In Rome, Enrico Fermi splits the uranium atom by bombarding it with neutrons
Glenn T. Seaborg arrives at Berkley University
Marie Curie dies of cancer
1935 Discovery of viruses, the road for genetic engineering is open
Germany introduces conscription, violating the Treaty of Versailles
1936 Italy conquers Ethiopia
Spanish civil war breaks out, supported by Italy and Germany
Japan and Germany sign the Anti-Commintern agreement
1937 Picasso paints Guernica, with fire coming down from the sky
Franco-Berlin Axis : Italy joints the Anti-Commintern
Japan invades China
1938 Hahn and Strassman perform a nuclear fission
Germany and Austria re-unite; Anschluss (March)
Munich agreements are signed (September)
Kristallnacht, ‘night of breaking glass’, Jews’ houses and synagogues are destroyed by German troops

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1939 Einstein writes to Roosevelt about German nuclear research and the possibility of building a nuclear bomb
Franco conquers Madrid. The Spanish civil war has cost the lives of more than 1 million people
Italy invades Albania (April)
Italy and Germany sign the Steel Pact (May)
Two reports on Scorpion provings are published : one by Dr. Azam in the ‘international Congress’ in Berlin, and another by Dr. De Laurier in the ‘British Homoeopathic Journal’
WW2 breaks out (1st September)
1940-1945 Holocaust
1940 McMillan and Ebelsson produce element no 93, which they name
neptunium
Seaborg bombards uranium with deutronium to create element no 94.
The source of nuclear energy is later discovered to be the fissionable
isotope plutonium 239. Experiments show it is more fissionable than uranium 235. The independent research is reported to Washington, and is given federal support
Dec. 1941 Japanese bomb Pearl Harbor, and U.S. A. enters the war
Seaborg develops techniques for mass production of plutonium
Sept. 1942 Manhattan Project begins, located in Los Alamos and headed by
Robert Oppenheimer
Dec. 1942 In Chicago, Fermi performs first nuclear chain reaction in a nuclear fission of uranium in the first nuclear reactor, whereas Seaborg maintains a different attitude : achieve the plutonium fission in a relatively simple chemical process
16.7.1945 First nuclear bomb tested in Alamogordo, New Mexico
6.8.1945 Uranium bomb named ‘Little Boy’ is dropped over Hiroshima. 140 thousand victims
9.8.1945 Plutonium bomb ‘Fat Man’ is dropped over Nagasaki. 100 thousand victims
March 1946 In an anti-Soviet speech, Winston Churchill coins the term ‘Iron Curtain’
1949 First Soviet nuclear bomb
1950 Truman orders the development of a hydrogen bomb
1952 First British nuclear bomb
1.11.1952 First test of American H-bomb
12.8.1953 First Soviet H-bomb
1953 USA charges the Rosenbergs for nuclear espionage on behalf of USSR, they are executed
1960 First French nuclear bomb
Israel builds the nuclear site in Demona
1961 Berlin wall
Oct. 1962 Missile crisis in Cuba, the world is on the verge of a nuclear war
1979 Nuclear reactor accident at Three Mile Island
1986 Explosion and fire in Chernobyl nuclear reactor
Compiled by Rachel Shabi/Dynamis School

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The planet pluto
Identified in 1930 by an American astronomer, but surmised for years by astrologers and astronomers, Pluto is the farthest planet from the sun in our solar system. It appears as a faint star with a yellowish colour. Believed to have originated from one of Neptune’s moons, Pluto has one satellite, named Charon. Supposedly, Pluto is composed of solid methane rather than denser rock material; its surface is methane frost and ice. The planet has a rotation of 639 days, a weak gravity with little or no atmosphere, and an elliptical, 247-year orbit whose plane intersects the earth’s orbit every 124 years. ‘Some scientists believe that Pluto may be the only planet that closely exhibits the pristine state presumed to have existed some 4.6 billion years ago when the solar system was formed’ (41, p. 2248).
Mythology
The element plutonium was named by physicists after the planet Pluto, a direct lineage to the mythical god. Pluto, in roman mythology, was the god of the dead and the husband of Proserpine. Also known in Greek as Hades, ‘the unseen’, he wore a helmet that made him invisible. One of three sons of Chronos, Pluto was swallowed and later regurgitated by his father, who feared a usurpation of his throne. When Chronos, also known as Saturn, died, Pluto inherited the Kingdom of the Underworld, ruling over the souls of the dead. His brothers, Jupiter and Neptune, ruled Olympus and the sea. His liaison with his feminine counterpart, Proserpine brought wisdom, renewal and regeneration into the underworld, balancing the prevailing themes of death, darkness, repression, and domination. Pluto was known as ‘the wealthy’ by the Romans since his realm included both valuable minerals and the earth from which sprang the abundance of the corps. A stern and pitiless ruler, he had a three-headed watchdog, who prevented any of the dead from escaping.
Hades was not worshipped by the Greeks; they never mentioned his name, so reluctant were they to attract the attention of this awesome lord of the dead. For the Greeks, the underworld represented the home of the soul, a realm hidden but essential to life; (42, p. 171-8).

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Astrology
The planet Pluto was discovered in 1930,when Fascism was sweeping through Europe and the Great Depression was gripping the world. This marked a timely reintroduction of the image of the underworld god into the modern world.
It is of interest to note the astrological connection of the elements uranium, neptunium and plutonium, which were named after the outer planets orbiting beyond Saturn.
Saturn’s position in relation to these planets can be associated with plumbum’s role as both a shield and a portal to the radioactives (46, p. 37). These planets cannot be seen with the naked eye, and, therefore, represent aspects of our deep, unconscious mind. Their lengthy orbits (Pluto’s is 247 years) represent the long term and karmic aspects of these elements.
Thus Pluto is the planet of the collective unconscious, representing the archetypal attributes of fear, loss, power and darkness. Those influenced by Pluto must descend into the invisible, or death, and confront their unconscious demons before being reincarnated into the light. To make contact with Pluto is a death and renewal experience, mirroring the rebirth of Pluto after he was consumed by his father and the annual journey of Pluto’s captive wife, Proserpine, from winter to spring (42, p. 171-8). Considering it the higher octave of Mars, astrologers assigned Pluto to replace Mars as the ruler of Scorpio. Scorpio’s lower level is abuse of power, an essential issue of Pluto, while Scorpio’s higher side is the rising Phoenix, which relates to Pluto’s transformational abilities.
In 1983, as AIDS began its spread, Pluto entered a long presence in its native house of Scorpio, ending in 1995 when it entered Sagittarius (at the time the proving of Plutonium was conducted). The last time Pluto was ascendant in Sagittarius was at the birth of Samuel Hahnemann. The planet will reach that point in the zodiac again in 2002. (44, p. 67).
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Pluto-san
In 1995, a modern day archetype of the god Pluto emerged in Japan in the form of Pluto-san. Clad in red boots and a helmet emblazoned with ‘Pu’ the cartoon character Pluto-boy reassured the jittery Japanese that the presence of a new plutonium -fuelled breeder reactor in their neighbourhood would not harm them. Downing a glass of plutonium-laced water, Pluto-san proclaimed : «Plutonium is your friend!’ (43, p. 2).

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Plutonian ode — part 1
What new element before us unborn in nature? Is there a new thing under the Sun? At last inquisitive Whitman a modern, epic, detonative, Scientific theme First penned unmindful by Doctor Seaborg with poisonous hand, named for Death’s planet through the sea beyond Uranus whose chthonic ore fathers this magma-teared Lord of Hades, Sire of avenging Furies, billionaire Hell- King worshipped once with black sheep throats cut, priest’s face averted from underground mysteries in a single temple at Eleusis, Spring-green Persephone nuptialed to his inevitable Shade, Demeter mother of asphodel weeping dew, her daughter stored in salty caverns under white snow, black hail, grey winter rain or Polar ice, immemorable seasons before Fish flew in Heaven, before a Ram died by the starry bush, before the Bull stamped sky and earth or Twins inscribed their memories in clay or Crab’d flood washed memory from the skull, or Lion sniffed the lilac breeze in Eden — Before the Great Year began turning its twelve signs, ere constellations wheeled for twenty-four thousand sunny years slowly round their axis in Sagittarius, one hundred sixty-seven thousand times returning to this night
Radioactive Nemesis were you there at the beginning black Dumb tongueless unsmelling blast of Disillusion?
I manifest your Baptismal Word after four billion years I guess your birthday in Earthling Night, i salute your dreadful presence lasting majestic as the Gods, Sabaot, Jehovah, Astapheus, Adonaeus, Elohim, Iao, Ialdabaoth, Aeon from Aeon born ignorant in an Abyss of Light, Sophia’s reflections glittering thoughtful galaxies, whirlpools of starspume silver-thin as hairs of Einstein!

Father Whitman I celebrate a matter that renders Self oblivion!
Grand Subject that annihilates inky hands and pages’ prayers, old orators’ inspired Immortalities, I begin your chant, open-mouthed exhaling into spacious sky over silent mills at Hanford, Savannah River, Rocky Flats, Pantex, Burlington, Albuquerque I yell thru Washington, South Carolina, Colorado, Texas, Iowa, New Mexico, where nuclear reactors create a new Thing under the Sun, where Rockwell war-plants fabricate this death Stuff trigger in nitrogen baths, Hanger Silas Mason assembles the terrified weapon secret by ten thousands, and where Manzano Mountain boasts to store its dreadful decay through two hundred forty millennia while our Galaxy spirals around its nebulous core.

I enter your secret places with my mind, I speak with your presence, I roar your Lion Roar with mortal mouth. One microgram inspired to one lung, ten pounds of heavy metal dust adrift slow motion over grey Alps the breadth of the planet, how long before your radiance speeds blight and death to sentient beings? Enter my body or not I carol y spirit inside you,
Unapproachable Weight, O heavy heavy Element awakened I vocalize your consciousness to six
worlds I chant our absolute Vanity. Yeah monster of Anger birthed in fear O most Ignorant matter ever created unnatural to Earth! Delusion of metal empires! Destroyer of lying Scientists! Devourer of covetous Generals, Incinerator of Armies and Melter of Wars!
Judgement of judgements, Divine Wind over vengeful nations, Molester of Presidents, Death-Scandal of Capital politics! Ah civilizations stupidly industrious!
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Canker-Hex on multitudes learned or illiterate! Manufactured Spectre
of human reason! O solidified imago of practitioners in Black Arts I dare your Reality, I challenge your very being! I publish your cause and effect!
I turn the Wheel of Mind on your three hundred tons!
Your name enters mankind’s ear! I embody your Ultimate powers!
My oratory advances on your vaunted Mystery! Thisbreath dispels your braggart fears! I sing your form at last behind your concrete and iron walls inside your fortress of rubber and translucent silicon shields in filtered cabinets and baths of lathe oil, My voice resounds through robot glove boxes and ingot cans and echoes in electric vaults inert of atmosphere,
I enter with spirit out loud into your fuel rod drums underground on soundless thrones and beds of lead O density! This weightless anthem trumpets transcendent through hidden chambers and breaks through iron doors into the Infernal Room!
Over your dreadful vibration this measured harmony floats audible, these jubilant tones are honey and milk-and wine-sweet water Poured on the stone block floor, these syllables are
barley groats I scatter on the Reactor’s core, I call your name with hollow vowels, I psalm your Fate close by, my breath near deathless ever at your side to Spell your destiny, Is set this verse prophetic on your mausoleum walls to seal you up Eternally with diamond Truth! O doomed Plutonium.

Allen Ginsberg
July 14, 1978
Written when he participated in a demonstration, sitting on railroad tracks outside Rockwell corp. Nuclear Facility’s Plutonium bomb trigger factory, Colorado, to halt a trainload of waste fissile materials. (45)
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Footnotes :
2. Walt Whitman
3. Sea : Pluto, past planets Uranus and Neptune. Dr. Glen Seaborg,
‘discoverer of Plutonium’.
4. Pluto was father to Eumenides, the Furies who return to avenge mindless damage done in passion, aggression, ignorance, etc. Pluto was also Lord of Wealth
6. Demeter, Pluto’s mother-in-law, the Earth fertility goddess whose daughter Persephone was stolen for marriage by underworld lord Pluto and kept his caverns a half year at a time, released to her mother each spring.
Demeter gave wheat to man at Eleusis, site of her temple, one place in ancient world where Pluto was also worshipped with ceremonies indicated above.
7. W.C. Williams wrote of Asphodel «that greeny flower» as the blossom of Hades.
8. Fish, Ram, Bull, Twins, Crab, Lion : Ages of Pisces, Aries, Taurus,
Gemini, Cancer, Leo. 2000 years each age.
11. Platonic, or Babylonian or Sidereal ‘great Year’ = 24,000 years = half life of plutonium radioactivity. This fact pointed out to me by Gregory Corso, inspired this poem.
12. The 24,000 yr. span of the Great Year = 167,000 cycles = 4 billion years, supposed age of earth.
13. Ref. : six senses including mind.
16. Jehovah to Ialdabaoth : Archons of successive Aeons born of Sophia’s thought, according to Ophitic and Barbelo-Gnostic myths.
20-23. Plutonium factories, whose location by state and whose function in bomb-making are here described.
24. 240,000 yrs the supposed time till plutonium becomes physically inert.
26-27. Ten pounds of plutonium scattered throughout the earth is calculated sufficient to kill 4 billion people.
29. Six world of Gods, Warrior Demons, Humans, Hungry Ghosts, Animals, Hell
Beings held together in the delusion of time by pride, anger and ignorance :
a Buddhist concept.
33. Divine Wind = kamikaze, typhoon, wind of gods.
36,300 tons of plutonium, estimate circa 1978 of the amount produced for American bombs.
37 ‘I sing your form’ etc. ‘The Reactor hath hid himself thro envy.
I behold him. But you cannot behold him till he be revealed in his System.’
Blake, Jerusalem, chapter II Plate 43 1.9-10.
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43. Traditional libation to Hades poured at Temple of Eleusis, and by Odysseus at the Necromanteion at Acheron.
45. Diamond : red. To Buddhist doctrine of Sunyata, i.e. existence as simultaneously void and solid, empty and real, all-penetrating egoless (empty void) nature symbolized by adamantine Vajra or Diamond Sceptre.
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Themes of plutonium nitricum
Since the proving of Plutonium nitricum we have witnessed some wonderful cures by this remedy. Common to many of these are the intensity and depth at the core of the case. It seems that other remedies could not touch the deep nucleus of generative energy, the will, which Plutonium detonates. The inner essence of Plutonium must forever remain hidden in the deep, but these cases have enabled us to fuse new clinical observations with proving themes. By carefully gathering and transmitting this information from generation to generation, a full picture will emerge.
I must stress that the following ideas represent only certain aspects of the proving. Neither is it necessary for any of these ideas to appear in every specific case — they may be partially present or not at all.
During the proving some provers felt light and elated, even spacey, as if a great burden had been lifted off their shoulders. This enabled a relaxed calmness with an ease of being, cheerfulness and laughing. On the other hand, provers felt incredibly heavy and weighed down. Depressions were described as ‘deep’ or ‘heavy’, originating from the very core of their being. This was sometimes accompanied by a withdrawn feeling and aversion to communication. The extreme aspect of this state is a sense of deep isolation with intense despair, as if totally alone in the world. With these polarities it is obvious that the remedy may be of use in certain maniac depressive cases.
We may deduce that the tension in Plutonium nitricum is on the vertical axis, with the lower heavy side being pulled downwards and the top light side floating up. This idea is confirmed in a diversity of ways. A few provers had a sensation of the soul leaving their body (often upwards and to the left). Others had a sense of elongation, of being very tall, also dreams of extremely tall, thin people. One prover felt the sensation of a cavity in his chest with vibrations moving upwards and downwards and eventually exiting through the vertex and rectum, respectively. We may compare this elongation of Plutonium to the radioactive mushroom resulting from an atomic explosion and rising 50,000 feet above the ground. This theme of heaviness and lightness also features in the proving of Helium, an element which Plutonium discharges as alpha radiation. There are several other similarities between the remedies Helium, Hydrogen and Plutonium — as if the head of the periodic table meets its own tail. They share a sensation of leaving the body, spiciness, lightness and elation combined with the opposing heaviness and isolation. Some Plutonium patients spoke with the deep voice of Plutonium, while others voiced the higher tones of Helium.
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This vertical dichotomy is given further expression through dreams. The prover dreamt of a woman sitting high up a tree, while far below an aggressive man searched for her. Another prover dreamt many peculiar dreams, always recurring twice in the same night, but from two different vantage points. The first dream was experienced by an observer looking from above, while the second was dreamt from down below, as a participant. In one dream the prover, observing from above, saw a bank robbery followed by a police chase. Later that night a similar dream occurred but this time the dreamer was the back robber, who, having previously observed the scene, knew the best route of escape. Therefore, alongside the elongation theme, there are aspects of a split between higher and lower aspects off ourselves and our ability to learn from past experience.
The low, deep and heavy aspect expressed in Plutonium seems to relate to our most primal nature. Anger with a tendency to quarrel. Dreams of warriors fighting or of aboriginal people throwing stones and spears at each other. Dreams and sensations of being a primitive Neanderthal man hunting with a dog. Plutonium delves deep into the centre of our being, where the basic instincts of survival lie buried. These instincts generate our claim for land and territory, as well as the connection through history to hereditary roots.
As the ancient god of the underworld, Pluto rules mercilessly over the imprisoned souls of the dead. This myth symbolises our connection to ancestral roots, genetic lineage and archaeological history. A central theme of Plutonium is a deep feeling of suffering originating from one’s forefathers, like a punishment echoing down through the generations. Just as the half-life a plutonium is almost 25,000 years, so the root of our suffering may stretch far into the past. In a similar way the consequences of our actions will affect many future generations. The hundreds of tonnes of plutonium that have been manufactured over the last decades will poison the earth for the next quarter of a million years. Thus, plutonium will radiate our genetic lineage through history, affecting our core, our marrow, our DNA. The same primitive person who once threw spears at a neighbour is now hurling atomic weapons of mass destruction across the border. A graphic visual image of this idea is in Stanley Kubric’s film ‘2001’, which opens with a group of apes fighting each other, then cuts to a spaceship hurtling into the depth of space and carrying nuclear cargo. The external form has changed, but our inner nucleus remains the same. Can we learn from past mistakes? Can we rise above old instincts before our world is destroyed? Can we leave a habitable planet for future generations?
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Yet, the source of this violent and destructive energy is also the root of our survival. The seventh radioactive period represents the core that energies our beings It is this power source, will, basic instinct or cell nuclei, which generates the force to create and propagate. Like bubbling bone marrow which churns out the red blood cells of life, natural underground power plants energise our existence.
the ability to use this core energy creatively depends on two factors : integration with all levels of being and slow release. When chakras revolve harmoniously, root energy can ascend to power us toward the higher purpose of our existence. When the radioactive power source is split form the helium of our soul, there is no channel connecting heaven and earth. This results in compressed nuclear violence, which some Plutonium patients have described as intense enough to destroy the world.
Like the raw energy of radioactive elements, this confined force should percolate to the surface slowly, naturally and gently from its habitat in the depth of marrow earth. When dragged incongruously to the surface it becomes dangerous and must be controlled. Some cured Plutonium patients were powerful individuals who had to suppress their deep and vital inner core due to fear of unleashing incredibly destructive violence. This suppression resulted in frightful black depressions or deep and enormous rage. We should remember that he remedy is Plutonium nitricum, and that nitric usually tends to limit and restrict the ions it associates with. The tremendous explosive power of plutonium is limited by the restrictive boundaries of nitrogen.
Violence and the association with blood and marrow are reflected in the Plutonium desire for red meat, liver, bacon and blood. Some provers had delusions of vampire bats, creatures that thrive on blood and live upside down in the underworld.
Naturally the power of the remedy manifests on the sexual level, the generative sphere of our existence. Powerful sexual urges, images of enormous phalluses and dreams of sexual abuse highlight the explosive energies of unbridled testosterone. This aggressive and base sexuality is coupled with aversion to ‘new age men’ or cultured people such as art dealers — middle men who do not generate or create. On the other hand a tendency towards effeminate men or masculine women was increased. Radioactive remedies may possibly be indicated in the AIDS pandemic. In an HIV patient, Plutonium nitricum has cured persistent anal warts and increased the white blood cell production.
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Pluto was the ancient god of material wealth, the source of crop growth and world economy. Yet, this power is extremely dangerous and will scorch if prematurely unleashed. Since 1945 we have lived in this radioactive world, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Deeper and deeper we dig, violently excavating elements of our being that until now have been left buried in the deep.
Platinum moves to PLumbum, PLUmbum extends to PLUtonium. The boys took their new chemistry set down to the basement, 94 bottles of cheerfully coloured chemicals waiting for a wizard. Too late, Pandora, too late! The box is open, your secret is out. Chronos lies dead at Hiroshima, his Kingdom split for all time. Radioactive corporation power governments of media-ocracy, fuelling the cancerous economics of a Mickey Mouse medicine. Shamans market secret potions while ancient occult traditions expose hidden codes on TV. Enigmatic genetic puzzles are cracked and engineered to statistically useful norms of in same sameness. Nations fuse to super-nations as decaying empires emit tribal particles. X-rays probe the depth of our psychic mysteries in plastic magazines, ripping deep subconscious veils of mystery to expose hidden planetary aspects. Soft micro soap operas expose the roots of our souls to digital audiences. Particle accelerators kiss the speed of light, corporate genetic food engineers generate leukaemic nuclear bunkers in our children’s marrow. T-cell warheads threaten genetic bundles of decoded viral information in mutually mutating deterrence. Across the fence at the common, savage peacekeeping men glare peaceful warrior women as the drip drip drip of toxic radiation seeps the underworld. Deep below in Hades, shades of the dead scream the message down the generations. Too late, Pandora! Too late! Your Plutonic Pandemic will power the earth long after our solar fuelled fossils obscure the sun.
J. Sherr ’99
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The proving of plutonium nitricum
Origin
Basic substance :
Solution of plutonium nitrate (PuNO3), diluted with condensed water.
Date of creation : 26th June 1994
Quantity : 20ml
Acidity : pH 7
Total activity : 2.0543 Bq
2.0543 Bq
Composition :
Element Activity Mass Concentration Molar Mass
Pu 239 2. 02 Bq (98.33%) 0.889867ng(99.97%) 45.5 ng/l 2×10-10 M
Am 241 0. 0224 Bq (1.09%) 0.000186 ng (0.02%) 9 pg/l 2×10-14 M
Pu 238 0. 0119 Bq (0.58%) 0.000018 ng (0.00%) 1 pg/l 4×10-15 M
(1 ng = 1×10-9 g; 1 pg = 1×10-12 g)
Because of the dilution of the plutonium nitrate with condensed water (0.05 ug/l), the basic substance was considered as corresponding approximately to a 5C. It was then potentised for a few minutes, diluted at 1/100 with 70° proof alcohol and potentised again. The resulting solution was considered as a 6C.
This 6C dilution was then sent to Helios Homoeopathic Pharmacy in the U.K. where it was succussed to higher potencies using the method of one drop to 99 in 90% alcohol, with 40 hand succussions.
The basic substance was prepared in a French laboratory of nuclear physics by a qualified physicist. The subsequent 6C Potency was made by Dr D. Lusting on 30th June 1994. All subsequent potencies were prepared by John Morgan of Helios Homoeopathic Pharmacy in Kent, England.
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Proving protocol
Post-graduate students of the Dynamis School in London, U.K. , under the supervision of Jeremy Sherr conducted this proving during the year’s 1995/1996.
There were 21 provers and 3 placebos in total. Each prover had a dedicated supervisor. Two master provers supervised the entire proving under the general supervision of Jeremy Sherr. The methodology of the proving followed that suggested in ‘The Dynamis and Methodology of Homoeopathic Provings’.
The proving was triple-blind, meaning that neither provers, supervisors nor master provers knew the nature of the substance being proved. After submitting a Statement of Consent, each prover had a full case taken by the supervisor and kept notes for ten days before commencement of the proving.
All the provers were then sent an individually-coded vial of the remedy, direct from Helios Homoeopathic Pharmacy. Each prover took a maximum number of three doses and recorded their symptoms in a notebook. Provers and supervisors were in daily contact for the first three weeks of the proving, and then less frequently for up to six months from the beginning of the proving. Group meetings with the provers were held at two, four and six months.
Symptoms were extracted from the notebooks of both provers and supervisors by teams of three homoeopaths per prover, using the criteria listed in section B : ‘The Dynamics and Methodology of Homoeopathic Provings’ under the heading of ‘Choosing Symptoms’ and ‘Criteria for Including Symptoms’. These symptoms were then arranged in an ‘as if one person’ format and edited according to Kent’s hierarchy and sub-hierarchy, with secondary sorting according to context, prover and chronology. Placebo provings were compared b excluded.
The proving as a whole was conducted as a pure Hahnemannian proving, with the strictest attention to detail. No speculation or hypothesis was allowed to be included and the proving was edited and re-edited at least fifteen times.
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There is an interesting anecdotal concomitant to this experiment. While I as deciding where to conduct this proving, I asked my classes in Norway and California if they would agree to prove a radioactive substance. To my surprise, they did. Subsequently I decided to conduct the proving in the UK. However, I felt the Californian and Norwegian schools under the impression that they would prove a radioactive substance. They then proved, double blind, Eagle and Helium respectively. None of the symptoms produced showed any relationship to radiation, or any speculation around that theme. Their provings related clearly and strongly to Eagle and Helium.
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The provers
NUMBER SEX AGE EYES HAIR POTENCY
1 F 41 Blue Dark 15
2 M 42 Blue Dark 30
3 F 36 Brown Dark 30
4 F 44 Hazel Dark 30
5 F 41 Blue Dark 30
6 F 45 Hazel Fair 15
7 M 32 Blue Dark 30
8 F 39 Green Dark 15
9 M 28 Blue Fair 30
10 F 38 Blue Dark 15
11 F 45 Blue Fair 30
12 F Dark 30
13 F 45 Blueberry Fair 30
14 M Blue Fair 30
15 F 36 Brown Dark 15
16 F 48 Brown Dark 30
17 F 41 Blue Dark 15
18 M 42 Blue Fair 30
19 F 30
20 M 43 Brwngrn Dark 30
21 M 31 Brwngrn Fair 30
In addition, three people were given a placebo and their symptoms were recorded in the same manner as those of the provers.
FINAL EDIT: Rosalind Floyd, Jeremy Sherr
COORDINATERS, EDITING : Rosalind Floyd, Nick Churchill
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The proving symptoms
Mind
Sensations
I arrived home to discover that the envelope and glass vial containing the remedy were smashed. Whilst talking to the person who sent the remedy, I emptied out the contents of the envelope onto paper and symptoms started.
3,00.00.00
I have an inner vision of 94 colour soma bottles.
11, XX. XX. XX
There is a sound in my body like a bursting balloon.
11,XX. XX. XX
I realise that the remedy seems to work like a mushroom that grows for a long time underground and then suddenly pops up.
12,01 : 06. XX
On meditating this morning, I has a very clear vision of the earth exploding. After this meditation, I realised that the same vision had come
6, 04. XX. XX
In bed with my eyes shut, I thought it is bright sunshine and we don’t need the light on.
19,00 : 06 : 20
Immediately after taking the remedy, I felt a space opening up over the roof of my mouth, with a feeling of expansion upwards. I as lying in bed and saw, when I closed my eyes, a glistening texture of granite oblong sets as if they were wet, reflecting street lights in a dark street.
4,00.00.00
I have an inner vision of people dancing, twirling in circles and revolving
11,XX. XX
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I see Indian dancers’ hands crossing and recrossing in a spiral.
11,XX. XX
I have a vision of faces and profiles of alternating warriors and peacemakers. Also, the face of a Stone Age man.
11,00 : 10 : 07
All from prover 11
Image of falling head first, the fall from grace, Paradise Lost.
I have a delusion that I am elbowing my way through an enormous crowd of past generations.
11, 04 : 03 : 00
I feel that the proving is dissolving the «Sins of the Fathers».
I have an inner vision of faces of my father, of his death — of a man with odd gloves, one purple and one black.
I have an inner vision of the back of a man in front of me.
I go back to old haunts in London, laying ghosts. The fronts of houses look like stage sets (are we just acting?) The shape of the space of sky between and above the houses looks like a roof of sky. I see light shadows, not dark. I see dancing light in particles.
My lips feel sealed, minus air, as if silent during interrogation -cannot deceive.
I have an inner vision of a shape of blue, blue light.
I see a flash of blue lights on my face.
I have an inner vision of masses of fine, wave-like movement, stretching upwards into the light, dancing, twisting in spirals. Am I seeing things before they happen?
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I feel bright starlight or moonlight from my left eye. There are flashes of light to the left. These points of light, are they distant galaxies?
I have a delusion of seeing shining objects that are like a dome when horizontal but shaped like a palette knife when vertical.
I see a strange light in the sky, shaped like three offset oblongs.
The dark objects descend, then are surrounded by light into which they are dissolved. I see spirals of light going upwards.
I see sound waves from speakers I feel them in my head like a bat, especially in the bones of my face. My fine capillaries feel delicate. I feel I have echo-location like a bat. I am up at night more than usual — nocturnal?
I feel as if perhaps I am the wrong way up (a bat and a primate?)
I feel as if I hear a name behind by nose.
After meditating, I put my left hand over my face and I could see a skeleton of light — my bones glowing.
I have a delusion that I am constantly followed by a bear, which says, «Nourish me!»
I feel raw, as if the outside of me has been burnt away.
The bed is rapidly becoming a pool of tears and still the fire burns. I hear soft words in Hebrew over the shouts of German. I can no longer bear the pain in my heart; bodies washed with tears. I prepare to dive with memories of drowning before me; I receive the gift of courage, return to the comforting embrace of the ocean.
I don’t want to talk about all this; it brings it to the surface before it is safe to do so. I feel it is something to be done alone, balancing the light with the dark. I feel heroic — full of courage.
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I hear myself screaming inside. My body is raw and wet; I feel the pain of breath, air on my skin, a jolt in my heart, a burning, I am alone again, as if I am born. My breathing is noisy and laboured. I must learn to breathe again.
At the moment, tears are creating such moist darkness. I feel exceptionally gentle with myself and others, grateful for these glimpses down under. I have been gazing heavenwards too long.
Space
I’m feeling spaced out. Feedback from husband : I am distant, uncommunicative, lost in my own thoughts.
6,04. XX. XX
Feeling as if I had taken too many strong drugs.
1,00. XX. XX
I was very still — felt as if I was far out in space, gazing out into deep space. I see the dark side of men. I feel there is an empty stillness and I am gazing out.
11,00.14.00
Vacant sensation : out of my head, spaced out.
6,00.00.07
I felt as if I wasn’t really on this planet, not in this reality.
6,01.23.30
Tired and spaced out. It feels like an invasion. The spaced-out feeling is worse for thinking or doing anything. It feels unbalanced, as though I am not on the same wavelength. I feel up in the air.
6,00.12.32
My stomach seems almost unreal, as if it’s not really mine. I look at it and it looks alien to me, as if it’s someone else’s.
9,XX. XX
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Lightness/load
Feels lighter.
Observation : Has an air of lightness and effectiveness about her.
14, 00.08.30
I feel lighter. Things don’t affect me as much and I feel more distanced. Observation : More relaxed, copes better with difficult situations such as three people cooking in the kitchen and making a mess. Generally more laid back towards issues that usually excite and upset her. Seems unstuck, flowing, lighter, more liquid. More in her centre.
19,03. XX. XX.
I’m feeling very good, much lighter and happier in myself, like a huge load that I was carrying has gone and I’m freer to enjoy life.
3,XX. XX.
Since the New Year, feel something has allowed me to lighten up and start to enjoy life more; not going into things so deeply. I can feel alright on my own, take time to start seeing who people really are, realise that I have got energy, power and passion and how much I have suppressed these in the past. All these realisations feel an enormous relief, of gigantic importance to me.
3,02. XX. XX.
Several other people have a feeling of lightness, that I am lighter. I agree with this — I feel lighter too, and yet I have put on physical weight for the first time for years.
2,XX. XX.
I am feeling lighter and more balanced, both generally and in my sexual desire.
7,XX. XX.
High spirits
I felt my heart open to the beautiful day and sky — it was so clear and open, felt glad to be alive. Feeling of excitement, butterflies in solar plexus, that come on and off — an emotional excitement.
6, 01.02. XX.
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I realise I have been laughing a lot recently.
3,11. XX. XX.
I kept thanking people for things.
11,XX. XX.
Today I’ve felt very grounded and alive. I’ve got lots of energy and I’m very happy.
12,04.12. XX.
I feel suddenly bright and cheerful, in a teasing mood.
11,XX. XX.
Leaving body
Feeling spacey and slightly anxious, as if I’m going to have a panic attack. I have an out-of-body feeling in my head. Feel I will faint, light-headed and different. Not me anymore. I feel a bit stoned.
10,00.00.02
Whilst lying in bed when not asleep I feel slightly out of my body, especially my hands. I know they are touching the bed, but they feel a couple of centimetres above it.
10,0.17. XX
My mind or my head feels separated from my body.
9,00.00.05
‘Step-back’ point of view — observer. I step back and see things happening in a new way, from outside.
15,08. XX. XX
Vacant sensation, out of my head, spaced out.
6,00.00.07
I feel as if the essence of me has left my body and is sitting on the top left hand side of my head. More apparent when I am moving. On waking, the top of my head feels as f the skull is not closed; it’s like a Munsters-head shape, it goes straight up. Top of head elongated and open.
6,03. XX. XX
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Felt as though I was behind (wearing) a mask, looking through two holes.
6,17.00.00
I have a sensation as if rebirthing. When it is this painful, I either leave my body or kill myself.
11,XX. XX
My lead is very light, feels as if it will float off.
2,00.08.30
I feel as though I’m off to one side — left side -and up in the air. I’m spread around, more space around, not centred. I’m sitting in the left side of my head, up at the top of my head on the left side. Off balance. Worse for movement.
2,00.12.32
I had a sensation of dizziness, together with the feeling of being on drugs. I felt as though I was looking from above.
12,01.12. XX
Elongation
I have a sense of elongation. I feel as if I’m longer and higher. I can look down from a great height from a still and silent head. MY mind, or my head, is very still and silent — it feels separated from my body, and I’m looking down on things. It’s as if I’m on a cliff or a bridge looking down at things below me.
9,XX. XX. XX
My feet feel far away from my head, while sitting.
19,00.00.44
I have a sensation of being tall while walking to the bus stop. Looking at everything from a higher point of view. The floor looks further down.
15,15. XX. XX
Could imagine myself either very large or very small. My arms could have reached anywhere, or I could be tiny.
5,00.00.01
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Heaviness and depth
The immediate feeling is a sense of density filling me. Fear that something is going to happen, with breathlessness, sense of foreboding.
17,00.00.01
I started to feel depressed. I felt paralysed; almost possessed by heaviness, which was almost physical, going deeper into my body. There was a sense of having no will or even desire to get out of it, a kind of nothingness, no light no dark, nothing, only the thought : «There is nothing, I am nothing, nothing matters’. It felt like a dead space.
18,00.12.00
On waking, emotional heaviness, a dark cloud all around me. Feelings of isolation and greyness.
6,05. XX. XX
I was at a party and everyone was talking in a very superficial way. I felt much deeper, totally alien to all that. I found it difficult to adapt. I was very reluctant to talk to them about everyday life.
12,10.00. XX
Digging up the past
Yawning and stretching — I felt as if I as waking after a very, very long time (like Rip van Winkle but I called it Rumpelstiltskin).
11,00.00.00
I feel that the proving is dissolving the «Sins of the Fathers».
11,04. XX. XX.
I realise that the remedy seems to work like a mushroom that grows for a long time underground and then suddenly pops up.
12,01 06. XX
Cores stuff — feels good to go to this depth and see it. Feel as though shifting huge amounts of heavy stuff. Totally heavy side of me, feels like things are happening on a totally different level now — much more inner core than before. The image I had about my childhood was like being in solitary confinement : so totally alone, might as well have not existed, fed and watered and roofed but not much else. No emotional love/reassurance. I would have been better off dead and wished I were, as if invisible. No hope of the future being better.
3,28. XX. XX
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An old memory sprang up in me (an image of the way my dad used to look at me) and a feeling of shame. It was the shame I’d felt as a child that made me hide things I’d broken. It is shame I feel now, the shame of being responsible for making a fuss in the shop that drove me into myself. Wanting to be alone, to find tasks that take me away from looking at or talking to people. I am seen years old and forty-two years old at the same time. It was incredibly powerful for me, and I struggled to tell my supervisor what it felt like. Strange that a childhood state comes back to me so strongly during this proving, a state that I have not felt for twenty years, as if the remedy has increased the voltage, upped the flow of energies through me.
2,02.09. XX.
Whilst talking to a friend about what has happened to me, the feelings of shame overtake me once more. I feel as f I blush deeply inside my whole body; I want to stop talking and leave the room. I feel small, stupid, as if I’ve been deceitful, I can’t look at him. Dropping my eyes to the floor and this increased the feeling further. I feel like a small boy again, and yet my adult nature is till present and it takes control again, allowing me to change the subject and move on.
2,08. XX. XX.
Another series of revelations about myself. After an argument with my wife, whilst travelling around in the afternoon thinking about what happened to us, a series of connections took place in my mind that showed me starkly my own sexuality throughout my life. It was as if a series of events from my life ran themselves together through my mind so that I was aware of hidden truths in my nature. I saw into myself in ways that I had never seen before. I saw into my nature as a sexual man and also a loyal partner; I understood the different parts of me and I understood how I have buried parts of me to keep them in balance.
2,27. XX. XX.
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I was telling a friend about a time in childhood when I an my brother and sister had to stay with friends of the family. A lot of grief seemed to come from nowhere, and I started crying. The feeling was of : «Why didn’t my older brothers and sisters come to visit, and where was Mother?» I was not embarrassed about crying, which was unusual for me. I felt I had gained some insight into my past; why I need to have facts and to know what is going on.
10,20. XX. XX.
I had memories of two years ago, when I became very fearful after a period of psychotherapy. The therapy centred on my relationship with my parents, focussing latterly on my father. I never did get to the root of the fears, which was to do with possible sexual abuse.
6,05. XX. XX.
Buried emotions
At yoga class this evening, I wanted to weep during relaxation. Breathing deeply into the abdomen, I was too embarrassed to let the tears out. After a minute or two of controlling this, I became very agitated inside. I had another episode of chills running up my back and inside my chest and the breath started to come out in great shuddering sighs, which relieved me. The whole process took about ten minutes.
2,13. XX. XX.
Depressed and weepy during therapy session. Internalised my anger.
15,36. XX. XX.
At bedtime, I had thoughts of my mum. Wondered why I had no feelings about her, and the tears came to my eyes but would not come through — something stops them.
2,03. XX. XX.
Crashed the car — smashed a headlight. I didn’t cry, even later on, feel detached.
4,36. XX. XX.
PAGE 40
Spiritual fear/evil forces
Sudden anxiety with a sinking in the solar plexus area. I felt as though there was an unpleasant energy around me. I wanted to run out of the place I was in. I felt there were lower entities around, and I was fearful of them invading my aura.
6,14.12.45
During the night I felt slightly out-of-body, the sensation coming n waves with anxious feeling. I was reluctant to go to bed after a conversation with a friend concerning paranormal phenomena, as this had generated anxiety in relation to my out-of-body sensation of the previous nights.
10,07. XX. XX.
During the night I am thinking, with some reservations and lots of questions about other dimensions and the spiritual world. I think I am worse in the dark. I would be all right if this happened in daylight hours.
10,09. XX. XX.
On going up to the altar to receive mass, I see that the small by next to me is clutching a Batman toy and I feel a sense of horror and spiritual fear. I can no longer attain the sense of peace and safety I sought.
4,XX. XX.
I have the feeling of battling against something evil out there that is actually inside me but not quite part of me.
4,XX. XX.
For some reason I keep thinking of dark chocolate, and then I feel sick in my stomach and throat.
14,15.04. XX.
Primitive man
Desire for a dog to go hunting with.
11,02.15.30
I feel ape-like in my brow, forehead, jaw and mouth. I feel as if my brow is greatly enlarged.
11,01. XX. XX
PAGE 41
I had a imaginary dog, which I took for a walk every morning in the park, for the first two months of the proving.
4,XX. XX.
A friend asked me out and to have a physical relationship. He was he second man to ask me out in two days. I felt pissed off, felt I’d been taken for granted. I felt distrust for men. I felt superior, untouchable, as if I was fighting to protect myself emotionally. My penetrating kindness and healing power had been taken for granted. I yelled and screamed at him.
03,02.09.30
I am repulsed by males; I want to flee from them to avoid being dominated. I have animal instincts, feel all my senses are alert in order to stay alive. I am jumpy and nervous. It has taken time to knock me off-centre, but it started with my acute sense of sight, sound and smell. I feel primitive. I feel as if I have an ape-like face, with large brows, jaws and mouth. My legs are more male, hairy and thrust forward. I feel as if my supervisor is a mere gibbon and I am bigger and heavier than he is. He is trying to defend his territory, pulling at his face and picking like an ape. With my supervisor I feel manipulated, controlled, looked down upon and judged.
11,01.03.30
I feel a strong repulsion towards men; feel we should never rely on men.
11,XX. XX.
I feel more male — strong perspiration, skin coarser, my shoulders hunches forwards, y brow greatly enlarged, great strength in my arms and hands, my feet prehensile. I want to eat with my hands, eat raw meat. I feel I am unimaginative, just doing what needs to be done, not so much fun, more basic instinct than intuition. I am eating seeds; I feel a desire to be digging in the earth.
11,01.07.08
I am walking like a Neolithic man or someone from another planet, with my shoulders hunched, head forward, alert, thoughts concentrated, tremendous forward power. I feel dark and amazing.
11,01.10.00
PAGE 42
Am I the only person on this planet? I feel as if I am at the beginning of man’s first steps as an upright being. This is where I feel I am — on all fours; I am frightened by noises.
11,02.01.00
Male/female
Feeling masculine today — it feels like heaviness stature and emotions. I wouldn’t be surprised if I looked in the mirror to see a man as the reflection. I feel like a man in a woman’s body.
6,28. XX. XX.
I’ve been talking with my girlfriend. She had a pain in her breasts and I found myself wondering and imagining if we could still stay together if she had a mastectomy. Would she be perfect enough? I find myself wondering about her without breasts.
9,00.07. XX.
Wanting male energy, more energy.
3,XX. XX.
There is a change in my body image : I don’t feel ‘fat’ but comfortable and feminine in my body.
15,08. XX. XX.
Sexuality
On taking the remedy, I felt sexually aroused and wanted to make love.
12,00.00.00
I am feeling very sexual, a very overpowering feeling.
7,06. XX. XX.
Ogling at women.
7,13. XX. XX.
I’ve been flirting a lot.
9,10. XX. XX.
PAGE 43
Desire for nipples to be sucked — sexual rather than maternal.
11,XX. XX.
Unusually sharp feeling of love for my girlfriend, on leaving her to go back to my own house.
22,00.02.30
A feeling of love and warmth, welling out right across my chest and upper arms. The title track of Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd swelled through my head.
22,00.08.20
I felt quite peaceful, and calmer. My senses and feelings were more acute, I felt sexually aroused.
12,00.00. XX.
I am feeling lighter and more balanced both generally and in my sexual desire.
7,XX. XX.
Colours
As my feeling of joy gradually returns, things seem alive. Red seems to be jumping out — prominently.
17,00.01.16
I catch myself looking at red colours and feasting my eyes on them. I tell my wife to wear bright red lipstick for a party.
14,00.01.55
I see beautiful blue/turquoise light.
11,XX. XX.
My partner showed me a colour chart — he’s painting the house. I said : «Just paint it white, I can’t cope with colours any more».
12,00.12. XX.
PAGE 44
Mind emotions
Isolation
Feeling of isolation started in the evening, I wanted to contact other provers.
6,00.19.00
I miss my old lover dreadfully. Feel intense aloneness, sense of separation. Notice moon clouded over. I cry myself to sleep.
13,06.14. XX
Despair
Image of falling head first, the fall from grace, Paradise Lost. I feel so dull didn’t even remember to remember my dreams. I am still, alone — devoid of all passion. Where is my God? I lack any emotional response to anything. I feel separate from the rest of the world, just observing. I feel slowed down physiologically; as if I will live longer, but where is the joy? What a price to pay. In meditating, I do not transcend anymore.
11,04. XX. XX
At times my inner light was unreachable — I had feelings of despair and desperation for myself and also the world.
6,XX. XX. XX
I feel as if I am old and waiting to die, as if there is nothing to live for.
11,04. XX. XX
I have slightly paranoid thoughts, imagining the worst. Irritable. I have lost my vibrant, optimistic attitude. I fear that the universe is not going to provide and that my perception of events is negative.
10,33. XX. XX
I’m feelings at a low ebb; depressed and also a bit dizzy.
12,02. XX. XX
PAGE 45
Emotionally and physically shaky, not concentrating well, not feeling grounded, vulnerable. A letter came, threatening the future of the house, job — as if everything is falling down around me. As if a rug being pulled from under me. This was the worst day yet.
8,16. XX. XX
Feel low and tearful. Read papers, the awful things happening in the world really get to me — cry. Pouring with rain, windy — feels like an echo of me.
13,07. XX. XX
Despaired of ever regaining the state of health I had damaged by taking drugs while a student (for many days).
22,14. XX. XX
Suicidal thoughts
I have been feeling very shitty, very polluted, very dirty. Regarding my face eruptions, my friend joked that I looked like a bloody leper and I felt she had put her finger on it. It is making me feel suicidal.
8,30. XX. XX
I have a sensation as if rebirthing. When it is this painful, I either leave my body or kill myself.
11,XX. XX. XX
Great despair over split with girlfriend, with suicidal thoughts.
22,XX. XX. XX
Anger and irritability
During the time I was taking the remedy, I was sacked from my job. I was dismissed for ‘my hostility and aggression to customers’. In that time, there were four complaints about me. I didn’t notice any hostility in my behaviour! Anyway, I grovelled and got my job back.
9,XX. XX. XX
I feel impatient, brutish and coarse, looking at the world through male eyes. I am cold, detached — out for myself, narrow. I’m not hearing the bird-song.
11,03.05.16
PAGE 46
Feelings of intolerance towards Asians I see in the street.
22,18. XX. XX
Pre-existing levels of anger, irritability and impatience increased dramatically during the proving, for many days.
22,XX. XX. XX
I’ve had a lot of fights with my girlfriend. It’s like we’re in competition. She says something and my energy just goes. I can’t even respond, I have to sulk.
9,04.06. XX
I didn’t connect with the people I was with, couldn’t feel anything for them — indifferent. Also, had intense irritability and outbursts of anger at trifles, e.g. a drawer that wouldn’t open.
18. XX. XX. XX
Irritability — the sound of a dripping tap is really aggravating me.
7,12. XX. XX
I had a fight with my wife, felt I was mean to her, cruel; I felt righteous about this but now I hate myself. She was humiliated. I was angry and it came out.
2,04. XX. XX
After a phone call in which my wife put the phone down on me, I had a fit of anger and kicked the furniture around and broke a chair. This discharged the feelings of anger and frustration, and I felt calm again soon afterwards.
2,06. XX. XX
Impatience, wanting to do my own thing, impatient with anyone who interrupted me.
6,03. XX. XX
I’ve been very angry in my sleep and extremely angry when I wake up.
9,03. XX. XX
PAGE 47
I am very irritable and miserable; this gets worse as the day goes along.
15,02.00.00
Violent could erupt at any moment.
14,XX. XX. XX
Minding a friend’s child, I realised I was more short with her than usual.
8,03. XX. XX
Bad mood — low and irritable. Wanted to take it out on the shopkeepers, whose power had gone to their head. It felt like a sort of persecution. The feeling lifted completely and suddenly at 10pm.
8,13. XX. XX
At college, I feel very annoyed by two people talking loudly. I had to leave the room.
13,10.13.00
Stabs of irritability against my supervisor, suspecting him of having given me the remedy in a packet he had previously used for sending another remedy.
22,00.11.50
I was sharp with one of my students, who is a bit needy and under-confident. I found her irritating and felt short with her.
10,19. XX. XX
I was irritable with the students in the afternoon and actually made on cry; I pointed out in a cold, surgical-knife way, how she panics when she meets a new concept. I felt irritated, annoyed and impatient.
10,34. XX. XX
Felt angry, sad and despairing after selfishness of others in team meeting at work. Would normally have felt more resigned to the situation.
8,50.10.00
PAGE 48
Fear and anxiety
Fear; I woke suddenly from a dream. My heart is pounding and I feel an adrenaline rush.
10,16.02. XX
I awoke terrified; thinking a bomb had just exploded. I stood at the top of the stairs listening, my heartbeat clearly audible, shaking, but I had to keep still — my life depended on listening, like being hunted. I thought that someone was breaking into the house.
11,00.23.50
I feel hunted down. I am unemotionally automatic.
11,XX. XX. XX
Locked and bolted house because I feel scared. Hearing is extremely acute — listening in the still quiet.
11,01.18. XX
Delusion that people are about to burst through the door.
11,02.19.00
Anxiety felt in the chest and throat.
6,05. XX. XX
Fear of thunder and lightning. I usually love it.
6,08. XX. XX
Fear of cancer is getting obsessive, especially about lump in right axilla.
15,35. XX. XX
Very anxious and nervous while alone in the office, which greatly interfered with my concentration. Somewhat better for eating. Finally, I found myself having to repeat aloud, in a slow, deliberate and uplifting voice, the phrase «Light, and easy», over and over again.
22,23. XX. XX
PAGE 49
Frantic indecision about whether a pair of sandals I had bought was the right size, and anxiety about a minute flaw in them, for three days. I changed them for another pair but these ones seemed flawed too.
22,05. XX. XX
Fear of dropping things.
1,00. XX. XX
Very marked worsening of fear of heights, which was apparent six months after the proving started when on holiday. I was stuck in a state of paralysed fear partway down a cliff; while my family happily went on down the steps of the granite path, and I could see them bathing in the rock pools below.
4,XX. XX. XX
Excess salivation and bitter taste, aggravated by talking about any subject I was anxious about. I had to keep swallowing all the time.
6,26. XX. XX
Withdrawal/disconnection emotionally
I felt faraway and detached — I just wanted to be on my own. I’m more sensitive. I couldn’t be with other people; I felt constricted and had to get away.
12,00.01. XX
It feels as if there is a veil between me and the rest of the world. Like a very fine net curtain. I realise that the curtain had come down as soon as I took the remedy. I feel isolated and alone, I don’t want to communicate, I feel in a different place from everyone else. I don’t seem to be communicating with anyone, least of all my family. Husband told me : «You’re a disaster area at the moment». Felt tearful and didn’t want to be in the remedy state any more. I feel as if I’m fighting to get back to normal — in a state of resistance.
6,06. XX. XX
I lack any emotional response to anything. I have no desire to get out of bed or to dance as I usually do. I feel separate from the rest of the world, just observing. I feel slowed down physiologically, as if I will live longer, but where is the joy? What a price to pay. In meditating, I do not transcend anymore.
11,04.04.20
PAGE 50
Disconnection with self. I felt I was watching the whole proving and could stop it at will if I wanted to, although it was a sense of being possessed by a being. My sense of self and familiar thought processes were absent and, looking back, the whole proving —which lasted intensely for two weeks — was like a black hole in my life.
18,07-14. XX. XX
Unsociable at work. I wanted to sit quietly, plodding; just wanted to read the paper, be left alone.
5,02. XX. XX
Today I felt I don’t want to cope with everyday things, I don’t want to be bothered, I couldn’t do it. I just huddled in my bed with my duvet.
12,00.12. XX
I’m feeling spaced out. Feedback from husband : I am distant, uncommunicative, lost in my own thoughts.
6,04. XX. XX
I didn’t ring my supervisor as arranged for three days running, waiting for her to ring me instead. I didn’t want to talk to her about myself. I feel withdrawn, I don’t want to read the paper or watch the news. I don’t know whether I’m being calm or paralysed. I have not posted letters to patients for three days, don’t really cure that they have been kept waiting. I feel that so much is going on in my dream level that day-to-day stuff is less important. My calmness yesterday was nice, but doesn’t feel good today.
4,03.10.00
I felt as if I was closing up inside and didn’t want to communicated with anyone.
6,03. XX. XX
PAGE 51
When talking to my sister, I found it difficult to say anything to her. There was no real connection at all. I had to censor many things; the feeling was of frustration.
9,00.09. XX
I had a fight through lack of communication about sex.
9,03.06. XX
Emotionally lethargic and dull.
6,01.23.30
I’ve been feeling very frustrated. I tried to shoot some arrows in the hall, which usually makes me feel good, but it wasn’t in any way satisfying.
9,00.06. XX
I am held, as if suspended. I feel detached when looking at loved photographs.
17,XX. XX. XX
I didn’t connect with the people I was with, couldn’t feel anything for them, indifferent. Part of me was detached and knew that this was part of the proving.
18,XX. XX. XX
‘Step-back’ point of view — observer. I step back and see things happening in a new way, from the outside.
15,08. XX. XX
Calm and friendly yet distanced from people. Disinclined to talk. Strong aversion to contact with people.
12,02.13. XX
Crashed the car, smashed a headlight. I didn’t cry, even later on — feel detached.
4,36. XX. XX
‘Can’t be bothered’ mood.
13,12. XX. XX
PAGE 52
I feel dishevelled in appearance.
10,06. XX. XX
I felt work early and felt unwilling to teach, to muster up enthusiasm. A ‘tired in my mind’ kind of feeling.
10,27. XX. XX
I was at a meeting and felt out of it, apart. I had a sense that I anted to laugh at the absurdity of the conversation, and at the same time I felt embarrassed. I don’t feel very sociable; usually I’m chatty, lively. I’m aware I’m not my usual self.
10,XX. XX. XX
I feel peaceful and content with myself, quite a harmonious feeling but a bit melancholic. I think about my father, who is dead — nothing can really touch me.
1,XX. XX. XX
I am feeling more connected with myself and others. I have a clearer idea of my purpose in life. (Cured symptom : I usually feel separated and isolated.)
7,09. XX. XX
Aversion to company
I want to be alone. It’s when I’m in company that the feeling of separation from everyone becomes apparent to me.
6,XX. XX. XX
I feel very low emotionally; I like a kind of weakness. I feel unable to cope with day-to-day living. I want to be alone, and can’t be bothered with the demands of the children. I can’t be bothered with anything. I don’t want to communicate with anyone, especially my husband or my supervisor.
6,04. XX. XX
PAGE 53
I didn’t want to talk about myself at all. Aware of directing conversation away from myself. I felt distracted within. I felt as though I wanted to hide away from everyone. But a friend said I appeared more expansive, gesticulating more than usual.
6,08. XX. XX
I want to be alone in the evening; don’t feel very sociable, I’m aware that I don’t want to be near «needy» people.
I realised how glad I was to have split up with my girlfriend, glad to be alone, how it’s my natural way of relating to the world. Two’s a crowd — it gets in the way of your perceptions.
22,16. XX. XX
Emotional openness/communication
I felt very loving towards my husband and children today, totally the opposite of yesterday.
6,XX. XX. XX
I woke up ‘reborn’ after my headache had gone. Strong desire to communicate with my parent after a long period of silence. Wrote a fluent letter to them.
15,07. XX. XX
I can let go and I can be emotional and vulnerable — I am still frightened by it, but less so now.
2,XX. XX. XX
I’ve been feeling very calm and very sympathetic. I’ve been reassuring others.
9,00.10. XX
I met an ex-student and ex-teacher this morning, which has made me feel more connected.
7,17. XX. XX
PAGE 54
Accomplishing
I am more motivated and more organised; I seem more efficient and controlled. I can work with less of the whip to drive me on and, amazingly for me, I can let go as well. I’ve discovered the self-preservation instinct in me is stronger than it was. I stop more easily. It is very strange for me to be able to accept my own ‘less than perfect’ state.
2,XX. XX. XX
On waking at 0415, my mind is racing, thinking about patients and remedies.
6,13. XX. XX
I am usually tired and unable to concentrate when working the night shift, but tonight I can work continuously and effectively on a job that I have postponed for months.
14,02.10. XX
I’ve been very industrious. I’ve been working really hard all day organising my notes, doing my filing, getting loose ends sorted out. I’ve tided my bookshelves and arranged everything in my room.
9,00.07. XX
I’m incredibly busy at work. Lots of new clients. I’m taking it really seriously. I am industrious — I need to do things.
9,10. XX. XX
Unruffled at college. I got up and sang — I performed a remedy and really enjoyed it, not minding people or what they thought.
5,05. XX. XX
Feeling surer and more confident in myself, stronger inside on a deep level.
22,08. XX. XX
In the pub, the barman inexplicably gave me too much change for a couple of drinks. I sent the money back the next day, as I had been reading Kent on the honesty and purity of the physician.
22,13. XX. XX
PAGE 55
As long as the pressure and tearing in my head is there, I have the feeling that I can’t do anything (which is not true). But if the pressure is gone, my mood is good — better than before proving.
1,44. XX. XX
I have an overwhelming feeling of frustration and repulsion about some work I was supposed to do for my father, but which I had been putting off for days. I decided then and there not to do any more, and to find some way of explaining this to him.
22,17. XX. XX
Restlessness/hurry
Restless — I don’t really known what to do with myself for an hour or so.
6,00.11.52
The students tell me I seem uninterested in teaching and less concerned about whether they follow or not, that I’m rushing through things.
10,XX. XX. XX
I got up determined to slow down and take it easy today. Within two minutes, I had four things in my hands from three different jobs I was trying to do. I was hurrying; there was a feeling of hurry and agitation inside me.
2,00.23.00
Sitting at lunch was impossible, I as too restless. Two or three times I got up and walked around the kitchen and sat down again. There was restlessness inside driving me.
I went for a bath and read every word in the newspaper, and I sat still whilst doing this. Then I put the paper down and immediately the restlessness returned and I felt overheated at the same time.
I suddenly leaped out, needing to move. I never did wash. I sat on the bed drinking a hot drink and just as suddenly I seemed to calm down. I felt a tingling feeling in my upper lip and upper palate, lasting a few minutes. Quite soon, it ascended to my vertex and seemed to pass out the top of my head altogether.
Then I was calm again and able to lie on the bed for about an hour with my wife talking to me. When I had nothing to do, the agitation returned — it was impossible to lie and do nothing.
2,01.02.30
PAGE 56
I had a feeling in a meeting that it was going to slowly, that people were wandering off the point and going on too much, but felt unable to hurry it on. I kept on thinking : «god, if only this meeting were over». I wanted these people to leave my flat.
10,04.07. XX
Calmness
I am still like a tree in winter — a skeleton of my former self. I stand and watch the world, so slow I can almost live forever. I feel stripped naked before the world. It is exactly two weeks since the start of the proving. I feel full of love again. I thank the heavens for this experience. Again I yawned and stretched, this time I laughed.
11,14. XX. XX
Not upset when her father said she looked older in photos she sent him. Generally less touched by people emotionally.
19,06.06.30
I felt energetic but calm.
4,00.10.00
I didn’t get angry when one of the children woke me up.
15,00.01.00
I felt untroubled about my husband being late from work — just got on with my business.
15,00.03.00
I feel very much in touch with myself. Relaxed and calm state.
15,00.16.00
I don’t feel as time-conscious as usual; I feel I’ve lots of time and am less concerned about appointments, deadlines.
10,02. XX. XX
PAGE 57
Kept awake by a party in next flat, but surprised how calm I felt in acceptance of the situation, instead of anger/frustration.
10,11. XX. XX
I’ve really been able to relax today. Breakfast took an hour. In between all this relaxedness, I had outbursts of hurried industriousness.
9,00.10. XX
Really well. Well, calm, collected, positive.
8,01. XX. XX
Calmness : usually I’m rushing around at this time, washing up — not sitting around and reading.
5,00.19. XX
I felt quite peaceful, and calmer, My senses and feelings were more acute; I felt sexually aroused.
12,00.00. XX
Mind intellect
Forgetfull/absent minded
I keep mislaying things — I put them down and can’t find them.
7,50. XX. XX
Realised I had forgotten to take my car in for a service. I had to concentrate more during a consultation with a patient.
6,01.00.57
Complete brain defunction — memory bad, I keep going somewhere and forgetting what I’d gone there for. I am writing and spelling words wrongly; I had to write a cheque out and wrote the wrong amount twice, on two separate cheques.
6,19. XX. XX
Very absentminded. MY flatmate gave me £2 that she owed me; I put it in my pocket and then wondered where the coins had come from. I thought I had left them in there a long time ago. Then I put them in my wallet and couldn’t remember this either.
22,19. XX. XX
PAGE 58
I took my youngest son to the homoeopath, but left my notes behind and took another piece of paper by mistake.
13,14. XX. XX
I forget the names of students.
10,06. XX. XX
In the middle of teaching in the afternoon, my memory went completely and I couldn’t remember what I had said or what I was going to say, and I had to ask the students to prompt me.
10,14. XX. XX
Cooking tea for children, I peeled potatoes when I had already prepared rice.
13,19. XX. XX
I was thick-headed; kept forgetting what I wanted to say just before I said it.
22,15. XX. XX
Definite calmness and slightly forgetful, not doing things in sequence; I had to come home and go out again, no hassle though because I am totally calm.
5,01.07. XX
Mistakes
Whilst teaching, I felt a slight verbal dyslexia; I kept getting words mixed up — would say one thing but mean another.
10,06. XX. XX
I am finding it difficult to put into words what I want to communicated to others. Stumbling over words; my mind is going blank in middle of conversations.
6,42. XX. XX
PAGE 59
I am not completing my sentences, as if I’ve lost a cog in my brain somehow. Say ‘washing’ for ‘shopping’. Also, I couldn’t get the words out. Wanted clementines in market, but couldn’t think of name for them.
13,01.03. XX
I make mistakes, saying «light» instead of «heat».
11,XX. XX. XX
I went to the wrong drawer to get my underwear. I went to get toothpaste from the wrong cupboard.
15,00.02.00
I cut my thumb and got blood everywhere, and felt like a slob.
10,06. XX. XX
I went to the wrong place of work in the morning.
10,34. XX. XX
Confusion
Today I have not been able to concentrate on anything. Three times today I have been in between two jobs; there’s a commentary going on in my head, thinking about each task that I am doing. Then the commentary grinds to a halt, a process of losing my position in it all. My wife finds me holding my head between both hands, at a point where my thoughts had whirled to confusion and my head was full to bursting.
2,13. XX. XX
When I was in class today, I started to feel really strange — weird sensations, as though I was on LSD. On the train home, I was talking to someone and I couldn’t understand what I was saying; I didn’t really know where I was. I was going through the motions of making polite conversation, but my mind was somewhere else; These symptoms were ameliorated by wandering around the streets alone and worse when I had to concentrate.
12,01.12. XX
I feel slow mentally.
13,00.01.30
PAGE 60
Concentration very limited. I could only read for 5-10 minutes.
6,00.03.37
In the last few days, the gap between my thoughts and actions has grown much longer — delayed reaction, e.g. between thinking of doing something or performing a task, like going to put the clothes in the washing machine, and actually doing it.
11,07. XX. XX
A friend said I seemed very foggy and distracted.
6,01.02.47
Moving house day. I’m feeling high in energy but in a forced way, I’m really in grey fuzz deep down. My kids are sick, husband sick, everything is complete chaos.
4,40. XX. XX
At college, I feel a slowness of thought, heaviness mentally. I am taking a long time to understand things, which leads to confusion. Dull, heavy, confused, lack of clarity.
6,17. XX. XX
I hear the words «frost tomorrow» on the weather forecast and am unsure of the meaning of the words. Is it solid ground and whiteness?
11,XX. XX. XX
I felt unable to concentrate or to form a conversation and dialogue — not all the time, but I needed some mental effort to concentrate.
10,02. XX. XX
Whilst talking to my supervisor, I was getting my left and right sides confused.
10,16. XX. XX
I’m very confused. I’m all over the place and less in control of myself feeling spaced out.
12,00.21.30
PAGE 61
General sensations
I feel a space above my forehead, aching slightly.
2,00.00.10
I have the sensation as if my septum was divided and there was a hole in my face from my mouth to my brow, followed by a burning sensation on my upper lip and behind my nose;
11,XX. XX. XX
Sensation as if my head is very enclosed. Brain feels hot.
11,03.08.52
Tingling tip of nose, with the sensation as if it was tuning back in on itself (like an elephant’s dimpled trunk).
11,XX. XX. XX
I felt a tingling feeling in my upper lip and upper palate, lasting a few minutes. Quite soon it ascended to my vertex and seemed to pass out the top of my head.
2,01.02.30
Dizziness when walking to town, felt as though I was veering over to the left but I wasn’t.
6,10. XX. XX.
Sensation as if a layer of dust was around me, like an invisible coat made of fawn dust. Sometimes the coat is like a circle around me but with a dark centre.
18,02. XX. XX
Still feeling this dust coat around me and a bubbling sensation.
18,02. XX. XX
In the shower, I am very aware of my short hair and skull, and of the soles of my feet, which have a velvety feeling.
14,00.02.00
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Lying on my right side, listening, I felt movement on the skin over my ribs as if fur or hair on my skin touched — a rippling movement.
11,01.01.15
Impression that I have a luxuriant, soft growth of beard on my face and chin, like a woman’s pubic hair, although I am clean-shaven. I enjoy the imaginary sensation of stroking it. This was present for many days.
22,17. XX. XX
Tongue right hand side edge — sensation as if piece of fluff on it. On observation, red patch half a centimetre in diameter. Looks like a superficial burn — not painful.
6,04. XX. XX
I could see sound waves from speakers. I feel them in my head like a bat, especially in the bones of my face. My fine capillaries feel delicate. I feel I have echo location like a bat.
11,XX. XX. XX
Sensation as if bleeding from vagina, nose and inner ear.
11,XX. XX. XX
The underpart of my right forearm is vibrating and it feels as if a weak electrical current is running through it.
14,00.00.09
Deep, deep pain in thighs and hips as if I have been walking for years. I feel toxic — ankles slightly oedematous. The soles of my feet, especially the heels, blistered as if badly burned. Fluid in blisters on heels. Have to tread lightly, feet sore. Perhaps I am the wrong way up.
11,XX. XX. XX
Sore sports on my heels from walking. Worse left heel, it feels burnt or rubbed sore. I kicked my shoes off and had my heels down on the cold floor. Burning on the outside feels like a friction burn, tingling and burning right underneath.
2,09. XX. XX
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Dreams
Doubleness
All my dreams occurred twice. What I mean by this, is that at some stage during the night I would have a dream, but then later in the night, usually just before I was about to wake up, I would have exactly the same dream again with a few variations. This meant that throughout the second dream I always knew what was going to happen next, or at least things were going as they should do because I knew what was about to happen.
9,00.12. XX
My mother and I were going somewhere. The routine should have been that we would go to the airport late, have a long shower and get a train to the plane. I knew this was what should have happened because it was what happened earlier that night during the dream. It was all very leisurely and relaxed. The showers were in a large room with glass windows and everyone could see in. There were many people watching.
The I got dressed and went up to the rain which took me to the plane. And it tool me to a place where I was in a competition. It was a severe competition between this guy and me — he was slower, fatter and rounder. It was a competition to be the first to find the secret stone or rock, which was in a large public statue. To get there, we had to go over bared-wire fences and then leap up onto the statue. I had seen it from above in the precious dream, so I knew exactly where on the statue I was to find the secret stone. The last time, then, I had known where the stone was and so I went for it after leaping up onto the statue. But it wasn’t there — it wasn’t where it should have been.
I became frantic and started grabbing anything I possibly could. Then I put my hand on a white, prickly stone which had a cross in the end of it. That was the end of the competition and I knew I had won. The stone looked like a ball, with a cross planted on the bottom end of the ball.
Then I was flying again, I went to Australia. I thought, why am I doing all this travelling, it’s such a long way? I don’t know why I was there but I was with a family in the suburbs. I bad to wait for a long time before flying away. It wasn’t midnight that the plane was supposed to go, so I drove around the beaches. I watched all the ‘happy’ people, with their homes and their cars and their mowed suburban lawns wearing stupid clothes like frilled bathing suits. It was as if a whole bunch of people from the north of England were living in Sydney. It was ridiculous.
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Then, I was at my parent’s house. I was waiting to get back to the airport and to the showers. My mother was late and there was a big, black BMW wanting to go. In fat, it almost went into the hedge.
My aunt arrived, I wanted to drive because I knew that I had only eight minutes to get there. I got in the ear, then realised that I couldn’t drive from the front seat because you could only drive from the back and that my aunt was driving. I watched the clock tick over. We finally got there, then I was in the showers and I knew I was late and couldn’t go. I felt very frustrated. IN the last part of this dream, I was watching a man who claimed to be a policeman stabbing someone with a pickaxe over and over. He was in the doorway of a bank and i was across the street in a different place. He saw me and started to come over for me, I knew he was going to get met. I only dreamt this final part of the dream once.
9,01. XX. XX
I was the observer in a James Bond-type story. I was trying to escape from a complex of buildings. Sometimes I was in the body of this person, and sometimes I was the observer. Escaping involved walking down thin planks and avoiding people chasing me/him. Feelings of excitement and fear, like an exciting film. Feeling on edge, butterflies in stomach — were we going to make it or were they? Vague memory of him escaping and her getting caught — I was the observer at the end. The girl was a bit slower and got caught.
6,01.22. XX
Reverse dream. I was travelling with friends and my brother through Rome in a big estate car — my brother and I in the boot, looking out of the back window. The surroundings didn’t bear a strict resemblance to Rome. I was pointing out the sites to my brother as we drove through.
Before this episode, I was walking with the same three people to the square where we had parked the ear. But it wasn’t where we had parked it. Then the employees of the bus network in Rome explained that it had been towed away because it was blocking a bus-stop, and one of them pointed out a number of signs that showed that cars parked on that spot would be towed away.
22,11. XX. XX
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Horrific nightmare, I was aware that I was mad. I woke at 5a.m. with my daughter crying, having had the same dream/nightmare but from a different point of view :
I was trying to murder someone with a poison flask; they bit the end off and died. She dreamt I was trying to poison her. I was aware that I was dangerous and about to harm someone. I was screaming for help to take away all the knives. I attacked someone up against a wall, literally up in the air, and dragged my long sharp nails (I don’t have them) down both sides of his face, drawing blood. Later on I was distributing grey powder as food and putting fuel into a stove, some of it black coal, some of it white. (See also Postscripts and Anecdotes).
4,23. XX. XX
Dreamt I was setting my Burberry scarf on fire. I was wearing 2 scarves around my neck to keep warm.
4,39. XX. XX
I dreamt I was travelling with a shaman. He was hugging me and we were both wearing the same red socks. I felt how much I loved him.
11,23. XX. XX
I dreamt my osteopath was treating twin baby girls both on the table at once.
4,45. XX. XX
Dreamt I went to the chiropractor There was a confusion over the appointments. I felt confused.
6,10. XX. XX
I dreamt I was having a relationship with JS’s brother, and that this situation was perfectly acceptable to everyone. JS was involved too. There were so many likenesses between them, they looked very similar. It wasn’t sexual relationship — I was like a sister to him. I felt some guilt and confusion when I though about my
relationship with JS. Confusion — were they really the same person, and was I having a relationship?
6,24. XX. XX
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I dreamt of an Earthy Trinity : there separate women or one with three faces.
11,XX. XX. XX
Dreamt I was proof-reading, comparing one set of proofs with another.
22,11. XX. XX
Groups and happiness
I dreamt I was standing by a table, with people who hadn’t started the proving laughing at me — the «biggest laugh you ever had». A man wanted a dose but I said, your turn will be next year, wait.
There were two large circles of dancing women all in red, circling anti-clockwise with slogs on their feet. X was trying to get me to sit in a deckchair that I thought would collapse.
11,01. XX. XX
I was driving a buggy around people, in a festive mood. I was very fast and agile on it, driving up and down stairs, through doorways, across bridges. An old girlfriend was following me in a similar vehicle, but she seemed to have a hard time keeping up. I went down into a big, vaulted cellar, where a man was practising the piano. I forgot about the girl and listened to the music. When I remembered her, she was gone. That’s what always happens to me — I get involved somewhere else and miss out. I looked for her everywhere, regretfully.
14,00.16. XX
Funny dream — people larger than life were sticking heads and legs sideways through cars like bananas.
4,10. XX. XX
I was in a car rally — cycled there, while my husband travelled in our old Austin 7. There were loads of balloons, I had a red balloon which had a life of its own, so that I had to hold onto it under my jumper. I was trying to park the car for my husband when I saw a big white limousine with black calibrations marked on the side, as if it was a target or designed to be crashed. It had an orange, round spare wheel cover and propeller on the back and an orange nose, like a clown’s car, and the man inside waved and smiled at me. I thought, it is going to crash but he doesn’t know. I was given extra good tickets on thicker card at a special price, two for the price of one. Saw a baby, assumed it was my sister’s but then it wasn’t.
4,34. XX. XX
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Carnival dream — my brother, dressed as a girl, was being carried out in a box like a coffin and then sitting up to surprise everyone. He is fat so it was funny. I was with my sister and lots of kids. We passed an amazing high-arched rock like a bone, where a man did a perfect swallow dive into the blue clear water.
4,35. XX. XX
I had a beautiful, joyous dream about a cousin of mine who committed suicide 4 months ago. There was a lovely party atmosphere, everyone was laughing — he looked so well and I felt very protective of him. At the time he died, I remember thinking that someone so sensitive couldn’t live in this world, and I was very sad when he jumped from a window. In the dream I was able to say goodbye; I knew that he was happy and it was all OK, I was seeing him as he was It was strange, because I hadn’t thought about him for weeks and I hadn’t been able to remember any dreams.
12,13. XX. XX
I dreamt I was at a party, with everyone sitting around eating, when a friend arrived with her three sons who had ape-like heads, the youngest with a banana sticking out of his mouth. She was not with her partner but with a different guy and I wondered whether she had terminated her pregnancy and he had left.
11,3. XX. XX
A positive, optimistic dream about a friend’s partner : he was expressing devotion to his children through singing/songwriting. He is typically abusive to his kids.
8,06.22. XX
I was in a German class with old friends. We were being taught by my old French teacher at school. Everyone else in the class was really good, having lived and worked in Germany. My German was pretty bad and I was explaining why — I stopped speaking it to my (German) mother when I was four and started going to school in England.
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Everyone in the class had been on an archaeological dig together — one we go to every year — and they were all my good friends, whom I felt so glad to be with. I felt very good-natured, but a bit annoyed at having to explain why my German was so bad. One had been boiling up some blackberry and elderberry syrup to make into jam, like my Mum used to. Finally she put lots of milk in it and boiled it all up. Then everyone else said they were going off to make a presentation about the dig — we were staying in some kind of international holiday camp — and they urged me to come too. But I felt shy and awkward and said I’d stay behind for a while talking to the director of the dig, who seemed to have taken the place of the teacher. She was standing behind me and stroking my hair, which was long and full (in real like I’m quite bald), while I was rocking back on the rear legs of my chair. I felt a bit awkward justifying myself to this very dominant, clever woman.
22,04. XX. XX
Sex
Sexual dream of feeling a vulva with bristly pubic hair; there is no face or identify to the woman. Wake up without feeling sexual.
14,01.16. XX
I was at a get-together in the park with one of my ex-girlfriend’s friends and several of her friends from university. I was having sex standing up and moving around with one of the women in front of all the others. It was like a game, and the others called out advice.
22,05. XX. XX
I dreamt that I snagged my boss at an after-work party. E were looking out of the window of a club or bar onto a harbour immediately below, where a couple of boys in lifejackets were practising capsize drill in their boat, several times and very daringly in he freezing water. I wanted to go dancing with her, get physical, but she said she couldn’t, she was holding back. My ex-girlfriend was looking on jealousy.
22,13. XX. XX
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I was giving oral sex to a slim foreign girl, in a room that resembled my sister’s in the house where I grew up and where my parents still live. This went on for quite a time, and it was exciting, like one’s first sexual encounters.
22,06. XX. XX
I was in a large courtyard with a friend. I started cuddling her from behind. She was telling me about Sri Lanka. I felt a feeling of love and excitement at cuddling this girl I had fancied for so long — yet not of complete abandon, of total love, as I knew she was firmly involved with someone else.
22,06. XX. XX
I dreamt I was in some kind of holiday camp, although it was spread out over a large area, with lots of green open areas in between. I was swimming in a shallow pond that had a current swirling round it, so I glided past the old tree stumps and mud banks. I was a bit worried about catching my feet on the bottom. I was by myself but later, girls from the office where I work came along and were sunbathing near the pond.
There were also some female friends I’d met on holiday there, and I felt sexually attracted to them. The atmosphere was nice and relaxed, like on holiday. I must have had a sexual encounter with one or more of the girls, because this was a wet dream.
22,04. XX. XX
I was on a beach with J. We were on holiday, and her new man saw us having sex. WE were all on a huge bed, floating on the sea towards an island. I was in France, going up and down a huge hill. It was very dusty and the road wound up and down a large hill. I was feeling very unconfident. Eventually I got to the bottom of the hill and came into a village where a man was playing an accordion. I found a friend of mine there, but I was feeling so unconfident that I had to ask her to order me coffee.
6,04. XX. XX
I dreamt that a group of homoeopathic students, including my supervisor in the proving, were in the front room of someone’s house. Someone in the group said all the men there were
gay. I was very surprised and said I was sure my supervisor wasn’t. Then I thought in the dream, what’s the big deal anyway even if they are all gay?
6,11. XX. XX
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I dreamt of sharing a flat with my brother and sister, with a black curtain room divide. My sister was promiscuous and I was deeply ashamed.
4,19. XX. XX
Strange dreams, mostly of ex-boyfriend, left me feeling upset.
3,09. XX. XX
Horrible dream of my dad trying to seduce me.
3,15. XX. XX
I felt so emotionally hurt in my dream. There was an intense pain in my heart and I woke up sobbing. I couldn’t express it in my dream. MY father was the cause. It was like someone was pulling my heart out. It should have been a revelation to me. It felt like the most emotional pain I had ever been in. It felt like I had contacted this hurt within me and that what had caused it as the cause of all the problems I had ever had with men (i. ee being abused).
6,28. XX. XX
I went to Oxford to look for a chiropractor — I had an appointment I cuddled an abused child : someone had carved names in her skin. I awoke with a great feeling of tension in the solar plexus.
6,37. XX. XX
The mood was dark and heavy and everyone was «on the streets». I was working with street kids to rescue them, and the actresses Joanna Lumley and Joan Collins were colleagues working as prostitutes. They looked about ten year younger than they are. I rescued a boy of about 8 who then sexually abused me. I received no sympathy from friends, they said :’What did you expect?’
8,01/23/15
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I dreamt of a ship voyage with sexual abuse survivors. There were lots of problems with the plumbing leaking, with makeshift bottles lashed together under the sink.
4,01. XX. XX
I dreamt that when I went to my therapist for a session there was already another therapist with a client and a couple making love in a bed in the same room. My therapist said : «Don’t worry, they’ll be finished in a minute’.
8,12.22. XX
I dreamt I was in a shop, trying to avoid a man, having just met a different man who was very attracted to me and we had parted very good friends. I felt attraction and repulsion. I picked up a tub of tulips without flowers to try and avoid him, going down a different aisle. The first man had done half his shopping and when I went to find him the shop had turned into an airport and I drove out over runways. The man I was avoiding was getting married that day, fortunately to another woman. She was there finding hi cologne — she was a lesbian and she said this was what her partner would like.
11,23. XX. XX
I was a lesbian but it was alright as I found it was to be kept a secret from someone. The weight of another body felt good at a party, the person from whom the secret had to be kept.
I dreamt I met a friend I had not seen for half my life. She was doing eurhythmy, dressed in violet and green. Running across a huge space, I had a large black dog with me. I felt I was a woman, and wondered whether I would recognize her? I greeted her passionately in front of many people in a large open space, very light with glass windows all around. We kissed and it felt good; I was reassured that it would be good with the man I was thinking about.
Then a very sensual dream — very good memories, understanding and learning from the past.
11,23. XX. XX
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I was at a party with lots of people. I was planning my birthday party for the next day, no boyfriend to invite, and I had to leave to prepare for it. I left with others. A man, who arrived late because he’d been playing in a band, walked alongside me. I mentioned my birthday and said there was no reason why he should have known. We got on OK. He came up to my room on the 3rd floor, up two flights of stairs. I shared this room with another female who was very untidy. The man and I kissed, he pulled me down onto the bed, we carried on kissing. Then I was aware of another man at the had of the bed; more people appeared.
13,XX. XX. XX
I dreamt of a family who are close friends with mine; the father and mother are about the same age as my parents and they have a son and daughter about the same age as me and my brother and sister. The dream focused mainly on the children. David, the son (who s rather effeminate and may be gay) had died. A strange young man had insinuated himself into the affections of the remaining son and daughter (though in real life there is only one son in the family). He was affectionately intimate with both of them, hugging close to both of them at the same time. He had long dark hair and looked sexually ambiguous. He was referred to by someone in the dream as being bisexual, ‘but not actually of the third sex’. Though David had died, there didn’t seem to be any very strong grief in the family, perhaps because this strange young man was there helping the others in their grieving process by his presence and acts of closeness.
22,00.00.00 (Just before taking proving remedy.)
I dreamt I was talking to a man from my office about something. He is gay, very prissy and precise. I realised there was a resemblance between him and the college tutor I dreamt about yesterday. We were talking about some neutral subject, but in the back of my mind I was aware of his being gay. There was a feeling of hidden homosexuality, and I felt uncomfortable around him.
22,08. XX. XX
In this dream I was on a motorbike, joyriding through a city. It was all made of concrete, and with a lot of other people. I couldn’t ( find my tickets. I felt frustrated and stupid.
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I said these exact words in the dream : «I can handle people who want to go out dancing. I can handle men who want to go out womanising. I can handle women who want to go out men-ising, but there’s one thing I can’t abide — art dealers».
3,03. XX. XX
I dreamt of a very languid and effete young man, who was myself. He as on a weekend trip away with his fellow Dynamis students (all of them were female), but felt and was acting very separate from them. He didn’t know whether to go to the disco or to go out and play football. He was obsessed with his appearance in a languid sort of way, and kept preening himself in the mirror. I woke with a sort of warm, sweet, orange feeling. The theme music to this dream, going through my head on waking, was : ‘We Are Family’ by Sister Sledge — ‘I’ve got all my sisters with me’.
22,00.19.30
As everyone was coming out after the performance, I met some people I knew — a woman from work and a man I vaguely know. They told me that one of the actors in the play was a mutual acquaintance of mine and of this man. I was pleased because it was someone I actually knew — an Englishman, not a foreigner.
Then all three of us went to see the performance again, and this time O felt much more positive and excited. The woman from work started to seduce her companion with wonderfully articulate lines, to which he responded in equally witty and to-the-point words. They had soon aroused each other to the point where they went out of the theatre to make love in the grass. At this point, I became the man who was talking to and then making love to the girl. My pens was very large, about a foot and a half, and the head was chunky and cloven like the devil’s foot. It was a very exciting feeling, both physically and verbally. I’ve fancied this woman from work for ages. I woke while we were making love without coming.
22,01.18. XX
I dreamt that I had an erection, and my penis was about 9 inches long.
22,11. XX. XX
I moved to this dream by first walking across the holiday camp (playing fields and open areas) and then catching a bus. I was in a foreign country — Germany. While I was walking across the playing fields, I went past a building where a girl of about 17 had come to talk to two women who were staff at the holiday camp. She had come to exchange a used condom for a new one. It looked as though the two women were recycling the condoms — there were rows of them rolled up and pegged to clothes line. The woman to whom the girl spoke was cross with her and threatened to grind the condom up because she thought the girl was too young to have sex, but you could see behind her crossness she was jealous of her. Then I came to the perimeter of the holiday camp and travelled on a bus to dream 3. I had to be careful to get on the right bus and make sure that I had franked my ticket properly.
22,44. XX. XX
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Death
I had a beautiful, joyous dream about a cousin of mine who committed suicide 4 months ago. There was a lovely party atmosphere, everyone was laughing — he looked so well and I felt very protective of him. At the time he died, I remember thinking that someone so sensitive couldn’t live in this world, and I was very sad when he jumped from a window. In the dream I was able to say goodbye; I knew that he was happy and it was all OK, I was seeing him as he was. It was strange, because I hadn’t thought about him for weeks and I hadn’t been able to remember any dreams.
12,13. XX. XX
I had a vision of the destruction of thousands by the atom bomb. I was struck with fear and cried out, but no sound came.
22,00.00.00 (Just before taking proving remedy.)
I was talking with two people from the office about the fact that a huge comet the size of the moon was travelling through space and had been deflected by the sun’s gravitational field, so that it was hurting towards the Earth and would perhaps crash into it and destroy it. One of s said that they might have to try and blow the comet up before it hit the Earth.
22,08. XX. XX
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I dreamt of my father’s death (twenty years ago from cancer) in a different way from ever before. My husband was complaining that my dad never gave him anything and i was uncharacteristically very angry, saying that my husband had never bought him anything. I woke crying, but they were just dry sobs.
4,07. XX. XX
I dreamt of my father’s death and felt that my emerging sexuality was to blame.
11,23. XX. XX
I dreamt I was walking by a stream with ducks on the weed. The bank was full of polished gems and stones in groups. I picked one up and said : «What is this?» but nobody else saw them, they just said : «Colours». I put my head under the left side o my cardigan and retreated. I walked through the water of the river, entered it barefoot and came out with sandals on. When I woke I realised that the river was flowing away from the sea rather than into it.
11,23. XX. XX
Dream of a huge underground cavity where there was a double-bodied bat with three wings. I was crossing a stream to revive the dead.
11,XX. XX. XX
I dreamt I was in the underworld coming to the water’s edge, but there was no ferryman so I waded safely across. There was a large dog with multiple heads, but I must have been invisible and scentless because it didn’t notice me.
11,23. XX. XX
I started to dream lucidly and saw a Wild West town with dirt roads but lots of ordinary people in modern brightly coloured clothes walking about their business. I could see every detail of their appearance as if it was reality, and was amazed. Then some other characters appeared — black males with large lemurian heads, protruding foreheads and chins. «Who are you?» I asked one. «We are the dead people», he replied. I started to feel anxious as I realised I was looking into the other side. I tried to sit up in bed and struggled, trying to reach out to my wife for help. I was sitting up and could see the bedroom but in my astral body, and realised I am almost out of my body, half in, half out, a bit paralysed. My etheric arm tried to wake my wife but I knew it was not my physical arm. I got anxious again, feeling stuck and afraid I wouldn’t go back into my body. Then I looked up and saw a dome, with a bright light coming through the centre. I was comforted and relieved by the light, and eventually lay back into my body and awoke. For me, this was again a confrontation with death. I felt good after waking, as if something had cleared.
18,XX. XX. XX
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Alienation
Dreamt that I was a member of a foreign delegation in Moscow. The streets were full of thugs with Mongolian features, wearing short, sleeveless T-shirts and with tattoos all over their shaved head. There was tension and violence in the air. I was aware of being a stranger with a wallet and credit cards. When I checked them, they were gone and I panicked. Everybody became even more alien and hostile, I didn’t know where I was, I had to go back to the Kremlin.
I asked two policemen for help, but they looked like crooks themselves — instead of helping, they started questioning me. Nobody cared, everyone was out to get the others — it was incredibly tough out there. There were no laws and no rules. I woke up in a state of despair.
14,05.16. XX
I had gone to be treated by JS, because my mental state was deteriorating. He had given me one remedy without effect and I had come back a month later for the follow-up, hoping that this time he’d get it right. While I was getting ready to see him, I went to the toilet. To get there, I had to go past an Asiatic or Filipino-looking concierge, an evil-looking woman in her 40s or 50s, and then on through a small room that was set up for an exhibition, although there was no-one there.
I went to pee in a room that had several mirrors on the walls and, as I washed my hands, I looked in the mirror above the sink and instead of seeing my face saw that of the concierge. I turned round to look in another mirror, to check that it wasn’t because she was there, and again I saw her face instead of mine. I was struck with great terror and anguish and screamed loudly, thereby waking up. I woke sweating.
22,11. XX. XX
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Dreamt I was in a place like a warren with lots of people that I didn’t really know. I wanted to be with people and kept having to go and find them.
3,01. XX. XX
I was a spy in America, in a house with a number of other women — a very modern place. Feelings of isolation and being alone in the world. I wasn’t imprisoned, I knew I was a spy and I was doing something that no-one else had to know about. Feelings of isolation because I couldn’t discuss it with anyone.
6,4. XX. XX
A group of elderly people, who were strangers to me, were contemplating death. I seemed to be supporting or leading the group. There was a general feeling of support as they were thinking of death. My Alsatian dog came and sat under my chair. I felt good about my dream. I was thinking, why am I here?
6,12. XX. XX
I dreamt that I had an argument with the owner of the clinic where I work. I told her I was never invited over to share meals with the other therapists, and so I didn’t feel involved. I felt alone and very isolated from everyone.
I was on a boat on the river. I moored and left it.
My family went out. I saw an old friend, or rather someone that looked like her. There was an accident and the people from the clinic fell into the water.
6,26. XX. XX
I was watching some Pakistanis kicking a football around on a dilapidated playing field by the woods. There were three or four girls and a bloke. They were quite good at it, laughing and joking. I was watching from outside the fence. The bloke and another girl were also outside the fence, behind the goal, and whenever the ball deflected off the cross bar and shot out of the pitch, they would kick it back.
22,10. XX. XX
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Dream of visiting the Pope. I was not interested in him or famous Indian homoeopath. I took two hot-water bottles for spare. I could tell people from behind by the shapes/patterns on their blankets, like codes, worn on their backs. I couldn’t find the right place to sit to be near a friend; I went to the edge of the auditorium to be away from artificial light. I wanted to hear JS and shaman, looking for their blankets. Someone asked me : «What is the reason you are all on — ?» I anted to say, but it was a secret. JS said : «Say something quickly». I said : ‘It’s job to expand». On waking, the thought came : «Remember the eagle».
11,23. XX. XX
Not such good dreams — struggling to get to where I wanted and feeling on he edge/not fitting in.
3,05. XX. XX
There was a garden party in the road where my parents live, a few houses along from ours. It was at a new house that had been squeezed in between the older ones, and belonged to Asians. All the people at the party were Asian. I went into the garden and just walked around, observing the people. I felt very alone — no-one paid any attention to me, as though I was invisible. The people there were foreigners doing foreign things, in the road where I grew up.
22,01.18. XX
Family
I was drinking and playing football against a woman inside a building. Having a dream of my parent again — I dream I’ve seen them for the first time in ages, they’re both very sun-tanned.
3,11. XX. XX
There was a gathering of my family — my parents, brother and sister and their partners — in a house that was like the one where we holidayed once 25 years ago. The interior was like from 50 or 100 years ago — completely unmodernised. Everyone was arriving at different times, but my brother’s girlfriend didn’t arrive and sent a male friend along instead. Mum and Dad were disappointed. I didn’t recognize my partner. Everyone seemed very distant from me, which was puzzling.
22,08. XX. XX
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I was travelling through a town in a car with my parents — I was in the back seat, looking out. It reminded me of going on holiday to France with them.
22,12. XX. XX
I dreamt I was in bed with my husband, and I woke up and sensed an intruder in the house. I could hear footsteps on the creaking floorboards. When he opened the door, three lights were full on and the daughter of a friend I have grown apart from was talking to my 12-year-old daughter. I wondered how she had got in and why. Then I discovered that my husband had organized it and she was going on holiday with us. I felt no emotional reaction to it, I just wondered why it had all been organized without me knowing.
5,00.22. XX
Fighting
A violent dream, where I saw my ex-girlfriend and was beating my current girlfriend up severely.
7,23. XX. XX
There were lots of horses. I was fighting with my parents. We were all in the bath. Then I as fighting with a man I used to play cricket with in New Zealand years a go. We were arguing over a banana split.
3,06. XX. XX
Flying
I dreamt I was flying over hills and woods and up a swollen river that rushed down with incredible force. There was a young girl sitting on my legs, the way one sits on a swing. When we leant back we gained speed, flying over the treetops and up the river — a feeling of pure joy and elation. The girl asked me what I did and I told her I was a hairdresser and teacher. I felt embarrassed that I was a hairdresser and felt I had to explain. She became irritated by my embarrassment and all the joy and fun went away. I longed for her to feel this way again and felt I was back in my head, making things complicated by having to explain.
14,15. XX. XX
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Dream : I was on a beach with my partner, we started flying. I saw my brother on the sand below and kicked off my slippers as I shouted at him. He ran and pointed us out to other people on a balcony.
We reached our destination, which was never-never land. I lost the ability to fly. My partner reassured me that if I had faith I could fly again and I did. The main feeling was a loving, beautiful feeling in the heart which I woke with. There was a sense of superiority over my brother, who I feel I have a power struggle with.
7,10.12. XX
I was flying into a hall, looking for someone. It was full of people dressed in white. At first I was worried about flying as I didn’t have underpants on. It was winter and I was wearing a flimsy dress.
I flew to the stage at the end of the hall and leaned against the white wall. When I leaned against it, the whole half of a side collapsed under my weight, being only a stage-set made of polystyrene, and it collapsed onto the other people. I flew back and picked up a small girl and flew with her. Nobody noticed me, was I invisible?
Dream of oldest, memory, flying over many past lives.
Dream of swimming in the air.
11,23. XX. XX
Dream of masculine and feminine energies — intense.
Also dreamt I was flying on a pair of wings with a friend. We reversed back from a house, having discovered a friend had won £400 — excellent for them. We flew over tree tops, touched a signpost on the way down. I was very excited. Decide want to learn hot-air ballooning, find out where they teach it at Adult education classes. In the brochure icons used : diagram.
13,12. XX. XX
Heights and long things
Dreamt that I was on to of a cliff and had lost my head for heights, kept saying it’s because of the proving.
3,17. XX. XX
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I dreamt I was in a high building away from home, with my husband and two youngest children, and I felt dizzy at being at such a height.
6,12. XX. XX
I was in a building like a great big flat, high up in the middle of the country.
6,29. XX. XX
I was a circus performer watching an older trapeze artist high up, failing to hang on to the rail of the trapeze, which was of blue indented metal.
4,02. XX. XX
Within the dream I was an acrobat, so light, performing a sequence called «purple tumble» and smiling on waking up.
11,23. XX. XX
I went to a theatre in the countryside to see three sort plays in German by Bertholdt Brecht. It was a big circular building, with a circular stage and circular tiers of seating rising up around it. A large dark curtain ran right across both the seating and the stage, dividing them into two semi-circles. One half was the stage and seating for the spectators, the other half was the backstage area for the actors.
I was there because my mother, who is a teacher, was taking a large group of young German schoolgirls to see the plays, and I had simply gone along too. I knew my mother was there, but I didn’t see her or have any contact with any of this group. Everyone was talking German — the spectators and then the actors. I didn’t understand anything and everyone was a stranger to me. I felt extremely alone and sat high up by the curtain, where no-one else was. I felt so alone and cut off from everyone else. This feeling built up during the performance, until I was on the verge of tears. I think I did actually cry a bit. I just wanted to burst into floods of tears and have my mother comfort me as if I was a baby again.
22,01.18. XX
Dreamt of a giant ladder. I was at the top with a group of people in trouble, trying to get them down.
4,05. XX. XX
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Was making my way to a hotel called Wolverstone, but could not read the name on the list on the direction-board. I arrived and I was climbing up a spiral in a stone, double-helix staircase. I was going to meet my family. One of my buttons got caught on the newel posts and I had to ask a servant to help me. It was decrepit and dangerous. At one point in a side niche I saw the grave of Hahnemann, open with just his face and eyes showing and earth on his mouth like a moustache.
4,13. XX. XX
I was on the Isle of Raasay with a long pole made in sections for fishing, and it was broken down into sections to get it into the van. I left my clothes behind as I was returning there in a week.
11,23. XX. XX
I dreamt that I had an erection, and my penis was about 9 inches long.
22,11. XX. XX
My Dad and I were driving through the countryside in Herefordshire, where I once lived. It was very hilly. By the place names, I said that this must have been an important centre for Villanovan culture and wall painting. We were in search of my mother, who had gone somewhere to this area about 2 weeks previously. The dream ended with an indistinct scene in which it appeared that she lived up a very tall, very narrow, stone tower. I don’t think we found her, or established whether she was in this tower or even whether the lower actually existed. She had eluded us.
22,03.19. XX
I dreamt I was holding a rope for someone to skip with, the handle in my left hand, turning it strongly anti-clockwise so that the person on the other end kept jumping faster and faster. I was red-face, my head hanging in shame.
11,23. XX. XX
Dream fragment : Someone hanging upside down on top of a very steep cliff covered with snow. They hadn’t thought it very steep. I said, yes it is.
13,19. XX. XX
I dreamt of trying to climb a tunnel blocked by fresh snow.
4,18. XX. XX
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Animalis
I dreamt of a puppy with blood on it running across the road; a larger dog followed. I realised the larger dog had just given birth to it, and another bloody puppy too. There was traffic on the road and I feared they would get run over. A feeling of puzzlement — why are they running across the road if they have just been born?
6,00.01.52
Woke suddenly from a dream in which I heard a sudden loud clanking of large metal chain, maybe industrial. I was holding and stroking a rabbit and having to mind it we could talk to each other.
10,00.16. XX
Dreamt of a kitten-like animal suckling on my neck, left-hand side. In the dream I felt this was strange : «I’m human».
10,16. XX. XX
Then I dreamt there was animal getting into a drink in a cup.
11,23. XX. XX
I dreamt I was on a journey in charge of a dog and a cat which draped itself round my shoulders — I could feel it warm, dark and furry. I was trying to reach an island and I had to put them in my luggage on a motorbike. I was trying to protect them from being stolen by a villainous yob. Others on the same journey were being killed.
4,02. XX. XX
Violent dream : I was one of the baddies, one of a group of men with deep furry collars round their shoulders, deeper than Puritan collars, almost like Maori cloaks, in a oppressive regime. I was whipping enthusiastically at someone using an animal as a weapon, feeling the frenzy of victory, when the animal spoke on the point of death, saying : «Read me a story before I die» and I felt a terrible sense of guilt and shame and pity. The animal was like nothing I have ever seen, it was like a dragon/octopus with long legs, black and threatening. There was a wind whipping up waves until they fell over in the wind.
4,04. XX. XX
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I was on a beach with three others, the water as very clear. I went off by myself and found some water-dogs. They were half-dog, with a Lassie-like face, but the bottom half of them was fin and tail. I lashed out and tried to kick one.
3,09. XX. XX
I dreamt I was in the underworld coming to the water’s edge, but there was no ferryman so I waded safely across. There was a large dog with multiple heads but I must have been invisible and scentless because it didn’t notice me. There were human bodies with «creature» heads of animals and birds.
11,23. XX. XX
I dreamt I was in a walking competition in the West Coast of New Zealand, and it took place in an old dark house. There was a tournament of having to find things and throwing darts at very small targets. I kept missing. Someone started talking about the spiders, and I was nervous because they are supposed to be huge and everywhere.
Then I as by myself in a house. I was in a room and isolated from other people. All the doors were open, but I knew I was alone. In this dark room I suddenly felt something on my foot. I froze — I saw a dark shadow and started to dance up and down to get it away from me. The spider was chasing me, but it wasn’t even real, I never saw it, all I saw was thin movement that was dark and shadowy. The feeling was of fear.
3,19. XX. XX
I dreamt I was friends with the famous footballer Eric Cantona; he and I were playing hockey. We were playing on asphalt and were being watched by people out of a bar. They were on the inside, we were playing on the outside. We were speaking in French and laughing. Then I was being towed across shallow water — I was on my backside facing forward, being towed. I turned in a slow circle to the right as I was going forward. Underneath me were sleek figures in the water, seals and dolphins. They were very close. Then, suddenly, I was spun up onto land. The seals also jumped up and I walked away from them deliberately, trying not to notice them. I watched as they negotiated the traffic across the road. A penguin, which was walking beside them, jumped up very high. I began to follow my parents down another path
3,32. XX. XX
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I dreamt that my husband and my two youngest children were trying to get into a modern house, so that we could live in it, but it was infested with rats and mice. We were planning how to get in, and getting a bit desperate as it as getting dark. A policeman came along and was a bit suspicious, as we shouldn’t have been trying to get in. He thought we were harming the rats. He took us and the cats and dog, and we lost our favourite cat. I woke up in tears and was very upset. Feelings of disgust, insecurity and confusion.
6,25. XX. XX
Dream of 48 frogs jumping around. I was with my youngest daughter. I had to put them in a bowl and take them somewhere. I was anxious about the bottom ones getting squashed.
6,49. XX. XX
I and someone else were wrapping a couple of paintings in aluminium foil, as they were being transported. The other person pointed to one of the foil packets in which the paintings were wrapped, said there was a live crab in it, unwrapped it and showed me.
22,12. XX. XX
Desolate, I think I know where I’m going but don’t recognise it; I cross the street. I’m lost, hope I’ll find a short cut. Going around a house, I see open fields, fences, a woman playing a piano/organ out in the open, I go up to her. Meanwhile a cow in a lower field vaults over the fence I’m near — I crouch down, I’m OK. It turns around, looking unfriendly and beast-like, and heads back towards me. At last it leaps back over the fence — Phew!! I still haven’t found home though.
13,01. XX. XX
Dreamt of a snake with 4 baby snakes wriggling round its chest. Found it very disturbing when I awoke.
4,02. XX. XX
I dreamt I was a servant in an extended Arab seaside household, doing the cooking. There were several fridges, and a dispute over whose fridge was whose. General panic as everyone was ordered off the beach and I went out against the flow of people to see. The sea was black and boiling with curious waves that were like flames. They were throwing black, branching giant seaweed or a blackened tree out of the sea, it was difficult to judge the size of it. Then I saw as the waves parted near the edge a long giant black whale, possibly alive, possibly oil-covered or burnt. I felt sickened and terrified and woke with a feeling of terror that stayed with me most of the day.
4,11. XX. XX
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I dreamt I was with a group from the archaeological dig I go to every summer in a large, rectangular, wooden church. M, a Vietnamese-American girl, was particularly affected by a large colony of ants that lived under the twin sets of steps at the entrance to the church. Then we were by a wide, flowing river. I was excitedly watching the fish in the brown water. She was under a chestnut tree, moving around, doing something, telling me about how she planned to flood the inside of the steps where the ants lived and rid everyone of them.
I wasn’t really paying attention to her, as I had caught sight of a very large carp-like fish, that I though was probably full of spawn, swimming along the river, which now ran more slowly. I tried to draw her attention to it, but she was more interested in telling me about the ants. She asked my opinion of her plan, and I said I was in two minds because I was against the killing of any animal, even if it was a pest.
22,06. XX. XX
Health
I dreamt somebody or something had turned round some organ in my womb region. It was in the wrong place and needed turning round. They did it, and said : «That will be OK now». I didn’t remember when I woke up, but I went to the loo and thought : «Oh yes, that will be alright now», then I thought :»What am I talking about?» and remembered the dream. (cured symptom : stress incontinence).
5,04. XX. XX
In y dream, I looked down at my legs. They were mottled and grey, as though splashed in grey mud or clay. Ashy grey. (Recent symptoms — had this last week).
5,04. XX. XX
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I was in Regent’s Park, waiting to go into college. The surroundings were different — it was more wooded and there were hills. JS came and looked awful. I felt anxious about what the remedy had done to him. My daughter was there and I realised that she had had the remedy too, but that no-one had supervised her. She’s 12 years old but in my dream she was abut 5 and in a push-chair. I wasn’t allowed to take her in, and left her outside.
6,11. XX. XX
I was with the proving group in a school classroom. I particularly remembered one of the women lying forward on a desk. We were all going to have a bloodtest — something to do with the effect of the remedy.
6,13. XX. XX
Dream of a thyroid gland enlarging. I was observing my profile from a distance. When I woke up, I questioned whether I was looking in a mirror in my dream — but I couldn’t have been, as I was in profile. The thyroid was large, as though it was filled with water. I felt very anxious and concerned. I thought I had to cure it myself.
6,42. XX. XX
I dreamt I saw a tapeworm on the ground. I realised I had one and didn’t know how to get rid of it. Feeling of it being coiled inside — horrific. [Related to experience she had with a patient in hospital earlier in her life.] 6,45. XX. XX
Dreamt that my youngest daughter was in an operating theatre — she had to have blood drained from her. We were in a white room and the people were in white coats. There were two tubes, one went into an artery and the other into a vein. They kept taking samples form the artery, and having to be very careful because the blood kept spurting out. I felt squeamish. She was eventually allowed out of the operating theatre, but for some reason the tube in her artery was left hanging out of her arm and it reached right down to the floor. I was very concerned that she might trip over it and my husband was calm.
6,45. XX. XX
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I dreamt of my daughter, that she had two rows of teeth and was having one or both sets extracted. A friend was doing the operation and was pricking her arm to get the blood out, mixing it with hers on her thumb with a blunt instrument. My daughter as naked and wrapped in a blanket. I massaged her feet. There was glass in the side of her foot and finger tip, and I knew she would sleep for a thousand years.
11,23. XX. XX
Dreamt my sister and I erupted on our arms and legs with thousands of blue blood-blisters — they were appearing quicker than time, like time-lapse photography. I was deeply sad, we were both dying.
4,12. XX. XX
I dreamt of a red-headed man who opened his shirt to reveal a horrific wound on his hairy chest, bang in the middle. It was livid and red, radiating out in all directions, horrifying.
4,20. XX. XX
…I dream that I ran to help the woman who had disappeared and ran also together with Sam (an eighteen-year-old in my village). On the way, Sam told me he had an ‘adze’. In my dream, an adze is a boil on his front.
13,03. XX. XX
I dreamt that in my right big toe there was an empty sphere and that when I stood on tiptoe it exploded like and empty snail-shell. I awoke with the noise.
11,07. XX. XX
I dreamt of a man in a white coat (a scientist, doctor or dentist?) who came into our kitchen while I was on the phone and was putting vegetable waste into the bin not for compost. He kept wanting to look inside my mouth. On waking, the skin of my hard palate was thin and bleeding.
11,09. XX. XX
Then I dreamt that my period had started. Amazement at how long since I had had one — off all records of time.
11,12. XX. XX
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I was sitting round a table with my father and mother. My Dad was scratching my Mum’s back. They are both aged about 60, and I was aware of how my mother’s bare back showed her age. I was particularly aware of a raised mole on her back. I looked at her and wondered what her back had been like when she was a young girl.
I visualised her face from a photograph of her as a young girl. I wondered if her back had been cleaner and fresher then, what the mole had looked like when she was young. It was a sad domestic scene.
22,01.18. XX
I dreamt of a woman, middle-aged, not good-looking, with a backless dress and two large growths the size of golf-balls on her lower back. One was round and red, the other a sort of V-shape, like a double fan, and more yellowish. Then I dreamt I had a raised mole on my right shoulder that I hadn’t noticed before.
22,12. XX. XX
Then I dreamt there was animal hair getting into a drink in a cup.
11,23. XX. XX
Someone advised me that, as I was going bald, I should no grow my remaining hair long and comb it over the skull, as it looked awful. I wholeheartedly agreed.
22,02.19. XX
A friend was cutting my hair, cutting out the locks that were longer than others.
22,06. XX. XX
I dreamt that I had a shit and then wiped my anus only once or twice, as I was going to wash it in the bidet. But for some reason I couldn’t, so I had to pull my trousers up and go around dirty that day, which was very unpleasant.
22,08. XX. XX
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My sexual partner was in bed with me and wanted to lick my anus. When she got her head down there, she saw that there was a small fissure in it and that there was shit in this fissure.
22,12. XX. XX
I dreamt that I had an erection, and my penis was about 9 inches long.
22,11. XX. XX
Houses and household tasks
I was doing boring, repetitive household chores.
22,02.19. XX
I dreamt that I was the Chief Executive Officer of a large company in New York, with offices in a tall building. I made my executives spend some of their time each week doing cleaning chores around the office (I did some too) because it was good for them, gave them a sense of proportion and kept their egos in check. Needless to say, though I explained this to them, they hated it, but couldn’t do anything because I was the boss. After I finished talking to them, I went to the broom cupboard to get a cloth and some Windolene to finish off the window that one of the executives was washing, but it was full of dirty old bits and pieces of cleaning equipment and I could find neither cloth nor Windolene.
22,12. XX. XX
I was in a block of unfinished holiday apartments with my friends from Italy and other European friends I had recently met. In one of the apartments there was a couple of tattered old second-hand books on boring subjects, amid all the debris of construction and decoration. I talked excitedly to a boring man, about second-hand books and how I had bought many of them in the past. There was a lot of bright orange tape covering most of the window, which was large, and a large chestnut tree in blossom in front of the windows. Soon I felt bored at making boring, polite conversation.
22,06. XX. XX
I was in a bookshop. I went to buy a couple of books by Irvine Welsh, as well as another one. They were terribly expensive editions, one was £20 and the other was £40 one had the beginning and end missing, as the cover and the first few and last pages had been torn off. The other book was quite tatty too. I had a conversation about books with the guy behind the counter. I claimed that ultimately Irving Welsh «didn’t have the common touch», although the stories were very good. But the man strongly disagreed, and argued his case so well that I completely came round to his point of view. I was pleased that I’d found someone who was so clever and interested in the same books as me.
22,12. XX. XX
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I dreamt I was in a big house that I did not recognise, and my parents were in the house going from room to room.
10,16. XX. XX
Very vivid dreaming. I was by a huge river — the river was very swollen, there was an apple orchard and a church. I was buying a house.
3,05. XX. XX
I dreamt that my friend in the proving group was going to sell my husband and me a house very cheap — it was in Devon, really beautiful.
6,15. XX. XX
I dreamt I went to an estate agent in the town where my parents live and where I grew up, while they were away on holiday. The state agent was a homoeopath who used to be my supervisor, but in the dream she had very bad acne on her face. She was there with a colleague, who I didn’t know but who looked very similar to her indeed, even having acne on her face. We were all standing and talking in a steeply-sloping street where I sued to deliver newspapers as a boy twenty years ago. There were other estate agents talking to clients in the street too.
While we were chatting before getting down to business, the estate agent told me her father was a barman. She said : «He isn’t really sexual at all, but if he is, he’s gay. He got married though».
Immediately after this, while we were still chatting, someone came down the hill towards us, rolling the undercarriage of a train down a track about a metre wide. He had a couple more sets of wheels in a rucksack on his back.
Then we got down to business. I had come with three specific questions I wanted to ask concerning property. While I went through the process of asking the questions, the estate agent was slowly turning into my father, so that only by the third question I had realised that it was no longer this woman homoeopath, but my father. The questions I wanted to ask were very flimsy and I wondered how I could ask them without appearing ridiculous. I realised that I would have to change the last two questions in order to make them more substantial, and also that I had come to the estate agent — my father — not to get them answered, but just for contact and love.
PAGE 92
The first question was : «My parents have three bungalows (all joined together in a block) to sell in this street in which we are standing. How much are they worth? I stressed that I couldn’t actually sell them, because they were my parents» property and they were away on holiday. The estate agent was extremely puzzled, as s/he couldn’t remember every having seen these houses in that street before.
The second question was :»My parents want to sell their home and move elsewhere. Please dissuade them from this if at all possible.» I discussed the possible reasons for them wanting to move, the motives either my father or my mother could have for this. I wanted them to stay in the house where I grew up, and thought that the best way to change their minds about moving was to get the estate agent to dissuade them.
The third question I wanted to ask the estate agent — who by now was my Dad — would have been : «What sort of house could I buy here in this town for my money?» although, in my dream, I wasn’t seriously thinking of moving there. But as it was my Dad I was asking, I felt embarrassed and instead had to ask the question : «Are house prices going to continue to fall? They went so high up in the 1980s, are they going to go all the way down again?» At this point, I really badly wanted love from my father. He said yes to my question, and wrote out a mathematical equation to show why house prices would continue to fall.
22,03.19. XX
Dreamt that my mother had two houses, one she lived in, and one that stood empty. Some friends seemed to have lost their home and were living with my [or her?] parents. I was riding on a tandem with this friend, who sat behind me, but whenever I spoke to her, se wouldn’t answer. I could feel her anger. I asked my mother if my friend and he family could live in her house, but my mother wouldn’t answer and she wasn’t keen. I felt guilty that I couldn’t help, I had taken it on myself to help. I woke with a feeling of self-reproach. Just before I woke up, I realised it wasn’t my problem. I always used to be like that, taking on other people’s problems.
6,23. XX. XX
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I dreamt of a friend flooding her basement to make a luxurious swimming pool — I was very jealous. (In real life, I was anxious about her because her father was dying.)
4,24. XX. XX
Friends had extended and created the most perfect home possible. Under their eaves there were no windows. Every corner was utilised to the full.
8,03.23. XX
I had travelled away from home my train and was in an equally house waiting for someone to turn up. The house was old-fashioned and in France, as in my previous dream. But it was a different house, unfurnished, in a French provincial town, a few streets from the station. I was waiting for a foreign friend whom I really wanted to see. There was someone waiting with me. We waited and waited and she didn’t come. The house seemed to get greyer and duller and dustier and emptier the longer we waited. The person I was waiting with was a young teenage girl I didn’t know very well and wasn’t interested in, because she was very quiet, dull and passive. She started to show some signs of character and life when we began to speculate why my friend hadn’t turned up.
22,08. XX. XX
I dreamt I was at a parents’ evening at school — desks coming apart like a jigsaw. At one point I was a child, at another point a mother, trying to put them back together and put the tops back onto the legs.
4,11. XX. XX
I went to a huge building full of beautiful objects on sale for almost nothing. I went to find my mother. I found an angel, stiff, of painted wood or plaster with stiff wings. I put up my hand to find a cloth «fallen angel» with dread locked hair hanging upside down, tied to a stage set. I kept pulling it back and forth until I realised that was the one I wanted, the others didn’t appeal to me. A wooden door closed behind me; I banged on it to get out, crying. I could see through the bars at the top, some many -sided polygons. My daughter entered and the space enlarged; she showed me a waistcoat she wanted to buy but she couldn’t do up the last button. I offered to let some tucks out as it was made for a younger person. She didn’t like the back so I offered to make one of silk.
11,01. XX. XX
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Dreamt I was wit a group, walking past the house where I was born and brought up (but it didn’t look like it) — one of two semi’s, rather ‘sweet’. My stepmother was at the door. Then I was upstairs in a hotel, on some beds at the end of a corridor through swing doors. We were sitting, laughing, talking. Someone brought round two pairs of smartly dressed people from the Euthanasia Society. I told them we had been discussing homoeopathic euthanasia at college.
Other people were playing ping-pong on a small table covered with underwear and leaflets near the umpire.
13,10. XX. XX
Dreamt of a long car journey to Cornwall. My hotel room looked out onto the sea (yesterday we were discussing Raasay and our room apparently overlooks the sea). I was on top of a bank. I asked : «Does anyone want to swim?» No — its too cold, they said. The sea was very close up to the window now. Wearing a shower hat, kimono and knickers, I went to the loo. Nearly went into the men’s toilet by mistake. Loo on right hand side of corridor. I entered a small cubicle, and on sitting down my feet got wet in a puddle of yellow urine on the floor. As I peed, water came out of the side to wash the floor clear. I washed my feet in the spray, felt better. Outside the loo, we discussed meals. I was asked if I like octopus, turnip or Forestiere lasagne. I asked how octopus is cooked — she didn’t know but I chose it anyway. Looked in mirror, noticed my shower cap, noticed y hair looks OK really and outside the sea etc. looks beautiful.
13,08. XX. XX
Dangerous travel
I dreamt I was in a minibus full of people and JS and driving. I felt anxious because he started to reverse really fast and I was concerned he would crash the bus.
I dreamt I was doing U-turns in a large white van and was going to run over a child, when her mother tried to push me back with her arms.
4,16. XX. XX
PAGE 95
I had a dream that involved driving fast cars and feeling anxious.
10,28. XX. XX
I was woken in the night by a dream where I was in a car at night with two children. I started the engine and as soon as the car moved we plummeted over the edge, falling. The children were screaming and I felt fear as I knew there would be an impact in water, followed by entrapment and suffocation. I remember feeling the fall as very real and thought : «This is it. Is this really it?» I awoke before the impact on water.
18,01. XX. XX
Lots of dreams now. Snow falling on hills, sledging — it seemed precarious. I was in a car with a friend and the car was on top of a high place — a pillar of rock or a high building. They were laughing and it started to roll off into the water. I knew I as going to die. I wondered when I would come out of my body. I had absolute fear in my stomach.
6,27. XX. XX
I was woken from a dream with an adrenaline jolt in the stomach/solar plexus. It looked like a golden circle with a point in the centre, definitely the third chakra. The dream was of a car which stopped with its radiator grille inches from my nose.
18,02.04. XX
Dreamt of long, white, icy ski slopes, very steep, with brae people sliding down them. I was anxious about falling, I would go so fast and never stop, not knowing where I would end up, the unknown.
18,03. XX. XX
I was cycling down a street with traffic. The street took various turns and was a bit dangerous, with cars speeding by. There was a guy cycling in front and he was complaining about how difficult it was to make his dynamo work, but I told him it was actually a superior design and he should persevere. Eventually I got to my destination up the street, after a couple of twists and turns that seemed like more. I went into a school that was empty for the summer holidays. There were only some things laid out for the headmaster on a table. I added an object that was incongruous and would have surprised and offended the headmaster and his secretary when they came back and discovered it — some kind of piece of rubbish in the midst of this careful display of things he needed to function.
22,06. XX. XX
PAGE 96
I was travelling across Europe by train with various bags and bits of luggage. When I got to the station where I had to get off, I wasn’t prepared and scrambled to get all my luggage out. When I checked everything, I realised I’d lost my camera tripod somewhere along the way. My Mum was there and reassured me that it would turn up, but I knew it wouldn’t.
22,12. XX. XX
From another dream, I walked out strong and on my own but feeling shaky, and got onto a vehicle like a «space bus». There was a seat empty, at the front of a spiral-shaped bank of seats, just for me. After another section of dream, I was naked on a bus and needed to cover my breasts. At the bus stop, two people in front of me didn’t get back on so there were two new people in front.
11,23. XX. XX
I was towing a boat behind the car and I had to go a certain way. My husband had given me directions, but he wasn’t with me. I couldn’t find the route to get onto the main highway and returned home to get directions. He was impatient and said it was easy. I set off again, this time taking a local woman I barely know — she’s timid and a little simple. I still found it difficult to find the way. The surrounding countryside kept changing and it was muddling me, I didn’t know exactly where I was. Feelings of anxiety and impatience with myself.
6,08. XX. XX
I dreamt I was on an aeroplane that had just landed. People were making sandwiches, there was so much food over. I was trying to get my mother off the plane and there was a wasp in the back of her hair. Chocolate wrappers littered the floor. The stewardess asked me whether people had their seat belts on and I answered «No».
11,04. XX. XX
PAGE 97
I was with a group of people, seemingly in a classroom on a wide-bodied, open-plan aeroplane. I wanted to get on the computer to use MacRep, but just when one person had finished and I though it was my turn, someone else got in before me.
One of the girls brought me a project she was working on — it was an archaeological survey of the roads system of the area.
I knew these people, but not very well. I was a newcomer, something of a novelty to them, and they were well-acquainted with each other and bored, so they listened to what I was saying. They heard me describe someone (who wasn’t present) as a «big shit’, and a few of them called out to me and asked who was a ‘big shit?’, and they all laughed. The scene was like a cross between classroom and plane we all flew back on from Russia after we were evacuated when Chernobyl blew up — everyone bored, easily excited and uneasy.
22,10. XX. XX
I dreamt I was in a small plane coming in to land. One wheel touched the hillside as it banked. A woman took the controls but she walked away up the gangway. The plane was nearly touching down — at the last minute, she realised she’d mistaken the airfield and hadn’t allowed enough room, so as we braked we taxied in under a roof, breaking down the walls with the wing — no one hurt though.
13,16. XX. XX
Gangs, robbery
Dreamt of being chased through a department store by a thuggish gang. A man came after me and grabbed hold of my breast. I then introduced him to a shop assistant behind a glass screen and he left me alone.
10,31. XX. XX
This was a dream about a bank robbery, which happened twice.
The first time from a objective point of view — I was watching the whole drama from above. The second time, I was taking part in the dream; I was robbing the bank.
Initially, from above, I watched an elaborated robbery taking place in somewhere like the Pompidou Centre in Paris. There were men in masks with automatic handguns. The gums screamed like humans when the trigger was pulled. There was lots of noise and killing. Then they ran off with supermarket trolleys full of gold to a waiting van.
PAGE 98
Then, I had exactly the same dream again except I was in the action. I was the robber. I was running, pushing the supermarket trolley with one hand and shooting people with the other hand, exactly as it happened in the first dream. I screamed at the teller to load up the trolley with gold. I remember I knew exactly where to go, towards the van, with gold spilling over the sides.
9,15. XX. XX
I dreamt that may back door was broken into. I had left the keys on the inside. The television was stolen and I was glad. On «waking» in the dream, I realised that the VCR and bikes had gone too.
11,8. XX. XX
I was dreaming and woke to hear someone rattling the back door from outside to check if it was locked.
11,10. XX. XX
I dreamt of my ex-husband’s car — a new one which means a lot to him. The lodger cleaned it and left the doors open all night. In the morning, I saw a woman steal it and hard the sound o the gearbox. I ran after, following the sound. I phoned the police but they were not interested and the neighbours refused to help.
11,14. XX. XX
I dreamt that my back gate was open and that a man was stealing from the shed, taking the bikes and mower. He jumped onto a tractor and trailer, with a long number-plate with double numbers. I offered him money for them. I then found that my daughter was somehow involved in the theft and agonized about whether to turn her in for her own good or whether that would be a betrayal.
11,15. XX. XX
I dreamt I had a brilliant relative who organized goods chartering, doing it all in his head. He was arranging very heavy goods loads to Alaska and found out when he went there that he was really Asiatic and he had to smuggle out one of his relatives inside his cargo, as it was a very dangerous and restricted place.
4,01. XX. XX
PAGE 99
Dreamt I was a successful entrepreneur, buying and selling big time and travelling abroad on business.
22,11. XX. XX
Weapons
Dream : A woman was climbing the stairs with a young girl (aged 6 or 7). She turned to tell someone about the girl, and revealed a recent scar form a knife wound on the girl’s upper abdomen. Immediately, the woman and a man looked up and saw a knife suspended in mid-air, across the room, poised to attack. I felt tense and fearful and then the woman attempted to knock the knife to the ground with her hand. I awoke suddenly and sensed something supernatural around the knife.
10,2. XX. XX
I was in the library with a lot of things from Galileo. There were wheels and models of the universe. And I was walking through with a weapon concealed in my jacket. It was a create hook, exactly the same as Marlon Brando used in ‘On the Waterfront’. I just met my parents — three men were there with or behind me, whom I already knew and one of them said : «How are you doing? Are you wealthy?» I told him no, and described to him my financial situation in great depth.
3,09. XX. XX
I dreamt of being in Australia — I was a convict outside a circular brick coastal fort, being shot at by a fellow prisoner with an old-fashioned blunderbuss. I was also inside being the one shooting.
4,00.00.10
Woke up from a dream. I was looking for an alibi because I was a serial killer. The idea of knives and duality came into my mind.
7,08.20. XX
PAGE 100
Fire
Dream of lighter fuel being sprayed at my hair and lit.
10,XX. XX. XX
I dreamt of a huge fireball, randomly sweeping through a strange area. At the centre was a nuclear power station, surrounded by low building, houses, park, space etc, but all were floating on a huge expanse of water, with the power station at the centre. In the dream, I and other men in uniform had to surround and protect the fire station from the fire-ball, by pulling in an inflatable tunnel to surround it and then pulling in the houses etc. to protect the station, so that the outer layer of structure would take the heat, and not he inner station.
10,40. XX. XX
Babies
Dream : being somewhere with a baby girl which might have been mine — nice.
3,01. XX. XX
Dreamt that I was pregnant. Concern over the weight of the fœtus — too heavy.
11,23. XX. XX
I was looking after a baby, which at times was a child or an adult — it chopped and changed. Sometimes it was within myself and sometime I was observing. I was feeding and nurturing it and was very concerned about it. I had to take it to an impressive college, a big, grand, red brick mansion, with ornate, white windows and a flight of white curved steps leading up to the doors.
6,10. XX. XX
I was talking to my husband and I realised that the was six months pregnant. He was feeling very uncomfortable as the baby was in his bladder. He felt a lot of anxiety and was quite disgusted. Then we went to a medical centre and the team there was acting as though it was quite a normal occurrence. I was worried about how the baby was going to survive, and about my husband» survival too.
6,15. XX. XX
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I dreamt of being involved with a drugdealer’s plot to substitute one baby for another. I was kidnapping the baby to America in a big crowd, but I was afraid that the substitute baby would give the game away because it was the wrong sex.
4,01. XX. XX
I dreamt I was travelling with a very new baby (was it mine?) but I had to keep it a secret, covering it so that marks on it would not be seen when showing its heel. I wondered whether it was my «lost» daughter : part of a lot of dark secrets.
11,23. XX. XX
I dreamt of meeting a little girl of 3 or 4 years old with a baby, who said that they were lost. I took her to school, looking for the mother, and when I found her I gave her the baby. I took the girl to her house where there were eight children, one of whom was her double. I went upstairs with the father and the elder siblings and they put us to bed as if I was little too.
11,23. XX. XX
Dwarves and giants
I was in a country and was friends with a little man who lived in a castle. I was there when they came for him — lots of short people, or dwarves and elves. They were half human and half animal, all after him. A giant with a straw tried to suck him up. He was trying to escape in the moat. The giant was huge, he filled up my whole range of vision, all I would see was half of his face sucking up this frantically swimming man in a moat.
3,XX. XX. XX
Dreamt I was in basement backstage of a theatre. It was a dangerous place with yobboes threatening us. There were dwarves who were on my side. I was trying to float a production and I needed £2,000 to buy off the baddies. People were being grabbed and killed as they came offstage.
4,22. XX. XX
Dreamt of a twenty-foot figure with a tattooed face. It was the night of the full moon.
4,03. XX. XX
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I had an apocalyptic dream where I was trying to put a scrabble tile onto a flat stone cross to save the world. Also, a giant baby with an enormous nappy.
4,15. XX. XX
Sad dream of someone bigger and fatter than human size. Her flesh was pinched out at the edges with clothes pegs, as if she was trying to be bigger than she was already.
4,21. XX. XX
Dreamt of disgusting meat, offal and brains, also of Mr Bloody who is large spotty and pink and wears a nappy.
4,27. XX. XX
Social embarrassment/incompetence
I was yelling at a woman who had told me not to walk on the road but to go down the footpath. I decided to walk down the road because I was feeling rebellious, so this woman was screaming at me. She gave me some sort of Christian explanation why I shouldn’t be walking on the road. I screamed blasphemously at her, the realised that there were a lot of people watching me and I really felt bad and started to apologise to all the Japanese tourists who were watching me. I felt absolutely no remorse about the woman.
3,12. XX. XX
I dreamt I was in a large conference hall. I was seated at the only table where we couldn’t seethe stage. I wanted to move, so I got up and moved. The room had a dog leg shape to it, so I just got up an moved. A man (I used to go to school with him) was very slow to move. Then all the interactions began. I sat down in the wrong place. Then there was singing and hugs and everyone was hugging. I started to hug a woman that I didn’t find attractive, then I stopped and went back to my place. I thought to myself : «These people are useless», sitting there embarrassed while everyone was hugging Then I just grabbed a man (very similar to a man that I used to got o university with, who was a genius at economics and law). I hugged him, and it was a very close and intimate and sexual hug. Everyone was doing it — even the police outside who had come in from the hot corridor were hugging.
3,06. XX. XX
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I dreamt of a girl I accused of a crime. We discovered it was her twin sister who was guilty and I was ashamed of accusing her unjustly.
4,37. XX. XX
Dream : I was called into the college office and told off for being disruptive in the classroom.
7,28. XX. XX
I get angry with the hypocrisy of Christians. I was taking petitions into shops to display, it was something to do with gay rights. I knew they were taking the petitions and then binning them. I was shouting : «You’re supposed to be for tolerance and justice».
8,04.22. XX
I dreamt of two men and a woman sitting on a beautiful geometric Navajo rug, eating breakfast. One of the men splashed some milk onto the rug, and I wondered why he didn’t clear up his own mess.
11,02. XX. XX
I dreamt of blowing bubbles and eating an ice lolly for breakfast. I was writing a letter home to my ex-husband and partner and was embarrassed at writing it, as I was copying it from the official sheet of what was happening.
11.06. XX. XX
I was at a Dynamis class. I didn’t recognise some of my classmates. In the break, an Indian woman was telling me about a brand of remedy called ‘Tolly Solina’ and she was making me angry. I pretended I’d never heard of them, though I had vaguely. JS then reconvened the class and proposed some exercises. One was about the advisability of going into a case very deeply immediately.
22,11. XX. XX
Dream of a stupid old man feeding a slot machine with five-franc pieces. He had one coin left and an old woman took it and fed it into the machine and hit the jackpot. I was collecting coins from them for my son’s piggy bank but I wasn’t quite managing it.
19,XX. XX. XX
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Reality/fakery/concealment/artistry
This dream was long and elaborate. I was with some people in a town. Suddenly someone said : «Look!» and the Aurora was absolutely incredible. There was a phenomenal light-show, swirls and colours in the sky. I was awe-struck and climbed up onto a building with terracotta tiles to see better. This went on for ages. Then a black man climbed up onto the roof and said : «Wow!», then he said : «What colours do you think we would need to reproduce that, to copy all that? We’re the new light show in town». He was saying : «Let’s copy this using machines». Then the night suddenly turned into daytime, all the lights went on and the Aurora was totally gone. This dream happened twice.
3,14. XX. XX
This dream was in a showroom for garden accessories. There were only artificial things, nothing natural. I was there with friends to buy tacky fake waterfalls etc. On leaving, the friends got into a big limousine which was ours, leaving me to carry all the bags, so I screamed after them : «What the hell do you think I am?» The feeling was as if massive wealth was the norm here.
8,02.22. XX
I was in a Fellini film. I was walking down the street and saw a girl from work (an Icelandic girl) opening the large, white, wrought-iron gates of a large villa in a town in Italy. I followed her into the house and saw a big structure made out of scaffolding, of the kind that appears in Fellini’s films. They were shooting the film there so, although I was in the film, I was observing the set like an outsider. I talked to A about it.
22,05. XX. XX
I was reading, or maybe writing, or maybe living out, a series of new stories in Acid House, by Irvine Walsh, in part of the book I hadn’t read yet. I was making them up in the style and with the subject matter of the author — gritty realism about the social underclass.
22,06. XX. XX
I dreamt of a boy with curly blond hair, a cherubic rosy face and a snub nose, who was running along quite fast. I was seeing a side view of his head, quite close up. He seemed to be running on the spot where I had vertigo at the start of the proving. Someone told me that his thick, curly hair was really a wig. I lifted up the side of his by his ear and, sure enough, there was skin underneath, though I couldn’t be sure whether he was naturally bald or whether his head was shaven.
22,08. XX. Xx
PAGE 105
Dreamt I was skiing with my family, and I was angry with my husband for insisting on buying my son a second pair of boots. I was saying he hasn’t grown so soon, and angry at the waste of money. We were eating in a mountain restaurant where the food had gone cold, and the waiter offered me curry powder to heat it instead of putting it in the oven and I refused (I was feeling very cold at this point in the proving).
My daughter was lying in a chair with her feet on the table and then lying under the table with her feet hooked up over the edge of the table (like a bat) and I was angry with her. I also dreamt that my daughter was in a newly decorated house with old-fashioned style patchwork wallpaper. It looked awful and fake, but then a photo of her in it came which looked fine and I had to admit I was wrong.
4,09. XX. Xx
I dreamt I was on holiday in Brittany with my family. One of the local villagers was serving dessert for us at a table. It consisted mainly of petrol in bowls, which I had to pour out. The villager considered it a delicacy, but we were rather put off. We were eating sweet biscuits with it, which we dunked into the petrol. I joked that I was pouring out diesel not petrol, meaning that diesel tastes disgusting, while petrol is OK, and my Mum laughed, which made ma happy. In the dream I felt I was aged about 16, but in fact I was the same age as I am today.
22,06. XX. XX
Dreamt I was with two children again, and was myself only about 10 years old. We were playing on a grassy bank, with long grass below us. We heard a rustling and through the grass appeared a skull mask. We were frightened and an old man emerge. He took the mask off and was an old native American Indian, with brown weather-beaten skin and long straggly hair. He was wearing a loin cloth and a heavy chain was wrapped around him. «Who are you?» I asked. «I am your wisdom and you must unchain me.»
18,XX. XX. XX
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I dreamt I was asking my former university tutor if the afterlife was fully unknowable. I realised it was a stupid question, as it was obvious that his response would be yes. But even at that moment, I realised I had found a potent symbol for man’s image of God/heaven and hell/the afterlife. The thought came into my head : «It is right that I should have come to the very last room in this complex of rooms in the college, and that the last room should be a cinema with a small auditorium and a screen, because it symbolizes — therefore is — our quest for God : we project our imaginings on to the screen in coloured light and sound, on dark wall, behind which there is a void. The light-filled room is life. The dark void is death. The screen on the wall in between is the door, access to the two». It seemed to me that I had found some sort of a satisfactory answer to my question. The afterlife is knowable in so far as we can fully know and play out or ‘produce’ (in the sense of making a film) our yearnings to know it. Then I hastily painted a huge totem face on the screen (it wasn’t a very good painting). For some reason, I had signed my name first, and when I had finished the painting I saw that it had obliterated half my name. The signature I wrote was very formal, not the form of my name I normally use.
22,07. XX. XX
Politics
I was a rapper, putting across an important message in the lyrics of the song I was singing.
22,04. XX. XX
I dreamt of nude men in raincoats as part of a political protest — they were conscientious objectors.
4,25. XX. XX
I was in a strange, large, old-fashioned, ramshackle house. Two friends I know from Italy were there. I used to be very much in love with one of them. She is a strong feminist, and both of them are very intellectual and rather politically correct. I wrote something anti-feminist in big letters on a sheet of paper on the floor — very offensive and provocatively anti-women, with a hint of male violence. Then I had to tear it up quickly when they both came in. I think she saw it but politely pretended not to notice.
22,06. XX. XX
PAGE 107
Landscape
My mother was walking through a demolition or bomb site. Everywhere was piled with rubble : corrugated iron and wood and masonry. She was picking her way over this rubble. She was dishevelled and very wobbly on her feet. Suddenly, there was a whole lot of men (Japanese?) They were all in suits and they all surrounded her and started to fuss over her. The led her away to another part of this place, sat her down in front of all the rubble and began to do her hair and manicure her fingers etc. I was having so much fighting in my dreams, and there we so many dreams within dreams.
3,09. XX. XX
I was cycling through London. Everything had been totally flattened but it was many years ago. There was green grass. Walls that had once stood were now totally level. There was this flatness of grey and green. Then I was painting T, painting her white. I felt it was much easier than using a brush.
3,50. XX. XX
This dream was a re-enactment of the opening pages of ‘All Quiet on the Western Front’ by Erich Maria Remarque, about his experiences in the First World War. I was living out the opening pages of the book [U haven’t read it for 20 years and don’t remember anything about it, so the ‘opening pages’ were imaginary]. Everything was taking place in German. The dream concerned large numbers of people — troops moving refugees away from the war zone in the picturesque German countryside in 1914, at the beginning of the war. There was no actual fighting as yet, just the dismantling of a German idyll — a quiet, peaceful way of life. A picturesque village green with houses and peasants, all coming to an end. Something I can’t contact, something historical. Events before I was born.
22,01.18. XX
I was on a quayside by the sea with my mother and my brother and sister. The quay had been built in Roman times and survived into the present (although the dream seemed to take place in Roman times). I and my brother and sister were all very young children. We were looking around, waiting to go somewhere.
22,03.19. XX
PAGE 108
I dreamt of writing down my dream. I was building a pond in a garden, and there was a child under a pear tree.
11,11. XX. XX
Dreams forgotten
The first time ever that my dreams have left me for so long. I wake up knowing I have dreamt, but can’t recall them. Heavy stuff in them, yet I can’t remember.
6,09. XX. XX
Later, something was «too heavy» for something.
11,11. XX. XX
I’ve had more dreams than normal, but although they’re quite vivid I can’t remember any of them.
12,10. XX. XX
Dreams — very alive, though can’t remember details. Seemed to be dreaming all night.
11,00.04. XX
Dreams interconnected : dreams of dreams.
Many dreams within dreams.
11,12. XX. XX
I dreamt that I have stopped having dreams of note to record for the proving, and only have dregs of dreams — little snatches without meaning. I felt that I was trying to gain control over my dreams, second-guessing them.
22,08. XX. XX
I was telling my supervisor that I only had dreams to report.
22,06. XX. XX
Dreams — effects into waking
On waking, I remembered how good my name sounded and that it is an anagram of «is evil».
11,XX. XX. XX
PAGE 109
My dreams were intense and contained one within the other but were connected. I woke with a feeling of sensitivity to evil, which stayed with me for the next twelve months.
4,001. XX. XX
Generalities
Sensations
Heavy/Light
My lead is heavy.
11,14. XX. XX
Heaviness in middle of head, within the brain.
6,00.05.07
Heaviness sensation.
15,07. XX. XX
Heaviness in occiput.
6,28. XX. XX
My head feels heavy now as if hungover.
2.00.00.55
On waking, heaviness and dull ache… Heaviness from top of eyes all over the top of the head like a tight cap (for next 5 days).
6,10. XX. XX
Feelings of unreality alternating with a dull heavy ache.
6,13. XX. XX
Heavy, dull, thick-headed feeling…
22,00.23.50
Eyes feel very heavy.
13,01.05.00
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Bottom eyelids heavy.
6,10. XX. XX
I have a heavy feeling, as if I’m getting a cold.
4,15. XX. XX
Heavy pressure on the left side, left front tooth, brow, shoulder, elbow, coming at an angle of 45 degrees.
11,00.11.00
On waking, heaviness at base of stomach — solar plexus area, like a lead weight.
6,03. XX. XX
Heaviness, dullness, no interest.
3,22. XX. XX
A sensation of heaviness like being pregnant.
8,08.21. XX
Menses much heavier than normal…
12,23. XX. XX
Menses arrived 4 days late, and with a fuller and more painful flow than usual for the first day. Flooded in the night.
4,12. XX. XX
Heavy sensation in middle of chest.
6,06. XX. XX
Sensation of weight on the collar bone.
11,00.01.25
A low, heavy continuous ache in lumbar region as if a period about to start.
6,12.04.15
My legs and body feel heavy and aching on waking, amel. after movement for one hour.
7,15. XX. XX
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Light
My head is very light, feels as if it will float off.
2,00.08.30
I have the feeling of being light, as if it as lifting me up.
1,00.00.40
I feel light-headed. I feel a bit stoned, slightly out of it.
10,00.00.09
Ascending
Everything is pressing upwards. My head feels enlarged — upwards. I have the feeling of being light, as if it was lifting me up.
1,00.00.40
There is a sensation of tearing upwards…
1,44. XX. XX
Pain in left temple, moved to the top of my head.
4,05.09.45
Slight compression of brain, from the base upwards.
11,02.05.00
I felt a tingling feeling in my upper lip and upper palate, lasting a few minute. Quite soon it ascended to my vertex and seemed to pass out the top of my head.
2,01.02.30
Pain in head and face, working its way upwards and outwards.
11,03.02. XX
Immediately after taking the remedy, I had the sensation of a space opening up over my palate inside my skull, a feeling of expansion upwards.
4,00.00.05
A fine spiralling up my spine — I feel an almost unbearable burning as it goes up, with heat in my neck, ear and inner ear.
11,XX. XX. XX
PAGE 112
The chill goes up to my knees at times…
4,19.10.45
The chills run up all the way into my head.
2,00.00.58
If I shrug my shoulder, the feeling of coldness climbs upwards like a thrill into my head.
2,00.05.50
I went outside with a big coat on and the chills up the back and into the head started again.
22,01. XX. XX
Chills in my back, moving gently upwards again.
2,02.01. XX
Tingling, twitching and pulsating
I felt a tingling feeling in my upper lip and upper palate, lasting a few minutes. Quite soon it ascended to my vertex and seemed to pass out the top of my head.
2,01.02.30
Tingling over top of eyes on closing them.
11,01.00.00
Twitching of eyelids repeated for days.
15,26. XX. XX
Sensation of buzzing and tingling that is working all round my body, randomly. It feels like energy of some sort, from the inside.
10,00.18. XX
I keep getting electric shocks from touching metal objects e.g. desk, overhead projector, chair frames.
10,28. XX. XX
PAGE 113
Tremblings all over like muscles spasm at midday.
4,09.12.15
In the morning, I had a sensation as if boiling/bubbling inside, but without heat.
18,02. XX. XX
Shaking in my right shoulder, making the top of my body move, a fine spiralling up my spine. Feel an almost unbearable burning as it goes up, with heat in my neck, ear and inner ear.
11,XX. XX. XX
Pulsating above my right ear.
11,00.04.30
Buzzing in my right ear.
14,00.01.05
Tingling tip of nose, with the sensation as if it was turning back in on itself (like an elephant’s dimpled trunk).
11,XX. XX. XX
Left nostril tickling and blocked…
6,10. XX. XX
Nose tingling right side, top.
11,XX. XX. XX
I felt a twitching sensation around the bridge of my nose.
10,16. XX. XX
Sudden tickling, twitching sensation in upper right lip that lasts a few seconds.
10,00.18. XX
Twitching, tingling sensation in lower lip near cold sore (right hand side) that lasted a few seconds.
10,01. XX. XX
PAGE 114
The remedy feels warm in my mouth and I have a tingling sensation in it.
13,00.00.01
Tingling left lower lip.
11,00.04.42
Dry tickle in throat-pit…
3,08. XX. XX
Strong rhythmic twitching sensation in the left side of my neck, coinciding with similar twitching in my left arm, fold of elbow.
10,02. XX. XX
Whilst lying in bed, I have a sensation of gentle rhythmic pulsing; this emanates from the region of the diaphragm and extends to whole torso. This happens concurrently with pulsing in my hands.
10,00.11. XX
The vibration is still inside, a real buzzing feeling going down now into my lower belly and pubic area; it’s as if the bones there are vibrating slightly, subtly and very fast — at a high frequency.
2,01.10. XX
Trembling in solar plexus.
6,00.00.00
The pain was not continuous but pulsed every few seconds, lasting 30 mins.
10,07. XX. XX
A twingeing sensation as if menstrual flow about to start.
8,07. XX. XX
I felt a pulsing ache in left inguinal region…
10,35. XX. XX
Shaking in my right shoulder, making the tip of my body move. A fine spiralling up my spine — I feel an almost unbearable burning as it goes up, with heat in my neck, ear and inner ear.
11,XX. XX. XX
PAGE 115
Weird sensation, trembling legs and chill in bed all the way up to my thigh.
4,29.23. XX
Gentle pulsing in hands, which occurs concurrently with pulsing in region of diaphragm and torso.
10,00.11. XX
Buzzing and pulsing in feet and lower legs.
10,00.12.30
During the night, my hands and lower arms experience a buzzing sensation with a feeling of levitation in my hands and lower arms.
10,07. XX. XX
The under part of my right forearm is vibrating and it feels like a weak electrical current is running through it.
14,00.00.09
Left hand vibrating and buzzing.
14,00.01.25
Some muscle twitching in left upper arm in biceps region, around 3pm.
10,11. XX. XX
Felt strong rhythmic twitching sensation in the arch of my right foot… Then a similar twitching in my left arm… and twitching in the left side of neck. These sensations start and end suddenly. Later on, the twitching went back to the sole of my right foot. All between 2am and 5am.
10,12. XX. XX
My right knee started trembling as I was falling asleep…
4,03. XX. XX
Pulsating, stabbing pain on the to of right foot.
11,09. XX. XX
PAGE 116
Tingling all over neck and upper back.
2,00.00.10
Trembling legs and chill in bed, all the way up to my thigh.
4,29.23. XX
Expansion/enlargement
Top of head elongated and open at the top.
6,03. XX. XX
My head feels enlarged — upwards.
1,00.00.40
Sensation as if brow greatly enlarged.
11,01. XX. XX
Immediately after taking the remedy, I had the sensation of a space opening up over my palate inside my skull, a feeling of expansion upwards.
4,00.00.05
Gums swollen, enlarged, sensitive.
19,00.11.23
Swelling inside lips.
19,02. XX. XX
Abdomen distended.
10,12. XX. XX
It feels as if my lungs are stretched too far..
2,00.08.30
Feel toxic — ankles slightly oedematous.
11,XX. XX. XX
My right thumb became hard and swollen and numb… leaving the thumb looking slightly enlarged.
8,43.05.00
PAGE 117
Restlessness
Internal restlessness, felt it in the chest region and solar plexus. I don’t quite know what to do with myself, wandering around from room to room.
6,01.09.52
Sitting at lunch was impossible, I was too restless. Two or three times I got up and walked around the kitchen and sat down again. There is a restlessness inside me, driving me.
2,01.02. XX
When I have nothing to do the agitation returns, it is impossible to lie and do nothing.
2,01.02.30
I woke up at 3am, wide awake, restless, cold.
3,30.03. XX
Whilst lying in bed, my body feels very still and solid. I’m usually quite restless.
10,00.11.30
Weakness
Very tired, no energy, general weakness all over.
6,00.03.37
Weakness. Physically, I feel half the person I felt 2 days ago — half the strength.
6,04. XX. XX
Energy low on waking. Exhaustion and feeling that all energy had drained away. Joints and muscles weak.
6,XX. XX. XX
Energy very low.
5,02. XX. XX
PAGE 118
Tired — spent most of day in bed. I feel as though my energy level has gone to the opposite extreme.
3,34. XX. XX
My energy has just plummeted.
9,04.06. XX
I’m very tired, feel at the end of my tether, couldn’t carry on physically; unusual to be so exhausted in the daytime. I had to go and like on my bed although I didn’t sleep. My energy suddenly felt better at 4pm.
4,04.12.00
Low energy and irritability for 45 minutes (9.30pm) then OK again.
19,01.20.00
I feel slowed down physiologically.
11,04.04.30
Temperature
Heat — general
Feel as though I’m roasting.
3,00.00.20
Friend said I was glowing.
3,00.18. XX
Hot and perspiring all day.
6,00.00;15
HOT — especially from waist up and face; slightly sweaty forehead, clammy hands.
3,36. XX. XX
I am hot. Feel sweaty and greasy.
4,06. XX. XX
PAGE 119
The flat is very cold yet she is very hot and hungry, despite big lunch.
19,08.14;50
My body started to feel hot whilst in bed. This occurred after sensation of a sudden flash of light across the eyes, and I felt an adrenaline rush.
10,00.14.30
Increased sensation of vital heat, for many days, with increase of previous tendency to perspire easily on slight exertion.
22,14. XX. XX
Felt unusually warm during the night.
10,00.18. XX
Throughout the night I felt unusually hot — a dry heat.
10,08. XX. XX
I was far too hot all night and woke up many, many times.
9,01. XX. XX
Tremendous heat from my body. I felt like I’m melting the freezing air.
11,02.01.30
Sensation as if my head is very enclosed. Brain feels hot.
11,XX. XX. XX
Heat in right side of head.
11,12. XX. XX
Heat in the centre of head.
11,01.13.00
Sensation of heat on top of head and down over right ear.
6,16. XX. XX
Heat under upper eyelids.
11,XX. XX. XX
PAGE 120
Heat left inner ear.
11,00.01.25
Heat right ear extending down right arm to hand.
6,00.01.25
Ears and face feel very hot, but objectively they are cool to touch.
14,03.02. XX
Burning right had side of neck, in a line from the back of my earlobe.
11,XX. XX. XX
The remedy feels warm in my mouth…
13,00.00.01
Tongue dry, hot and burning.
19,02. XX. XX
Warm, contracting sensation in the pit of the stomach.
14,00.01.22
She is very hot and hungry despite big lunch.
19,08.14.50
Vagina hot and dry.
11,02.02.02
Hot nipples.
11,00.00.38
…heat in my neck, ear and inner ear.
11,XX. XX. XX
Heat in inner thighs.
11,00.00.06
My feet feel as if they are emitting a lot of heat.
10,00;11.30
PAGE 121
Legs, hot, dry and itchy, especially shins.
19,04. XX. XX
Cold — Extremities
Head feels cold.
11,01.09. XX
Feet extremely cold all day.
11,06. XX. XX
My right hand feels ice cold.
14,00.00.32
My arm feels colder.
14,00.00;34
The fingers in my left hand feel very cold with some discolouration, as if the blood has drained from them.
10,39. XX. XX
My feet feel extraordinarily chilled…
4,19.10.45
My third right toe was blue with cold in a hot bath, yet the upper half of my body was hot.
4,31.07.15
My feet were far more chilly than usual during the flu.
8,300. XX. XX
Pains
Needle-like
Pain like a needle being jabbed into me, momentarily at 4pm and intermittently in the evening.
8,43.07.30
PAGE 122
During the night, I felt a sharp needle-like pain going deep into the torso just beneath the rib-cage, slightly left of centre.
10,07. XX. XX
I felt a sharp needle-like pain going into my right shoulder, near the armpit.
10,11. XX. XX
Felt sharp needle-like pricking pain in my left leg, on the outside aspect just below the knee; it lasted a few minutes.
10,11. XX. XX
Dull ache
Dull frontal headache.
11,02.10.00
Dull ache, like a band round my forehead all the way round.
6,09. XX. XX
Feelings of unreality alternating with a dull heavy ache.
6,13. XX. XX
Slight headache, dull, around the right eyebrow…
8,08.09.00
Headache right forehead and above right eye, dull, on rising.
3,18. XX. XX
Heavy, dull, thick-headed feeling…
22,00.23.50
Dull ache in lower abdomen.
11,13.19.00
Acute, dull, burning pain in the anus, radiating into the lower abdomen.
22,07. XX. XX
PAGE 123
Dull ache under right breast, slightly to the right, also under right scapula… dull ache along the lower border of the ribs at the front.
8,270. XX. XX
…dull ache in the right which got progressively more prominent… Also, lower backache in sacral region. It feels dull.
10,49. XX. XX
Burning
Burning right had side of neck, in a line from the back of my earlobe
11,XX. XX. XX
Brow burning. Face feel burnt.
11,02.15.30
Burning red cheeks…
5,XX. XX. XX
…under the left eye there was a flat red mark that looked like a minor burn.
8,275. XX. XX
Tongue dry, hot and burning.
19,02. XX. XX
Burning, red-tipped tongue.
6,31. XX. XX
Burning pain in throat…
2,32. XX. XX
Burning dryness in the larynx.
18,07. XX. XX
Acute, dull, burning pain in the anus, radiating into the lower abdomen.
22,07. XX. XX
Burning at the tip of the penis while urinating.
14,04.00. XX
PAGE 124
I feel an almost unbearable burning as it goes up, with heat in my neck, ear and inner ear.
11,XX. XX. XX
A bright red, dry, burning patch on my upper inside left thigh, by the crotch.
14,01.00. XX
The soles of my feet, especially the heels, blistered as if badly burned.
11,XX. XX. XX
…left heel feels burnt or rubbed sore… Burning on the outside feels like a friction burn, tingling and burning right underneath.
2,09. XX. XX
Cut my finger and hand, lost feeling in it, looked as if it was burned by an iron rather than cut.
4,03. XX. XX
Pressing/crushing
Crushing sensation on the vertex.
15,07. XX. XX
A pressure on the front par of the vertex.
2,00.00.55
Vertex pressure headache like a skull cap.
6,41. XX. XX
My headache is a squeezing, pushing sensation — reminds me of water pressure in a pool or the pain I used to get as a child after doing headstands in gym.
4,08. XX. XX
Slight compression of brain, from the base upwards.
11,02.05.00
PAGE 125
Everything is pressing upwards… I hear noises in my head with occipital pressure.
1,00.00.40
I feel pressure behind the eyes.
1,44. XX. XX
Top of head — pressure as if everything accumulated there and yet I feel brainless.
6,19. XX. XX
Frontal headache, a feeling of pressure on the front part of my skull, above my forehead.
2,11. XX. XX
Headache : pressure on vertex, with some nausea… The sensation was pressing down to the root of my nose.
4,07. XX. XX
Temples aching and pressure.
6,19. XX. XX
Headache (temples)… felt like two pressure plates, screwed together.
4,10.03.15
Slight pressure on both temples, as if my head is held by a pair of great pliers.
14,00.01.40
A pressing pain inward in the the lower part of the forehead, mainly in the centre but also over the eyes.
22,00.23.50
Pressing pain on bending down, in left forehead above eye.
6,00.06.42
PAGE 126
Heavy pressure on the the left side, left front tooth, brow, shoulder, elbow, coming at an angle of 45 degrees.
11,00.11.00
Pressure in throat with anxiety.
6,05. XX. XX
It feels as though the the muscles at the neck of the bladder were unable to withstand the pressure.
6,05. XX. XX
Sensation of weight on the collar bone — tremendous pressure.
11,00.01.25
Wound healing
A fan fell on my face and injured my nose. Ten days late, it is till painful, as if it is not healing.
6,05. XX. XX
A painful fissure appeared inside my left nostril, half a centimetre long. It healed after a few days, but reappeared 5 weeks later.
22,05. XX. XX
Cut my finger and hand, lost feeling in it, looked as if it was burned by an iron rather than cut.
4,03. XX. XX
My injured thumb is suppurating. It is hot on the surface to touch and stiff to move, red around the scars, feels better for cold, worse for water. I squeezed the pus out and it felt a bit easier. Thumb very painful in outside air.
10,28. XX. XX
Without any apparent injury, my right thumb became hard and swollen and numb. It looked dark and purple and it felt taut but not painful. The sensation lasted through to 9pm then disappeared, leaving the thumb looking slightly enlarged. Symptoms returned next day but more mildly; no sensation of bruising but looked as if it had been smashed with a hammer. Sensation continued all day but disappeared until day 53,when it returned with same appearance as before at 1pm for a few hours.
8,43.05.00 — 53. XX. XX
PAGE 127
Sides
Left
I feel as if the essence of me has left my body and is sitting on the top left hand side o my head.
6,01.24. XX
Pain in left temple…
4,05.09.45
Pressing pain on bending down, in left forehead above eye.
6,00.06.42
Pain deep in left temple.
11,00.00.38
Left eye only watering.
3,14. XX. XX
Twitching of left eyelid, later moving to both eyes.
15,11. XX. XX
Sharp pain in middle of left ear extending to lower jaw that lasted thirty minutes.
10,03. XX. XX
Pain left ear…
13,11. XX. XX
Heat left inner ear.
11,00.01.25
Sudden left-sided nosebleed.
11,XX. XX. XX
PAGE 128
Red left nostril.
16,00.01.30
A painful fissure appeared inside my left nostril…
22,05. XX. XX
My left nostril is running…
4,15. XX. XX
Left nostril tickling and blocked…
6,10. XX. XX
Deep pain above left brow. Heavy pressure on the left side, left front tooth, brow, shoulder, elbow, coming at an angle of 45 degrees.
11,00.11.00
Under the left eyebrow I had a scaly eruption like psoriasis, and under the left eye there was a flat red mark that looked like a minor burn.
8,275. XX. XX
Tingling left lower lip.
11,00.04.42
Left lower teeth unstable on brushing.
11,02.19.00
Sensation of constriction on left side.
6,00.00.06
Strong rhythmic twitching sensation in the left side o my neck, coinciding with similar twitching in my left arm, fold of elbow.
10,02. XX. XX
I felt a pulsing ache in left inguinal region…
10,35. XX. XX
Pain in nerves in lower left abdomen.
19,02.17.15
PAGE 129
Pain middle of left lung and front ribs.
11,02.10.13
Fluttering sensation in left breast…
10,00.07.00
Lymph gland in left armpit enlarged and sore.
11,XX. XX. XX
The fingers in my left hand feel very cold with some discolouration, as if the blood had drained from them.
10,39. XX. XX
A bright red, dry, burning patch on my upper inside left thigh, by the crotch.
14,01.00. XX
Left hand vibrating and buzzing.
14,00.01.25
Clickings in left hand and thumb.
10,00.18. XX
Some muscle twitching in left upper arm in biceps region, around 3pm.
10,11. XX. XX
…twitching in my left arm in the fold of the elbow and twitching in the left side of neck.
10,12. XX. XX
Clunk in left hip.
11,10. XX. XX
Existing pain in the left wrist bone intensifies for ten minutes, extending towards the fingers.
19,00.00.20
Deep pain in the centre of left forearm.
11,14. XX. XX
PAGE 130
Leg bones aching as if chilled, worse on left side.
19,06.04.00
Felt sharp needle-like pricking pain in my left leg…
10,11. XX. XX
Left hand feels sore as if bruised or sprained.
10,38. XX. XX
Slight pain on walking, as if sprained Achilles tendon on left side.
2,09. XX. XX
Left side felt beaten up and battered…
11,01.13.00
I have a slight sharp ache in my left femur, deep in the marrow; and also in my left tibia.
10,00.18. XX
Occasional sharp pains in the temple, agg. left side.
2,00.00.58
Right
On waking early, I feel heavy in the head, right side. Especially over and behind right eye.
13,09. XX. XX
Heat in right side of head.
11,12. XX. XX
Sensation of heat on top of head and won over right ear.
6,16. XX. XX
Slight headache, dull, around the right eyebrow…
8,08.09.00
Headache right forehead and above right eye…
3,18. XX. XX
PAGE 131
Headache and pain top of right eye…
3,34. XX. XX
Heat and soreness of whole eye socket.
11,14. XX. XX
Right eyelids droops, is slow in opening and closing, lagging behind the other one, repeatedly throughout the proving.
22,23. XX. XX
Vision darker in right eye.
11,00.00.45
Inner vision from right eye : fiery outward explosion, a fireball as if only viewing from right side.
11,03.05.18
Through right eye — plates turned into red flashing buttons.
11,03.08.52
Heat right ear extending down right arm to hand.
6,00.01.25
Burning right had side of neck, in a line from the back of my earlobe.
11,XX. XX. XX
Pulsating above my right ear.
11,00.04.30
Ringing in my right ear.
11,00.00.45
Buzzing in my right ear.
14,00.01.05
Pulsating above my right ear.
11,00.04.30
PAGE 132
Sore upper right mouth… Nose tingling right side, top.
11,XX. XX. XX
Sudden tickling, twitching sensation in upper right lip…
10,00.00.42
Twitching, tingling sensation in lower lip near cold sore (right hand side).
10,01. XX. XX
Deep pain right forehead going down face.
11,04.04.20
Pain in lower right teeth.
11,02.05.00
Teeth lower right unstable on brushing.
11,09. XX. XX
Tongue right hand side edge — sensation as if piece of fluff on it.
6,04. XX. XX
Notice little blister on right side of tongue.
13,02.06. XX
Soreness right hand side of tongue.
6,31. XX. XX
Nauseous, constricted, numb feeling in the right side of the throat.
14,00.00.04
Sharp pain in lower right abdomen.
11,04.04.20
Stabbing pain in right waistline.
11,09. XX. XX
Cramping pain in right lower abdomen, near groin.
13,06.06. XX
PAGE 133
Sharp pain in lower abdomen, groin, then upper front of right thigh.
11,XX. XX. XX
A hard stony lump in right armpit — painless.
15,28. XX. XX
Sharp pain in right lymph node under arm.
11,12. XX. XX
Dull ache under right breast, slightly to the right, also under right scapula.
8,270. XX. XX
…dull ache in the right pelvis… Eventually I went to see and osteopath, who said the pelvis had tilted down to the right by about an inch.
10,49. XX. XX
Stiffness down right side of neck.
8,26. XX. XX
Woke in the early hours with pain, as if neck pulled (right side).
7,48. XX. XX
Intermittent pain in right kidney area without any other bladder symptoms.
4,10 months-1 year.
Shaking in my right shoulder.
11,XX. XX. XX
My right hand feels ice cold.
14,00.00.32
The under part of my right forearm is vibrating and it feels like a weak electrical current is running through it.
14,00.00.09
My right knee started trembling as I was falling asleep…
4,03. XX. XX
PAGE 134
Jolting in my right leg on sitting still.
11,01.10.00
Sharp pain upper front right thigh extending from groin. Pulsating stabbing pain on the top of right foot.
11,09. XX. XX
Clunk in right hip on walking.
11,10. XX. XX
I felt a sharp needle-like pain going into my right shoulder, near the armpit.
10,11. XX. XX
Pain in right shoulder joint, as if a nerve is compressed, worse when extending and raising arm.
14,02.08. XX
I am aware of a sensation as if I have pulled a muscle in my right leg, just below the calf muscle.
10,19. XX. XX
I woke up with cramp in my right calf, very painful.
4,14. XX. XX
Right hand stiff — from bowling. Still weak and bruised pain six days later.
6,41. XX. XX
My right thumb became hard and swollen and numb…
8,43.05.00
Sensation of movement under the skin on right shin.
11,01.19. XX
The back of my right hand erupted in a straight line of red itchy spots in line with the knuckles.
4,24. XX. XX
PAGE 135
Colours
Bright
Light seems bright and dazzling.
5,00.01.37
Everything was unbearably bright, hurting my eyes.
6,07. XX. XX
Headlights of cars glaringly bright — needed to squint.
5,00.02. XX
Light seems bright and dazzling.
2,00.01.37
When I put the light on over my desk, it was as if the sun was shinning on the page, so brightly reflected that I couldn’t read the typewritten words. I had to shade my eyes.
2,00.10.40
Colours bright and vibrant… Light as if reflected off snow.
11,00.05.40
Everything seems much brighter when you have come from the shadow.
11,XX. XX. XX
Red
Eyes itchy red…
5,00.01.37
…plates turned into red flashing buttons.
11,03.08.52
I catch myself looking at red colours and feasting my eyes on them. I tell my wife to wear bright red lipstick for a party.
14,00.01.55
PAGE 136
Red left nostril.
16,00.01.30
Bright red blood on blowing the nose.
11,10.20.30
Red face and red between the brows.
3,01.02;30
Tongue… red and raised.
6,31. XX. XX
Lips very dry and peeling, cracked and red.
6,32. XX. XX
Burning, red-tipped tongue.
6,31. XX. XX
My mouth was filled with blood… It was bright red like a haemorrhage.
4,25.22.00
A bright red, dry, burning patch on my upper inside left thigh, by the crotch.
14,01.00. XX
Modalities
Pressure — ameliorates
Dull headache amel. pressure.
6,21. XX. XX
Dull ache… amel. pressure on temples.
6,09. XX. XX
Headache amel. for pressure on both temples.
13,09. XX. XX
PAGE 137
Temples aching and pressure. Sensation as if heavy metal bar through from one side to another, amel. firm pressure on temples.
6,19. XX. XX
Heavy, dull, thick-headed feeling… somewhat ameliorated by pressure.
22,00.23.50
Rest — Ameliorates
Crushing sensation on the vertex… amel. lying down in a dark quiet room, amel. after sleep.
6,21. XX. XX
Dull headache amel. rest.
6,21. XX. XX
Dull ache in the right pelvis… This is worse for standing and walking and better for lying down or sitting.
10,49. XX. XX
Movement — ameliorates
On waking, heaviness and dull ache, amel. getting out of bed and moving around.
6,10. XX. XX
Headache… The pain eased after getting up and moving around.
4,10.03.15
Back pain in the lumbar region… on waking in the morning. It goes off when I get up and start moving and bending.
2,14. XX. XX
My legs and body feel heavy and aching on waking, amel. after movement for one hour.
7,15. XX. XX
Movement — aggravates
I feel as if the essence of me has left my body and is sitting on the top left hand side of my head. More apparent when I am moving.
6,01.24. XX
PAGE 138
Dryness of back roof of mouth and tongue… agg. on rising and moving around.
6,00.00.42
Dull ache in the right pelvis… This is worse for standing and walking and better for lying down or sitting.
10,49. XX. XX
Stooping — aggravates
Headache right forehead and above right eye, dull, on rising, agg. stopping.
3,18. XX. XX
Pressing pain on bending down, in left forehead above eye.
6,00.06.42
Time
Twitching… between 2am and 5am.
10,12. XX. XX
Woke in the early hours with pain, as if neck pulled (right side).
7,48. XX. XX
Between 2.30am-4.30am, felt a sensation of tightening of the face, forehead, nose and cheeks, like a magnetic force.
10,17. XX. XX
I woke up at 3am, wide awake restless, cold.
3,30.03. XX
I felt a sharp needle-like pain… sometime between 3am and 4am.
10,11. XX. XX
On waking
Headache : pressure on vertex, with some nausea. Woke with it, continued all day, worse at 3pm when I felt very dizzy.
4,07. XX. XX
PAGE 139
On waking, heaviness and dull ache, amel. getting out of bed and moving around.
6,10. XX. XX
Woke with dryness of throat, back of tongue and top of mouth.
6,00.22.07
My legs and body feel heavy and aching on waking, amel. after movement for one hour.
7,15. XX. XX
On waking at 4.15am, a low heavy continuous ache in lumbar region as if a period about to start. Improved on getting out of bed.
6,12.04.15
Woke up daily in a panic.
7,XX. XX. XX
3pm
Headache : pressure on vertex, with some nausea. Woke with it, continued all day, worse at 3pm when I felt very dizzy.
4,07. XX. XX
Menses started 3pm (usually start mid-am or midday).
2,17. XX. XX
Some muscle twitching in left upper arm in biceps region, around 3pm.
10,11. XX. XX
Evening
Bowels feel sluggish — unable to defecate until evening; usually regular in the morning.
10,2 and 10. XX. XX
Sudden, strong, soft, continuous sharp pain in left breast in region of tumour, lasting for up to a minute. This comes and goes all evening.
10,35. XX. XX
PAGE 140
In the evening, I feel weakness in my lower back.
11,XX. XX. XX
Excess flatulence, agg. 6-10pm.
6,11. XX. XX
Definite sore throat on rising… then again at 8pm.
3,04. XX. XX
8pm — feeling faint and nauseated.
13,12.20.00
Burning dryness in the larynx develops into a dry, explosive cough, agg. 8-9pm.
18,7-17. XX. XX
Burning pain in throat 10pm.
2,32. XX. XX
Food — desires
Hot
Definitely only wanting warm food and drink.
3,32. XX. XX
Salty
Strong desire for salty and fatty things : butter, cheese, crisp.
6,28. XX. XX
Desire for cheese.
7,XX. XX. XX
Desire for bacon sandwiches (I’m vegetarian).
5,XX. XX. XX
I love gravy at the moment and especially like smoked meat, like bacon.
3,10. XX. XX
PAGE 141
Fats
Strong desire for salty and fatty things : butter, cheese, crisps.
6,28. XX. XX
Desire for bacon sandwiches (I’m vegetarian).
I love gravy at the moment and especially like smoked meat, bacon.
3,10. XX. XX
Meat
Desire for bacon sandwiches (I’m vegetarian).
5,XX. XX. XX
Desire for raw meat.
11,01.09. XX
I love gravy at the moment and especially like smoked meat, like bacon.
3,10. XX. XX
Food — aversions
Chocolate
Strong aversion to chocolate, which is very unusual for me. The smell alone makes me feel sick, thinking of it fills me with disgust.
14,13. XX. XX
Thirst
Thirstlessness was extra marked.
6,28. XX. XX
I felt extremely thirsty. I arrived at a party and had to go straight to the tap and drink four glasses of water — I couldn’t wait to get filtered water from the hostess.
4,00.17.00
Thirsty all day. I’ve drunk a lot of water, juice and wine.
3,00.06. XX
PAGE 142
Throughout the proving, very intense desire for fizzy water.
13,XX. XX. XX
Vertigo
I feel light-headed. I feel a bit stoned, slightly out of it.
10,00.00.09
I had a sensation of dizziness, together with the feeling of being on drugs. I felt as though I was looking from above.
12,01.12. XX
Slight dizziness for ten minutes, after a brisk walk, concomitant with dryness in mouth and spaced-out feeling.
6,00.01.07
Dizziness when walking to town, felt as though I was veering over to the left but I wasn’t.
6,10. XX. XX
I felt dizzy with my headache whenever I turned my head from side to side.
4,16. XX. XX
I felt very dizzy walking around the supermarket.
4,27.09.30
I’m feeling at a low ebb, a bit depressed and also dizzy.
12,02. XX. XX
I came down with a sore throat and headache, feeling dizzy and exhausted.
12,17. XX. XX
slight vertigo — felt a though I was spinning clockwise, lasting 20 minute. Accompanied by dull feeling in head.
22,00.23.50
Momentary slight dizziness (turning clockwise) on rising from a chair.
22,03.05. XX
PAGE 143
Vertigo in my forehead, as if everything is turning inside.
1,00.00.22
Vertigo after touching the remedy.
1,44. XX. XX
Head
Vacant sensation, out of my head, spaced out.
6,00.00.07
My head feels empty now, it suddenly cleared. A slight headache over the front of my head, above my forehead. A space there, aching slightly.
2,00.00.10
My head is very light, feels as if it will float off.
2,00.08.30
My head is heavy. There is such tension at the base of my skull, I would like to take my head off and leave it behind.
11,14. XX. XX
I feel as if the essence of me has left my body and is sitting on the top left hand side f my head. More apparent when I am moving. (Cross-ref. : Sensations/Delusions.)
6,01.23. XX
On waking, top of head feels open as if the skull is not closed at the top. Munsters-head shape, it goes straight up. Top of head elongated and open at the top. (Cross-ref. : Sensations/Delusions).
6,03. XX. XX
I felt a tingling feeling in my upper lip and upper palate, lasting a few minutes. Quite soon it ascended to my vertex and seemed to pass out the top of my head. (Cross)refs. : Mind, Mouth.)
2,01.02.30
PAGE 144
On waking early, I feel heavy in the head, right side. Especially over and behind right eye.
13,09. XX. XX
Heaviness in middle of head, within the brain.
6,00.05.07
‘Heaviness’ sensation. ‘Crushing’ sensation on the vertex.
15,07. XX. XX
Heaviness in occiput.
6,28. XX. XX
My head feels heavy now as if hung-over; a pressure on the front part of the vertex (Cross-ref. : Vision).
2,00.00.55
Vertex pressure headache like a skull cap.
6,41. XX. XX
My headache is a squeezing, pushing sensation — reminds me of water pressure in a pool or the pain I used to get as a child after doing headstands in gym.
4,08. XX. XX
Slight compression of brain, from the base upwards.
11,02.05.00
Forehead feels as if everything is turning inside.
1,00.00.22
Everything is pressing upwards. My head feels enlarged — upwards. I have the feeling of being light, as if it was lifting me up. I hear noises in my head with occipital pressure.
1,00.00.40
PAGE 145
I feel pressure behind the eyes, like a triangle above the eyes. This pressure starts later every day, beginning one hour after getting up and finishing in the evening. There is a sensation of tearing upwards, as if it was concentrated in the middle of my forehead. I have slightly light feeling but no pain. As long as the pressure and tearing are there, I feel as if I can’t do anything, which is not true.
1,44. XX. XX
Sensation as if my head is very enclosed. Brain feels hot.
11,XX. XX. XX
Heat on right side of head.
11,12. XX. XX
Heat in the centre of head.
11,01.13.00
Sensation of heat on top of head and down over right ear.
6,16. XX. XX
Head feels cold.
11,01.09. XX
In the shower, I am very aware of my short hair and skull, and of the soles of my feet, which have a velvety feeling.
14,00.02.00
My head and scalp are very itchy, scaly and weepy — red, especially in one patch on my crown. It’s the aggravation of an old symptom, but much worse. Very itchy scalp all over. I hate the thought o having dandruff or psoriasis.
9,00.02.00
Hair : on washing, quite a large amount came out in my hands.
6,23. XX. XX
My hair is greasier than usual, noticeably behind the ears.
6,06. XX. XX
PAGE 146
Hair matted.
11,03.03.40
I think I have some hair loss in patches, in the left parietal region of my scalp.
10,11. XX. XX
Hair growing back on bald patch.
Head pain
‘Heaviness’ sensation. ‘Crushing’ sensation on the vertex. The pain gets more and more debilitating. agg. Light; agg. noise; amel. alone; amel. lying down in a dark quiet room; amel. after sleep. Loss of appetite during headache.
15,07. XX. XX
Dull headache amel. pressure, eating, rest; amel. mental exertion, concentration.
6,21. XX. XX
Top of head — pressure as if everything accumulated there and yet I feel brainless.
6,19. XX. XX
Frontal headache, a feeling of pressure on the front part of my skull, above my forehead. This came on suddenly as another male prover was talking.
2,11. XX. XX
Dull frontal headache.
11,02.10.00
Dull ache, like a band round my forehead all the way round, amel. pressure on temples.
6,09. XX. XX
PAGE 147
Headache : pressure on vertex, with some nausea. Woke with it, continued all day, worse at 3pm, when I felt very dizzy. The sensation was pressing down to the root of my nose.
4,07. XX. XX
Headache amel. for pressure on both temples.
13,09. XX. XX
A headache started after an enjoyable walk in the park — pain in left temple, moved to the top of my head. It improved when I brushed my hair but didn’t go.
4,05.09.45
On waking, heaviness and dull ache, amel. getting out of bed and moving around. Heaviness from top of eyes all over the top of the head like a tight cap (for next 5 days). Returned on day 41.
6,10. XX. XX
Feelings of unreality alternating with a dull heavy ache.
6,13. XX. XX
Temples aching and pressure. Sensation as if heavy metal bar through from one side to another, amel. firm pressure on temples; agg. 1 p.m.
6,19. XX. XX
Headache felt worse. Pain move down from the top of my head to my temples. It felt like two pressure plates, screwed together. The pain eased after getting up and moving around.
4,10.03.15
Slight pressure on both temples, as if my head is held by a pair of great pliers.
14,00.01.40
PAGE 148
Slight headache, dull, around the right eyebrow, which later became intense whilst cycling home in cold night air. I had to hold my hand over eye for warmth and dark. Pain continued in low-key way during the night. This coincided with start of menstrual period.
8,08.09.00
Headache right forehead and above right eye, dull, on rising, agg. stooping, coughing.
3,18. XX. XX
Headache and pain top of right eye, agg. moving eyes especially to edge of vision.
3,34. XX. XX
Heavy, dull, thick-headed feeling and a pressing pain inward in the lower part of the forehead, mainly in the centre, but also over the eyes, lasting several hours. Somewhat ameliorated by pressure. Accompanied by vertigo.
22,00.23.50
Pressing pain on bending down, in left forehead above eye.
6,00.06.42
Pain deep in left temple.
11,00.00.38
Deep pain in my forehead, extending down face — neuralgic.
11,04.04.20
At last, more movement at the back of my neck. Click of vertebrae, pressure and pain in head are lifting, sensation that I am less bowed down. (Cross-ref. : Back.)
11,14. XX. XX
Eye
Fast eye movements.
17,00.01.00
PAGE 149
Eyes brighter and whiter sclera, clearer irises.
2,XX. XX. XX
Eyes watering, agg. mind, agg. left, slightly sticky discharge (OS — this was my presenting symptom when first treated homoeopathically 7-8 years ago).
3,13. XX. XX
Left eye only watering.
3,14. XX. XX
Eyes watery on waking.
5,02. XX. XX
On getting out of bed, left eye lachrymation for 2 mins.
6,05. XX. XX
My eyes are glued tight on waking, and I have pull them open.
14,00.16.30
Tingling over top of eyes on closing them.
11,01.10.00
Twitching of left eyelid, later moving to both eyes.
15,11. XX. XX
Twitching of eyelids repeated for days.
15,26. XX. XX
My upper eyelid was flickering.
12,04.12. XX
My eyes are dry, sensation as if something in them.
11,01.00.20
Over the last week, have woken with my eyes feeling very dry and difficult to open, better for rubbing.
10,15. XX. XX
PAGE 150
My eyes feel dry and irritated, as if there was sand in them.
14,01.06. XX
Eyes itchy red around lids, agg. scratching.
7,00.01.37
Eyes tired.
11,03.19.00
Eyes sore.
11,13. XX. XX
Heat and soreness of whole right eye socket. Sensation as if something in eye for past two days.
11,14. XX. XX
Heat under upper eyelids.
11,XX. XX. XX
Eyes feel very heavy.
13,01.05.00
Bottom eyelids heavy.
6,10. XX. XX
Right eyelids droops, is slow in opening and closing, lagging behind the other one, repeatedly throughout the proving.
22,23. XX. XX
Top eyelids swollen.
6,36. XX. XX
Ear
Heat left inner ear.
11,00.01.25
Heat right ear extending down right arm to hand.
6,00.01.25
PAGE 151
Ears and face feel very hot, but objectively they are cool to touch.
14,03.02. XX
Burning right hand side of neck, in a line from the back of my ear lobe.
11,XX. XX. XX
Sharp pain in middle of left ear extending to lower jaw that lasted thirty minutes.
10,03. XX. XX
Pain like a needle being jabbed into me, momentarily at 1600hrs, and intermittently in the evening.
8,43.07.30
Pain left ear in cartilage in inner part of outer ear, agg. touch.
13,11. XX. XX
Sensation as if bleeding from the nose, vagina and inner ear.
11,XX. XX. XX
Pulsating above my right ear.
11,00.04.30
Hearing
Ringing in my right ear.
11,00.00.45
Loud hissing sound, returns periodically over next 5 days.
6,00.00.02
A sudden continuous noise in my left ear like a high pitched whistle, for thirty seconds. The later, a sudden continuous high pitched whistle in my right ear that lasted thirty seconds.
10,00.07.02 and 00.12. XX
Buzzing in my right ear.
14,00.01.05
PAGE 152
Pulsating above my right ear.
11,00.04.30
I need to sit upright with earplugs in, and really enjoy the silence, which feels like a balmy, velvety medium all around and in me.
14,15.03. XX
I’m not so much aware of sounds as of the gaps in-between.
14,00.22.10
I could hear everything much more clearly — noises were much more accentuated.
12,00.00. XX
Hearing extremely acute. As if my life depended on listening.
11,00.23.50
I have echo location like a bat. My hearing is acute — I feel it in my body, especially the centre of my face, see it as well. I can see sound waves. I feel them in my head like a bat, especially in the bones of my face.
11,XX. XX. XX
Nose
Red left nostril.
16,00.01.30
Sudden left-sided nose bleed. Tingling tip of nose, with the sensation as if it was turning back in on itself (like an elephant’s dimpled trunk).
11,XX. XX. XX
A painful fissure appeared inside my left nostril, half a centimetre long. It healed after a few day, but reappeared 5 weeks later.
22,05. XX. XX
Sensation as if bleeding vagina, nose and inner ear (Cross-refs. : Female, Ear.)
11,XX. XX. XX
PAGE 153
My left nostril is running, I have a heavy feeling as if I’m getting a cold.
4,15. XX. XX
Left nostril tickling and blocked — mucus profuse, green and clear for half an hour.
6,10. XX. XX
Breathing freely through nose, which had been blocked.
11,00.00.06
Bright red blood on blowing the nose.
11,10.20.30
Sore upper right mouth. Nose bleeding left nostril, taste of the blood in my mouth. Nose tingling right side, top.
11,XX. XX. XX
I felt a twitching sensation around the bridge of my nose.
10,16. XX. XX
Smell
Sense of smell very acute, sharper.
15,03.04. XX
I can smell a toxic chemical smell — is it me?
11,XX. XX. XX
Face
My breathing is fast and my face feels strong, especially the jaws. They feel like iron jaws, then the feeling moves to my throat and then the ears, a kind of deaf sensation.
17,00.00.30
At some point during the night, had a strong sensation of my jaws being drawn together, like an attraction — magnetic, though I didn’t physically clench my teeth. It felt like a strong attractive force between upper and lower jaws. (Cross-ref. : Mouth.)
10,00.18. XX
PAGE 154
Sudden tickling, twitching sensation in upper right lip that lasts a few seconds.
10,00.00.42
Twitching, tingling sensation in lower lip near cold sore (right hand side) that lasted a few seconds.
10,01. XX. XX
Felt a twitching sensation around bridge of nose.
16,XX. XX. XX
Between 2.30pm and 4.30pm, felt a sensation of tightening of the face, forehead, nose and cheeks, like a magnetic force.
10,17. XX. XX
I feel ape-like in my brow, forehead, jaw and mouth. Sensation as if brow greatly enlarged.
11,01. XX. XX
Deep pain above left brow. Heavy pressure on the left side, left front tooth, brow, shoulder, elbow, coming at an angle of 45 degrees.
11,00.11.00
I have the sensation as if my septum was divided and there was a hole in my face from my mouth to my brow, followed by a burning sensation on my upper lip and behind my nose.
11,XX. XX. XX
I felt a tingling feeling in my upper lip and upper palate, lasting a few minutes. Quite soon it ascended to my vertex and seemed to pass out the top of my head. Got a strong impression it just went out the top of my head altogether. I don’t know what it was that left.
2,01.02.30
Brow burning. Face feels burnt.
11,02.15.30
PAGE 155
Red face and red between the brows.
3,01.02.30
Burning red cheeks, yet cold and shivery.
5,XX. XX. XX
Face and ears feel very hot, but objectively they are cool to touch.
14,03.02. XX
Pain in head and face, working its way upwards and outwards. (Cross-ref. : Head.)
11,03.02. XX
My forehead erupted nine months after taking the remedy — starting as little red bumps, dry and sore, almost stinging, like eczema, then spread. I wanted to pick at them. Under the left eyebrow I had a scaly eruption like psoriasis, and under the left eye there was a flat red mark that looked like a minor burn. A friend said jokingly I looked like a leper. It affected me so much I felt suicidal.
8,275. XX. XX
Deep pain right forehead going down face. (Cross-ref. : Head.)
11,04.04.20
Pale and drawn. Dark rings underneath eyes, I look old, contracted, grey, especially in the evening.
6,04. XX. XX
I look old and tired.
11,04. XX. XX
Grey look, top eyelids swollen.
6,36. XX. XX
My face looks pale, no colour in the cheeks, with bags under the eyes.
4,03. XX. XX
PAGE 156
Eyes puffy with tiredness.
8,05. XX. XX
Friends report me looking pale and fatigued.
8,16. XX. XX
Felt as though I was behind (wearing) a mask, looking through two holes. (Cross-ref. : Head.)
6,17. XX. XX
Can feel small lumps like grit under the skin of my neck and forehead. (Cross-ref. : Neck.)
11,XX. XX. XX
Impression that I have a luxuriant, soft growth of beard on my face and chin, like a woman’s pubic hair, although I am clean-shaven. I enjoy the imaginary sensation of stroking it. This was present for many days.
22,17. XX. XX
Increased growth of facial hair during proving, filling out in places where it was absent before. (Cross.-ref. : Head.)
22,17. XX. XX
Mouth
Immediately after taking the remedy, I had the sensation of a space opening up over my palate inside may skull, a feeling of expansion upwards. I could not stay with the sensation but dissolved into it as I fell asleep.
4,00.00.05
The remedy feels warm in my mouth and I have a tingling sensation in it.
13,00.00.01
At some point during the night, I had a strong sensation of my jaws being drawn together, like an attraction — magnetic, though I didn’t physically clench my teeth; it felt like a strong attractive force between my upper and lower jaws.
10,00.18. XX
PAGE 157
Feel ape-like in my brow, forehead, jaw and mouth. As if my brow is greatly enlarged.
11,01. XX. XX
Lips felt sealed together, so as not to let the dark in.
11,00.00.56
Bitter taste in mouth. Back of tongue and back of palate went very day. Salivation increased by fifty percent. I need to swallow more than usual.
6,00.00.42
Woke with dryness of throat, back of tongue and top of mouth, but on waking started salivating in front part of mouth. Metallic taste on eating. Dryness lasted two hours.
6,00.22.07
Bitter, metallic taste in my mouth, like when you touch the poles of a battery with your tongue. Salivating profusely.
14,00.21.30
Salivation more than normal.
13,03.07.00
Metallic taste in mouth.
13,04.06.00
Skin peeling off bottom gum and under tongue.
6,01.32. XX
Tingling left lower lip.
11,00.04.42
Sensation of looseness of front teeth.
11,01.06.41
Pain in lower right teeth.
11,02.05.00
PAGE 158
Left lower teeth unstable on brushing.
11,02.19.00
Teeth lower right unstable on brushing.
11,09. xx. XX
Taste of blood from what seems like a burn in upper right palate, inner part near the gum line.
11,XX. XX. XX
Tongue right hand side edge — sensation as if piece of fluff on it. On observation, red patch half a centimetre in diameter. Looks like a superficial burn — not painful.
6,04. XX. XX.
Tongue dry, hot and burning.
19,02. XX. XX
Notice little white blister on right side of tongue.
13,02.06. XX
Notice little blister on frenulum under tongue, left side.
13,10. XX. XX
Little ulcer under tongue at root, more on left, noticed after eating chocolate cake.
13,12. XX. XX
Skin peeling off bottom of mouth under tongue.
6,27. XX. XX
Soreness right hand side of tongue. It is red and raised — it feels ulcerated but doesn’t look it.
6,31. XX. XX.
Lips very dry and peeling, cracked and red. Quarter-centimetre crack left side of tongue — sore.
6,32. XX. XX
PAGE 159
My lips feel swollen, like the voluptuous lips of a black person.
14,00.01.18
On rising to urinate in the night, found mouth full of blood, possibly from top right gum. Swallowing the blood — quenching thirst — no waste.
11,02.02.02
Sensation of liquid in my mouth, suddenly. Went to the mirror, opened my mouth and it was filled with blood, so much that I could drink it and taste it. There was no injury or blood blister that I could see, it was bright red like a haemorrhage. I rinsed my mouth and it was fine.
4,25.22.00
Constant taste of blood in mouth.
11,02.05.00
My tongue is usually black on the sides, but now is becoming pink and lighter (curative). Gums are blue on their edges and bleed a little when they are cleaned. Teeth feel and look really clean, mouth feels fresh.
19,3-10. XX. XX
I felt a tingling feeling in my upper lip and upper palate, lasting a few minutes. Quite soon it ascended to my vertex and seemed to pass out of the top of my head.
2,01.02.30
My breathing is fast and my face feels strong, especially the jaws. They feel like iron jaws, then the feeling moves to my throat and then the ears, a kind of deaf sensation.
13,00.00.30
Bitter/metallic taste. Dryness of back roof of mouth and tongue. Salivation increased. This combination continued throughout the proving, was agg. on rising and moving around, agg. in the evening, agg. agg. hen talking about a subject I was anxious about.
6,00.00.42
PAGE 160
Burning, red-tipped tongue.
6,31. XX. XX
Gums swollen, enlarged, sensitive.
19,00.11.23
Swelling inside lips.
19,02. XX. XX
Excess salivation and bitter taste aggravated by talking about any subject I was anxious about. This continued throughout the proving.
6,26. XX. XX
Mouth
Immediately after taking the remedy, I had the sensation of a space opening up over my palate inside my skull, a feeling of expansion upwards. I could ,not stay with the sensation but dissolved into it as I fell asleep.
4,00.00.05
The remedy feels warm in my mouth and I have a tingling sensation in it.
13,00.00.01
At some point during the night, I had a strong sensation of my jaws being drawn together, like an attraction — magnetic, though I didn’t physically clench my teeth; it felt like a strong attractive force between my upper and lower jaws.
10,00.18. XX
Feel ape-like in my brown, forehead, jaw and mouth. As if my brow is greatly enlarged.
11,01. XX. XX
Lips felt sealed together, so as not to let the dark in.
11,00.00.56
Bitter taste in mouth. Back of tongue and back of palate went very dry. Salivation increased by fifty percent. I need to swallow more than usual.
6,00.00.42
PAGE 161
Woke with dryness of throat, back of tongue and top of mouth, but on waking started salivating in front part of mouth. Metallic taste on eating. Dryness lasted two hours.
6,00.22.07
Bitter, metallic taste in my mouth, like when you touch the poles of a battery with your tongue. Salivating profusely.
14,00.21.30
Salivation more than normal.
13,03.07.00
Metallic taste in mouth.
13,04.06.00
Skin peeling off bottom gum and under tongue.
6,01.32. XX
Tingling left lower lip.
11,00.04.42
Sensation of looseness of front teeth.
11,01.06.41
Pain in lower right teeth.
11,02.05.00
Left lower teeth unstable on brushing.
11,02.19.00
Teeth lower right unstable on brushing.
11,09. xx. XX
Taste of blood from what seems like a burn in upper right palate, inner part near the gum line.
11,XX. XX. XX
PAGE 162
Tongue right hand side edge — sensation as if piece of fluff on it. On observation, red patch half a centimetre in diameter. Looks like a superficial burn — not painful.
6,04. XX. XX.
Tongue dry, hot and burning.
19,02. XX. XX
Notice little white blister on right side of tongue.
13,02.06. XX
Notice little blister on frenulum under tongue, left side.
13,10. XX. XX
Little ulcer under tongue at root, more on left, noticed after eating chocolate cake.
13,12. XX. XX
Skin peeling off bottom of mouth under tongue.
6,27. XX. XX
Soreness right hand side of tongue. It is red and raised — it feels ulcerated but doesn’t look it.
6,31. XX. XX.
Lips very dry and peeling, cracked and red. Quarter-centimetre crack left side of tongue — sore.
6,32. XX. XX
My lips feel swollen, like the voluptuous lips of a black person.
14,00.01.18
On rising to urinate in the night, found mouth full of blood, possibly from top right gum. Swallowing the blood — quenching thirst — no waste.
11,02.02.02
Sensation of liquid in my mouth, suddenly. Went to the mirror, opened my mouth and it was filled with blood, so much that I could drink it and taste it. There was no injury or blood blister that I could see, it was bright red like a haemorrhage. I rinsed my mouth and it was fine.
4,25.22.00
PAGE 163
Constant taste of blood in mouth.
11,02.05.00
My tongue is usually black on the sides, but now is becoming pink and lighter (curative). Gums are blue on their edges and bleed a little when they are cleaned. Teeth feel and look really clean, mouth feels fresh.
19,3-10. XX. XX
I felt a tingling feeling in my upper lip and upper palate, lasting a few minutes. Quite soon it ascended to my vertex and seemed to pass out of the top of my head.
2,01.02.30
My breathing is fast and my face feels strong, especially the jaws. They feel like iron jaws, then the feeling moves to my throat and then the ears, a kind of deaf sensation.
13,00.00.30
Bitter/metallic taste. Dryness of back roof of mouth and tongue. Salivation increased. This combination continued throughout the proving, was agg. on rising and moving around, agg. in the evening, agg. when talking about a subject I was anxious about.
6,00.00.42
Burning, red-tipped tongue.
6,31. XX. XX
Gums, swollen, enlarged, sensitive.
19,00.11.23
Swelling inside lips.
19,02. XX. XX
PAGE 164
Excess salivation and bitter taste aggravated by talking about any subject I was anxious about. This continued throughout the proving.
6,26. XX. XX
Teeth
At some point during the night, I had a strong sensation of my jaws being drawn together, like an attraction — magnetic, though I didn’t physically clench my teeth; it felt like a strong attractive force between my upper and lower jaws.
10,00.18. XX
Sensation of looseness of front teeth.
11,01.06.41
Pain in lower right teeth.
11,02.05.00
Left lower teeth unstable on brushing.
11,02.19.00
Teeth lower right unstable on brushing.
11,09. xx. XX
Gums are blue on their edges and bleed a little when they are cleaned. Teeth feel and look really clean, mouth feels fresh.
19,3-10. XX. XX
Throat
Sensation of constriction on left side. Cough tickly, duration 10 mins. Dryness at back top of throat, duration 2 hours on waking.
6,00.00.06
Dry tickle in throat-pit, agg. lying at night. Realised had this on and off for a few days. Heard my neighbour coughing, (never before), and I was coughing too while in bed.
3,08. XX. XX
PAGE 165
Burning pain in throat 10pm, agg. coughing, deep breath; agg. empty swallowing.
2,32. XX. XX
Definite sore throat on rising, back of top of palate, agg. empty swallowing. Soon forgot, then again at 8pm.
3,04. XX. XX
Throat feels sore and raw, and my cervical glands are swollen, hard and painful.
10,18. XX. XX
Pressure n throat with anxiety.
6,05. XX. XX
Lump in throat, as though about to vomit.
14,00.00.04
Nauseous, constricted, numb feeling in the right side of the throat, radiating up into the occiput.
14,00.24. XX
Heartburn in throat.
3,00.14. XX
External throat
Strong rhythmic twitching sensation in the left side of my neck, coinciding with similar twitching in my left arm, fold of elbow.
10,02. XX. XX
Stomach
On waking, heaviness at base of stomach — solar plexus area, like a lead weight. Duration one and a half hours.
6,03. XX. XX
Solar plexus — sinking sensation concomitant with anxiety and feeling of spiritual threat.
6,14. XX. XX
PAGE 166
Whilst lying in bed, I have a sensation of gentle rhythmic pulsing; this emanates from the region of the diaphragm and extends to whole torso. This happens concurrently with pulsing in my hands.
10,00.11. XX
The supper I just ate did not stop the vibration, nor did it fill me, but it assuaged my appetite.
2,01. XX. XX
Warm, contracting sensation in the pit of the stomach.
14,00.01.22
I used to suffer from wind in the stomach — constantly belching, with a full feeling in my gut a lot of the time. This seems to have gone now (curative).
2,25. XX. XX
I’ve been burping small amounts of air over the past few days.
13,06. XX. XX
Strong desire for salty and fatty things : butter, cheese, crisps. Thirstlessness was extra marked.
6,28. XX. XX.
Desire for cheese.
7,XX. XX. XX
Desire for bacon sandwiches (I’m vegetarian).
5,XX. XX. XX
Desire for raw meat.
11,01.09. XX
Desire to eat foods that have a lot of sun stored in them, high in energy; date, figs, seeds.
11,13. XX. XX
PAGE 167
Hungry all day.
6,36. XX. XX
My appetite is huge — I ate breakfast, lunch, sandwiches, half a chicken with vegetables, quiche, four huge meals. I love gravy at the moment and especially like smoked meat, like bacon. I feel fat.
3,10. XX. XX
She is very hot and hungry despite big lunch.
19,08.14.50
I’ve been unusually hungry today, potatoes and bread.
12,01. XX. XX
Lunchtime — hungry. Can’t decide what to eat.
13,00.04.00
Definitely only wanting warm food and drink.
3,32. XX. XX
My appetite is reduced, perhaps because I am so extremely tired.
4,04.00.00
I felt extremely thirsty. I arrived at a party and had to go straight to the tap and drink four glasses of water — I couldn’t wait to get filtered water from the hostess.
4,00.17.00
Throughout the proving, very intense desire for fizzy water.
13,XX. XX. XX
Thirsty all day. I’ve drunk a lot of water, juice and wine.
3,00.06. XX
I want to get drunk. I haven’t felt like that for a long time.
12,00.22.00
PAGE 168
Nausea on standing up when getting out of bed in the morning, gradually wearing off over half an hour.
4,19.07. XX
Nausea pm when shopping.
6,45. XX. XX.
8pm — feeling faint and nauseated.
13,12.20.00
I had a feeling of nausea. At the same time, I felt as though I had taken LSD.
12,01.12. XX
Continuous nausea.
3,00.01.10
Slight nausea, aggravated by swallowing.
14,00.00.04
Strong aversion to chocolate, which is very unusual for me. The smell alone makes me feel sick, thinking of it fills me with disgust.
14,13. XX. XX
Horrible nausea, perhaps from eating prawns or Indian food. I had to bend double to keep on vomiting. It lasted two hours and was much worse for standing upright.
3,10.06. XX
For the last couple of days, I’ve had another childhood symptom returning — car sickness. This feeling returned whilst I was sitting in the back of a car and was relieved by opening the window and freezing the top of my head with the draft.
2,18. XX. XX
PAGE 169
Abdomen
Trembling in solar plexus.
6,00.00.00
On waking, heaviness at base of stomach — solar plexus area, felt like a lead weight. Duration one and a half hours.
6,03. XX. XX.
Sinking sensation in solar plexus on frequent waking from sleep.
6,12. XX. XX.
Solar plexus sinking sensation concomitant with anxiety and feeling of spiritual threat.
6,14. XX. XX
Abdomen distended.
10,12. XX. XX
I feel the space in my middle now as if there is a hole there. I can feel the walls of the capsule that forms my abdomen, the inside of the capsule. It feels stretched and tense.
2,01.02. XX
As I breathe deeply into my solar plexus, I start to feel the tension discharging from me in a series of waves, of shocks felt in my gut area. Tears come and this relieves the process.
2,51. XX. XX
Whilst lying in bed I have a sensation of gentle rhythmic pulsing; this emanates from the region of the diaphragm, and extends to whole torso. This happens concurrently with pulsing in my hands.
10,00.11. XX
PAGE 170
My ‘middle’ is dropping down lower; the area I’m aware of now is below my navel, it’s sensitive there. I’m a bit less speedy but the vibration is still inside, a real buzzing feeling going down now into my lower belly and public area; it ‘s as if the bones there are vibrating slightly, subtly and very fast — at a high frequency.
2,01.10. XX
During the night, I felt a sharp needle-like pain going deep into the torso just beneath the rib-cage, slightly left of centre. The pain was not continuous but pulsed every few seconds, lasting about 30 minutes. It’s like a pain that I have experienced before with acupuncture needles.
10,07. XX. XX
Sharp pain in lower right abdomen.
11,04.04.20
Stabbing pain in right waistline.
11,09. XX. XX
Brief squeezing sensation in abdomen. Like a hunger pain.
13,05.08. XX
Cramping pain in right lower abdomen, near groin. Momentary.
13,06.06. XX
A twingeing sensation as if menstrual flow about to start. This was day 9 of my cycle, i.e. not ovulation twinges. Sensation repeated on day 12 and day 19 of the cycle.
8,07. XX. XX
Sharp pain in lower abdomen, groin, then upper front of right thigh.
11,XX. XX. XX
Pain in lower abdomen — inguinal lymph nodes.
11,13. XX. XX
PAGE 171
I felt a pulsing ache in left inguinal region which lasted half an hour, and wondered if this was to do with my lack of period.
10,35. XX. XX
Dull ache in lower abdomen.
11,03.19.00
Pan in nerves in lower left abdomen.
19,02.17.15
Acute, dull, burning pain in the anus, radiating into the lower abdomen. Remains for an hour after passing stool.
22,07. XX. XX
Rectum, anus and perineum
Excess flatulence, agg. 6-10pm.
6,11. XX. XX
I passed flatus all day, about every thirty seconds or so. It was ‘horribly disgusting’, like cabbage or egg.
3,00.10. XX
I went to urinate in the night and passed flatus, realising just in time that a thin, offensive, liquid stool was coming out.
22,15. XX. XX
Intense, dull, burning pain in the anus, radiating into the lower abdomen, remains for an hour after passing stool. Feels as though haemorrhoids will protrude, though I’ve had them.
22,07. XX. XX
Anal fissure; Old symptom, cured with Nit-ac.
2,XX. XX. XX
Stool
I went to urinate in the night and passed flatus, realising just in time that a thin, offensive, liquid stool was coming out.
22,15. XX. XX
PAGE 172
Diarrhoea acute after finishing a meal at a restaurant.
6,14. XX. XX
Bowels feel sluggish — unable to defecate until evening; usually regular in the morning. Sense of not being finished.
10,2 and 10. XX. XX
Enormous stool — about two feet long, unusually solid and bulky, wouldn’t go down the loo.
4,04. XX. XX
Stool more difficult to pass than usual, like having a baby. Hard and dark.
8,10. XX. XX
Although strong urge to stool, had to squeeze it out with my sphincter muscles, and not much came. General difficulty in passing stool throughout proving, had to squeeze it out.
22,09. XX. XX
Bladder
Weakness — small incontinence of urine twice, I didn’t get to the loo quite in time. It felt as though the muscles at the neck of the bladder were unable to withstand the pressure.
6,05. XX. XX
Urine
Weakness — small incontinence of urine twice, I didn’t get to the loo quite in time. It felt as though the muscles at the neck of the bladder were unable to withstand the pressure.
6,05. XX. XX
Urine dark yellow.
14,04.00. XX
I didn’t urinate for fourteen hours. The urine smelled like a horse’s — really strong.
9,00.10. XX
PAGE 173
Urine strong, smelt smoked.
11,00.07.00
Urine smells strong.
19,00.06.30
Urine had a strong, concentrated odour for many days.
22,24. XX. XX
Wanting to urinate much more than usual.
12,10. XX. XX
Urination increased in quantity, usually a sign of my period coming but it hasn’t.
4,22. XX. XX
Genitalia, male
I am feeling very sexual, a very overpowering feeling.
7,06. XX. XX
Ogling at women.
7,13. XX. XX
I’ve been flirting a lot, especially in the shop.
9,10. XX. XX
Two weeks ago I had a vasectomy, and now the scar on my left testicle has gone septic.
14,01.20. XX
Burning at the tip of the penis while urinating.
14,04.00. XX
Extremely itchy testicles.
3,01. XX. XX
That vibrating space that moved from my chest to my lower abdomen is also less pronounced now; I feel it is in my lower belly and in my testicles now. It feels deep inside my pelvis, as if it is sitting just above my rectum. Less strong than yesterday, I feel it most when I stand up, sitting relives it. The vibrating deep in my pelvis made me randy. Masturbating did not relieve the vibration but it did relieve the randiness.
2,02.01. XX
PAGE 174
Genitalia, female
On taking the remedy, I felt sexually aroused and wanted to make love.
12,00.00.00
Vagina hot and dry. Sexual desire for nipples of be sucked.
11,02.02.02
Low sexual energy since taking the remedy. Almost an indifference, Sepia-like, too much effort. Heaviness, dullness, no interest.
3,22. XX. XX
Menstrual period started in the small hours and was darker, lighter and later than normal. Concomitant symptom : bowels constipated; typically they would be looser with the menstrual flow. A sensation of heaviness like being pregnant.
8,28.21. XX
Menses started 3pm (usually start mid-am or midday).
2,17. XX. XX
Markedly more vaginal discharge than usual around ovulation time.
2,29. XX. XX
Strange period — started early yesterday, then almost stopped this morning, then flooded at midday and had big, one-inch, liver-like clots.
2,50. XX. XX
Menses much heavier than normal, lots of blood leaked through my tampon and stained the sheets in my bed.
12,23. XX. XX
Menses arrived 4 days late, and with a fuller and more painful flow than usual for the first day. Flooded in the night.
4,12. XX. XX
PAGE 175
Period started at 5pm — 60 days since last period. There were no signs beforehand.
10,53.17.00
Menses arrived after 3 weeks, a little shorter than normal. The blood was very dark.
4,37. XX. XX
Menses slow, brown, old; aching in lower back. Desire to retain the blood, to drink it.
11,XX. XX. XX
Pain in outer edge of vagina near perineum, in a twelve-year-old episiotomy scar with which I have had no problems for years.
4,01.00.00
I feel as if my period normalised things a bit, but now it’s over the proving is starting to take over again.
4,20. XX. XX
Larynx and trachea
Drawing, constricting sensation in the larynx, extending up into the roof of the mouth;
14,00.22.00
Burning dryness in the larynx.
18,0007. XX. XX
Chest
Heavy sensation in middle of chest. Discomfort goes through to my back under left shoulder blade.
6,06. XX. XX.
Feeling of heart constriction with palpitation.
1,01. XX. XX
Sensation of weight on the collar bone — tremendous pressure.
11,00.01.25
PAGE 176
Lying on my right side, listening, I felt movement on the skin over my ribs as if fur or hair on my skin was touched : a rippling movement.
11,01.01.15
Still very cold inside my chest and upper body, and the tremor vibrates away in there. It feels as if my lungs are stretched too far, they are stiff and slightly painful when I breathe in deeply.
2,00.08.30
Painful chest on breathing in, with an acute coryza. This symptoms got worse until I had a chest infection four weeks later. Chest still painful four months later.
4,35. XX. XX
Lungs feel clear (had been congested).
11,00.00.06
Pain middle of left lung and front ribs.
11,02.10.13
Hot nipples.
11,00.00.38
A hard stony lump in right armpit — painless. Four months later it developed into an abscess.
15,28. XX. XX
Breast is full and heavy. Sensation as if breast separated from me.
15,29. XX. XX
Breast soft and full.
11,XX. XX. XX
Fluttering sensation in left breast, outer aspect, in region of existing benign tumour. The sensation feels stronger and lasts longer than previously.
10,00.07.00
PAGE 177
Sudden, strong, soft, continuous sharp pain in left breast in region of tumour, lasting for up to a minute. This comes and goes all evening.
10,35. XX. XX
Both breasts feel tender and heavy; it is 16 days after my period (i.e. mid-cycle?). Worse for slight pressure.
10,10. XX. XX
Breast is not as swollen and tender as it would have been before menses.
15,01.00.00
Sharp pain in right lymph node under arm.
11,12. XX. XX
Lymph gland in left armpit enlarged and sore. The right side is also sore but not so enlarged.
11,XX. XX. XX
Dull ache under right breast, slightly to the right, also under right scapula; I felt these were liver pains, which was confirmed when they became more intense and I had a dull ache the lower border of the ribs at the front.
8,270. XX. XX
Respiration
My breathing is fast and my face feels strong, especially the jaws.
17,00.00.00
Yawning constantly, every five minutes approx. A feeling as if I was lacking oxygen (lasted 6 hours).
6,00.06.00
Breathlessness.
6,04. XX. XX
Forgetting to breathe — this is much more frequent and intense than normal.
2,00. XX. XX
PAGE 178
Breathing noisy and laboured. I must learn to breathe again.
11,XX. XX. XX
I am aware of taking deep breaths of stay calm.
10,01. XX. XX
Every now and again throughout the night I have to take a deep breath; somehow this helps lessen the anxiety and out-of-body sensations.
10,08. XX. XX
Vaguely uneasy feelings along with slight visual sparkling comets. I breathe hard on the out-breath and it helps calm me down, like sighing but through my nose not mouth.
2,00.05.40
All day, I have been needing to take deep breaths and let them out with a great sigh. It temporarily the inner agitation. The breath comes away in a series of small shudders, as if my thorax relaxes in a series of spasms.
2,01. XX. XX
Cough
Cough from dry tickled in throat pit.
3,06. XX. XX
Cough agg. lying in bed at night.
3,32. XX. XX
I start coughing on and off from a tickling sensation in the rear of my throat. There is no expectoration and this lasts for about thirty minutes.
10,01. XX. XX
Much coughing.
11,02.16.30
Burning dryness in the larynx develops into a dry, explosive cough, agg. 8-9pm. Very heard to control, agg. inspiring cold air, agg. eating.
18,7-17. XX. XX
PAGE 179
Heart
Palpitation after hot meal, then again after hot drink.
6,00.08.52
heart is pounding on suddenly waking from a dream.
10,00.16. XX
Woke terrified, heartbeat clearly audible.
11,00.23.50
Back
On waking at 4.15am, a low heavy continuous ache in lumbar region as if a period about to start. Improved on getting out of bed.
6,12.04.15
Aching in lower back at beginning of menses.
11,XX. XX. XX
Back pain in the lumbar region, took me right back to childhood. Always used to have lumbar pain on waking in the morning. It goes off when I get up and start moving and bending — makes it go very dull.
2,14. XX. XX
Loser back and sacrum feel stiff and cold. Even sitting with my back against the stove doesn’t help.
14,01.16. XX
In the last few days, I have had a dull ache in the right pelvis which got progressively more prominent. This is worse for standing and walking and better for lying down or sitting. It feels deep in the bones. Also lower backache in sacral region. It feels deep in the bone. Also, lower backache in sacral region. It feels dull. Eventually I went to see an osteopath, who said the pelvis had tilted down to the right by about an inch. He asked me if I had been in an accident.
10,49. XX. XX
Base of spine feels blocked.
11,01.00.53
PAGE 180
Sharp pain in the middle of back left lung/ribs.
11,02.15.30
My back is tired; when bent over it is s supreme effort to straighten up. Spine feels tight : when my head is bent forward it pulls the cord and muscles. Tightness across the back and severe tension in back of neck. Have to bow forward. My back feels weak, I need to sit down.
11,04-10. XX. XX
Stiffness down right side of neck.
8,26. XX. XX
Woke up daily in a panic. My neck felt locked, I could not move it.
7,1st 5 days of proving.
Woke in the early hours with pain, as if neck pulled (right side).
7,48. XX. XX
In the evening, I feel weakness in my lower back. Desire to be horizontal.
11,XX. XX. XX
Shaking in my right shoulder, making the top of my body move. A fine spiralling up my spine — I feel an almost unbearable burning as it goes up, with heat in my neck, ear and inner ear.
11,XX. XX. XX
Ache in left and right kidney areas, agg. left side.
6,29. XX. XX
Intermittent pain in right kidney area without any other bladder symptoms.
4,10 months — 1 year.
Extremities
Feet extremely cold all day.
11,06. XX. XX.
PAGE 181
My right hand feels ice cold.
14,00.00.32
My arm feels colder.
14,00.00.34
The fingers in my left hand feel very cold with some discolouration, as if the blood has drained from them.
10,39. XX. XX
My feet feel extraordinary chilled, to the point of being painful in socks and my stoutest boots on a lovely spring day. The chill goes up to my knees at times, while my upper body feels normally warm. I notice this several times during the day, but my feet are still sweaty and damp as normal when I take off my socks at night When I got into bed at 10.45pm, my legs were hot at the top and so cold at the bottom that they were quivering.
4,19.10.45
My third right toe was blue with cold in a hot bath, yet the upper half of my body was hot.
4,31.07.15
Weird sensation, trembling legs and chill in bed all the way up to my thigh.
4,29.23. XX
My feet were far more chilly than usual during the flu. I woke in my sleep with them so cold that I was rubbing them on the mattress to try and warm them.
8,300. XX. XX
Heat in inner thighs.
11,00.00.06
My feet feel as if they are emitting a lot of heat.
10,00.11.30
PAGE 182
A bright red, dry, burning patch on my upper inside left thigh, by the crotch.
14,01.00. XX
Gentle pulsing in hands, which occurs concurrently with pulsing in region of diaphragm and torso.
10,00.11. XX
Buzzing and pulsing in feet and lower legs.
10,00.12.30
Whilst lying in bed when not asleep, I feel slightly out of my body, especially my hands. I know they are touching the bed, but they feel a couple of centimetres above it.
10,00.17. XX
During the night, my hands and lower arms experience a buzzing sensation with a feeling of levitation in my hands and lower arms.
10,07. XX. XX
The under part of my right forearm is vibrating and it feels like a weak electrical current is running through it.
14,00.00.09
Left and vibrating and buzzing.
14,00.01.25
Clickings in left and thumb.
10,00;18. XX
Some muscle twitching in left upper arm in biceps region, around 3pm.
10,11. XX. XX
Shakiness, noticeable when holding things.
8,16. XX. XX
Felt strong rhythmic twitching sensation in the arch of my right foot; it lasted about 2 minutes. Then a similar twitching in my left arm in the fold of the elbow and twitching in the left side of neck. These sensations start and end suddenly. Later on, the twitching went back to the sole of my right foot. All between 2am and 5am.
10,12. XX. XX
PAGE 183
My right knee started trembling as I was falling asleep, reminded me of when I had just had a baby and started trembling with tiredness.
4,03. XX. XX
Jolting in my right leg on sitting still.
11,01.10.00
I have a slight sharp ache in my left femur, deep in the marrow; and also in my left tibia.
10,00.18. XX
Ache in shin and front of ankle. Arms ache. Deep ache at the top of thighs. Wandering pain in bones.
11,02.15.30
Sharp pain upper front right thigh extending from groin. Pulsating, stabbing pain on the top of right foot.
11,09. XX. XX
Clunk in right hip on walking. Clunk in left hip. Heavy in ankles.
11,10. XX. XX
Existing pain in the left wrist bone intensifies for ten minutes, extending towards the fingers.
19,00.00.20
Deep pain in the centre of left forearm, right wrist aches. Pain in joints and in-between. Pain in long bones. Pain in base of right ring finger, contractions felt down to wrist when stretched out. Deep pain in right thigh and left brow. (Cross-ref. : Face.)
11,14. XX. XX
Leg bones aching as if chilled, agg. left side.
19,06.04.00
PAGE 184
I felt a sharp needle-like pain going into my right shoulder, near the armpit This is sudden and lasts a couple of minutes; it feels as if it could be an acupuncture point. Occurs sometime between 3am and 4am.
10,11. XX. XX
Felt sharp needle-like pricking pain in my left leg, on the outside aspect just below the knee; it lasted a few minutes.
10,11. XX. XX
Pain in right shoulder joint, as if a nerve is compressed, worse when extending and raising arm.
14,02.08. XX
Pain in tops of shoulders.
11,13. XX. XX
I am aware of a sensation as if I have pulled a muscle in my right leg, just below the calf muscle. It aches and is worse for movement.
10,19. XX. XX
I woke up with cramp in my right calf, very painful.
4,14. XX. XX
Left hand feels sore as if bruised or sprained, but I don’t remember hurting it.
10,38. XX. XX
Right hand stiff — from bowling. Still weak and bruised pain six days later.
6,41. XX. XX.
My legs and body feel heavy and aching on waking, amel. after movement for one hour.
7,15. XX. XX
Deep, deep pain in thighs and hips as if I have been walking for years.
11,XX. XX. XX
PAGE 185
Feel toxic — ankles slightly oedematous. The soles of my feet, especially the heels, blistered as if badly burned. Fluid in blisters on heels. Have to tread lightly, feet sore. Perhaps I am the wrong way up.
11,XX. XX. XX
Slight pain on walking, as if sprained Achilles tendon on left side. A weakness that makes me limp, and pain amel. for a long walk. No incidents to cause the sprain. Feels weak and strained, agg. sitting around all day then starting to walk. Sore spots on my heels from walking callouses I have on both heels have inflamed a little. Worse left heel, it feels burnt or rubbed sore. I kicked my shoes off and had my heels down on the cold floor. Burning on the outside feels like a friction burn, tingling and burning right underneath.
2,09. XX. XX
My right thumb became hard and swollen and numb, it looked dark and purple and it felt taut but not painful. The sensation lasted through to 9pm then disappeared, leaving the thumb looking slightly enlarged. Symptoms returned in thumb next day but more mildly, no sensation of bruising but looked as if it had been smashed with a hammer. Sensation continued all day but disappeared until day 53, when it returned with same appearance as before at 1pm for a few hours.
8,43.05.00 — 53. XX. XX
In the shower, I am very aware of my short hair and skull, and of the soles of my feet, which have a velvety feeling.
14,00.02.00
Feel my legs are male, hairy and animal, thrust forward.
11,01. XX. XX
Sensation of movement under the skin on right shin.
11,01.19. XX
Great strength in arms and hands. Doing Tai-chi, I feel my feet are prehensile, I felt and gripped well with them.
11,01.09. XX
PAGE 186
Walking like a neolithic man, or a being from another planet, shoulders hunched, head forward, eye sockets deep, tremendous forward power in legs and hips — walking like a man, feel dark and amazing. Left side felt beaten up and battered, now fast and hot, finally equalling right side.
11,01.13.00
Hands feel awkward as if arthritic, thumbs pulled into the palm of the hands, on picking things up.
11,02.02.02
Cut my finger and hand, lost feeling in it, looked as if it was burned by an iron rather than cut. Skin very dry on my hands.
4,03. XX. XX
My injured thumb is suppurating. It is hot on the surface to touch and stiff to move, red around the scars, feels better for cold, worse for water. I squeezed the pus out and it felt a bit easier. Thumb very painful in outside air.
10,28. XX. XX
The back of my right hand erupted in a straight line of red itchy spots in line with the knuckles. I scratched them until they bled.
4,24. XX. XX
Lots of hangnails on the fingers of my right hand, then my left hand, not painful like they usually are.
2,08. XX. XX
Skin on thighs feels dry and itchy, with veins showing clearly.
19,03. XX. XX
Legs, hot, dry and itchy, especially shins.
19,04. XX. XX
Chill
I feel on edge, chills running up my thoracic spine into my shoulders and neck. Tingling all over neck and upper back.
2,00.00.10
PAGE 187
As soon as I move into another room, where the air is cooler, the chills in my chest and back start up again. My neck and the base of my skull are the targets. The chills run up all the way into my head. Occasional sharp pains in the temples agg. left side.
2,00.00.58
I’m going cold, then suddenly hot and clammy, then cold again.
2,00.01.50
Chilly again, worse centre of my back between shoulder blades. If I shrug my shoulders, the feeling of coldness climbs upwards like a thrill into my head.
2,00.05.50
Temperature more stable today but a few chills up the back here and there. I went outside with a big coat on and the chills up the back and into the head started again. It only lasted five minutes.
22,01. XX. XX
Chills in my back, moving gently upwards again. The thrill seems to end at the base of my skull. This lasted a couple of minutes only, triggered by moving into my office is cooler than the kitchen.
2,02.01. XX
I can bring on the chills in my chest and back by thinking and talking about them. This is a mild feeling, not the all-consuming coldness and the ‘thrills of cold’ like last week.
2,08. XX. XX
At a yoga class this evening, I wanted to weep. As we lay relaxing, breathing deeply into the abdomen, I was too embarrassed to let the tears out. After a minute or two of controlling this, I became very agitated inside. I had another episode of chills running up my back and inside my chest and the breath started to come out in great shuddering sighs which relieved me. The whole process took about ten minutes.
2,13. XX. XX
Feet extremely cold all day.
6,06. XX. XX
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My right hand feels ice-cold.
14,00.00.32
My arm feels colder.
14,00.00.34
Fingers of left hand feel very cold with some discolouration, as if the blood and drained from them.
10,39. XX. XX
My feet feel extraordinarily chilled, to the point of being painful in socks and my stoutest boots on a lovely spring day. The chill goes right up to my knees at times, while my upper body feels normally warm. I notice this several times during the day, but my feet are still sweaty and damp as normal when I take off my socks at night. On getting into bed at 10.45pm, my legs are hot at the top and so cold at the bottom that they are quivering.
4,19.10.45
My third right toe was blue with cold in a hot bath, yet the upper half of my body was hot.
4,31.07.15
Trembling legs and chill in bed, all the way up to my thigh.
4,29.23. XX
Perspiration
Perspiration seems greater and stronger smelling than usual.
4,08. XX. XX
I feel more male — strong perspiration, skin coarse, my shoulders hunched forwards, my brow greatly enlarged, great strength in my arms and hands, my feet prehensile.
11,01.07.08
Sleep
Deep, dreamless sleep.
14,03.14. XX
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Feeling unusually sleepy and yawning all the time, which made me feel embarrassed. Slept in the afternoon, it felt good. Last night I slept unusually deeply.
12,01. XX. XX
Sleeping better since the remedy.
19,02. XX. XX
Suddenly very tired — dropped off to sleep for half an hour at4pm.
8,17.07.30
Throughout the proving, symptoms on waking from sleep.
14,XX. XX. XX
I feel the remedy has disrupted my sleep, I awake more frequently, every one and a half hours, and it is difficult to get back to sleep again. My mind is active with random thoughts and even songs.
10,01. XX. XX
Woke in the early hours with pain, as if neck pulled — right-hand side. Feeling restless, woke with sheets all tangled. Went back to sleep and woke up later feeling cold and sweaty.
7,48. XX. XX
Waking at 4am on several nights.
22,14. XX. XX
Constant waking. Woke at 4.15am and lay awake, couldn’t go back to sleep — felt restless, bothered by persistent thoughts.
6,12. XX. XX
I was far too hot al night and woke up many times.
9,01. XX. XX
Woke at 4.30am several times during the proving.
7,XX. XX. XX
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I’ve been very angry in my sleep and feel very angry when I wake up.
9,03. XX. XX
Skin
Third finger right hand — half-centimetre patch of peeling skin.
6,11. XX. XX
Skin tag on back of neck has become inflamed and is very sore to the touch.
6,41. XX. XX
I’ve been itchy all over, but especially on my anus.
9,03. XX. XX
Skin feels dry and hot all day.
19,02. XX. XX
The skin on my thighs feels dry and itchy, with veins showing clearly.
19,03. XX. XX
A bright red, dry, burning patch on my upper inside left thigh, by the crotch.
14,01.07. XX
I cut my finger and hand, lost all feeling in it, looked as if it was burned by an iron rather than cut. The skin on my hands is very dry.
4,03. XX. XX
I cut my thumb and it is suppurating. It is hot on the surface to touch and stiff to move, red around the scars, feels amel. for cold, agg. for bathing. I squeezed the green pus out and it felt a bit easier. It is very painful in outside air.
4,28. XX. XX
The back of my right hand erupted in a straight line of red itchy spots in line with the knuckles. I scratched them until they bled.
4,24. XX. XX
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Small blister burn on right hand, first finger — red, not sore. No recollection of doing this.
5,02. XX. XX
Without any apparent injury, my right thumb became hard and swollen and numb. It looked dark and purple and it felt taut but not painful. The sensation lasted through to 9pm then disappeared, leaving the thumb looking slightly enlarged. Symptoms returned next day but more mildly. No sensation of bruising but looked as if it had been smashed with a hammer. Sensation continued all day but disappeared until day 53, when it returned with same appearance as before, at 1pm for a few hours
8,43.05.00 and 53.13. XX
A painful fissure appeared inside my left nostril, half a centimetre long. It healed after a few days but reappeared 5 weeks later.
22,05. XX. XX
Approximately six spots on the back of my neck — small angry boils.
5,02. XX. XX
My forehead erupted nine months after taking the remedy, starting as little red bumps, dry and sore, almost stinging, like eczema, then spread. I wanted to pick at them. Under the left eyebrow I had a scaly eruption like psoriasis, and under the left eye there was a flat red mark that looked like a minor burn. A friend said jokingly I looked like a leper. It affected me so much I suicidal.
8,275. XX. XX
Accidents
I broke some plates. I accidentally dropped them when I was doing the dishes. I never do this.
9,01. XX. XX
I hit my head as I got out of bed.
3,01. XX. XX
A fan fell on my face and injured my nose.
6,05. XX. XX
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Broke a wine glass.
19,00.19.20
At least three minor burns today, don’t know how I got any of them. Like carelessness, but I’m not pre-menstrual.
8,24. XX. XX
Hit my toe running down the stairs. Didn’t realise a toenail was smashed and bleeding till I put my shoes and socks on some time later.
22,08. XX. XX
Car wouldn’t start, had electrical fault which disappeared later.
My husband had a bike accident.
I dropped a cupboard on my toe, blackened the nail.
4,34. XX. XX
Had a car accident, broke my right headlight. A visitor crashed into my gatepost, broke the front right headlight.
Nanny crashed her car.
Father-in-law crashed his car.
4,40. XX. XX
My kitchen flooded two nights running; the burglar alarm went off with a mysterious fault in the middle of the night twice running; sheets office crashed dangerously off my roof onto the front path two days running.
4,18. XX. XX
As the proving began, I had a series of unusual deaths around me. The brother of a very old friend died of haemochromatosis — a rare disease — at the age of 29, and as the proving began we had the grieving relatives staying with us. On the next day, the father of another old friend had a road accident and was trapped in a burning car. At the same time, my father-in-law had a relapse of his psychiatric problems and went to hospital for ECT sessions; he has had these problems in the past but has been well for the last 8 years. Because of the situation with my parents-in-law, we had to consider selling our house to raise money to help them and this was terrible for us, disturbing, causing much anxiety. The spectre of the loss of security haunted me for weeks afterwards.
2,XX. XX. XX
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Postscripts and anecdotes
Supervisor of prover 1
After the discussion in class about doing a proving of a radioactive remedy, I had the following dream :
When looking into the mirror I found my face divided into two halves — one was normal, the other one was swollen, red and covered with blisters. It looked really ugly. I was quite desperate and thought about asking JS which remedy to take. Then, while unbelievingly watching my face, I realized that just by watching it the symptoms started to fade away.
Prover 2
About a year before we did this proving, I had a dream which I remembered — a very unusual event for me.
I dreamed I was carrying a bomb and I realised that it was a nuclear bomb. It was my job to put it in its place, set the timer and leave. I had the knowledge that I would have time to get away. I set the timer, started to walk away and it went ‘beep beep beep’ — and suddenly I knew that I did not have time to get away, that I had been deceived. I panicked and ran but then woke up; it was my alarm clock beeping at me. I related this dream to my supervisor when she took my case before the proving, without realising any of its significance until she reacted to it.
As the proving began, I had a series of unusual deaths around me. The brother of a very old friend died of haemochromatosis — a rare diseases — at the age of 29, and as the proving began we had the grieving relatives staying with us.
On the next day, the father of another old friend had a road accident and was rapped in a burning car. At the same time, my father-in-law had a relapse of his psychiatric problems and went to hospital for ECT sessions; he has had these problems in the past but has been well for the last 18 years.
Because of the situation with my parents-in-law, we had to consider selling our house to raise money to help them and this was terrible for us -disturbing and the cause of much anxiety. The spectre of the loss of security haunted me for weeks afterwards.
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During the first day of the proving, I broke a glass while washing up. I did not hit it on anything, it just seemed to come apart in my hands. Many of the memories that sprang up in me from my childhood were to do with situations in which I broke glass objects and had to hide them and deceive my parents.
While talking to my supervisor about the proving, on the night before I started, twice the telephone went dead and the lights flashed simultaneously. This happened at the exact same time as one of us said the word ‘proving’. There was a record low pressure area over Scotland then, the lowest ever recorded, and the problem was related to power surges. However, I made fourteen telephone calls that night and the only problems were on the call to my supervisor.
Prover 3
Postscript (5 months after remedy) :
I’m feeling very good — much lighter and happier in myself, like a huge load that I was carrying has gone and I’m freer to enjoy life.
I have just stopped seeing my counsellor (had been going for 2 1/2 years). I started a new relationship 3 1/2 months after taking the remedy and it feels very good deep-down. It’s very different to previous relationships — I’m much stronger in myself, relaxed, and happier to accept who we both are. I doubt that this relationship could be so different if I hadn’t cleared so much stuff just beforehand.
The proving has been a very powerful one for me -quite transforming.
additional Anecdotes
Two hours before proving started :
At an evening class that I was running, I mentioned that I was about to do a proving without saying anything about what the remedy might be. One of the group suddenly said : «I bet it’s Uranium».
I feel things started at the college weekend in December, when we first discussed the proving. For example, things happened in twos — 2 delayed trains; not managing to meet up with superviser twice; went to Norfolk at new Year for a very intense week with group and things started to shift then : I felt as if I had taken the remedy.
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Article in Guardian re. Uranium dump.
04:XX:XX
As rang a friend, she was playing back ansaphone message from me and said : «I can hear you two together».
49:XX:XX
Found out that glass rods are used to contain plutonium in reactors.
Nuclear physicists talk of isolating things and core reactions — isolation and core were both words I used a lot during the proving.
15:XX:XX
I talked to a friend about what pluto represents. I was told it’s about «Sins of our fathers» — burst into tears on hearing this — feels exactly what I’ve been going through, having to sort out the sins of our fathers that we’ve carried. Also about power struggles in families, growing up, clarity, redemption and rebirth, deep -down cleansing. And that pluto energy is seen as terrifying/awful, a big scary monster that we’re plunged into, not out of choice, and that there’s a lot of fear about pluto energy
50:XX:XX
Very powerful session with counsellor — feel it could explain more what this remedy might be helping to clear. Went back to how I felt as a child and messages I got from my Dad — so very heavy. He always talked about bad news. From Dad, I got messages that life is difficult, serious, full of unhappiness, hard work, not fun, sad, things go wrong, others’ pain.
29:XX:XX
Prover 4
I knew my family disapproved so I didn’t tell them I was taking the remedy. It arrived in the post and sat on the piano. I had decided not to take it and had offered to supervise instead. The month between the remedy’s arrival and my deciding to take the remedy anyway was full of accidents, starting with a bread and butter pudding which exploded all over me in its pyrex dish just after my daughter had moved it from the top of the stove. I was burned on my legs and hands but was luckily not cut by the pieces of flying hot glass.
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This first violent accident seemed to initiate a series of household breakages : three jugs, china plates, glasses, and my daughter said there was an evil demon in the house and begged me to throw the remedy away.
Ten days after the remedy arrived, on a violently stormy night, we were burgled and lost all my wedding Copenhagen china which was packed up in boxes for the move; my husband’s coin collection which he had started as a small boy; and his grandmother’s antique Meissen cobalt china, which had been rescued by a family servant from the back of a Nazi lorry during the war in Czechoslovakia.
The day before I took the remedy, I cut my hand in two places.
I had very vivid dreams during this period. I dreamt I was rescuing a homeless child with webbed feet; dreamt of pieces of cabbage-like pus coming from a man’s penis; dreamt of green urine coming from a child; dreamt of being at the North Pole with golden light, where there was a garden with rows of children with wings, like angels in a religious ceremony. Also dreamt of multiple births.
I gave my father-in-law a first edition of Paradise Lost which we had rebound.
Chose a movie which caught my eye, about signing for deaf people. Also chose The Piano, which I did not consciously remember was about a non-speaking person who communicates by notes. A couple of days later I watched the signing video, and the next day (05.11. XX) while I was in a shop I was accosted by a deaf person asking for charity donations in sign language.
02. XX. XX
On my way to the osteopath, I nearly ran over a small boy who ran out in front of the car. A few further on, his younger brother did the same thing and I nearly squashed him too. The osteopath I took my daughter to for neck treatment asked me to sit holding on to my child. She said she thought I needed treatment as she could feel sparks in my central nervous system, so I explained that we were doing a proving.
11.10.00
I saw a plaster bust of Hahnemann in an antique shop. It gave me a shock, as I had seen the dead body of Hahnemann in my dream a couple of days beforehand. My husband offered to buy it for me (for *200) but I refused.
15. XX. XX
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I saw a huge advert in the tube station, with Pacific islands in giant teacups across a vivid blue sea. This chimed in with my dreams of a few days ago and I recorded it in my notebook as somehow important. All became clear six months later, when the French started atomic explosion testing in Mururoa atoll. On the day the first test started, a friend rang to say that a coffee jug had exploded over his legs and that he was very badly burned.
06. XX. XX
Nits in the family. (Six months later, we have been unable to get rid of them in spite of multiple doses of lotion.)
21. XX. XX
Grated my thumb with a greater, almost anticipating doing it.
22.19. XX.
My daughter’s nightmare matched my own. She dreamt I was poisoning her with a white powder and came crying into my bed just as I was dreaming of distributing grey powder and trying to murder someone because I was mad. She didn’t tell me her dream until the next day. This happened again nearly a year later.
23.19. XX
Drove past a comic shop and caught sight of a life-size illustration of a comic figure with two black horns on its head, which struck me as threatening and evil. This feeling was much intensified when I went to see the film Batman Forever. This sensitivity to evil images etc., particularly horns and bat ears, had remained for over a year, so that I got a severe spiritual shock when I went up to the altar rail for communion and the small boy next to me innocently brought his batman doll out.
25. XX. XX
Car wouldn’t start : had electrical fault which disappeared later.
My husband had a bike accident.
I dropped a cupboard on my toe, blackened the nail.
34. XX. XX
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Had a car accident, broke my right headlight.
Visitor crashed into my gatepost, broke the front right headlight. Nanny crashed her car.
Father-in-law crashed his car.
40. XX. XX
Doubleness persists. I keep on seeing sets of twins, two sets at a time, and even quads once. My kitchen flooded two nights running, the burglar alarm went off with a mysterious fault two nights running, sheets of ice crashed dangerously off my roof onto the front path two days running.
Six months later, I found it unnerving to experience for the first time being stuck in panic half-way down a steep ladder-like staircase set into a granite cliff, watching my family swimming happily in the rock pools far below, feeling that the remedy was in some way working out dreams into real life.
One year later I still feel that the remedy revisits me, especially when I am working on collating the proving. There is still a lot of broken glass in my life, with burglaries (four bicycles stolen) and car windows being smashed. I have the feeling of battling in a spiritual way against something evil out there which is actually inside me but not quite part of me. I find it quite significant that my husband is just about to start work on the legal aspects of a radioactive decontamination process, and I hope that the remedy ends for me too.
Two years later, I feel that the remedy worked very powerfully and subtly affected all those around me as well. My two sisters went on a family visit to an uncle and found that there was a terrible family secret that had been covered up sixty years ago : my grandfather had apparently (though it was never proved) murdered my grandmother for the insurance money. He had then tried to do the same with my uncle, who had lived in fear for many years.
Prover 6
Postscript
I feel that the remedy is deep and powerful and it affected me in that way. I had a 15c potency and it reached all levels of my being. At times, I felt as if I had gone down into the deep hidden depths of my essence. The messages of my deep unconscious were brought to my conscious awareness via dreams. There was a heaviness on all levels, mentally emotionally and physically, and at times my inner light was unreachable — feelings of despair and desperation for the self and also the world. Within, I felt a huge separation — a conflict which helped me to look carefully at the masculine and feminine; also to study relationships in my life, especially those with my father (now deceased) and my husband. It is interesting to note that my father worked with the Atomic Energy Research Establishment and my parent lived within the Establishment when I was conceived and during my time in utero. In those days there were few precautions and the workers were allowed to wander in and out of laboratories without protection of any kind. I feel I had contact with this powerful energy even before I had entered this world.
Old feelings of isolation, despair and being alone in the world were re-stimulated — the reconnection with them enabled me to explore and understand them further.
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I feel this remedy was a gift. It opened doors within, allowing me to travel down to the depths of my unconscious — the underworld. Even now I feel that it continues its work, helping me to understand more deeply my essence.
Prover 7
Postscript
This proving has been a profound experience for me. My hair is growing back and I am feeling lighter and more balanced, both generally and in my sexual desire.
Anecdotes
Maureen (my partner) told me that we had an angel in our bedroom. He was seven or eight feet tall and had short, tightly-curled blond hair. He was very still and stayed with us all evening.
15 XX XX
I saw two foxes outside my house. I often see one but have never seen two.
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A close friend of my supervisor broke two precious cups of sentimental value.
18. XX. XX
Received a letter from my sister in which she mentions angels and writes : «You are an angel».
19 XX XX
My girlfriend was given a book on angels by a friend of hers.
21 XX XX
Several incidents of friends of my supervisor breaking glass.
A female friend of mine, who knew none of the symptoms of the proving, read and article on Plutonium and had the following dream : I was in a holiday camp with a woman, I was a man, I was trying to make love to her. I had a very real sensation of handling a woman’s body. We kept being interrupted by her son and his three friends. We carried on kissing and then someone else came in — it was a man who she shared with. We tried to persuade him to go somewhere else so that we could carry on making love.
Prover 8
Postscript
The theme of the proving for me has been connecting and integrating «the source». This was potentised by the week on Raasay.
My parents met as orphans in 1949 : both having very fragmented or non-existent connections with their parents — their source. Neither dealt with these issues, so they were inherited by their children.
My Polish father’s many cousins are scattered all over the globe, and the day after the last London Dynamis weekend I flew to New York to spend a week or so with one of them.
In a totally unplanned way, this trip turned into a quest to connect with my Polish roots. The cousin produced some photographs taken in 1920 of the family and was able to identify every one of them. In consequence, I bonded with family members from whom I have been estranged for many years : as if life’s too short.
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My mother’s family was Scots, her grandfather, born in Inverness, as a gardener on the Isle of Mull and then migrated to England to seek promotion. Her mother conceived her illegitimately and then rejected her. She has never integrated with her source and has been a psychiatric patient for 40 years.
Again, totally unintentionally, my trip became a quest to connect with my Scottish roots. This all came into perspective as I gazed across at the ancient mountains of Skye, aware that we were on the oldest rock formation on the planet and that two or three generations of the human species is next to no time at all.
I climbed to the top of Temptation Hill and found a tombstone with an inscription describing Raasay as heaven on earth, and the name on the stone was my mother’s family name. I feel at peace and more reconciled : the squaring of a circle.
Prover 9
Six weeks after taking the remedy, I saw my cranial osteopath. She reported that my spine and the flow of cerebral spinal fluid was much stronger since the remedy. She said there was far more nutrition — in fact it was almost too strong, too hard.
Supervisor of prover 20
Prover 20 took placebo and experienced no symptoms. The supervisor had no communication with any other prover for three weeks.
Dreams
Two days before the proving started :
Dream of walking through a street where snipers were firing at everyone. Then I was in the desert and the snipers were still there. People were walking along and avoiding the snipers in a casual way and I felt no fear. Then I saw my daughter to the left of e and a gunman was walking towards us. I tried to attract his attention so he would shoot me instead of my daughter. Then he fled and I realised he had seen «my people» walking towards me from the right.
Summary : dream of a casual war in a desert with threat of my daughter being killed.
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First week of the proving — 3 more very lucid dreams.
In 2 of the dreams, I visited a swimming pool which was built on 2 levels.
On both occasions I had to climb up a ladder to the 2nd-level pool. As I climbed the ladder I saw a very primitive-looking girl entering the bottom pool.
In the first dream, the top pool was covered in scum and filth.
In the second dream, the top pool was divided into 2 halves. In the left pool there were fish-like people flailing about, and in the right-hand pool were normal people. The pools were very full but someone said they would soon be empty as «the children will soon be cleansed».
In the 3rd dream, I stool between 2 lakes which were overflowing onto the path.
n the second and third weeks of the proving, I felt full of contentment and good will. Occasionally I felt euphoric, for no good reason.
I went to a group meditation for world peace (first and last time).
4th week — Feelings of stress, being unable to cope and not wanting to speak to anyone. I felt really isolated and low, as if no one in the world was really bothered about me or could help me at that time.
Communication problems — e.g. telephoned my sister for a week without managing to contact her (yet she was in all week). I wrote her a letter and it got lost in the post and was found by the GPO a week later, torn and dirty.
Summary : feelings of great isolation — of being alone in the world and unable to communicate with others.
Prover 18
Postscript
The remedy has exaggerated existing symptoms and brought them to the surface for healing. I now feel «back to normal» but greatly healed on a deep level. The facing of death has dispelled some fears and I am now feeling free, light and secure and integrated in myself again. Hallelujah!
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Prover 23
Remedy, kept in bedroom but not taken. Cured symptom (for nine weeks).
Headache (1) every day, above eyes extending to vertex, with nausea and dizziness, with the sensation as if too much pressure (blood pressure (blood pressure normal).
Neck pain (1) on the right, agg. moving the head.
Back pain, heavy cramping and burning sensation near scapula.
Three days later, on waking :
At about 6 a.m. I woke suddenly to a creeping, flapping noise on the ceiling. Saw a black, hairy animal flying quickly back and forth. A bat? I felt a terrible, disgusting horror and rushed out of the bedroom, to my husband’s amusement. He was sure I was dreaming, as bats cannot survive the cold Scandinavian winter and there are no holes in the ceiling. Plus it was totally dark, so he felt sure I could have seen nothing there. I was sure it was not a dream. Two years ago there had been a bat in the bedroom. I feel a strong disgust for them.
That night, I had a vivid nightmare : I was sleeping in a room with my mother (who died 9 months ago). In the bedroom there was a black, flying animal (a bird?) flying back and forth like a bullet. I felt very strong horror and tried to get out of the room. I awoke (2-3 a.m. ) and felt fear, anxiety. Couldn’t ( sleep again, felt that a bird is a symbol of death. I was there with my dead mother. The atmosphere was dark, heavy, impending. It must predict death, and not a good death but a destruction. I felt sad and despairing and prayed. I suddenly remembered that the proving remedy was in an envelope in the cupboard. Could it be that all these strange things were due to the remedy? I became calm, felt warm and safe, fell asleep again.
For one week after this experience I had :
Neckache (2) behind right ear, sharp and tearing. Shootings to occiput and vertex. agg. ascending stairs, agg. rising from sitting, agg. moving the head, agg. jarring; amel. keeping still. Pressure in head, BP raised (stress).
For 3-4 years I have had a heavy, cramping, burning pain in my left upper back, between the left scapula and the spine. It was related to and aggravated by suppression and hiding my emotional and sexual longings and later on also being under stress, such as working at nights The pain was there several times a week, sometimes, daily.
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After these proving experiences, the pain was gone. A pleasant, light feeling was noticed instead, and previous sensations of itching and dampness became stronger. The pain was totally gone for 9-10 weeks and then returned little by little.
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Toxicology of plutonium
Animal studies
The biological effects of plutonium are determined primarily through animal research. Because plutonium emits alpha rays, which are not known to penetrate the human skin, the greatest damage occurs from internal exposure through ingestion, inhalation, or wound contamination. Of these routes, absorption is less from ingested plutonium, except in those subjects whom have underdeveloped gastrointestinal organs, such as infants.
Inhalation is significantly more dangerous. After inhalation, some plutonium particles are removed from the respiratory tract, but some may remain, depending on the size of the particle the chemical form of the plutonium, and the health state of the lung tissue. Distribution is uneven and results in intense foci of radiation from clumped cells (13, p. 607-15). Insoluble plutonium stays in situ, irradiating the surrounding tissues, or travels into the lymph system. Soluble plutonium, such as plutonium nitrate, is absorbed into the blood stream. There it combines with proteins in the plasma, particularly transferrin, an iron transporter, and follows transferrin’s path in the blood (14, p. 482).
Plutonium is stored in the liver and deposited on the endosteum of the bone. From its position on the endosteum, plutonium irradiates the deeper bone layers and the marrow (15, p. 718). Because of this affinity, plutonium is estimated to be five to ten times more toxic than radium (16, p. 793). As plutonium is released from bone tissue by the continuous process of bone replacement, the liver accumulation of plutonium rises to equal that in bone (17, p. 514). Cutaneous exposure of animals to soluble plutonium results in the eventual migration of plutonium to the liver and one, with a significant amount remaining in regional lymph nodes (18, p. 716).
Osteosarcoma is the most common result of plutonium toxicity in animals, regardless of the route of exposure (19, p. 794). That these tumors are located mostly in the axial skeleton is unusual. Malignant lung tumours, with metastasis to the thoracic lymph nodes are next in frequency. The large amount of plutonium in the liver raises the expectation of liver cancer to twice that of bone cancer (20, p. 514). In all cancers there is a latency in development, with malignancies usually appearing after about one-third of the animal’s expected lifespan (21, P. 18).
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Human research
Exposure to plutonium often is mixed with exposure to other radioactives. In the scarce experimental research on human subjects, exposure solely to plutonium is found in two studies only, one of subjects injected with plutonium and the other of scientists working with plutonium in crude conditions at Los Alamos Laboratory in the early days of research.
Concurrent with the development of the plutonium bomb, from 1945-1947, the United States government investigated the health effects of plutonium in humans (22, p. 1-41). Seventeen patients were injected intravenously and one intra-muscularly with plutonium salts to monitor the urine output and the amount of liver and bone uptake of the radioactive isotopes. The mandate that the research subjects be elderly with short life expectancies was disregarded, and the patients, with diverse diagnoses and prognoses, ranged in age from five to sixty-eight years. Because of the secrecy surrounding the radioactive element, the patients were not told that they were to be injected with plutonium. Nine died of their of their original diagnoses within three years, and the rest survived fifteen to twenty or more years.
Physicians of two patients believe that plutonium was curative to their original diagnoses. One of these patients, and African-American railroad worker, had injured his left knee in which a rare bone cancer then developed. Three days after receiving an injection of plutonium nitrate into the site of the bone cancer, he had an amputation. His physicians believes that the plutonium injection cured the bone cancer, since no metastases appeared. Immediately after the injection, the patient broke out in a rash, and throughout his life he complained of exhaustion. Later, a doctor diagnosed the patient as paranoid schizophrenic because the patient claimed that he had been injected with plutonium as a younger man. This patient died at age 80. The other cured patient also was an African-American male, suffering from multiple fractures and severe internal injuries after an auto accident. He was given a «whopping dose of plutonium… The patient walked out of the hospital several weeks later, giving rise to a long-held belief by some researchers that the plutonium actually had promoted a rapid healing of the bones» (Welsome, 8).
A middle-aged and newly-widowed woman, injected with plutonium, was followed by an interested physician for thirty-eight years. The patient had sought treatment for lack of appetite, hypoproteinemia, and an old acne-like rash over most of her body. With her only son at war, she was lonely and timid around acquaintances and strangers, while rigid and controlling at home. Eight months after the injection, she received a concussion from a fall down her basement stairs and experienced vertigo, unsteady gait, blurred vision, severe headaches, and morning nausea for the rest of her life. When she arose in the morning, the vertigo was ameliorated by raising her head from the pillow before turning it from side to side. Years later, her skin turned brown. Dramatic weight fluctuations, a benign growth on a left rib, and very rare shapes and sizes of red blood cells were observed. Twenty years after the injection and widowed for a second time, the patient deteriorated mentally. Before she was notified that she had been injected with plutonium, the patient began to fear cancer, which deepened into an obsession. For the last sixteen years of her life she was fatigued, chronically depressed, short of breath, and had two lesions in her abdomen and bony growths on both hips. The patient frequently complained of a «burning sensation on her lips and the tip of her tongue», had spasms in her throat and severe pain on the side and top of her head, a prickly sensation in her face, a «creepy crawly» feeling up the side of her face, a lack of saliva and a lack of tears in her eyes. Tremendously anxious and very fussy about small things, she became forgetful and confused. Afflicted by an obstruction of the bowels, followed by a heart attack, a fractured hip and a stroke, the patient died at age eighty-six.
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Another survivor was an energetic, very healthy, and strong fifty-nine-year-old male, whose gastrointestinal organs were removed after a misdiagnosis of stomach cancer. After the surgery and a very high dose of plutonium, he suffered from chronic exhaustion and was unable to work for most of his remaining life. Within ten years, he had marked degeneration of the lumbar spine and disks.
Suffering from Addison’s disease, one of the experiment’s patients had been ill for most of his life. After the injection of plutonium, this man experienced chills, diarrhoea, and lip blisters from sun exposure, and his face turned brown.
Nine other patients with diverse diagnosis of Cushing syndrome, pulmonary failure, dermatomyositis, sarcoma of the knee, cirrhosis of the liver, severe cardiovascular disease, amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, and metastatic cancer of the chin and of the breast died from their original diseases within a year following the injection of plutonium. None of the patients who survived their original illnesses was known to have developed cancer.
In a highly selective study twenty-six scientists who had been exposed to plutonium by inhalation or cutaneous contact were followed for forty-two years (24, p. 131-90). Lung cancer is the most frequent cause of death, occurring in patients who were heavy smokers. Smokers have more plutonium retention because cigarette smoking destroys cilia, which sweep out noxious materials from the lungs (25, p. 482). One worker, who had the highest overall deposition of plutonium, developed prostate cancer concurrent with lung cancer. Of note is the latent development, after forty-three years, of a rare bone sarcoma of the sacrum in a patient who was exposed to plutonium both by inhalation and skin contact. The mortality statistics for this population are equal to or better than that of the general population, exhibiting what some call, the «healthy worker syndrome,» that is, workers selected to handle plutonium were uncommonly healthy with strong constitutions. One critic of the study explains that these workers were exposed to «highly soluble plutonium, which is more effectively cleared from lung than the insoluble particles-50 days as opposed to 500 days (26, p. 516).
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Cancer
None of the human studies documents that plutonium causes cancer, although it is expected based on experience with other radioactives. In the study of the injected patients, one researcher postulates that the dose of injected plutonium was not high enough to produce either bone or liver cancers. Other researchers note that in animals the development of plutonium-induced cancers is late in the life cycle, which when adjusted for humans means that the latency period is scores of years. The bone tumour found in the scientist in the worker study ad a latency of 43 years. Statistically, latency may be skewed by studies which are too small. Larger population samples may show a shorter latency period (27, p. 103). Many formal studies, conducted by government and commercial organisations committed to promoting nuclear energy, are criticised as biased or incomplete in their subject samples, date collection and interpretation.
Anecdotal literature, however, abounds with reports of blood, bone, liver, brain and lung cancers in employees of plutonium processing plants and in residents living nearby. One worker, exposed when a pipe overhead leaked plutonium nitrate onto his head, ten years later developed headaches and seizures from a malignant, inoperable brain tumour (28, p. 161). An unpublished study of plutonium plant workers reveals 25% excess cancers; another documents a high incidence of bone marrow and pancreatic cancer (29, p. 142). A child, exposed downwind from a fire at a plutonium processing plant, nine years later developed bone cancer and died (30, p. 165). A local health department conducted an epidemiological study of residents downwind of a plant, which revealed elevated rates of cancers of the lung, brain, thyroid, stomach, liver, colon, rectum, and gonads, as well as leukaemia, lymphoma, and myleomas (31, p. 175).
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Other symptoms
Overwhelming exhaustion and numbness in the extremities are common in the reports of both plutonium plant workers and residents downwind from the plants. Cleaning up and reconstructing after a serious fire in a plutonium processing plant, one worker began to experience numbness in his fingers and toes, followed by loss of co-ordination, and paralysis in his arms and legs. He died, undiagnosed, seven years after his exposure (32, p. 161). Another worker, who was exposed concurrently to uranium, had stomach problems, fibrous tissues in his lungs and skin sores that would not heal. His daughter and sons, exposed to the plutonium that their father brought home on his clothes, years later developed severe problems-seizures, deafness, blood dyscrasias, neuromuscular ailments, a lack of antibodies and a lack of digestive enzymes (33, p. 154). Living downwind from a processing plant, one farmer experienced exhaustion, numbness on his left side and shoulders, skin cancer on his chest, a growth on his right arm between the elbow an shoulder and had a thyroidectomy (34, p. 175). Workers exposed cutaneously developed fibrous nodules around the site and precancerous changes in the cells, despite initial surgical excision of the contaminated tissues. (35, p. 18).
Genetic effects
The formal studies on genetic effects of plutonium examined those who were exposed to intense but short-term contamination. The genetic damage to humans from long-term, low-dose exposure has been investigated with no formal conclusive results. Reports of congenital malformations, blood disorders and leukaemia in children whose parents were working in or living near plutonium processing plans and nuclear power stations are abundant. Deformities and birth defects in domestic animals raised downwind from one plutonium factory include : «a calf born hairless with a body full of a water substance and a liver three times normal; «chickens with no eyes, beaks like needles, and exposed brains; pigs with hips, ears, and eyes deformed, five toes instead of four and nose and mouth twisted; and colts born blind ’36, p. 173-4). Both plutonium production plants and nuclear power plants release a combination of radioactive wastes in addition to plutonium, so it is difficult to determine which symptoms are solely plutonium-induced.
In a 1992 study scientists detected chromosomal instability in cells that were bombarded in the laboratory by 238 Pu alpha waves. This instability is passed on to daughter cells and later generations of cells and is thought to raise susceptibility for cancers and leukaemia. This study measured the effects of low doses of high linear energy transfer from alpha waves produced by plutonium, while previous inconclusive studies of leukaemia in residents near nuclear power plants have been based on low linear energy transfer, such as emitted by gamma rays (37, p. 738-40).
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Chromosomal mutation translates into birth defects in a study of plutonium production workers and their offspring. Club foot, congenital hip dislocation, neural tube defects, and tracheo-esophageal fistula appeared in children born to parents exposed to plutonium before conceiving. Down’s syndrome, Trisomy 18 and Turner syndrome, congenital heart defects, cleft lip and pyloric stenosis were also present in the populations surrounding the plant where plutonium was the primary contaminant (38, p. 226; 39, p. 243). In another study an increased congenital malformation rate of 14.5 per one thousand births occurred in residents downwind from a plutonium production plant (40, p. 175).