Ignis alcoholis

Ignis alcoholis
Fire
BE NOT AFRAID
You shall cross the barren desert,
But you shall not die of thirst.
You shall wander far in safety,
Though you do not know the way.
You shall speak your words to foreign people,
They will understand.
You shall see the face of God and live.
Chorus:
Be not afraid.
I go before you always.
Come follow me
And I will give you rest.
If you pass through raging waters in the sea
You shall not drown.
If you walk amid the burning flames,
You shall not be harmed.
If you stand before the power of hell
And death is at your side,
Know that I am with you through it all.
Chorus
Blessed are your poor,
For the kingdom shall be theirs.
Blest are you that weep and mourn
For one day you shall laugh.
If the wicked they hate and insult you
All because of me,
Blessed, blessed are you!
Chorus
Hymn

Introduction
Throughout history, fire has been associated with transformation, purification, the giving of life, power and strength, enlightenment and inspiration, the spirit, the invisible energy in life, illumination and divinity. Fire has been used as a means of sending messages and offerings to heaven. It was believed that, at death, a flame left the body. Fire and flame were associated with the heart. Fire can be either divine or demonic, creative or destructive.

Fire represents truth; it consumes deceit and ignorance. Baptism by fire restores purity by burning away the dross. Passing through fire is necessary for the regaining of Paradise which, since it was lost, was surrounded by fire and protected by Guardians armed with swords of flame. These Guardians symbolise understanding, preventing entrance to the ignorant and the unenlightened.

Buddhists consider fire to be the wisdom which burns all ignorance. Christians have the ‘Tongues of fire’ which represent the advent of the Holy Spirit, divine revelation and the voice of God. Of course, Christians also have the fires of hell.

Following the proving of fire, I became interested in the origins of Hinduism. I discovered that it was introduced into India by the Aryan race, who originally came from Europe. Around 1700 BC, near the beginning of the fiery age of Aries, the Aryans invaded India and replaced the existing culture of the Indus valley with their own.

They believed themselves to be inspired by their gods — Agni, the god of fire, and Indra, the god of conquest and domination. The Aryans described the indigenous people of India as dark-skinned, snub-nosed worshippers of the phallus, and they regarded them with contempt. The Aryans believed in purity versus pollution, and they also believed that one could be polluted by people, objects or food.

The emphasis in the Aryan religion was on a successful, happy life in the present and the achieving of one’s purpose. They introduced the caste system to India, in which everyone had a purpose in life. This purpose was not interchangeable. As Krishna said, «Better to do one’s own caste duty (sva dharma), though devoid of merit, than to do another, however well performed.

By doing the works prescribed by his own nature, a man meets no defilement.» These beliefs also resulted in the creation of the Untouchable caste. Untouchables were people who were in a permanent state of pollution because of their birth and occupation. They were outside the Varna Hindu structure.

Preparation of the remedy

Fire is the state or process of combustion in which substances combine chemically with oxygen from the air and give out bright light and heat.
For the preparation of the remedy, I decided to burn pure alcohol. This was the same alcohol as I was using to potentise the remedy, as I didn’t want any residual carbon or other impurities in the remedy.

I used a long stemmed crystal bowl one-third filled with alcohol. I did this in the dark with one candle lit because fire is light and heat and I wanted the alcohol to have the full benefit of its own fire. Having lit the alcohol, I swirled the bowl to allow all the alcohol to come into contact with the flame. When most of the alcohol had been burned, I extinguished the flames and immediately put one drop of the remaining alcohol into 99 drops of alcohol, succussed it 40 times to produce the 1C potency. I then continued potentising in the same manner up to 30C, which was the potency used in the proving.

The proving

Mind
First remedy 8.00 p.m.
A. 1 Driving into town. Dark, wet night. I’m behind another car. (Had taken remedy 10 minutes earlier). Sudden rush of energy up through me. Powerful feeling of power. My eyes suddenly focused on the rear lights of the car in front (they were reflecting on the wet ground.) Suddenly, I saw the lights as the inverted horns of Satan — I was looking at pure evil. I felt possessed. This scared me and I wondered ‘What am I playing with?’ Felt I couldn’t continue this proving.
E. 19 Had a feeling when walking into a friend’s house that it wasn’t me in my body — it was someone I didn’t know — didn’t feel familiar somehow. Also, totally averse to being touched.

H. 2 Thoughts for the day about Right/Wrong, Good/Evil, Light/Dark. Aware of all the evil in the world. Feel we are too slack on it. Feel I really need to clean up my act. Should start with my immediate surroundings. The expression ‘Cleanliness is next to Godliness’ is in my head at the moment.

A Good and Evil seem to me two paths of choices. It is important to strive for the light and shun the dark. Important to avoid anything that throws you into the dark. Alcohol has that effect. I cannot tolerate alcohol since starting this proving. I feel possessed if I drink. I will wake during the night feeling contaminated, like I have put something inside me which is evil. A desire to avoid people and situations which are unclean or untogether. It seems as if these things can rub off on you. Purity is so important — avoid contamination at all costs. Purification is a word that has come forcefully into my vocabulary.

B I feel like I’m standing way above the earth looking down on a cesspool of ignorance and vulgarity, a stab city market place of vice, corruption and perversion. I cannot be part of it — I do not know how to exist in it. My stomach feels knotted and painful. I cannot find anyplace to land without feeling dirty. I feel really sad. I’m just fading away and moving further and further away. Yesterday I felt like a feather — today a feather feels too substantial for me.

A. 2 Visited my sister this morning. Had to wait for her — in her kitchen. Suddenly overcome with a desire for the place to be absolutely spotless and perfect. So I started cleaning, scrubbed the place from top to bottom. Got loads of bleach — obliterate all dirt and possibilities of dirt.

This theme continued when I got home. I had a compulsion to completely renovate my whole house. I wanted everywhere painted white and nice woodwork. Made plans to knock a few walls — wanted more space. Great desire to have everything spotless, spacious and aesthetically pleasing and totally perfect. My philosophy has suddenly become — if you want something done, do it now. So I started painting the kitchen white and I just kept going until it was finished at 4.00 a.m. My energy was brilliant — the more I did, the more energy I had.

B I’ve started doing massive repairs to my house. The back kitchen is being remodelled, plastered, etc. Reconstructing the fireplace in the sitting room and completely renovating one bedroom. Lots of people are helping and I’m really agitated by the chaos that is being created around me.

B My sitting room is nearly finished. I love lighting fires — sitting by the fire, watching the flames. I’ve lots of red, orange and black in the room. It feels like the perfection of my heart.

C I’ve got all excited about doing up my flat.
C I’ve so much energy surging inside, a feeling of holding myself back.

H. 3 Started spring cleaning today. It focused me on the decor of my house — it won’t do. Wrong colours — too much paint on wood. I’ve decided to make a plan and do it properly.

J. 2 Am really enjoying cleaning and scrubbing my house in keeping with my new beginning. Noticing anything red around, that colour will have to go — jars with me. Black is also irritating. Find myself getting really angry with the others in the house who think the place is fine.

G. 7 Got into a cleaning mood and there was war on spiders. Wanted to have everything shining.

J Feel like I’m waging war on dirt.

L. 5 During the morning at work, I had a great urge to remove a large, hanging crystal from the bottom of a chandelier and wash and polish it lovingly. I revelled in watching the prisms of light shining through the newly cleaned drop. I wanted to take it home but restrained myself and put it back.

A I find that activity increases my energy. Even when I am tired and ready for bed, doing anything like bringing a cup to the kitchen gets me going again and I can keep going as long as I’m active. Sleeping a lot less than usual, sometimes no more than 4 hours a night.

A. 2 Woke with a feeling of being born into the light. Feeling of having been in some dark place during the night and being born again to a new day — a new beginning. Brilliant feeling of life and energy. Clear, clean, powerful.

C. 2 I woke this morning with a song in my head — ‘Thank you for the sun’. I’m not able to feel my body — it’s very hard to know where it starts — there is no tension. I’m very comfortable. I’m more used to being aware of the edges of my body.

C. 2 There was snow today. It was beautiful, like a fresh start, a new world, all white and beautiful. I have amazing energy. The snow is making me want to start again.
G. 1 + 1 hr. Went for a walk — beautiful day. Was aware of all the dogs along the road that didn’t come out barking (usually they go crazy when they see my dog). Thought about what a proving of a rose would be like. Thought about all a rose symbolises — love, beauty; closed first, then opening out.

J. 2 Woke this morning feeling brilliant and new with the words ‘It’s a new day dawning’ in my head.

H. 6 Every morning I wake with excitement and wonder. Have watched the dawn breaking a couple of times and each day is like a new beginning — a new day dawning.
A Every morning on waking I feel I have been in some dark place during the night, and I wake feeling like I am being born into the light. Every day is like a new beginning. A brilliant feeling of being reborn and a new start.

G. 3 Finding it very easy to say ‘No’. Bursting into song a few times in afternoon. Went outside to get coat and wondered — if I met a ghost would I jump out of my skin.

A. 3 Strong sense of wanting inner cleanliness as well as outer. Feeling my body should be a clean, empty container for my spirit. See my spirit as a flame that needs space to burn brightly. Bought some Epsom salts (for inner cleanliness). Gave myself diarrhoea.

Have a great desire for solitude to practice meditation.
Evening, Day 3 — Have the evening to myself. Nice fire and a candle and opportunity to meditate. Meditate on the fire — great feeling of tranquillity. Suddenly, the chimney went on fire. Loved the sound of it and sat with it for a while. Decided I ought to do something about putting it out, although I didn’t really want to.
C Strange feeling of being a spirit.

C Feel very still — immobilised. Used the mood to meditate. Got a flash of myself as a Buddhist monk in a monastery. The idea appeals to me.

M Complaining that he can’t stand his house. Would love to completely renovate it. Says he is not a handy person and hasn’t got the money to do it. He seems very irritated by this. Ten days later his house went on fire and burned to the ground.
H. 6 Feel the fragility of the material body. Sometimes don’t notice it’s there. The fragility of life — it could be snuffed out at any time. Very aware of spirit — like a candle in the wind. Needs to be nurtured and cared for.

J. 4 Somebody remarked to me today that my eyes were shining and that I looked very bright. In fact, I feel brilliant. It’s as if the purity of my spirit is shining forth. My energy is brilliant, I can do anything. In fact, ‘doing’ is the thing. Having a sense of purpose. Need to be good, clean and honourable. The idea ‘Death before dishonour’ appeals.

B. 5 When alone, I feel this almost ethereal, spiritual quality about me.
K. 7 I was listening to a patient and felt that my body was very light and that I was floating.

A A sensation starting behind my eyes and spreading back and up inside my skull. Like a slight rawness. Becoming aware of the whole inside of my skull. As if my brain were gone. A really nice feeling of cleanliness and emptiness in my head, instead of having it cluttered up with brains.

Another sensation that keeps recurring is a feeling of absence in my abdomen. A band between my lower ribs and below my navel gone. This happens when I am getting out of bed in the morning. It’s as if there is nothing but a space there. Also a pleasant feeling.

F. 6 Funny feeling in abdomen. Felt my whole abdomen was a box with nothing in it — empty in the middle.

B. 1 + 10 minutes. Feeling as if my brain was washing down into my stomach — a very pleasant feeling. Feel as if my brain was always squashed inside my skull. Now my head feels very clear.

E Feeling of no brain in my head — brain gone — feel clear.
A The sensation of some of my abdomen missing seems to be there most mornings. There is a feeling of weakness with this — like I have no centre.
F. 12 Still funny feeling in stomach — the polo mint stomach — no centre.
G My head was very sore. Forehead felt as if it was pushed in. When I got into bed at 9.00 p.m. , my forehead was the only part of my body I could feel — the rest of my body seemed to have disappeared.

B. 2 Feel very sad. Feel that everyone needs to cry for the world’s suffering — to cure the disease of the world. Tears of purification to cure the world’s ills. A sadness, purification and celebration in the tears as they flowed. The destruction of forests, starvation, war, famine would all be healed if the world wept for it’s own grief.
C Have stopped seeing a lot of people in order or clear my life of dross.

C No pre-teaching nerves. Came in and blasted out for an hour and a half — I had so much energy and information at my command. Could almost feel the class backed up against the wall — like I was too strong for them. face felt very hot and red. felt very powerful.

E. 10 It has started to rain. Thinking about the rain — maybe the world needs to heal itself and the rain is the tears. Thinking of monsoon type countries versus countries with no rain. Maybe some places are healing for others.

E Very emotional — first day of period. Tears very near the surface. The phrase ‘Be not afraid’ going through my head. Looked for the words of the hymn — felt it was relevant to how I was feeling. Second verse (I feel this is where I am) — ‘I need to walk through raging waters and amid the burning flames’.

H. 4 It’s raining today. Noticing how clean everything becomes in the rain — purification. Wash away the ills and sins of the world. Feel overcome by emotion — cleansing tears flowing down my face. Only they are not actually coming out — more internal.

A Out driving with a friend (Sunday afternoon). Stopped at a pub to have tea. The owner was just closing the pub (this is normal in Ireland — it’s known as the Holy Hour). He told us to come in. We were sitting by the fire with our tea. Suddenly, I started feeling really weirded by the place. I felt I had come into a den of iniquity in the bowels of the earth. I was watching the backs of people sitting at the bar with their pints of Guinness and thinking ‘Those poor, unfortunate, lost souls — they are beyond redemption’. I felt I had to get out of the place quickly before I got contaminated. It left me depressed for the remainder of the day. Had to get home and have a bath and try to clean it off.

B I feel a great love for the world. I feel really sad for people who are nasty or aggressive.

H Avoiding people who I feel will contaminate me, i.e. people who are too emotional, slow, dirty, over needy, untogether in any way.

J To maintain my own purity, I feel the need to avoid contamination from others. It’s as if it can rub off. It feels as if my spirit needs a clean, uncluttered space and this can get affected by people who lack a sense of purpose and direction and who go for escapism.

A My philosophy during this proving is that what I achieve during this life is of great importance. ‘I am alive today and will be dead tomorrow or sometime in the future — it is important to be a good memory.’ Purity and virginity are of great importance. A great desire to be again a virgin.

Thinking a lot about the saints — particularly St. Joan of Arc. Imagining myself dressed as a man — at the head of an army for a good purpose.

B Reflecting on my life, thinking of my years in boarding school which up to now I remembered as a dark space. Today I started to think about religion as I experienced it. Being told to read the lives of the Saints and to base our lives on their lives. The saint I identify with is St. Maria Goretti. (Ed. Note: The story of Maria Goretti as told by this prover is incorrect, but is most interesting in terms of the proving.)

Maria Goretti is a young girl with long hair and wearing a long white dress and full of innocence and purity. She glides around her walled garden, carrying a basket, eyes cast down. She glides over to the grape vines where luscious, black grapes grow. Delicately, she snips off bunches of grapes.

Suddenly, from the bushes, comes a half-man half-beast who tries to have his evil way with her. She takes from her pocket a large silver dagger and stabs herself in the heart to protect her honour. She gently falls to the ground. There she was found and carried in a glass coffin to the house where she was honoured for maintaining her purity.
B I love being around people who are energetic doers. People who are not direct really annoy me.

H Thinking about great people in history who are remembered for their courage and bravery and standing for what they believe. People who would accept even death itself rather than bring dishonour or disgrace on themselves and others.

H. 8 The idea of ‘Death before Dishonour’ is making sense. Very aware of the transience of life — could be snuffed out any time. What I do in life is of great importance. The mark I leave on the world is important. Conducting my life with honour and dignity is important as is the avoidance of anything that can contaminate me. Being disgraced or dishonoured would seem intolerable.
A. 4 Very strong sense of purpose. Very aware of having a purpose and of everyone having a purpose. Importance of achieving one’s purpose. Be a doer.

My fireplace needed renovation so got someone in to do it. My sitting room needed doing so I did it. Took out all skirting boards, door. Bought new skirting boards and door (more aesthetically pleasing). Gave away my suite of furniture, bought two years previously, because I couldn’t stand it since starting the proving. Got a loan and bought a suite of furniture that was much more conducive. My family wouldn’t agree to everywhere being painted white, so I went for green, a colour I have developed a great liking for since starting the proving.

I can’t stand red (previously a favourite colour). It reminds me of evil — the devil, etc. Particularly illuminated red e.g. rear lights of cars. I have a pyracantha bush with red berries outside my house — it drives me crazy. I have developed a means of driving into my drive so as not to catch the bush in my headlights; otherwise I would be likely to chop it down.
F. 8 Energy great today. Energy seems to depend on doing things I want to be doing.

F Went to a meeting. Asked a lot of questions to make things clear. I wanted things done and simple and was very impatient with complexities. Spent a lot of time cleaning up things that had been said at a previous meeting.
C I’ve decided now to get on with things. Started thinking about the future — planning (something I’ve always been reluctant to do). I’m looking at my flat and thinking about getting a car. Fantasies about going camping with the kids.

G Got painters in to paint the house. The house is in total chaos. Strangely, the smell of paint is not getting to me the way it usually does.
B I love lighting a fire and sitting by it and watching the flames and cleaning out the ashes. Before the proving, I couldn’t be bothered doing this. Now I look forward to it.

H I’ve got really into my fire — the whole ritual — lighting it, keeping it going, cleaning out the ashes. Up to this I never bothered with the fire as the central heating seemed more efficient. Now lighting the fire seems important, like a meditation; also, tending it properly.

K. 5 Suggested to partner that we have a meeting tomorrow to discuss future plans. Would still like to buy the house we planned on, but am feeling frustrated by the lack of movement.
F. 18 I notice that I can alternate between being very pernickety about order and cleanliness when my energy is good to not giving a damn about anything when I am exhausted after eating. I’ve been doing a lot of putting things in order and planning about cleaning up.

L. 2 Felt euphoric and withdrawn. A feeling of strength. No wish to impress or please — just get on with the day. Seeing other people very clearly — their states and motivations.
L. 3 Woke with clear head — strong and detached. Day went well. Went home feeling strong, clear and intuitive.

A I’ve developed an aversion to people talking about ‘things coming up for them’. Why waste time dwelling in the past. You are alive today and will be dead tomorrow or in the future — get on with life and living.

B Someone wanted to book on for 10 sessions of counselling. Told her she didn’t need counselling — what she needed was to get on with her life.
L. 5 Experiencing sharp, clear memories of past events in my life. I was almost reliving them, it was so strong. Not distressing.
A A total aversion to cats. I see cats as disgusting, rotten, evil creatures.

B My two cats have run away. I’m delighted — I couldn’t stand them being around. I was seeing them as disgusting, dirty creatures.
G This prover was overheard plotting how to get rid of her 4 cats.
H Can’t stand cats since starting this proving.

A Disgust and aversion to my cats. Decided to dispose of one of them. Put him over the wall of a nunnery a few miles away.
G Found the cats had been at the rubbish. Picked up one of them and threw him. He hit his head off a wall — I found this funny.
A Definite need for space and expansion. Find myself getting very claustrophobic in crowds and closed spaces. Today I was in a multi-story car park and had to slow on one of the ramps. I could feel the whole place closing in on me. I felt like screaming and screaming, but controlled myself.
B Can’t stand people clinging on to me or being needy. I feel I’m being smothered. My son sits on top of me. I’ve been pushing him away. I feel panicky. Can’t stand anything too close to me.
A Feeling of suffocation after eating — with intense heat.
H More need for space around me. Avoiding crowds. Claustrophobic in small spaces. Feeling of not being able to breathe.
K. 11 Everything seems clean and clear, though the weather is dull. Had an idea this morning that I would take over the room next door which is being vacated today.
B Can’t stand being around people who are loud and aggressive. Was invited to a party. The idea was outrageous to me. People drinking alcohol, laughing, etc. is beyond me.
I love being alone — couldn’t handle a crowded place. Alone, I can listen to the wind blowing in the trees and the chimney.
K. 11 I know we have visitors at home and I am reluctant to go back. I am enjoying being alone and keep finding things to do to avoid going home.
F. 1 While standing at a bar, was surrounded by people — I found this very difficult to handle (very unusual). Also unusual was that I was finding the smoke in the bar very annoying.
E. 1 Very impatient in traffic and queuing.
E. 2 Very critical of others. Feel I am very serious.
G. 9 Was very annoyed. When I got home, didn’t want to talk to anyone.
E. 6 Feel nerves are frayed. Very irritated at work. Better after eating. Felt a fit of rage today at what I felt to be an injustice.
E Still very irritated. Very stressed and easily angered — no patience. Frustrated at work. Nerves feel on edge. Eating seems to alleviate the stress.
G Very irritable — least thing annoys me. Concentration is bad.
E. 9 No patience with what I see as the stroppiness of teenagers. In class, told them I was fed up with their lack of interest. My attitude now seems to be, ‘If you haven’t brought in your stuff, then we are not doing it today.’ Before, I would find a way around it.
G Have been very irritable — hopping off my son all week. Felt he was very arrogant. He wouldn’t do things my way.
E Frivolous chat makes me angry. I have an intense feeling of loneliness.
E Feel socially I need a change of scene — I would like to broaden my circle of friends with more active people who would be adventurous.
E Feel lonely with sadness. This seems to be emphasised on Sundays.
E Don’t want conversations unless I’m going to be really listened to. But need to feel this before I will bother.
E Very impatient with people — want things to move faster.
G Had a row every morning with my son about getting him up for work, about having news or soccer on in the car. Couldn’t bear to listen to talking. Felt dead for about half an hour after getting up. Didn’t want to be up — to have to function. I would say whatever came into my mind. Couldn’t stand anyone who didn’t do or say exactly as I wanted.
G. 4 Feel great, energy great. Went out to feed the cats — found they had been at the rubbish. Hurled one of them out of the way.
Was singing all afternoon.
A door banged after me at work. Someone remarked about me banging doors and causing cracks in walls. I asked them if they would like a few more cracks.
K. 9 Very angry with family today (first day of period). Wanted to be solitary and could not be. Got angry with our young dog who would not walk to heel.
F. 1 More impatient and direct.
F. 6 Very tetchy all day — giving out to anyone who comes near me. At one stage telling someone to get the hell out of my office. The last few days have been about contact and boundaries.
A Was putting a pane of glass in my front door. Cracked the glass — got into a rage about my own stupidity. Hit the door with the hammer — broke a bit of the door. Went raging around the house. Nothing would do but to get a new door. Calmed down a while later when a carpenter friend told me he could splice a bit into the door and it wouldn’t be noticed.
F. 3 I have a feeling of detachment and ‘not suffering fools gladly’. The latter was noticeable enough to be brought to my attention by a colleague at work. I’m definitely more at home with silence.
B A feeling of silent rage building up in me when out with friends who seemed to be becoming noisy and boisterous. I wanted to chat in an ordered manner and they were spoiling my night out. Next morning, I woke very angry about the previous night. Felt my heart was going to explode and was trembling all over.
B I’m very critical of people, especially needy people — I find them very irritating. I feel I’m right — there is a proper way to be. I only want to be around people who are like myself.
F Very busy at work. Very irritable at what I see as others messing.
H Very clear headed. See things very clearly. Absolutely no doubt about my rightness.
B Panicky feeling all day. Trembling all over.
B Fear of getting heart attack — with pain in chest and down left arm.
B Find myself being sharp with people, saying things the way they are without beating around the bush. Nobody seems offended by this. (Ed. Note: Friends of this prover said they were terrified to say anything out of line to this prover during the proving.)
C Can’t stand my daughter’s weepiness or neediness. I have a really strong temper.
A I feel brilliant most of the time. Lots of purpose and direction. Very active, doing and achieving. Important to have a goal. Going from A to B in a straight line. I get extremely angry if anything gets in my way or inhibits me in any way. Very angry if I watch someone doing anything in a slow or inefficient manner. Would feel like grabbing it and doing it myself.
I find myself being very direct — say it as it is.
B I have great difficulty relating to certain persons, especially people who are resentful or have emotional responses to things. I don’t understand where they are coming from. It’s like a moral or spiritual superiority — a feeling I’m above all this. During the week I had a disagreement with a business partner. She overreacted in an emotional manner. I felt contemptuous of her and felt ‘I don’t need this’. I could not tolerate her overt display of emotions. Why can people not sort things out in a civilised manner, with dignity and respect?
C Met a woman today who was gushing all over me. I felt really irritated by her silly manner.
C Really irritated by inefficient people.
G Very restless in the afternoon. Keep shifting and wanting to walk around and move.
A Easily startled. Jump very easily if someone takes me by surprise.
B Startled when anyone comes, even when I’m expecting them. It’s as if they come suddenly into my consciousness. I suppose I’d be stuck inside my own private thoughts and they would startle me out of it.
B I get very excited about things, although others are telling me I look very calm. I feel very excited and elated and brilliant.
B I get sudden drops in energy and virtually can’t stand up.
G Noticed I was very careful crossing the road. Expected a car to come charging for me.
G One or two conversations, I felt they were over my head — wasn’t connected at all.
H Feel distracted in conversation — can’t take in what’s going on.
B Keep forgetting what I’m going to say. Start a sentence 3 times and can’t remember the rest. I’ve noticed a few times that I don’t know what people are talking about. It’s like I hear from the middle of one sentence to the middle of the next. So what they are saying makes no sense.
K. 4 Can’t concentrate on patient’s notes. No confidence in prescribing. Feel out of focus.
A I love being outside in any weather. Love the space and movement. Can feel the purifying effects of rain, the purifying effects of wind and of the sun. Weather and nature I feel completely at one with. I have noticed that I have lost my fear of thunderstorms. Contrary to what I normally do, I went out in a couple of thunderstorms recently and felt extremely exhilarated, watching the lightening and listening to the thunder.
B I’m lying in bed watching a tree through my bedroom window. It is blowing in the wind. The wind and tree are in perfect harmony — the tree moving to the rhythm of the wind, The sky, the tree, the wind are just one. The wind is an invisible dynamic force that creates movement. All dynamic force is invisible, but we can see its effect all around, if there is no hustle and bustle.
B I have no sense of humour.
C Heavy and tired all day. There is a big storm outside — afraid to go out. Don’t want to let people down but am terrified to go out.
C Power cuts this evening. Felt calmer with candle light instead of having to look at the thunderstorm. Got less tired.
C Very low energy — no interest in anything. Feeling that everything is going to change. I feel that if I was doing something, I’d feel better, but haven’t got the energy to start.
G. 10 Concentration difficult. Fear of crossing roads gone.
Dreams
A. 1 A dark, wet night. A massive invasion of evil looking bats with cats’ faces, coming out of the sky and onto the ground.
B. 3 I was at a ceremony for people being conferred with PhD’s. It was being held in a field on a beautiful, sunny day. There was a large green around the field. On the left of this stood a woman. She was very tall and in her late 50’s, with fair hair. With her was her daughter who looked very similar but older than her. The mother was receiving her PhD for her contribution to the sadness of the earth. She had worked tirelessly all her life healing the world’s sadness. The daughter looked old because through her life she had felt the grief of her mother’s work. She had spent the whole of her life crying and loved and admired her mother. I was crying too. It was a beautiful feeling as we watched the mother go up to receive her doctorate. It was the highest accolade of honour. Everybody wept tears in admiration for her and her work.
On the right side of the mound was a woman who worked equally tirelessly. She had worked out many mathematical formulae to find solutions to the world’s grief. The whole experience was very moving and purifying.
B I get a heart attack — terrified I was going to die. Had to go to the hospital — a place of comfort and rest. I was dripping blood from my heart down my white dress. I wanted to bring my youngest son with me so that he would know what was happening and not feel guilty afterwards. He was watching TV and obstinately refusing to leave it. I had a dilemna — I didn’t want to die in front of him in the house and I didn’t want to leave him alone.
I woke up terrified and had to leave the light on.
B My house was overrun by cats. they were rushing around everywhere in the house. Eventually, I got them out. I was lying in bed and felt something under me — it was a dead rat. I woke up disgusted and nauseated.
C. 1 Dream of candles and spheres — somehow the essence and meaning of life.
C Dreams of old silver belonging to the World of Homoeopathy. I was responsible for it. It was stolen. When I saw it displayed in a shop window, I had no proof of ownership and couldn’t get it back.
C Homoeopath kidnapped and taken to Mexico. I am the only eyewitness and am brought in to save the day.
C In a hotel with pools dimly lit. I’m in a pub — told I can’t finish my tea. Met a guy I liked, talked and kissed him. Then it’s daytime. I’m at a window looking out at two beautiful babies gurgling on an open platform. Nobody is worrying about them. Parents were packing to leave. There is a case shaped like a coffin. A car like a hearse stops — it’s friends of mine. I get in.
Back at the hotel, I meet the guy again and he rejects me. I’m responsible for a key to a friend’s flat. They ring the hotel saying they have been back there in the morning and where am I.
C Dream about a vampire.
C Dream I’m in some kind of school or institution. Everything appears yellow because of lamplight outside. The fields are ablaze — it’s like the whole world is on fire.
C Dreamed that a friend was involved in making a Neil Jordan film called ‘Interview with a Vampire’. It was being shot in an old wood mill. On the first day of shooting, a fire alarm went off. I was worried but everyone else was calm. I had a small part in the film but I wanted to get a bigger part but I didn’t have a right as I had done none of the organising.
E Dream — vision of Unicorn riding into the sunset. Could see his shadow and horn against a backdrop of red sky.
E Dreams of her car being stolen.
E Dreams of buying house. Dreams of selling house.
G Dream of Aran Islands. Was told that a friend had two babies and was living on a hill overlooking everything. Rowing boat and two men dropped me off at another island. Everything was beautiful, peaceful and happy.
G Man was giving out to me for not phoning back. He had rung a few times to make an appointment. He told me to check my answerphone. I was amused because the answerphone doesn’t hold messages. I panicked because I had 4 patients and 5 others, which makes 9. Didn’t know how I could cope. I felt the man was telling me I was irresponsible.
K. 2 Dreams of silver fish.
K. 4 Dreams of goldfish — the tank needed cleaning and I had to take the fish out. There were so many of them that I had trouble getting them into the bowl and they were thrashing about.
K. 5 Cream of train journey.
H. 7 Dream of a journey.
K Dream of great expanse of silver sea.
F Dream that at work I was due to meet some foreigners in the seminar room. When I got to the room, there were some ‘outside’ people already there. I got agitated and set about getting them out of there.
A. 1 (Second Proving) Dream I took a group of my friends to Purgatory. It was a large, stone building in space, very dark, shiny damp. I had brought the group there for the purpose of doing something to get the souls out of purgatory. We were standing in a group just inside the entrance. I explained to the rest of them our purpose. I suggested that we pray for the souls and recommended that we say a traditional prayer. I stated that the Lord’s Prayer was the best as it was a very powerful prayer. We all started reciting this prayer.
After this, I wandered through Purgatory on my own. I met a woman (a spirit), young, with dark, medium length hair. She seemed familiar. Then she left and a man joined me (also a spirit). I asked him. «Who is the woman?» He said, «She is your sister who was born 2 minutes before you.» I told him this was impossible, as I was not one of twins. I then asked him if it was my aunt who died at the age of 15 (in reality, I was given the same name as her). He said, «Yes, that’s it.» I thought he was a bit flippant, so I asked him what she had died of. He said, «Pneumonia! Diphtheria! The Plague! Something they died of back then. It doesn’t matter — she died anyway.»
I continued through Purgatory and met another man (another spirit). My purpose now became to get this second man and the woman out. This was difficult, as I could not get them out the way I came in because they were spirits. So I was trying to find a way out. I was aware that I just needed to get them outside, after which they would be able to move on and reincarnate. But the place was manned by Ghostbusters. These beings could not do anything to me, but they could to the two spirits. The dream became fraught with searching for a way out. Going down dark passages, crawling through very low doors and not finding a way out.
I woke up feeling very frightened and wanting light.
A. 2 (Second Proving) Dream I was back in my home town visiting the house I was brought up in. I went into the sitting room. My father was sitting beside the fire (he has been dead for 29 years). My mother was beside him and the remainder of the family were there too. I was standing back looking at my father. He looked 91 (the age he would be if he were still alive) and his cheeks were rotted. As I looked at him, I got into a rage and wondered what the hell he was doing there. I thought to myself, «He is not here — so what is he doing here — he has been dead for 29 years.» I was also angry as the rest of the family were sitting around having a very superficial conversation. I walked out of the house and into a type of large, empty warehouse. My father followed me. I was angry and asked him what he was doing here, since I knew he wasn’t really here. I reminded him that I had met him 14 years after he died and on that occasion he had told me he was moving on and knew where he was going to be born again. I now asked if this was true and he said yes. I asked him if it was true that he was not really here now and he said yes. I the had a surge of guilt about my wanting now to get rid of him. So I gave him a big hug. I stepped back and looked at him. The rot in his cheeks had healed and his skin looked very clear and smooth. Then I said to him «This is the last time I am coming to this house.» He agreed with me.
Head
E Scalp itchy.
C Sharp pain in temples
K. 2 Bad headache left temple — sharp.
L. 2 Woke with heavy head and nausea — headache across both temples, lasted all day.
G. 7 Dull ache centre forehead.
H Head heavy in the morning.
J Pain in both temples.
G My head was very sore. Forehead felt as if it was pushed in. When I got into bed at 9.00 p.m. , my forehead was the only part of my body I could feel — the rest of my body seemed to have disappeared.
Eyes
E Dry feeling in eyes — like dryness in sockets
G Eyes feel as if they have been drawn back in head.
A. 1 Eyes running, watery 1 hour after remedy.
A. 2 Eyes stinging and watery
K. 2 Puffiness under left eye.
K. 3 Bloating under both eyes.
K. 7 Notice that I have puffy eyes most mornings.
Ears
E Buzzing in ears 1.00 p.m.
Nose
C Very runny nose — clear discharge
E. 5 Watery, clear discharge from nose in the morning.
K. 8 Had slight, left-sided nose bleed.
G. 8 Snuffles in nose — as if pepper in it.
A. 2 Clear, watery discharge, profuse from nose
H. 3 Stinging feeling in nose with running, watery discharge — lots and lots.
Face
E Itch on bridge of nose
A Very pale face at times.
B I look very pale.
H Face very flushed and very red after eating.
A Getting extremely hot and flushed after eating. My face goes bright red and I feel I can’t breathe. All ameliorated walking in the open air.
Mouth
E A blister on tongue after eating spicy food.
Throat — internal
G. 1 Burning feeling in throat, with taste of peppermint.
Throat external
C Constriction around my neck on waking.
J Neck feels constricted in the morning.
C Tension in my neck.
Stomach
B. 1 Nausea.
L. 2 Wake with strong feeling of nausea.
G. 10 Nausea in afternoon. Didn’t feel like eating when I got home. Later had a meal and felt OK afterwards.
B Stomach very acidic — sick feeling all day.
C Stomach feels uncomfortable — empty. Flatulence and belching which relieves the discomfort in the stomach.
G. 1 Dull ache in stomach. Feeling in stomach of a heavy weight — as if trousers too tight.
F Very bloated after eating. Have to loosen clothes.
G Felt sick around 5.00 p.m. Couldn’t eat when I got home. Couldn’t bear clothes touching my stomach. Went out for a meal later, just had a small snack.
F Notice that I can’t bear anything restricting my stomach. Have to open my belt to the fullest extention — even though I wonder where my middle is sometimes.
G Pain in stomach as if weight on it.
B Stomach rumbling.
E Cramping pain in stomach.
Abdomen
H Distended abdomen after eating — have to loosen my clothes.
F Abdomen bloated after eating.
K Bloated abdomen — menses started next day.
Bladder, urination
E. 1 Urination frequent and scanty.
C Urination frequent. Although urinating before sleep, I still wake with a full bladder.
E. 3 Urination frequent.
K. 8 Noticed around 10.30 a.m. I am desparate for the loo as my bladder is painfully full.
J Urination frequent.
E. 11 Weakness of bladder. When I need to go, it happens suddenly and I need to go quickly.
Female
A Menses. Very heavy flow. No build up. No sensation of period starting. Started very heavy and continued for 5 days.
B Period came. No PMT or swelling of breasts, which would be usual for me. Got a sharp pain in lower back at onset of period. My body feels quite stiff all over.
J Period with no warning. Much heavier than normal. Lasted six days. No discomfort.
K. 9 Menses started. Very heavy flow with abdominal cramping.
C. 1 Flickering pain in right ovary — on off, on off.
A. 2 Pain in right ovary — on off, on off — lasted for 5 hours — also quite sharp.
Chest
A A lot of oppression in centre of chest. Feel a lot of oppression in heart area. painful sometimes — sore. Pulse rapid at times.
B. 1 Could feel my heart thumping and going faster.
E Fluttering in heart region. Pulse rate quicker.
H Fluttering in top of chest.
H Pain and oppression in heart area.
E. 2 Jab of pain in heart region.
E. 3 Chest feels expanded — bra tighter.
E. 7 Felt my heart beating faster — 7.00 p.m. Sitting didn’t help.
E. 8 Jab of pain in heart region with fluttering 7.30 p.m.
E Sensitive feeling in centre of chest — sore to touch.
E Sternum sore to touch.
B Dull pain in left side of chest extending to left shoulder.
B Chest area tingly and warm.
B Dull pain in left chest and down left arm.
B Pain in chest extending down left arm with numbness in left forearm and numbness in left little finger,
Back
B Pain in dorsal region of back extending to stomach. Back feels weak.
C Tension in my back.
C Dull pain in lower back.
G. 7 Pain in lower back since 7.00 p.m.
G. 9 Tired pain in lower back all day — while sitting. Motion ameliorated.
H Weakness and aching in my back. Better from walking or motion.
Extremities
B Sharp stabbing pain in right shoulder.
C. 1 Flickering pain — inside left elbow. Like on, off, on, off.
E. 6 Pulsating in deltoid muscle of leftn arm with sharp, intense pain
G. 7 Sharp pain under right arm — disappeared on movement.
C Flickering pain in fingers.
G. 10 Pain in left hip. Dull ache when sitting. Not there when moving around.
E Rheumatic pains in hips, legs and ankles — ameliorated by heat.
G Dull ache in left hip all week — noticable when sitting or relaxing.
E Stiffness top of left leg.
E Heaviness of legs.
G. 1 Top of legs and back of knees very stiff after walking.
E Stiffness of left instep — feels like a crack in the bone.
E Insteps stiff.
K. 9 Legs and ankles puffy (menses started next day).
C My feet are very hot and swollen in my shoes.
G Itchy eruptions on hands.
K. 7 Removing rubbish — felt a sharp burning pain — middle joint of right thumb. When I looked, 2 or 3 blisters were erupting. Couldn’t find anything which would cause such a reaction.
Sleep
F Waking very early — 4.00 a.m.
A Waking very early in the morning.
G Difficulty getting out of bed in the morning.
L Very tired in the morning.
F Went to sleep 8.30 in the evening — very tired.
H Sometimes find it very difficult to slow down and go to sleep. A number of times it has been 4.00 a.m. before I can get to sleep.
A A lot of nights, not getting to sleep until 4.00 a.m. But also waking early. Generally not aleeping more than 4 to 41/2 hours.
C Very tired in the mornings — difficulty getting up — as if I haven’t slept properly.
F Very sleepy after eating.
H After eating, feel like sleeping. My choice is to lie down and sleep or go out for a walk — either works.
A Weakness after eating. Wiped out — start falling asleep. Have to get out in the air and walk.
Perspiration
C Sweating and trembling with urgent need for food.
A Get extremely hot, sweating and trembling with sudden hunger. Eating ameliorates.
H Sweating, trembling — have to eat.
A Perspiration with flushes of heat.
E Perspiration smells of onions.
A Perspiration with anxiety.
J Bursts of anxiety with sweating and intense heat.
Generalities
A. 1 Had burnt middle finger on left hand on cooker, day before starting the proving — painful and blistered. Completely cleared with no trace within 2 hours of starting the proving.
J Had burn on hand since couple of days before the proving. Cleared completely after starting the proving.
A Weakness after eating. If I eat a meal, I feel completely wiped out. Start falling asleep. Have to get out and get air and walk. This definitely improves it. Also, getting very hot and flushed after eating. My face goes bright red and I feel I can’t breathe. All ameliorated by walking in the open air. Find that eating small amounts frequently works.
B Very tired all the time.
C Very tired in mornings. Difficulty getting up — as if I haven’t slept properly.
A Faint feeling with need for food — trembling of hands and legs and sweating. Need to eat in a hurry. Exhausted after eating — sleepy and intensely hot.
G Very tired on waking. Had to drag myself out for 11.00 a.m. This didn’t slow my ‘Get into a cleaning’ mood.
C Very tired on waking, sluggish. Like a zombie all day. Not able to move quickly — often sitting down.
C I’ve so much energy surging inside, a feeling of holding back.
F. 6 Energy has been very up and down. Can be very energetic doing work around the house and not be tired in the evening and keep going. On the other hand, I can be exhausted and go to sleep at 8.30 p.m. and sleep long.
H Very flushed with very red face after eating. Can either fall asleep or go for a walk. Get exhausted also after eating. Energy returns after walking.
F. 7 Energy went down in the afternoon after eating lunch and also felt very hot after eating.
F My energy is going down and up in sudden bursts.
C Sudden sinking of strength as if I’m going to faint. Like all the blood drains from my head. Empty feeling in stomach. Sudden need for food with trembling of hands and legs, with sweating.
F. 9 Had a sandwich this afternoon — almost fell asleep after it. When I got out in the air, felt better.
H Feel strange if I’m hungry — like I’m going to faint. Trembling, sweating. Have to eat. After eating, exhausted and very hot, burning. Need air.
F. 14 After a sandwich, energy went right down. Got very hot and uncomfortable driving the car. It was as if I were burning up the food. I have noticed after eating that walking in the open air gets rid of the uncomfortable heat and brings my energy back up.
A Heat in flushes, particularly after eating, But at other times as well. Need air and movement.
C I’ve had several hot flushes with sweat — very sudden. Very uncomfortable and sticky. My feet are also very hot and swollen in my shoes.
A Pulse rapid at times.
E Pulse rate quicker.
J Very quick pulse.
A No difficulty adjusting to temperatures. Can be sitting near the fire and not feel over-heated. I can then go out into the frost without adding any clothing and still feel comfortable. I seem to feel warm and comfortable all the time — except if I eat a meal. So I just eat small amounts frequently and that works.
C Went out in the snow — felt really good — not cold. Saw someone shivering. I felt really comfortable — not feeling the cold like I usually do.
K Not feeling the cold like I usually do, although there is frost and snow.

My thanks to Jenni Tree for the following notes, taken on a month of Fire LM1.
The remedy was taken daily, two drops in the morning and another drop two or three times during the day as I remembered.
Felt an emotional stability in the Hara/Solar plexus area. Like a warm glow, a flickering flame of well-being.
Felt rather distanced — as if I couldn’t quite grasp any emotions. As if I didn’t need to talk about anything — it was all OK.
Great need to dye hair blonde, which didn’t work as it’s too dark, so I ended up light brown.
Even greater desire to buy red dress, red jeans. Resisted this, as I look awful in red, but it was very difficult. Ended up buying pink, and knowing that I had watered myself down — that I was far less powerful in pink, and that I should have bought terracotta or brick red.
Weak after eating, just sat around instead of getting on with something.
Became terrified of putting salt on food. I’ve always loved salt and used a lot of it.
Felt that salt would poison me, burn my insides, and shrivel my kidneys.
Now, cannot use salt, and feel that restaurant-prepared food is too salty and will harm me.
Have to drink large amounts — 2 litres daily of fizzy water — to counteract the possible effect of salt hidden in food.
Fear that tea is also poisoning me, but am still drinking it; however, only two cups daily instead of 6 or 8.
Great pity that I’m also becoming afraid of whiskey for the same kidney shrivelling reasons, so drinking very little alcohol.
Desire to take out the fire (Parkray) and replace it with wood-burner and proper manttelshelf. Fear being poisoned by carbon monoxide fumes from fire. (Get sweep for first time in 15 months — chimney filthy.)
Great sensitivity to fumes — from the fire, of bleach, diesel, petrol, cheap perfumes — nausea.
Sudden nausea when hungry. Have to eat immediately to prevent nausea, vertigo.
Desire fresh fruit, veg, fish (not unusual). Desire chocolate (unusual).
Averse crisps, salt, coffee, tea, whisky (unusual).
Migraine after coffee, champagne, salty curry.
Migraine on waking, lasting until slept again or until 2 litres of water drunk.
Pain over one eye, usually right forehead, dull ache, insistent, with faraway feeling.
Ears stopped sensation, clearing with loud crackle.
Pain worse if right nostril even slightly blocked.
> cool air, >> sleep.
Pain as if intoxicated.
Instant migraine from fumes. Felt faint in petrol station.
No PMT (usually very spiteful verbally).
Period stopped after four days, then started again three days later for a day. Period then dragged on with pinkish slight discharge for another week.
Big toenail right foot dropping off (the last time it dropped off was when proving Naja).
Warmer than usual at beginning of proving. Colder at end. Cold in bed, but colder with hot water bottle. HWB seemed unable to heat me.
Fed up with fighting battles for justice. Think I might give up troubleshooting.
Seem to be accomplishing vast amounts of work — lots of energy.
More patients than usual. Practices expanding. More ideas. More Hydrogen patients.
Fingernails stopped breaking. Skin less dry and flaky.
Symptoms cured during the proving
Eruptions on fingers for over one year disappeared during proving. Would start as vesicles, intensely itchy. Then they would burst and the skin would be red and scaly.
Menopause cured during proving. Hot flushes, particularly after eating. Had one period at end of proving and none since.
Fear of thunder and lightening has not returned in one prover.
Claustrophobia, particularly in lifts, cured.
Effect on burns
Severe facial burns on woman who had a can of petrol catch fire and blow up in her face. A few days later she took Ignis Alcoholis 30C. Her facial symptoms immediately flared up with the pain of the initial burn and also went extremely red. It then started to clear, and ten days later there was no trace of the burn left on her face.
Baby had boiling water accidentally spilled on her face. Ignis Alcoholis 30C cured quickly and completely.
A number of cases of severe sunburn were cured quickly with Ignis Alcoholics 30C.
The provers
All provers were asked to take a maximum of six tablets over a period of two days.
In the proving, the numbers following the letters refer to the day on which the symptom occurred. No number is given where this was not stated or where symptoms continued or recurred throughout the proving.
Ignis Alcoholis — Fire
There were thirteen provers.
A Female 30C
B Female 30C
C Female 30C
D Female Sac Lac — no symptoms
E Female 30C
F Male 30C
G Female 30C
H Male 30C
I Male Sac Lac — no symptoms
J Female 30C
K Female 30C
L Female 30C
M Male 30C
EISING N., Vacuum: The proving (es3)
EISING N.
Vacuum
THE BURREN SCHOOL OF HOMOEOPATHY, CAHERAWONEEN, KINVARA, CO. GALWAY, IRELAND
© Copyright Nuala Eising, 2000
Cover Design by Pauline O’Reilly
Printed by Castle Print, Galway.
Acknowledgements
First of all, my thanks to all the individuals who volunteered to do the proving, and the people who supervised them. As always, without them, there would have been no proving.
My sincere thanks are also due to Lilian Higgins, Anne Irwin, Rebecca Preston, David Mundy, Pauline O’Reilly, Ruth Dunne and Kate Soudant for their help in organising the notes and repertorising the remedy.
I owe a very special thanks to Joni Owen for organising the California section of the proving.
And finally, thanks to my husband Jack for his help in typing and editing the work and for his unending support.
The song of wandering aengus
I went out to the hazel wood,
Because a fire was in my head,
And cut and peeled a hazel wand,
And hooked a berry to a thread;
And when white moths were on the wing,
And moth-like stars were flickering out,
I dropped a berry in a stream
And caught a little silver trout.>
When I had laid it on the floor
I went to blow the fire a-flame,
But something rustled at the door,
And someone called me by my name:
It had become a glimmering girl
With apple blossom in her hair
Who called me by my name and ran
And faded through the brightening air.
Though I am old with wandering
Through hollow lands and hilly lands,
I will find out where she has gone,
And kiss her lips and take her hands;
And walk along long dappled grass,
And pluck till time and times are done
The silver apples of the moon,
The golden apples of the sun.
W. B. Yeats
Vacuum: why and how
I had a dream in which a man, who is an occasional visitor to my dreams, said to me, «Nuala, are you aware that Vacuum is the space between Heaven and Earth? Prove Vacuum.» Following this dream, I spent some months with occasional deliberations as to how I would achieve this. Some months later, the same man returned to my dream and said, «To prove Vacuum, put some pure alcohol into a bottle, then create a vacuum in the bottle and you will have the effect of vacuum on alcohol. To make a homoeopathic remedy, you just need a good hint of what you are trying to achieve. Of course, alcohol will fill a vacuum. But the alcohol is irrelevant, since you will use the same alcohol to potentise the remedy.» He then said, «Remember, Nuala, spirit always fills space and alcohol is spirit.»
On January 2nd, 1999, I procured a vacuum pump of the type generally used to take air out of wine bottles. I obtained an unused, brown 500 ml. bottle with an opening that would fit the vacuum pump. I washed the bottle numerous times in pure alcohol. I put 20 ml. of pure alcohol into the bottle, and then used the pump to create a vacuum. I left the alcohol in the bottle for seven hours, checking at frequent intervals to ensure that the vacuum was maintained. I also succussed the bottle every hour (40 succussions) so as to ensure that the alcohol was affected by the vacuum. After this, I opened the bottle and took three drops of the alcohol and added it to 297 drops of un-vacuumed, pure alcohol. I succussed the mixture and got the 1C potency. I continued in this manner until I had developed the 30C potency.
The provings were conducted using the 12C and 30C potency. Two provers were given blank Sac Lac tablets. No-one but myself knew what was being proved. Fifteen people in Ireland did the proving. The notes from eleven provers were returned to me. Ten people in California joined the proving, and nine sets of notes were returned to me. This book contains the provings of these twenty people.
At the end of the proving, my friend from the two dreams returned in another dream and said, «Nuala, do you realise that everyone who did the proving of vacuum went back to before they mattered, and that is where pure love is.»
Introduction
Having been immersed in the proving of Vacuum for the past year, certain ideas have become apparent to me. The concept of the void, chaos and creation, and the constant repetition of this cycle, would appear to be an inherent theme of the remedy, coupled with the experience of our existence apart from our material reality. Mythologies arising in different cultures appear to have the same basic ideas, packaged in different ways. The findings and theories of modern science appear to possess very little difference from what was always known, except that science excludes spirit.
In Christianity, the Old Testament states, «The Earth was without form and void and darkness was upon the face of the deep.» In the beginning was the word, as representational of God breathing life into the Void. Inherent in Christian teaching is the belief that what can create, can also destroy. The Apocalypse is imminent and Jesus will save us if we are faithful and believe.
In Hindu cosmology, Brahma is the creator God. Before he falls asleep at night, the universe is destroyed by fire and flood and becomes as it was in the beginning. He creates the universe again when he wakes in the morning. According to ancient mathematics, one day in Brahma’s life is the equivalent of 1,000 times 4,320,000 years. Brahma lives for a hundred years. Then, after a hundred years of chaos, a new Brahma will arise and create a new universe and the cycle will begin again.
A creation story found in Chinese mythology depicts the image of the Golden Egg which grew from a seed floating on the cosmic ocean. It shone like the sun. Brahma emerged from the egg and split into a male and a female. The incestuous union of the two was the creative force.
In Scandinavian mythology, Odin was the supreme God and creator. He undertook an act of self-sacrifice by stabbing himself and being hung upside down for nine days and nights from a branch of Yggdrasil. During this time, he discovered the Runes and learned great wisdoms. The first Rune depicts a vital, unordered essence, or chaos, within the void — a space where creation can occur. The last and blank Rune represents a power that exists outside the organic process of orderly arrangement.
One of the Greek creation myths suggests that darkness was first, and from this darkness emerged chaos. From the union of darkness and chaos came day, night, Erebus (the God of Darkness and son of Chaos) and the air. From the varying unions between these came all the emotions known to humanity. Yet another Greek myth suggests that, in the beginning, Eurynome, the goddess of all things, rose naked from chaos. She could find nothing to rest her feet on, so she divided the sea from the sky. She danced lonely on the waves and danced towards the south. The wind which she created behind her began the work of creation.
The various mythologies also seem to include the supreme spirit or god of evil, who has to be subdued or fought by the good god. Christianity has Satan, who was banished from heaven and forced to reign in hell, waiting for the souls of sinners.
In Hinduism, Indra was the god who wielded the thunderbolt and slayed the demon Vritra, who had held the sun and rain captive. This is representative of the conquest of chaos and the release of the life forces of water, heat and light..
Loki was a malevolent Norse god who was taken by other gods and tied up in a deep cavern, where he would have to remain until the final judgement or great battle between the gods.
Throughout history, the battle has raged between chaos and order, with man desiring to believe in a perfectly ordered universe. Chaos was synonymous with evil, and order with good. This belief seemed to permeate all levels of society — medicine, science and philosophy. Some alchemists had ideas of tapping into the chaos for healing the spirit or soul. Paracelsus believed that healing material illnesses should be done using material substances. But to heal our other dimensions, one could tap into the vacuum or void or space between heaven and earth. In his arrogance, he decided that the key to this should not be given to ordinary people, as this would mean chaos for the material world.
Chaos was also associated with female expression, as was order with the male. Perhaps this is the origin of the fear and oppression of women throughout history. This may be why, through the ages, the most severe punishments have been meted out to people whose thinking stepped outside the bounds of established order. It is no coincidence that 20th century science has developed the chaos theory at a time when female energy and thinking is beginning to be accepted.
In science today, some cosmologists believe that the universe was created from virtual nothingness billions of years ago. In the beginning, a ball of radiation at extremely high temperature and density formed, occupying an infinitely small volume. A most violent explosion occurred, starting the formation of the universe. A random event of a chaotic nature, and everything we see and experience is a result of this.
According to Quantum Theory, the vacuum is not the nothingness that we have always considered it to be. Instead, it appears to be a field from which an infinitely large number of unreal particles pop in and out of existence, annihilating each other with no disturbance to the vacuum field. The result is that the vacuum has an average energy of zero. The theory states that the universe is still expanding and that galaxies are still retreating from each other. There are differing theories as to the outcome of this process. The universe may continue to expand infinitely, or it may collapse in on itself.
Scientific theory is changing with great rapidity, and theories are as disposable as everything else in the modern world.
It is believed that, in the beginning, there were equal quantities of matter and anti-matter, balancing out at zero. The universe today could contain this same balance — are we therefore living in the vacuum? This concept ties in with the experience of the meaninglessness of everything demonstrated in the proving.
During the proving, people seemed to need to project beyond the material dimension to find a meaning or purpose and to experience the spirit world which existed before the material. Pure and unconditional love seemed to be the force which injected meaning into everything. My own experience included the realisation of the existence of an opportunistic spirit — an all-knowing but unintelligent entity capable of using matter for its own development. Spirit in a state of innocent being and pure love. Not a spirit or god who created or was capable of creation, but one who could wait for matter to be created.
And of course, if you ever hear someone talking along these lines, you know the remedy to give them.
In hevene and helle, in erthe and salte see
Is felt thy might, if that I wel descerne;
As man, brid, best, fissh, herbe and grene tree
Thee fele in times with vapour eterne.
And in this world no lives creature
Withouten love is worth, or may endure.
From Troilus and Criseide, Geoffrey Chaucer
In the notes supplied by the provers, the spelling of words was atrocious. For the sake of clarity, I checked spelling and words with the provers. Provers were constantly heard to say, «I can’t find the word for ……» or they frequently used wrong words.
I have separated the proving of FGH in a chapter on its own at the beginning of the book, as this proving is comprehensible, well written and contains the inherent nature of the remedy.
Prover fgh
1 Remedy about an hour ago, I feel a mild tingle on my upper lip, strongly at the edge where the crease meets the lip and heads to the nose. It’s like a line.
1 Strong energy above the ears, heading toward the temple and also towards the base of the skull, where it is most pronounced and heads down the muscles into the shoulders. Bright and tingly in the forearms, on top, near the joint.
1 Mild to strong tinnitis, both high and at a low register. Stomach feels tense in the area where it reaches into the solar plexus.
1 Some old alcoholic asshole from up the terrace above my parents house came down and was a general jerk about the playing of drums (I play the congas). I hadn’t yet played today, but I do pretty regularly an hour a day. He was just one eighth of a notch below yelling at me, in our strange little interchange, what a sorry fuck. He’s probably had a problem for a year now and he picks Easter Sunday to start his grievances. I know it is audible outside of the house, but I am safely locked away in the bathroom with the doors and windows shut. How can anyone be so unhappy on this beautiful day? It’s like an acid trip out here, another world. Time to go. It’s always a sorry thing for two people to get stuck in an energetic confrontation. They are such potentially draining events. I think that dark energy gets spread around like an STD. With spite/misdirected vengefulness being the motivation, often subconscious. Hidden within us, the thought that if I can just treat another as I have been treated, I will shed this feeling like a snake its skin. But the problem is that experience is absolute, and no matter what you do, or try and delude yourself, you are stuck with its definition. So being cruel is useless! I hope to be strong and end this poor couple of events here, rather than head into hell on a whim of conceit too small to handle the absolute truth of the past. Writing makes me such a drama queen! No wonder I hate to write. I swear that the quality of the world is based upon the smallest of things, little things that we as strangers or friends do to each other. Right in the pocket between action and the limitations of communication with word.
1 At the moment, I get dizzy standing up, sort of unusual, and have a mild headache.
2 Dreams: In one, it was a brief flash, much like crude black and white cartoon. In it, a bunch of subterranean roots were standing still; only one of the larger roots was unusual in that it had a round bulb at the end (shaped the same as the remedy). Through the dark, the root grew, and then came in close proximity to the pill, then merged with it, as if some new pathway or connection was made. In another, I am at a public park, and meeting some women eating at a picnic table. I am lightly socialising with them, when suddenly I realise that my dog is covered with these huge ticks that are drawing out so much blood that they are blood red and spilling the excess down his coat. In the past I would just pull out all the ticks in front of those eating, just to get a rise, but I withdraw in the dream and try and find a way to pull the ticks off. In another, I am walking with my brother somewhere in a grey, overcast city. We walk into this weird hallway/auditorium. I start to take a seat next to a pretty girl, but am worried for some reason (because I am afraid of my brother) and I give the seat to him. Then this guy shows up (he seems to be the main attraction). He has this modified old Schwin balloon frame cruiser that has been turned into a motorcycle. I follow him and ask him why he went through all the trouble to make a bike into a motorcycle. I don’t remember what he replied. I think he was going to jump over the grey city to thrill the audience. In another dream, I am in this strange school/grocery store. I meet this red head with short hair, kind of a pixie cut. She is really pretty. I realise that I know her from before, and she was substantially heavier, and also correspondingly meaner, because of the drug/fuck world she made for herself. But she is different now. She was under the tutelage of a teacher of some kind. They both worked at the school/store. Suddenly, I got really scared of her, and climbed up on top of one of the food aisles and began to throw down five gallon cans of vegetable oil at her, trying to hurt her so I could make a safe run for it.
3 Dream: Dreamt I was wandering around the inside of a school, not one I had been in before. The walls were all painted a deep reddish brown. I was looking for a good place to do my assignment. I had to do an art project of some kind. I headed to a place I knew I could work in peace, but found some awkward teenager from my high school days splashing bright red paint in a horizontal fashion upon the concrete walls. I went looking for another place to work, and found one, but upon finding it, I knew that I would be a lot better off in some classroom. I returned to the main classroom to find my music teacher handing out a test. She gave me a white plate with cocoa powder sprinkled upon it and nothing else. I turned my back upon the class and headed to a table against the back wall. I sat there and looked at the plate. I don’t know where it came from, but a small chocolate truffle the same shape as the pill in my previous root dream was placed beside it. I began to write an essay about this stuff in my mind. Suddenly, I am in this state where my mind and the writing of a book and the experience of those being written about are one. It was like having a narrator narrating my life as I was going through it. I was the member of some elite wealthy class, and the pill was being described as promoting a sense of calm and equanimity, a place where the trials of the world bounce off the users of this elite group of special people who were allowed the use of the pill. It was a state of calm, almost bordering on conceit. Suddenly the pill’s effect was a small steam train, with narrow tracks exquisitely maintained and painted bright colours of red, brass gleaming. And the wealthy elite were chugging through a high end neighbourhood, like Bel Aire or Brentwood in the LA area. Everything was grand for the users. But the train sent off sparks and burned black men and women who had to walk on foot. One of the men came up to me as the train passed into the distance and expressed his contempt for the insensitivity and blindness of the group using the train.
3 I have eaten crappy food for the last two days and it hasn’t been very bad, which means that if I eat the food I usually do, I won’t have a problem at all. It is hard to believe that I have suffered a humiliating, painful ordeal for eleven years that was caused by a prescription of antibiotics to deal with acne in my teens. It’s like fixing an alternator by slashing the tires on the same car. It has to be true that these doctors only pose to know what’s really going on, and in the end it’s just as much a crap shoot for them as it is for me. I firmly believe now that no one knows my body better than me, and regardless of education, I will always be the foremost authority on it and how it is doing. It is hard to find people who can appreciate a man for striving to simply be who and what he is. If you don’t have an agenda in America, you’re no one.
3 The reality is that we aren’t free enough as musicians to pull off the spirit of what the drumming strives to reach. It is the quality by which the music is produced that gives it its beautiful quality. It doesn’t matter which song is being played, it is the drummer that must be polished and refined. It pisses me off that my friend can’t see that we are producing crap, and not acknowledging it as such. I think it’s crap, he thinks his shit doesn’t stink. He thinks that, because he has been playing the drums for so long, he is entitled to be excellent. Excellence has to decide upon you, not you on it. Time and effort are irrelevant. You can’t justify yourself into the belief of being excellent. Time and effort aren’t like some bank account that you accrue money in until you hit the million-dollar mark, thereby being allowed to be excellent. Either you are or you aren’t, and all you can do is continue as best you can until that moment arrives when you are visited by heightened clarity and ability; all the effort before that time becomes irrelevant. I don’t want to be performing if I think that what I am offering is shit. It is a slight to my respect for the audience. And also to my sense of quality.
10 My life has been really strange the last nine days. Unfortunately, I haven’t had a chance to write. I have been in the throws of a strange depression for the last several days. I have almost felt as if my values were so strangely shifted out of kilter. I have found myself laughing at things I don’t consider funny, even when I know what I am laughing at isn’t funny. It’s as if a liar has set up shop at my house. I have felt a certain isolation from the realities of my actions, like looking at what I am doing from this detached place of non-responsibility. It has wreaked havoc on my sense of self. I have been quite disinterested in eating, went for a thirty-six hour period of time last Thursday without eating, just because I felt the need to clear something out. I wasn’t particularly hungry anyway. Since that time last week, I went for up until the last two days on only a main meal a day and nothing else. I have felt angry at having to be angry at having to endure all the bullshit and falsehood that is the requirement in trivial human interaction. The day after I decided not to eat at all, I was really wiped out, just bone tired, sick of life and it is meaninglessness. It was sort of like reality was television when there is nothing on any of the stations, and you keep flipping to find an escape from the waterfall of bullshit, when the bullshit isn’t what’s on the T.V. , but the T.V. itself. I have had all the symptoms of a common cold, without a cold. It has been really weird. I have had a lot of sinus drainage, and dry hack for the last week. I really don’t think it’s been an allergy thing. I can’t explain it any better than that the symptoms were real, but felt somehow false. I have had a weird experience with things I crave also. I have bought really salty things at least three times in the last week, only to eat a little bit, and then, finding myself revolted by them, throwing them out. I remember this false brightness of body – like I was somehow invaded by a false energetic state, one unnaturally bright, one that seemed false. I have been a lot more verbal about my paranoid thoughts. One that I usually look upon with a twinge of suspicion, because I know what I am thinking isn’t 100% true. This strange vanity has been in place of a natural distrust of my mental processes. I have felt a lot more above myself, my life, my situation, just vain, contemptuous. It’s a bummer because I used to look at the world from that perspective all the time when I was younger, and it made me miserable. What it really seems like is that, somehow, I have been removed from the strong connection with my conscience. Like it was just an ornament I could pull out if it suited me, rather than a major player in my moment to moment thought stream. It has been like putting on the suit of the enemy. I was the people I normally run like hell from, the vainglorious yuppie, the creature whose only motivation is that of appearance and convenience, regardless of the outcome for the rest of the world. It was miserable. It seems to have lessened a lot over the last two days, and my appetite has returned. ‘Fuck everyone else, what’s in it for me?’ has been the unnerving impetus of thought. I have also found myself spending a lot of money. I have been saving my cash for many months to buy a set of Giovanni Hidalgo – congas. A full set of four. I have had the dough together for four months, but have been unnerved about spending sixteen hundred dollars on myself. Last time I spent that much, I was on a bike trip, and that was five years ago. This time, I felt almost ashamed to spend so much money on what is only a minor talent on my part. I bought a new set of prescription sunglasses, broke my set at least 14 months ago, and was just too pissed off to spend another $200 on myself. One of the hardest things for me to deal with was my cousin’s wedding last Sunday. I actually went out and bought a new suit of clothes. I haven’t gone shopping for a good pair of pants in three or four years. Really weird. Anyway, the wedding was a real flop in my eyes, not because of the ceremony, or the reception (they were quite nice on the surface), but because of the huge barrier between my family and the family/friends of the groom. It was to be expected, I guess; everyone of the grooms friends were either lawyers or stock brokers or one of those fucks who is so full of the intensity of their lifestyles that they can’t turn it off when they get home from work. Everyone was a killer. Every act was a choreographed step based on competitiveness. It is a blatant misuse of the eyes — hard, hard, eyes burn a hole in the back of your head, intensely, even in the most mundane and innocuous attempts at small talk. I honestly wish I could say it was just some paranoia on my part, but I know better. Their life is a shark tank and they are incapable of imagining it any differently. I have known the bride for my whole life, and when I asked her to dance, just for the hell of it, to celebrate I guess, the groom flipped and ran across the whole hall to cut in. Is it really possible to cut in on ‘She’s a brick house’? I don’t know. I don’t want to know. It was impossible to get to know anyone on the groom’s side; even the women were like a stone wall. It was like a party within a party; one we were obliged to be at, and the other we didn’t get a pass to. It was like a spike in my chest. Feeling the terrible truth about the world. Longing to reach a place of accord, where all the defences get let down, and for once hearts reach a place of hopeful joy. If it doesn’t happen at our weddings, when does it happen? I guess it doesn’t for the most part, here in America, the grave. I can’t tell you how profoundly sad it makes me to write this. Even our celebrations come packaged in cellophane. The saddest part was the maid of honour’s speech. She was this beautiful, eloquent lawyer. She spoke sweetly about the values of Christ as a friend, and how, in South America, there is a popular symbol that is used at Indian weddings, used to show that not only are the two family circles being joined as a whole, but that there is also the joining of the circles of friends, that occurs in the wedding act. Sadly the two sides of the battle took the dance floor at separate times, and on the one occasion we were all together, there were two distinct circles of ‘friends’: us and them. The maid of honour only got up to dance once, the rest of the time she was wrapped in conversation with someone I didn’t know. I will never see her again, nor will I ever see the bride, for the most part. Her world will see to that. I wish I were more bullet proof. I would just go and be the asshole they expect to see. So I could at the end of the day say I wasn’t what I am currently condemning. But I was afraid to. I have a really bad feeling about this wedding. I hope the bride doesn’t get too badly cut up in the process. What was really sticking in my chest was the distance between me and the bridesmaid. I really wanted to speak to her. I really wanted to reach into her world, and disprove my fear that it is really an airtight world of separation and distance. Regardless of who’s to blame and who’s not. It just makes me sad down to my bones. I expect too much from people.
10 Dream: I am a fisherman. I have been at this job for many years. I own my own fishing ship. But I make the decision to use my fishing boat to travel to a distant land, someplace unknown. Instead of pulling nets behind my ship, I now dive under water in the deep depths, searching, exploring, swimming through schools of fish as my boat follows from behind. I am skirting in and out of rocks, it is night time, the skies are hidden by clouds. I am swimming blind, with a sense of fear and exhilaration. I surface and look back at my ship. I grasp a red fire hose that is underwater and spouting fresh water into the sea water; it dances like a snake, and it’s hard to hold on to; all of it is occurring under the surface of the water. Up on my ship is a big party, all my friends are throwing me a farewell bash. They have the boat strung up with Christmas lights up on the rigging and the rails. They are all having a whoop. Suddenly, I am two wiser creatures who watch me and the boat, as if angels, beings not seen normally in this realm. One says to the other that he finally has begun to figure it out! He/me says it with this earnest release of fear and concern in his/my heart, as if I was really in grave danger of missing out on what I came here to do. The other creature says, ‘Yeah! Thank God he discovered art’ (maybe someone out there really does give a shit about me, in a real and honest way. I really felt that concern, like I was its child of a kind.)
10 Dream: I am walking on top of roof tops in some strange city. It was like Paris – beautiful and gothic. I must have been forty stories up. It was growing dark, I could see the yellow at the end of the day attach to the distance. All the roofs are of an extremely steep pitch (4-12). They were shoddily roofed with black new asphalt shingles. I am walking on the peaks, carefully, in a terrified way. I can feel the sandy grind of the shingle work under my feet as I write. I have to be careful because the work is all over the place and seems improperly connected to the deck. I am really scared I’m gonna die. Suddenly I see this tall blonde man standing at the edge of the abyss, and I realise it’s this kid I used to know who wound up in a wheel chair, from booze and rowdy behaviour, but he’s standing far more surely than I. He never turns to see me, he never says anything; I crawl out to get near him on my hands and knees, and am terrified. I can see the wind blowing his hair and clothes. Suddenly I realise that he is blind, he has changed one handicap for another, but he seems to be doing so much better than I am. I sensed a deep place of calm and no fear, no worries at all on his part. Like some silent sentinel – like an angel in wings of desire. I’m not a very good Peter Falk. I crawl back to the peak of the gable, with that feeling you get when someone drags his nails down a chalk board. I walk along until I find this lonely attic room, sparsely furnished. My mentor and wise council is there. I say ‘Hi’. I’m happy to see him. He speaks about what’s going on, but I don’t remember what. He uses my sister somehow in his example. He ends with saying that I should be writing out what’s going on because it’s really important. It was really good seeing him.
Dream: I am walking the shores of Richardson’s Bay. It is a mud flat when the tide’s out. The shore is usually riddled with trash and old trees. I walked up to the bluff that acts as a natural break when it’s stormy here. It is full of gay guys all dressed up in shiny black vinyl bondage gear, showing off the shape of their perfect bodies. They are all just a little separate from each other. They all look at me in unison, with the look that says ‘Oh yeah!!! Fresh meat!’ They have all worn the ice plant down to a flat dead grey in their little areas, by rubbing their asses back and forth, back and forth. This freaks me a bit, and I turn away. As I do this, I realise that I am dressed as they are, but in blindingly white stretch vinyl wear, from head to toe. I am trying to find a way to purify myself, and so I go down to the water’s edge and begin to pour huge buckets of Bay water over myself and down my throat. But I realise the water is polluted and full of mud and shit, and I gag. Then I wake up. The last time I saw white and black vinyl wear was in the movie ‘The Matrix’; the only character to wear white was called ‘Switch’ (implying that she plays both sides of the bondage game). I think that I am tired of the whole power thing; I just want to let people alone to be shaped by God, and I want to be left alone to be able to have the same. I don’t want to rule the world. I don’t want to be responsible for the loop of violence/vengeance that hides in every interaction.
Dream: I am walking around in an Arctic zone. I am walking upon the frozen ice on the ocean just off shore from this great, red shale mountain range, all crumbled and broken up. I continue walking and I come upon a break in the ice. In it I see this blonde woman (not the usual one) in the water; she is peering out at me as a seal or a silkie, she seems curious and attentive and a little shy, bobbing at the edge of the ice. I am afraid the ice will break beneath me, and I will drown in her world. But I approach her anyway and grab her beneath the arms and pull her out of the water and up on the ice. We head back the way I came, like old friends, speaking easily and with no awkwardness at all. As we head into the red shale mountains, I ask her if she has seen a particular movie. The instant I ask, I regret having done so, for the movie represents a terrible world I used to know and live in. It was like raising the devil by turning to face it. Fortunately, she says she hasn’t. I am greatly relieved to hear this. I don’t want to allow that old world into this new one that doesn’t deserve the guilt and grief and shame of a past I no longer fit into. The girl didn’t have blonde hair, she had white hair – and was much like the ice.
Dream: I find myself in this other worldly place in deep purples and auburn/rust reds. It is a world that must be of a perfectly constant environment because I come upon a shop with no walls or roof, just black glossy book shelves about twenty feet high, placed end to end, making a right angle. One side is dedicated to about thirty different works of ceramic art all of the exact same phallic shape and size, but adorned, representing different subjects. They are all about eighteen inches high and maybe five or six inches wide at the base, having a gentle taper and a sharp point. All the fire colours of the ceramic paint have a high gloss, and a very diverse assortment of darker pastels rule the colour scheme. On the other side of the angle, are books – all of a sacred nature, seeming to be sort of a new age, mystic bent. I was visually scanning the books, without touching them, only seeing the spines of these highly tooled and carefully crafted, handmade, leather bound books. Many of them have traditional Celtic patterns on them. I only see one with a name I can remember. It was called The Book of Runes. I don’t know if such a book exists. I never touch this book. Suddenly, beside it is a beautiful and fair woman, all in black with black, black eyes and strong mascara rimming them. She wears one of those highly adorned silver skull ornaments, that sweeps down with her black hair. She looks intently at me, and I at her, but nothing is said between us. Weird.
Dream: I am exhausted. I no longer see a reason why I should be in this life. I am full of deplorable sadness over knowing that the woman I was intended to love and live and die with has gone and died before I ever met her. I am walking down the street where I am currently living in Tiburon. It is my intention to go down to the stream (just past the highway) that feeds the Bay, to drown myself. I know that she is waiting there just under water on the other side for me. I can’t explain the separation pain I feel over this. Like my life is a shadow. My nephew begins to chase down the street after me. I throw a fist full of peas at his feet in the hope that he will be distracted and allow me to leave this place. He doesn’t take the bait, and pursues me with the intent of learning something about me.
10 One other important thing I note is that I got two strange welts on my body, quite different from the norm. One was on my left hip, three inches down from the joint in alignment with the femur. It was very painful, but not the normal deep red of an infection. It lasted about three days, and when I finally tried to press it out, only a clear liquid flowed out of it, and quite a lot. No puss or blood. After the welt on my hip went down, another on my right shoulder in the exact same proximity as on the hip in relation to the joint. It had the same qualities as the first welt, but was less painful and of a smaller size.
12 I have been sleeping pretty much from 11 p.m. last night to now (2 p.m. ). I could barely get up off the floor. I hold this strong, neutral deadness; I don’t want to engage with things much. I think I am tired of looking at how hard it is to engage with things much. I think I am tired of looking at how hard it really is to connect with people. I am tired of having to accept that I never really have anything to say to the unknown world, and when I meet it I am and forever will be mute. The thing I hate about writing is that I have to acknowledge just how fucked up I am as a human being. When I don’t write, at least I am allowed the blind dignity of seeing myself only in reference to myself; it may be blind, but it doesn’t hurt anywhere near as much. I feel very listless, derailed and tired. It’s spring outside, and I’m bummed out. I can’t stand it. Been longing to just be done with life. I no longer actively engage in fantasies of suicide, but I have this bone weary exhaustion with life. I just feel beat, lorded over. My spirit is broken. I see that suicide and murder are the same. I suspect that they are viewed the same on the other side also. Life is the problem. If you kill its details, or its source, you have to start all over again. It is like being forced to watch a really shitty movie, and every time you walk out, you find yourself in another lobby leading into the start of the same one – and no popcorn even! So I have surrendered to God. God, creation force, whatever. I know that my living has some inscrutable value to something outside of what I am, and that my notion of individuality and selfhood are mere illusion. It’s like some great distraction, so I will continue along doing what I’m supposed to. Making bread for some terrible feast. I spend all my time looking for freedom, never having realised before that consciousness is slavery, a Chinese finger trap, a rumour. I don’t long for death, I long for oblivion. Mostly, I am tired. I am ashamed that my presence of self is so great, that it gets in the way of everything. Like a vampire, a curse. Just once I would like to look at the beauty of spring with no defences, no separation, nothing in the way to filter it with an invented myth of creation’s law. Everywhere I go, even with my limited ability to see and understand — paradox. I find myself longing for the stupidity of sheep, but in doing so lose the ability to wonder, to perceive the myriad qualities of beauty, and you lose the will to live. More paradox, more and more and more. Thank God I can’t hold more than one thought in my head at any given time, otherwise I would erupt in a feedback loop of ennui. To be offended with one’s own being, is the highest form of vanity. Creation scorns the hand that crafted it. Everything bears the signature of its maker. God didn’t make all of this out of loneliness, but out of a vanity that could split suns. I always knew God was a sorry bastard, a wonderful, sorry bastard.
Dream: A silver-haired Steve Martin (comedian) peers intently into a book, walking with his back turned to a fabulous and huge setting sun weeping into the ocean.
Dream: A friend shows up at the door. It is night time. I am eating this really cheesy pizza (all white), no toppings, looking seriously undercooked and drinking beer. He comes in the house with a boyfriend! A small, slight, darker-skinned Asian or Latin man, who seems to have a lot of attitude. I ask them if they want to eat dinner; they refuse – end.
Dream: I am in this large English or Irish city. It is sunny as hell! I can’t believe it. It feels almost tropical. I am hanging out with this blonde haired dude who apparently was my friend a long time ago. We are heading up this steep hill with a beautiful view of a large river on a double-decker bus. We head through this Jamaican barrio. The colours are vibrant; everyone is full of sass and talking a mile a minute in the busy streets around us. Everyone knows everyone down there. Suddenly there is a large explosion. I look down a mile or so back and see that a small nuclear bomb has gone off and destroyed the one bridge across the water. I can see a dark ring of smoke building out from the bridge, but see no nuclear wind to annihilate us. We all leap off the bus to the ground, and I see a single, roughly diamond shaped piece of shrapnel coming my way, and skip being hit by it. I then decide to run off to the side of a steep part of the hill that will shelter us from the blast, but in doing so I realise that if I’m not dead now, the peril is gone. In the shadow of the hill my blonde friend introduces me to a beautiful blonde woman; I can make no headway in speaking to her. And after she leaves, I apologise to my friend because of my boorish American ways. (What the hell does boorish mean anyway?) At this point, I lose my friend and continue up the sunny streets that are covered with tropical shade trees. I reach this large, beautiful, granite museum or place of remembrance. I scale the wall about thirty feet up because I can’t find my way into the place. At the top, a guard is waiting for me and tells me how to get into this joint. It scares the shit out of me but I find my way back down the wall, sliding too quickly for my taste, but without injury. I find the entrance and it is a grand one. It has forty or fifty wide steps, covered in red carpet, leading up to at least two or three stories. I reach the top and it is some kind of amusement ride, except it is a single car that can hold hundreds of people at once, like a movie house on wheels. Most people are swinging around their American flags, except they are in pastel blue, soft red and ivory white instead of our usual bold colour. I get on the ride somewhere at the right of the middle, towards the front, and find myself waving my flag upside down in protest as the stupid ride takes off. I think this war in Yugoslavia is gonna be a fully-fledged fiasco. I fucking know it is.
5 Felt low all last week – in a funk from Thursday to Saturday. Energy very low, everything feels ‘out of alignment’. Acting vain, conceited and hostile towards people. Feels he is not responsible for his actions, there is something ‘unnatural to my spirit’. Morose, tired of life, indecisive.
10 Currently experiencing a dry cough with some mucus coming up. Felt short of breath and had trouble singing.
Felt a ‘brightness’ – energy sphere seemed larger than usual. Much tension in back of arms and torso. Felt ‘invaded’ physically and psychologically.
26 Lesions on his scalp, 4-5 of them. All came to a head and disappeared.
Dry hacking cough. Felt like he would bring up blood. Coughed so much he gagged, although he did not vomit.
Feeling less attached to ‘changing the world’. Feels detached, with a stronger sense of peace. Less tension. Questioning what it is to be a man.
The remedy was partially evil and a strong sense of discontinuity with repercussions for people’s lives. It was like Valium for evil people. It allowed vain concepts I had, things I was blithely going along with. I’m not blocked up about evil being a part of me. The conscious part of my psyche that puts that behind wraps was removed.
Dream: Last weird dream I had was a couple of weeks ago. I think it was related to the proving. It was a brief dream in which there was a faint, butterfly tattoo on the inside of my knee (right). I suspect that was a permanent subtle effect of the proving which has affected me.
I can see things going with people that allowed me detachment from myself. My safety net wasn’t there; that part of my psyche that’s saying that’s bullshit. It’s the same kind of detachment someone has from killing someone, like in Kosovo, or Jews in Germany. If I wanted to do anything, an action I wanted to do without caring about the consequences.
My sense of compassion was neutralised. I look at myself as a self-regulating entity. (During the proving this was suspended.) I felt greasy, something was working through me and my spiritual values were different, as if someone else, another human being, was there. It provided me with a certain escapism and allowed me to detach into something else.
For me there was an element of elation, tra la la, whatever feeling, like Valium, slightly removed from every other thing…it didn’t matter.
Dream: A strong dream related to the proving. I am in a strange school with no instructors, no one to talk to. I am in a huge school space, as big as the blimp hangar at Moffit Field (think the biggest auditorium you’ve been in, then multiply it by 10). These small-scale F-16 fighter planes are parked with open cockpits. No one to guide me, so I say ‘what the hell’ and hop in. I look for a head set to put on to talk to the control tower, but there isn’t one. A voice hits me in the head saying that this isn’t something you can ask permission for, you are responsible for the unknown/unforeseen outcome to the experience. I start looking around for a way to control this tiny plane. So I taxi over to what looks like a runway. It has all sorts of complicated paint patterns on the asphalt, but I don’t understand any of it. I know they are very important, and if I make a mistake I will kill some one trying to land as others whom I do not know fly about me. I move to a small painted circle and am really scared of being killed, but I try and take off anyway and am successful. I am flying all over the place and having fun. Suddenly everything stops in the dream – as if time suddenly halted for me. I am stopped, motionless, in mid air. A strange creature in human form approaches. He is in a space suit like Kubrick’s 2001 film, except that it is a double suit. The outside shell has another shell on the inside. I can see this through the visor. The suit is white. The creature inside of it has old leathery skin like the ice man who was discovered in the Austrian/Italian Alps. He looks greasy and shiny. But his eyes are a brilliant blue. He says to me that, now I have taken this action (flight), it will be necessary to make some adjustment to my body/mind/spirit in order to better aid me in this place. I’m flying over 3 severed heads of the same appearance as the creature in the 2001 space suit. They all have the same skin and long grey hair. (I can’t tell their sex.) The heads look quite similar to the kinds of masks that are used in big sci-fi films, in that the head and neck and area around the chest and shoulders are all one piece of latex. They are all alive, though! Heads without bodies. They are closely grouped together and achingly looking up at me from down below. They appear to really need something. Suddenly white stuff falls from the plane (like white paint or bird shit), and the heads desperately open and close their mouths, trying to catch some of the stuff that falls all around them without getting to any of them. Whatever this stuff is, it is real important to them. Then I woke up.
1 Seems like the only long term effect of the proving is that my neck keeps getting cramped up and out of alignment, and I feel like I’m not getting any blood to my brain anymore.
Mind
A1 I came up to the bedroom to write down my dream. A classmate came in and asked if I had been at the morning session – she thought I wasn’t there!
A1 During the morning session, I found I wasn’t concentrating as well as usual. I kept finding myself/my thoughts wandering and coming back again to find I wasn’t quite sure what he was talking about. I kept feeling I was missing things. I had a feeling of separateness. I felt separate from the group. Otherwise, I feel fine.
A2 I was chatting at breakfast and reading about medicine cards – but I couldn’t concentrate on the pages.
E3 I feel like I’m growing lighter, more delicate – transparent, almost.
E3 I felt this overwhelming urge to get into the car and drive. Left the lecture early. I wanted to go faster and faster – cursing the Sunday drivers. I also talked a lot to my friend on the way home about old love affairs from years ago, but it felt like it was yesterday. I seemed to be in love with them all, all over again as I talked about them. I’ve never felt anything like it. I kept wondering why you can’t love many people at the same time – polygamy. It just seemed a very logical way of living. I’m invisible today. One of my students, who was to help me take down and pack an exhibition, never turned up – highly unusual. When I went to the exhibition centre, it was locked up – no sign of life. I stood outside for an hour, wondering whether I’d got the wrong day and feeling really powerless and insignificant.
H13 I got really upset because people didn’t include me in the arrangements. I felt really hurt and was like ‘thanks for letting me know’ and slammed down the phone. I felt really guilty and rang back and apologised and then almost cried when I got off the phone. I feel mental.
H22 My mind is fuzzy – cannot think straight. I have to talk out loud to myself. I’m not recognising people I know in the streets. ‘I’m in my own little world,’ I said to a guy today when he caught me talking to myself. ‘You certainly are, can I go there?’ he said. I was really surprised – I thought I would have looked mental, didn’t think anyone would want to be in my confused world with me. I felt embarrassed. I cannot remember simple things from the day before. I’ve been thinking about children and, for the first time, considering that it may be a good idea not to have any. I’d be stuck in nappy-land for about 2 years and then what. I find it difficult enough to get things together without children. I’d probably never re-surface if I had them. It feels strange and cold to think this way. It’s not that I think I’d be a bad mother. It’s just this whole notion that that’s what’s ahead, the natural process. Fine, if I was a man and could anytime, but this is the best time of my life and I want to be out there, doing things, enjoying life. I want to be free. Another part of me feels that I’d regret this decision in later life. This body clock is so frustrating.
M I feel very clear in general. I’ve often in my life used the expression «I don’t see things coming» — a naivety I always possessed. In this proving, I can see things coming. It’s like being in space where anything coming is clearly visible.
I’ve no problem seeing patients at the moment. I can see everything clearly. I don’t have to connect in the same way as with friends. All I have to do is take their case, I don’t have to share my life with them. I only have to see what’s going on for them. They come, I see them, they’re gone — perfect.
M I feel no connection with God or higher self or anything. I feel I’ve seen out there and there’s nothing — only fractals
K2 Reluctantly got up. Have been feeling more contained and solitary than usual. Wanting people to be quiet or at least not to ask me anything or talk to me. Not wanting to explain myself or be contradicted. Feeling absorbed.
K3 Noticed yesterday that I was very contented to sit alone and think and do my own thing on the course, felt more efficient, like I did not want to waste energy or dissipate it by chatting needlessly. I even had my bed-clothes (sheets, etc.) off my bed at lunchtime (a first for me) – organised. Not finding myself gravitating towards the crowd/company.
K4 Today, working in the shop, spent the entire time reading/writing – very contented. Pleased to have the space.
M Morning and all day feeling totally exhausted. Couldn’t connect with people. Friends talking to me, telling me things. I kept having to ask them ‘What are you talking about?’ Feel very removed. Better in the open air and walking. Good form in the evening. Getting waves of ‘bursting with love’ for the group I was with. Had to tell them.
DEF4 8:00 p.m. – cranial pressure expands to fill more of my head – ear ringing increases. Disquiet and vague unease in upper central chest – breastbone and general body disquiet. My container is crumbling. My core is exposed.
DEF4 11 p.m. — the remedy has drawn me into my core as surely as if that had been the intent. I am preparing to shed a shell. It seems to be crumbling all around me and is exposing the next layer – a frightening thing and a glorious one. Today is a good day to die…..To be reborn! I am driven deep into my core and find that the deeper I go, the more exposed I am. How? Not only that, but I’m learning how to stay exposed and be safe. It is as though the remedy were alive and searching with me until it found the right frequency – my frequency. How can this be? A remedy whose consciousness lives. How? What is the remedy? I stand amazed.
EFG Over last four days, have noticed I feel reclusive; appreciate quiet, company can be stressful. Would almost rather be alone – with a book, puttering in the garden, napping, music, etc.
EFG I kind of have a reclusive feeling. Hey, just give me some quiet and a book, not wanting to be around people or dealing with people.
HIJ I learned to take care of myself, I wanted to be taken care of, in a kind way. I dreamt I had a female encounter, I didn’t judge it. I observed it. Watched it with courage, for the experience. I did a lot of observing in this proving. I felt I didn’t have to justify things. Before the proving I’d had about six months of pain with my liver; I don’t have that now. The anger came up most for me; let more out than ever before. The remedy felt like that was torn, ripping open. I hated it; it was beyond my control.
DEF The remedy touched a deep core, she didn’t like it. She felt like the pipes had been blown clear and she was wiped out by it. She cleared up some emotional things she’s been working on for a long time.
HIJ It was like some sort of scab. Allowing it to come off, allowing crying. It happened again and I didn’t do anything about it. It was uncontrolled. It was like what was lurking inside of you, what was hiding in places, came and got out. Take a look at it differently, process it differently. I stood up to be more of a person I wanted to be. It was kind of a roller coaster ride; you had to hold on!
DEF I got through a huge chunk of stuff that needed to be done. It opened pipes that were closed. Whatever was locked up when it’s emotionally stuck. I felt extremely betrayed and dumped. I felt a lot of anger and hurt.
A2 Our tutor for the weekend told us a story about a little mouse going on a journey. This story really struck a cord and I cried during it. I could feel the mouse represented me on my journey and that I am stuck. I have very much started but came to rest and I feel now I haven’t the courage to take the next steps. I felt the story omitted the pain and indecision and loneliness the mouse must have felt during his journey. Yet he continued, and trusted his instinct. When asked about my personal feelings about the story, I just cried and couldn’t bring myself to explain.
A2 Today, I again had the sense of being different and a little apart.
A2 I feel very positive after the weekend — ready to face the world.
A3 Feeling of being stuck in my journey. I can’t give up my job for financial reasons; try and integrate the two. I’m allowing outside things to influence me. I soak it in. There is a conflict with my own inner journey. I have started my journey; I need to keep going. There is no turning back. I’m not giving myself the time. I don’t have trust. I would find the loneliness too hard to handle. Realisation I have to focus on my inner vision and to trust. I have a feeling of being different; outside, that has been strong. This weekend, had a dream where I was getting married but I wasn’t there. I was observing the separate feeling. Not judging. In the dream I felt I was giving away my power. Allowing myself to be absent, allowing others to make decisions for me. Submitting myself. Losing my own power.
B4 I just finished a book, ‘The Pilgrimage’ by Paul Coehlo. Usually, I’d be really into it (that kind of thing). I really enjoyed ‘The Alchemist’ but I just thought, ‘what the fuck was the point of that. We’re all on our path – why are you writing a book about yours?’ We all need to find our own way. I feel very cynical with friends. Kind of like ‘get with reality’. Not into all this mystical crap. I feel very strong; feel like I need to assert myself.
K8 On going to sleep, felt like I was suspended in the sky just above water, turning in a 360 degree tumble/spin – a lovely feeling, not resting on anything. I felt like a bird, then felt like I was half in water, half in the air above it, like I had big eyes and was simultaneously looking through the water and looking along its surface. I felt very down last night but fine again this morning, wondering what the fuss was over.
H15 We went to the fireworks display. Frustrated because it was very difficult to see them fully. We saw a lot of reflection, reflection in the mirrored buildings of balls and the light. Yet the fireworks were amazing, by the end my heart chakra was totally open. They cannot be described by me. I was totally wowed.
M3 Start noticing parallels (this continued over next few days), e.g. clouds making parallel patterns. Waves coming in parallel with each other and any parallel lines.
M18 I feel like the space I’m in at present is very removed from everything around me. I can see everything but I can’t reach out and touch it. I can’t connect. None of my normal optimism is running parallel to how I’m feeling at the moment.
M Driving home, I realised that I feel like a mirror image of myself. I looked in the mirror and realised that my hair was parted on the wrong side again. I realised that now, I can see myself the way others see me.
M A lot of stuff with mirror images. Seeing my reflection in the mirror. The mood of the reflection looks different from the way I’m feeling. In fact, my feelings seem very far removed from here. Although I can feel them – they seem far away.
N I use the analogy of a mirror. Prior to the remedy, I saw myself as though reflected through a mirror i.e. opposite sides, ungrounded easily, disconnected easily. It seems to me that this remedy gave me a sense, a feeling of solidity, of being ‘in’ my body (not a reflected image). A sense of purpose. A sense of self and of my purpose here on earth. A sense of the history of the generations before my grandmother, great-grandmother – female lineage. A sense of being part of the continuum of life. My mind had a sense of quickness, surety, matter-of-fact, confidence in what I am saying and the necessity of realism, etc. from other people. A sense of matriarchy and objectivity.
M My image of life is like two facing mirrors, with the same image being repeated infinitely.
M Life is like fractals where apparently chaotic phenomena produce similar patterns at progressively smaller scales. ‘There is no escape’ is the diabolical truth.
P My job will finish in May. I have a feeling that my life is put on hold until then; maybe the sale of the house is through then as well and I will be happy forever after. I kind of have to finish one episode before I can get into another. But, on the other hand, I can handle things running parallel very well. So I don’t know what that is all about.
M The feeling of being a mirror image has persisted. I’ve been doing strange things, like constantly going to the wrong side of the doors in my house for the handle. Sometimes, I feel like I’m inside a mirror looking out and can’t reach out. People can be sitting in front of me, I can see them and hear them but I can’t reach them. Like being in a parallel world.
CDE2 Yesterday, I felt very mellow, somewhat disconnected from myself, both emotionally and physically. I feel as though I’m not connected from the waist to the knees.
J2 I feel weird – like as if my body isn’t right, as if the top part of my head isn’t the end of my body – that it goes on further.
N2 9 a.m. Got up and dressed – feeling of clarity and purpose. Coming down stairs, I realised I had put money, keys etc. in my right pocket. (I am a dedicated left-handed person – I would never put items in my right pocket, except deliberately.) Feeling of brightness, great clarity and matter-of-factness. “Grounded”.
M Difficult telling left from right sides.
N4 It has just come to my awareness that, for the first time ever, I do not have any confusion about the sides of my body – I usually hesitate before deciding which side of the street something is on. (I believe this is a common trait of left-handed people, especially if, when starting school, they have been trained — or attempted in my case — to write with the right hand). A great feeling of contentment and ease.
A7 The last couple of days I haven’t wanted to write in this book and I haven’t rung anyone – it’s as if I didn’t want people to know how I really was. On Thursday night, after talking to my boyfriend, I was really upset, but I didn’t want my housemate to know, so really kept it in until she went to bed and then I let it out. I had a pretty bad night – cried most of it. My feelings were of total deflation, like I was battered – I wanted to hide and I was definitely suicidal and had that feeling of just ‘do it’. But I thought of my father and thought more about it yesterday and decided it would be a cop-out. I’m not one to give up easily, so I suppose I couldn’t give up on life either.
A11 This morning I woke up with the feeling ‘what’s the point’. I think I have been feeling this for the last couple of days. It’s like the opposite of ‘just do it’ feeling I had last week. Yesterday I even thought, how does my father get out of bed every morning – what is there to live for – what is the point. I am very aware of my eyes – I feel they are wrecked from crying – I feel old looking. Then this morning, when I thought they were improving, I got a splash of concentrated shower gel into the right eye. I thought I was going to lose the eye, the stinging was so bad. I couldn’t open it for at least 10 minutes and then only intermittently – needless to say, my eye was totally blood shot and looked worse than ever!
A17 When I arrived at my car in Dublin, I had a flat tyre!! The same one as in the dream – front right hand side. This had previously been losing air, but not for ages, so I thought it was okay now. A man did come and help but when I had it almost changed. During the drive home, I became quite sad and low – coming back from holiday blues, etc. I thought how great it would be to just go off and disappear – where no one could find me. Then I remembered having the very same thought when I was leaving Cork four days ago on my way to Italy! As I drove out of Cork, I thought about driving somewhere no one would know and disappear! The thought was for an instant then – it didn’t linger. Also, on the way home today, a couple of times as I was overtaking, I felt I didn’t care if I was killed – it would even be okay.
A12 Driving to Dublin on the dual carriageway; if I disappeared in oblivion, nobody would know the difference. I’d get away – disappearing off the face of the earth. Get off the planet – not to have to face people.
K6 Thought about getting my own place – just ‘doing it’, not discussing it with my boyfriend – felt it would just cloud the issues and our feelings. A sense of simplifying things.
K22 I find myself thinking my relationship is over and constricting. A parting of ways conversation in my head. I’m noticing what offends me and not challenging or forgetting it, just silently topping up the offences list. I feel I’m waiting for the burst of energy to leave. Yet at night, in bed, I feel such security and tenderness and can’t imagine leaving.
K It baffles me a bit that I feel like I’m bridging gaps with old friends and communicating very well with lots of people, but drifting more from my partner. I feel as if I’m resisting for fear of being stifled.
J3 Feeling very sad again. Pain is being stirred up by conversations of relationships and inheritance of family’s history. Not having input. It hurts inside.
HIJ Some people aren’t ready to see what’s there. Sometimes we are holding ourselves together by a very thin thread.
IJK The proving has been hellish. I am crushingly fatigued – to the point of not wanting to get out of bed, have a practice or a life. Overwhelming sadness and despair led to sobbing on the weekend – a thing I seldom ever do. I don’t like this remedy.
IJK Not exactly a depression, but realises she’s come this far in life and has really nothing to show for it. And doesn’t have the energy to get out of this space,
M3 I am supersensitive to everything that is going on in the world. Getting very apocalyptic. Feeling we are doomed. Also, feeling very withdrawn from people. More silent. Not averse to people – to a certain degree, even friends seem like strangers. (This continues for some time).
K The paranoid feeling I was writing about is also a vivid fear of war. Images of having your door kicked in by armed forces, the suddenness and fear, the terror. The fear of not being able to protect the kids. A fear that almost makes it feel safer to not do anything positive but instead to try and ignore totally the reality out there for others. And pretend to yourself you exist in a little safe bubble. I guess it’s the idea of ignorance is bliss. On the other hand, that feels impossible, and I feel full of a vision of how much better things could be for everyone and how they ought to be better for everyone (globally). And the knowledge that we have the resources but what is lacking is organisation (appropriate) and a shared vision.
M Have a feeling of understanding of The Last Judgement, when the dead rise up from their graves. This has given me a great appreciation of archaeologists. They would appear to facilitate this process by literally digging up the past, thereby allowing the rest of us to let go. They seem to me now to be partially the saviours of the world.
CDE6 Awoke with no headache. The sense of euphoria is beginning to diminish. Late in the day, my daughter asked me if I wanted to climb the hill across the street with her. The weather here has shifted from winter to summer, without a transition to spring. I climbed a bit of the way with my daughter, who is very athletic, and then she took off, and disappeared from sight. I kept trudging upward, getting warmer and warmer. Eventually she appeared, running back downhill. Again I didn’t want to delay her, and we met at the bottom of the hill. I cooked dinner and after that I went to sleep. I’d wake up every once in a while, but couldn’t force my body to move. At bedtime, I got up and changed out of my clothes. My husband expressed some enthusiasm for the NATO attack on the Serbs and mentioned that he’d seen accounts of atrocities by the Serbs, etc. I think it’s wrong to try to solve these disputes by bombing. At night I dreamt that I was locked in a passionate embrace with a pacifist I knew 30 years ago.
M17 For first two weeks, generally feeling very down. A sense of hopelessness in the world. Cannot see any way that there won’t be a major disaster. Cannot find any of my normal optimism. Said to my husband, ‘The world is a hell hole of greed and cupidity’. He suggested I make a note of that as it is not like me. He told me that I have been acting strange – very edgy and irritable.
H5 I want everything to be organic, uncontaminated by chemicals and pesticides. Genetically modified vegetables are so out. I’m not upset by it, which would be more my way of being – I’m distant. I don’t get involved with issues Emotionally, I’m direct and just act. From now on, it’s organic if I can help it.
H I feel very strongly about genetically modified foods. I went to a court case about it. I feel we must act if we feel strongly about things. The case was a moral victory for all involved. I was so glad I made the effort. I feel it’s now or never. If this GM food gets into the food chain, I believe it’s the beginning of the end.
K2 When I got up this morning, I felt I liked my body (not usually so), as it is a sort of sensuousness. Had a shower with my eyes closed and wanted to do everything slowly. Been thinking about issues of self-sufficiency and lack of it – dependence. Wanted to wear the most comfortable clothes. Putting out less energy in doing this, to the point of not opening the door properly and banging it closed on my hip.
K8 Couldn’t eat my dinner – it felt too synthetic – frozen food, almost as if contaminated (though I am very off anything that might have genetically modified foods in it). Didn’t feel the loss for not eating.
K9 Feeling more courageous, willingness to stand up and be counted.
CDE10 I’ve been considering what morality is. Do smaller transgressions lead to bigger ones? Are mentally ill kids not receiving proper care? How does violence come to be seen as a solution to a problem? What can be done to intervene?
K17 Issues around justice and information coming up again but, conversely, I’m now feeling very small in the face of these tasks. Feel an inner desire and need to rally, but an outer ineffectualness and dissipation. Reminding myself that homeopathy is in itself a contribution, but I feel very aware that there are so many important, magnanimous projects crying out for contributions of energy, time and other resources. This too-wide-a-vision disarms me and stalls me. Feeling tremendous admiration for the activists. In particular, very incensed and shocked about the terminator technology and all the genetic mutilation happening. Terrible thoughts of global famine and the worst kind of warfare – starvation. At the sustainability conference, I felt very positive and empowered; now I feel useless and ignorant. The daily demands of my own small life suck away all my energy and motivation, so my actions remain selfish and so local. I worry about the children of this and the next generation and so on. Food is so fundamental and basic, a human right, it’s almost impossible to imagine that there are people in high powered positions lining their pockets and scheming to patent such rights for themselves – monopolies. I want all my food to be organic these last couple of weeks. I feel ultimately as if something in me is struggling to take a hold of my own power and wield it for what I believe in. I have been speaking my truth more easily, less worried and blocked by fear of other’s reactions or feelings – not feeling cruel but recognising the necessity of these truths and the fallacy of trying to cosset people from them. Even with these unsettling political issues, I’m feeling overall more contented in myself and my life – counting my blessings, very grateful and aware of what I have, especially the kids and then my newly appreciated partner. The word for what I feel about the genetic engineering is ‘responsibility’ – my own personal responsibility to stand up and be counted and fight against what I see to be wrong.
K19 Very much more aware in this proving of not leaving the lights on unnecessarily. I keep thinking that it is a waste of energy. Also thinking of the waste of energy in my relationship, useful energy spent on conflicting. I feel I want my autonomy back, financial independence and more space. I feel a hindering of my vision/imagination and that relationships unnecessarily conform to one standardisation. Feeling at my best in female company. The thought of going home and cleaning and cooking is really dreary to me.
K In a way, my concerns are more global and political than personal. I’ve always felt the love and duty towards my daughter shaped my actions and I could never really act in a way that might cause her any personal loss. But now, I’m feeling that, for her well-being as well as everyone else’s, I may well be called to act in a way that might mean a sacrifice of some of my mothering. It’s a reordering of priorities. Not neglectful, but more seeing a bigger picture. Thoughts about how, if I were to act politically on controversial issues, one of the possible outcomes could be conviction. That kind of thought would normally pull me away and back to protecting my little daughter directly. Instead, I’m reasoning that, if this is necessary, sad as it would be, it would be reasonable to follow through on my beliefs. More of a sense of courage in the face of conviction – at least mentally, as in reality this issue isn’t coming up.
K26 I have a very strong sense of corrupt powers – lots of thoughts of how people are being drugged/lulled into complacent inertia by a combination of materialism, allopathy and mind numbing foods and substitutes, fluoride, etc. I feel alarmed at this realisation of the vast apathy and selfishness of society. The crippling wars, horrendous, and the lack of effective networking towards a fairer world for all.
K A sense that my interests and actions are contrary to the interests and actions of much bigger powers – multinationals and governments — and rising fear with that. Nervy, as if stoned, kind of paranoid; that’s distinctly different from the courageous, clear headed stance I was feeling.
M18 Notice that time seems meaningless. Realise that 30 years ago, I couldn’t imagine being where I am now or my life now. But now I am here and the rest is irrelevant. Difficult to get a sense of how I’ve arrived at 51 years. Feel I could be in my 80’s at any moment. The next 30 years will disappear and I will be there. I will be dying sometime and can sense what that is like. It’s like everything is happening now.
M18 During the first three weeks, was getting a lot of flashbacks to being a child. Feeling like I did as a child and seeing things around me with eyes of a child. For example, in a shopping centre, seeing the place as if it were 40 years ago and I was getting an image or flash of what it is like now. Realising that it would be almost unimaginable from that perspective. From there, it is like some space age sci fi image. Realising that we are now living in science fiction – computers taking over the world, etc. It’s like I was the child in the 50’s. Then could imagine and feel in my 80’s. Suddenly, it’s like time disappears, and all my life is happening now, in this moment.
A3 I have a lot of energy and still have positive feelings. Almost like a false ‘high’. My concentration was not good in the morning. I confronted my boss about work and my doing so much extra and asked for payment for lectures I did before Christmas. This has been on my mind for a while but I set about doing it today.
A3 I definitely feel elated – like I was a little drunk. I’m laughing at things – situations that really are not funny — a false sense of euphoria. I should be feeling bad about my break-up with my boyfriend and it’s like deep down I am, but I have this outer layer of lightness – elation or something. I wonder will I fall with a bang!
I had dinner this evening with my father and brother and girlfriend and I had a mixed grill of sausages, rashers, liver, etc., etc., — the works. I never eat that much and would very rarely want to eat that much fatty food. I have been feeling completely full/bloated since. I am getting strong urges to paint the house; cracks and broken plaster bits are beginning to get to me. They have been there for 3 years!
B6 I feel very confident and strong. I have loads of energy. I refinished my kitchen table. I find I really get into what I am doing. The other night I was doodling. I couldn’t stop – an hour. The man I’ve been seeing for the past year, off and on, has decided he really wants to be with me. He’s always been changing his mind – back and forth with me.
H5 I’ve been very honest with people. It’s like everything that should be said is being said. Things that I would consider painful to discuss aren’t a problem. There is no wall, no resistance, just what is. We must be aware of what is. We must be conscious. I fell asleep at yoga today (so much for being conscious!) I feel very tired (9 p.m. ). I have done since 6 p.m. I feel exhausted. Too much socialising. I feel down and am afraid I’ve antidoted the proving. I want to be high again. I suppose with everything there is a low. I need to rest and be quiet. I don’t want anyone around me while I am like this. Clutter around me annoying. I wish I were more tidy. I want to be surrounded with really pleasing colours and I have to buy more plants. This morning, a blanket (which I hate) — the colour annoyed me, or rather upset my eye so much that I knew I wouldn’t be able to stay in the room. It was me or it. I won.
H15 I feel the remedy is radioactive; conscious that with every action, there is a reaction. Each reaction is honest – truthful.
K4 Occupied myself with figuring out my siblings’ birth charts and tried to make some sense out of our relationships. Who was plugged into whom? Last night, disentangled myself from a job I was due to start. I felt like it was going to be too taxing and inconvenient. Felt I’d let someone down by getting drawn into making commitments that I couldn’t follow through. I am relieved to be free of it. Also, persuaded my boss at a different job to give me an extra day. Managed to express what would suit me politely, instead of the usual awkward expression of my needs vs. politeness getting in the way of my needs. Time seemed to go by unnoticed.
K15 Again, I’ve been having very honest discussions with my partner about subjects I normally feel I can’t broach. Stuff about obligations, resentment and feelings of inadequacy. Afterwards feeling more clear and calm.
N3 High energy, swiftness in completion of tasks — bringing a sense of order and organisation to the office. Future plans concretised. End of day – feeling of accomplishment.
N4 Sense of place in the overall macrocosm of the universe, of being an integral part of the present day world as it is – with a sense of place in the generations which have gone before and are to come.
DEF5 9 a.m. — Mild recurrence of same symptoms as yesterday a.m. It’s clear that whatever is at work has honed in on my personal process and matched frequencies with it. As soon as that happened, my sense of moving through a difficult personal emotional issue has become clearer, and I am having a much easier time with this issue. I was feeling stuck, needing clarity and understanding, but not getting it. Now, it seems like everything is moving again, and although I’m not through with it, my progress is relieving the frustration I was feeling. The sense that the remedy has zeroed into the area where I needed it the most is unshakeable.
J3 Back home after weekend. I feel quite clear with my thoughts. I feel as if my partner doesn’t know what he’s talking about.
J3 I feel I won’t go to work tomorrow if I don’t want to, as it really doesn’t suit.
J3 I said very clearly and without backing down what was unacceptable about the way my job was being managed by my manager. Noticed I said things and wasn’t bothered, or didn’t worry about how people would feel.
HIJ It knocked my socks off. I confronted people face to face. I went through a lot of childhood stuff, mostly about my family. I had a chance to talk to brothers, mother, sister, a guy I was dating. It was a chance to confront them. I was in the quagmire, purging stuff. The upshot was positive; people took to taking it on. When I was younger, I’d get angry, destructive, a Tasmanian devil. This time, I could stay in my body and make sentences. It was easier to take in, not pointing fingers, blaming. Some mornings, I’d look in the mirror and I’d look bad! Ugly, only in the morning. I was battling all this stuff. I had facial distortion from muscle spasms; the muscles around my eyes were so tight.
DEF I’m larger than life, passionate, hopefully not too arrogant, an 8 on the Eneagram, which means when we walk into a room, our energy is very noticeable. I’m fighting important battles, fun, elegant, refined, intelligent, focused on what’s right, living more than I have in the past, enthusiastic, outspoken, hopefully not in a bad way, slightly outrageous and a little over the top. My pipes have been cleared, there’s less in between me and the experience of who I am, that’s related to the remedy.
BCD Happy about being able to handle a lot of high pressure stuff at work and remain calm.
A4 It’s so weird – my spirits are too high – like I’m merry. Things are getting to me. It’s weird. I had a massage – I seemed calmer. Yesterday, I confronted my boss – I did it all yesterday. He acknowledged that I did more than my share. I have to set my own limits. High spirits. It’s on the outside – sadness inside. It is masked by this. I have noticed the cracks in the plaster in my bedroom that are in need of repair since the flood. I think I’ll fix them up – the vibes are strong. Also, I’m going to do the garden. Get down to it.
M I’ve been through a period of something like depression, with no sense of purpose. A place where everything seems meaningless. Questioning everything I’m doing and feeling like I should give it all up or just give up. Then, I woke up this morning with a thought in my head — «I’m avoiding the void.» So I thought to myself, if that’s what I’m doing, I better stop. I didn’t do anything, but next I seemed to go straight through to the most amazing experience of love — pure and unconditional. The world seemed brighter, glorious. Just the experience of love, devoid of all need. It wasn’t even like the experience of a baby, because there were no needs. It was more like being unborn. Everything is perfect.
H3 Had a discussion in early morning with boyfriend about what love is. It was very difficult and upsetting. I ended up crying huge tears. Behind it all, I felt centred but very confused, which is a total contradiction. On one hand, it feels easy to say what love is and on the other, who on earth can really say what love is – I can’t.
H5 I am in fantastic form. I’m very happy. Smiling, in my element. Very easy with people. I’m being complimented loads, which is lovely. People are saying I’m very much myself, very easy. I feel so easy and full of love. I’m struck by what amazing people I’m surrounded by. I feel loads of love for everyone. I believe everything to be in its right place. Myself and my boyfriend are having a ball together. I’m laughing a lot. I’m very much into the moment – very aware – yet I really don’t want to do any work at all. I just want to play, come to think of it. I’ve been playing games with people. Funny games. My heart is lovely and light. Desire sex +++.
K9 I want to experience love, lots of love and lots of different people’s love and to express love. I have had a bit of a fixation on one person, but realised last night that he is too dark a character for me and that, ethically, we share nothing. I was feeling how functioning from a wider world view rather than a selfish, immediate, family view is really important to me. How important it is to share opportunities and generosities towards others and think big (globally). Was told that I’m being very positive, I guess this can be inappropriate, irritating and downright insensitive too.
K17 Feeling very tender towards my boyfriend these last couple of days. Not a sexual feeling, just a humane, gentle, caring kind of love.
K As regards to sex in reality, I’m feeling very strong issues about wanting deep sincerity. Aware of the need for spiritual connection; there is a big divide between facile attraction, flirting and true deep love. Maybe a feeling of extremes and of morality.
M3 Feel the need to find more expression for love and tenderness to offset all the hatred in the world. It doesn’t seem enough to feel love – it has to be expressed in action.
M Thinking about love. Aware that there is plenty of love in the world, but not enough active manifestation of love. It feels like we should be doing more acts of love and expressing love more. It seems like the only thing that will save the world.
M Get feelings of bursting with love – for life, for people, for nature. Feeling of being really alive. Experiencing everything in its totality. Saw a rainbow today – felt ecstatic. Kept saying out loud in the car (to myself) how wonderful it was.
M Lyrics of songs irritating me, a lot of them seem meaningless. A lot of songs using the word ‘love’ – but that is not what they mean. Started singing in the car this evening – ‘Would you like to swing on a star, carry moonbeams home in a jar’. Bursting into songs about love.
A4 I still have the high spirits feelings – things are not getting me down. I went for a massage and my friend said I was calmer. Last night, during my dream, I was very conscious that I must remember my dreams and I kept going over what I had just dreamt so that I’d remember. Then, when I woke up, I couldn’t put it together.
H5 Friends saying I’m bright eyed, mischievous, flirtatious. I’m very sociable. Drinking a lot (alcohol). Indecisive about what to do, where to go – not maddeningly so. Dreading the remedy wearing off; I just want more. I’m being constantly complimented. I can’t spell. After a 6 month drought of ‘I love you’ – it has returned a hundred fold. My boyfriend is professing his love very easily, where before it wasn’t easy at all. At times, I am very quiet, content to sit and listen to others. Actually, I find I space off and miss whole chunks of what others are saying. I have more self-confidence – I found myself saying ‘look at that wonderful woman in the mirror’. I was talking about myself. I said it in jest – laughing at myself, but some part of me meant it. I feel very sexy and attractive.
K5 People are being very polite to me! Going out of their way to open doors for me! I was amazed.
K9 Really enjoying female company. I’ve been enjoying male company too, but I seem to be attracting a fair amount of male attention without intending to or being conscious of how. In the pub, a gathering of rugby supporters were very keen to hang out with us and very direct, saying ‘I fancy you’!! Then, on the street, out of nowhere, some man started saying, I want that flower (which was in fact a French stick of bread) and then saying no, I want you. And later, in a club, a guy sitting next to me on the couch just propped himself up by resting his elbow on my back and putting his arm on my knee. I removed it and was laughing with a friend about this and he just put his arm around me and hugged me. It wasn’t threatening or sleazy – more like a temporary lapse of reason on his part, and I felt able jokingly to tell him off.
K9 Felt burnt out in the evening, like I’d been all zippy in the day. A couple of times in the day, a phrase went through my head, ‘clipped their wings’ and a description of how others appear as a result of something I’ve said. Also, I have moments of feeling in full flight – confident, attractive, articulate and alive. Really revelled in dancing, lost myself in it. Waving my arms around, wonderfully free.
M Working with people, patients is very clear. I’m more than 100% there. I’m seeing through everything very easily. Things come out of me and I have no idea where the thought came from, but it turns out to be correct. I’m getting very positive responses from people for my prescribing.
N2 Feeling of surety about my place in the world. Grounded in my clarity of vision – sense of purpose. Place and purpose in the overall scheme of things.
N3 Awoke with sense of having slept deeply and refreshingly. Optimism about the day; feeling of purpose and clarity.
P1 I took the remedy around 3 o’clock this afternoon and I had the funniest time, since a fellow student had taken it as well. So we were bouncing back our giggles until the tears flowed. The unlikeliest things would set us off. I really loved that weekend, bathing in affection is just great. When I came home, my partner was looking at me very strangely when he hugged me. He couldn’t figure out what was different. I feel very tired now and a bit cold; when I was driving I was very warm, even though my heater in the car isn’t working properly. I feel quite rested all the same and I have created a lovely atmosphere with candles, open fire and soft music. I’m smoking a cigarette, I don’t quite know why, usually I only smoke occasionally with a drink, but I feel really cool and teeny (like smallish) just now. And sipping my herbal tea.
DEF8 Occasional feelings today, at brief moments, of changes, more inward focus, then return to normal attention. I’m having completion of dealing with my emotional issue, with a great sense of relief and peace. That the remedy had this effect of jump-starting this process is still obvious to me. I feel like I’ve been carried lovingly through the process, protected and helped. Even now, at the end, I still have a great sense of being taken care of.
J2 I have absolutely no desire to go out. Want to stay in the nurturing environment of the group – in the school, where there is food and my bed. Feeling a bit sad – not like last night, no tears. Just a bit low.
EFG17 My attitude was more relaxed. I had good energy and no nap. I felt that “I’ll have time to do what needs to be done.” I was more relaxed, instead of having an agenda. That was nice. There seems to be a pattern. One day, I take a nap and the next day I don’t.
BCD I feel pretty nice. I haven’t felt very well as of late — anxiety. Now I feel “lighter” and I have been dreaming like crazy. I can’t really remember what I dreamt, though I awoke feeling good. I just feel more comfortable with myself in general. My eczema is definitely improving.
A20 I still miss having someone who cares for me. I do feel lonely on my own. Sometimes I feel I have no one in the world!
A For the past few days I have been alternating between feeling low, lonely and several times wondered if I had been ‘forgotten’ by … who? Maybe the universe. And then also feeling positive and in good form. When feeling good, I got a kind of exciting knot in my stomach, as if something wonderful was going to happen. I’ve noticed that I am in good form when I am with people but when I’m on my own, I tend to feel totally alone – nobody cares and forgotten.
A Another thing playing on my mind is the fact that I have nobody – no partner. But also, I am panicking that I will never get married and that I am getting too old for anyone to want me. I feel it is almost a disgrace that I am not married and that people talk about it – again, I’m almost embarrassed to be single. But also, I feel alone – I hate being alone. I get very sad when I am on my own.
K19 Yesterday, felt very unsure of myself in company, unsure if I was welcome and felt left out. Wondered where all my friends had gone to and was thinking of friends who no longer live around. Longing for a big safety net of friends. A remark by a friend which was tinged cut me very deep. I felt incapable of clearing up the situation, though agonised over it and wanted to explain to her that she’d misunderstood me.
K Mood wise – I’ve been going out a lot less – feel very busy. Also I’ve been having definite bouts of depression where I feel very sad and gloomy, coupled with exhaustion. This is usually in the evening — been feeling very let down/unsupported by people. Like I’m feeling disappointed in people.
IJK Wanted to be taken care of.
M Last night, I had the horrors that I wouldn’t connect with my friend when she visited. I have no words — nothing to say. I feel very removed. Then I thought, «Maybe we’ll get to know each other again.» I can’t imagine how I could give a case. I don’t know what’s going on — there’s nothing going on.
M My greatest love is my plants. I’ve planted masses of plants in my conservatory — all edible. I don’t want to leave here. Being in my conservatory is like being in a space capsule, with everything I need within arms reach. I can see everything outside, but I can’t connect with it. More wonderful is, I don’t have to. I like watching the world from here. I can watch the rain and not feel it. I don’t have to connect with it — it doesn’t expect me to. There is a great stillness and a sadness.
A7 All I could think of yesterday was just get through the day – then there’d be the weekend and I wouldn’t have to work or meet any strangers. It was a battle putting on a brave face. I felt really worthless and alone – nobody cares. Then my sister rang and she picked me up a bit. An interesting thing was, during her phone call, I knocked off loads of loose plaster from the bedroom wall!! Up until now I have been careful not to disturb it in case it would come off!!
A8 I met some friend after work for a drink and a meal and that was good. I told a couple of them how I felt – I didn’t mind them knowing. Today, I still felt deflated, but not as bad. I still feel worthless and couldn’t look in the mirror while I was getting my hair cut. I looked wrecked. Apparently, last night I looked really drawn and pale.
B I’m starting to feel like people don’t like me. After I first took the remedy about two or three days, I was in Galway, and I felt like a lot of the shop keepers were being very rude to me. I’ve been getting the feeling people don’t really like me – boring conversation – its not a nice feeling or really bad either. Sometimes it feels a bit uncomfortable. My spelling has turned to shit.
M I will go to any lengths to avoid people. I don’t have a horror of company. I’m more worried about the effect I will have on people because I can’t communicate. I’m afraid they will find it upsetting. It’s like going through space and you meet something and it’s there and you go on through space and can’t imagine the something and it’s not there. One thing I’ve lacked through this proving is optimism.
G General feeling of having to do something about myself now. Things coming to a head with the girls. Awful feeling of being a failure as a mother, alternating with great happiness and content. Spring is fabulous. Very tired – fatigue, but think that was because tooth episode was very exhausting.
K13 I’ve been finding my toddler really hard work. She’s out of sorts, I’m feeling very ineffectual as a disciplinarian, so it kind of accelerates and then I feel more angry with her.
EFG Frustrated, I can’t accomplish what I set out to do.
EFG Feel worthless. Why even bother trying to get anything done? What’s the point? Waste of time.
EFG I felt worthless. Why even bother trying to get anything done? I put an agenda in my head. That’s my normal program. I want to do this and this. I wanted to work in the garden, but, physically, I was too tired. That’s unusual, sleeping in the day.
IJK Really tempted to antidote herself – was in a store and picked up Tiger Balm, thinking to inhale some, disappointed to find that it was sealed in plastic. “How long is this going to last? I want it to be over really soon. It’s a disaster to my life.” Had been crying, sobbing, frustrated. Can’t function. Watched the movie ‘The Governess’ and felt so sad (such a sensual movie) to think the lady ends up alone with her art. Feels she doesn’t have time for her homeopathy, working on a hard case, and also trying to run a practice to try to make money, and “I can’t do all this”.
A9 Totally worthless. I was not dirty, but I had reason to be ashamed. Ashamed almost to be seen, as if there was something unclean about me. What’s the point, what does my dad have to live for. I feel angry. Angry with myself. I’ll never trust again. I feel I should be more angry.
A21 My housemate kept asking me questions and I felt irritable towards her – I didn’t want to talk. Also she had been having a bath, with the music really loud, and I could feel the noise getting to me as well. It was Gregorian Chant music and I felt, that’s the last thing I need! As soon as she left I turned it off. As the evening went on I relaxed and, by the time I got home to my father’s place, I was fine – still a bit tired though.
B9 I woke up and I told myself not to wake up in a bad mood. When I got up, the house was a mess – not much worse than it was before I went to sleep. I started screaming at them to clean up. My shit mood is lifting. I’m just afraid I’ll be too sick to go away.
B10 My mood is lifting now – same as yesterday around 8-9 p.m. – when the kids are in bed. Very frustrated with the house being a mess – no desire to clean, but once I get into it I feel much better.
E2 Totally exhausted this morning. I just couldn’t pull myself out of sleep. I feel quite irritable. I was very annoyed when someone moved my cushions in the lecture room and then someone bumped into me as I was carrying my rice krispies to the table. I felt very angry. People commented that I looked tired. My eyes are puffy.
E3 I’m irritable. This morning, I feel everything is going too slowly for me. I don’t want to write down the case in class. It takes too long. People are saying I’m acting like a child – not in any derogatory sense, but playful. I feel playful and mischievous. I feel a bit out of my body. I can’t quite get grounded or earthed – very spacey. I think people are looking at me. I’m saying outrageous things — critical stuff that I’d normally keep to myself. It’s out of my mouth before I can stop it.
E5 I’ve been in the worst form before my period I can ever remember, and such a bitch to everyone, especially my husband. I seem to have been pushing and pushing to see how far I could go. If the shoe had been on the other foot, I would have left I think. Better from once period started, though.
G7 A general feeling of not being able to cope with unsatisfactory bits in my relationship with my husband. Impatient to sort them out, feel I will burst with frustration, want to see someone about it all now.
H Blunt and outspoken to relative strangers.
H I can be very impatient. I’ve noticed I bought a very deep red velvet shirt – very luxurious. Not the colour I would normally ever go for and I’m wearing the same colour now. It’s like the deepest, blood red. I find it difficult to think of the words for things. My mind goes blank.
H Sulky, stubborn, with bursts of light-heartedness; critical and unyielding the next minute. Very changeable. I’m going to the fireworks display. I feel I could explode with them. I fear meeting with people in case I react badly to them. At the moment, a person doesn’t need to do anything and I could react badly. I said to my boyfriend ‘I can’t stand the woman downstairs’ (with sheer distaste). He asked me why. I couldn’t say – I knew myself I was totally blowing things out of proportion. I hate when I’m like this.
H Extremely irritable before period. Totally intolerant of people – want to be left alone.
K8 My boyfriend said he didn’t like me on this proving, said there was a funny energy off me, like a force field of negative energy, like someone who is having a bad trip! Strange, as I’ve been feeling quite comfortable in it myself. I think I am being less sensitive to his feelings without realising it. We talked about living in separate places. I feel the need for more space. I’m resenting cleaning up after another adult and answering financially to him.
K13 This morning I was very angry at waiting for 45 minutes for someone. Incensed, even. But by one hour later, when I saw them, it barely mattered anymore. It turned out we had both been there; my first response was, am I invisible?
K14 Socially, I’m in good form, chatting and easy company, though at home I’m critical and challenging and obstinate. I’m absolute, not negotiating.
K Sleeping deeply, cranky in mornings, groggy. Cranky at home, feel constricted, bored, trapped. Better for getting out and moving around and for a sense of purpose.
K I’ve been thinking of how I want to eradicate all my double standards, aware of things I tolerate sometimes and not other times, etc. — tolerating things in myself and not in others.
N2 Lack of softness, but not cruelty – directness – no-nonsense approach when directing (as opposed to suggesting) to a person how to solve a particular problem. When thinking about my advice patter, while I could see the lack of softness, I am aware I matter-of-factly told the person what to do.
ABC20 “Bad angry state.” (I don’t know if it’s the proving). Scared of anger; losing it. “Really mad” … «Raging” (Don’t usually; recent thing). I have been really mad with mother and aunt. The anger relieved tension, but I feel guilty. Goofy, light-headed, slurring words.
ABC I felt ditzy, my natural evil personality came up. Before my period, I was insanely angry. My stepfather died at the end of June and I also went to another funeral. I felt angrier than usual. I was really mean to my sister — was awful at work. I felt really uptight and whacked out. I was already touchy and paranoid. I’m still that way. I’m going towards normal state. I couldn’t formulate sentences. I looked at words and couldn’t pronounce them; I’d say something else. I was mispronouncing words the first couple of days. At one point, I didn’t hear from my supervisor. I left messages. I thought, “Have I done something wrong? Did I insult her?” Normally I would put it aside. After I talked to her, it was okay. My sister would say I was very angry through the proving. I had panic attacks, like a continuous panic attack. My sister went away for a week. I wanted to be alone and no one to call me. We had a blow out when she came home. That was about it.
DEF It’s time for an adjustment. Also, menopause is kicking in. I had one hot flash, felt like a niacin flush. It booted me in the rear. In general terms, I’m having mood swings and my sleep is disturbed.
A Since Wednesday, I have not been feeling great. All day Thursday I had a sick/panic feeling in my tummy. Up until then I was very complacent about the meeting in Madrid tomorrow – as if I was in denial that it wouldn’t happen! Then suddenly it hit me that I had no overheads ready and I didn’t know what I was going to talk about. I was panicking now. Then, to make matters worse, two of my students had deadlines for Friday and they needed help – I didn’t know if I was going to make it.
A When driving to the airport today, was very aware that I was travelling on my own again – always on my own. Against all that – I love flying. I just love being above the clouds where the sun is always shining. It is like being close to heaven. Yesterday, at work, in my panic about getting the overheads ready and my total lack of confidence about giving a talk, I said to my work mates, ‘What would happen if I just disappeared? What if I went off, didn’t go to the meeting and just disappeared so no one would know where I was?’ It is amazing how this feeling keeps coming up!
H5 I was sure we had a study group tonight, that it had to be rearranged. Remembered talking to someone about it but no, it’s next week. I’d told others as well. I felt I dreamt the rearrangement.
K8 In work, I’ve been making mistakes, like going to the toilet and locking the front door, but forgetting to unlock it again. And only an hour later, when no customers have come in, realising ‘whoops!’. I panicked inside, feeling like ‘oh my God – shit, shit, shit…My boss is going to know and kill me.’ That’s it, I’ve definitely blown it – now how can I cover this up – will she know? Then she rang looking for one of the other people who works there (he almost definitely must have tried to come in) and I feel like ‘bollocks’, he’ll probably get into trouble for not showing up and then tell her he did – and I’ll have to explain myself. But I can’t, she’ll think I’m stupid. Or I’d better do lots of odd jobs to make up for it. Then I flush the water from rinsing a gloss paint brush and turpentine down the toilet of the upstairs flat – a stupid thing to do, kind of inconsiderate and I’m trying to wash it out, knowing there’s no one in the shop while I’m doing this. Aargh – I don’t at all like this feeling of being so incompetent and like I’m trying to cover something up.
K10 I’m laughing at myself a lot and at my mistakes. Again, wondered if I’ve lost my job – fretted because I noticed the shop was closed when I went by. I wondered if I’d forgotten and was meant to be in after all. Again, feeling that I’d done something wrong and am going to be told off.
K A feeling like I’ve forgotten something, haven’t grasped the full picture. Talking politics a lot.
A Off to Madrid next weekend. Don’t want to wear black anymore. Not up to my face anyway. I bought 3 roses for my garden. A lot on my mind about my garden. I’m feeling I need to take responsibility for my life. I feel homeopathy doesn’t work. What’s the point, I don’t know anything. Feeling ugly/worthless. That has been strong after the last weekend.
B11 Yesterday, I had another shit afternoon. It started around 2 p.m. – completely fed up with the kids. I think it’s the transition of them coming home – all morning I’m doing my own thing – they’re coming into my space. Today I woke up feeling like I’ve been up for days – my eyeballs were sore and dry and still are. Again today, I had a crap afternoon – totally stressed. I panicked about money, not having enough. My phone was cut off because I guaranteed for a friend of mine and she hasn’t paid her bill. That didn’t bother me a bit. I thought I was cut off because my bill was in arrears. I was ready to call Telecom and give them hell. I was so mad. This evening again, I’m fine. The kids are at their dad’s. I felt very anxious dropping them off – ready for an argument. I felt like there was a knot in my stomach.
H13 I feel really hassled by money. I’m spending too much and others aren’t contributing their fair share. I feel like they spend loads on themselves and then expect me to pay, or rather I end up paying, for everything else because they’ve spent all of theirs. It’s not fair. I’m really angry about this. I can’t afford to support others. I just do not have the means. I had a good scream in the house. My throat aches from it.
H Lately, I’ve been waking up early, worrying about everything, especially money. I’ll worry for one hour and go back to sleep. This is definitely a new symptom.
EFG10 I was having money issues, kind of big stuff. Usually I have the knowing that the money will be there. I have investments and last year I had a big capital gains thing. (Day 11) This morning it was ahhh!!! How can I pay this? Usually I know. I have enough money.
A Very low space. Feeling of being wronged. Revenge feeling, if I had a knife I’d kill him. Would wonder why the universe would do this and that for me. I came up in realising the strength needed to come from inside myself. I feel more in control of my own destiny. Now doing things for myself e.g. feng shui.
A2 I feel not present. I said ‘I did grow horns, I didn’t grow horns.’ Hard to concentrate – had to get people to repeat things. Sense of separateness.
K5 Instead of going to the loo, I went through a ‘private door’ in a café and felt like ‘oh shit, I’m about to get told off’. Chatting more at ease, more natural.
K8 Generally, it’s like I’m straining to be alert (not awake) for fear that I’ll relax and make some other mistakes or errors of judgement – or get distracted from what I’m meant to be paying attention to. Feel I’m really not with it, like I’d like to shake something (a feeling in my head) and be more alert. Its not that I feel drugged or dull, but more like I’m about to make a mistake and I’m straining to ensure I don’t.
DEF2 The sense of disorientation/dissonance I experienced last evening is also present in a much diminished way; it is only really noticeable because of my more profound experience of it last evening.
DEF8 The last several hours of the work day were somewhat difficult today. The difficulty lay primarily in focus and motivation – as the afternoon progressed, it became increasingly difficult to push myself to do anything related to work. There was no up-surging of emotional material, but the difficulty in focus is very similar to the morning when the most intense symptoms appeared. They were also void of emotional content at the time, but later seemed to catalyse it. The same sense of heaviness was quite noticeable (physical and emotional heaviness). Again I wonder about a correlation to low blood sugar.
EFG12 I’m not sure about anything. I pinch myself all the time.
A3 Shapeshifting seems to be coming up. I picked out the crow (Animal Cards) which is about change. It’s time to take that step. This remedy might help me to go forward, rather than going back or to the same point. Rather than jumping all the cliffs to find some paths. Change the inner situation rather than the outer. I think I might go for a retreat. I have a desire to travel for six months, have some space.
A Feel like getting on a plane and going somewhere. Want to go to South Africa, to my friend – the urge is there. Will ring boyfriend. Take the power in my hands. Not just sit and wait for him. Part of me didn’t want people to know how I was feeling. I was able to talk to my friend. Anything outside my close circle I didn’t want to know. ‘Let’s do it’ has led full circle to ‘what’s the point’.
K7 Most striking was on waking, deciding I was going to move out and it was my decision . A sort of cut-offness. Later, I phoned and enquired about flats – in a sly way, as when my boyfriend asked if I was phoning for someone else, I said yes. I’ve been wanting to convey this to him and discuss it but feel afraid of the mountain, also waiting finally for the right moment.
K17 Feeling flatter today, deflated, wondering if I might be coming down with a flu or something, with a fogginess and tightness at the back of my head. A huge desire to get out of the house. Also, a desire to be left alone while doing the housework – not wanting anyone else in the room or talking to me while I’m working. I want to think, need space and quietness to think. Also, feel I want some exercise – went cycling in the wind and later in the rain and felt loads better for it, though afterwards felt jittery and exhausted trying to keep up civilised chat (again this was in the kitchen.) I’m definitely aggravated for being in the kitchen.
A I have also noticed my nails are nearly clear of white bits, which is very unusual. Also, I remembered dreaming at some stage about having big streaks of white bits down my nails. I have become very conscious of how my nails look. In Milan, I bought a nail file and nail hardening polish!
A Some day last week, when I was feeling down, I happened to go into my ‘massage’ room and spotted my remedies. I had a thought, maybe I could take something. ‘Hydrogen’ was on the shelf and I thought that would be good – it might make me ‘high’. I was amused at myself and had a thought that I could become a homeopathic ‘junky’!
B3 My form is really good. My friend is getting married in two days to my ex-boyfriend (we were very close). I went shopping with her today for her wedding dress. It didn’t bother me at all. I’ve really been struggling with this situation for the past six months; it’s not bothering me. Usually I swing from ‘it’s okay’ to ‘this is really shitty, bizarre’, but there hasn’t been any swings for today (unusual).
B4 10:30 p.m. Tonight, I was thinking about my routine that I go through every night, after I put the kids to bed. Read, do the dishes, make the lunch, put clothes out for the morning, fold the clothes that have dried from the night before, put the wet ones on the clothes horse, put clothes in the washing machine. The past few nights, I don’t want to do these things – I really don’t want to do them. I tell (I keep smelling garlic, I haven’t had any garlic tonight) myself I won’t do anything tonight. The thing is, I’m afraid to leave my ‘chores’. I’m afraid I won’t be able to catch up on them if I just leave it. This week, it seems like I can’t keep up on the laundry – it’s the same amount of clothes as always, but the basket is always at least half full. I’m seeing things out of the corner of my eye (more so than usual), only at night. I can’t really describe what it is. It’s not really spooking me.
E I’ve done loads of gardening this Easter – cutting back and tidying up. This is unusual, as I like the garden to look a bit wild usually. I’ve also done lots of painting on the house. I know I should be typing cases, etc. but I feel the need to do physical work. I’m finding it much more difficult than usual to concentrate on mental work. I really don’t want to do anything intellectual at all – I even have to force myself to write these notes.
H13 Feeling down, I completely overreacted. I was very thankless for what was done for me (dinner was made for me). I got really furious because enough was made for five or six and I felt it was a total wastage of organic vegetables, as only two of us were eating. I slammed down the plate and stormed out of the room – trembling. I felt out of control – totally over-reactive and ashamed for my outburst. I feel silent and stubborn. I do not want to talk. I can still feel the sadness of the film ‘Shakespeare in Love’, the heaviness of crying. (This is worse than usual, although I always feel physically exhausted after crying.)
H18 I really don’t want to do any routine, day to day stuff – like cleaning and tidying. I’d love if someone else would do it. I’m not doing it and the chores drive me mad. My bedroom is a complete tip. An explosion of clothes all over the place. (I’ve never been the tidiest, but this is out of control.) On the other hand, I’d love to get rid of all the clutter, clear the spaces and create really lovely spaces to be in. I just want someone else to do the work. I’m lazy in that way.
H Everything extremely untidy – upheaval – hate it.
EFG18 Want to get going to stay on schedule to be in bed by 10 for early start tomorrow for clinic in Bay Area. Don’t want to linger or browse at grocery store – just get home. Get home at 10:20 and find kitchen with dirty dishes – lost it. Got mad, threw groceries on floor! Mind going – should I go to clinic or stay home? Couldn’t get to sleep before midnight.
EFG Frustrated. Why do I have all this work to do? Cook. Shop. Tidy up. Clean, etc. Why should I go to clinic? Do I learn anything? So much driving – no stimulation. Where do I find stimulation? Took a shower > went to sleep.
A10 Getting up was hard today. I didn’t want to see people. My eyes were swollen. I had to hide. I think I’m coming out of it. Today, I felt I’ve achieved something
B2 I went through a ‘poor me’ thing, but only lasted 10 minutes (unusual).
H1 Grew quieter, calm, didn’t feel a need to include myself. Felt I was staring off into space. Staring at people, but more through and connecting in some way. Later, in very happy, jovial form – engaging people.
H2 People are very friendly to me. Smiling. I feel very amicable. Feel warm and generous. I spent loads of money on shopping. Don’t care. I’m staring off into space.
H Very social and extroverted. Seeking attention. Sparkling eyes and reactive energy, engaging everyone in conversation, bouncing from one person to another. Restless and impatient (to the extreme).
H20 Feeling tired. Want to be alone, although the right company could change my mind
K7 Noticed I’m reluctant starting anything new or changing my occupation, though quickly I feel ok once I get going. Even change of company from visitors to study group left me feeling jittery. I wanted to talk about it.
K13 Before going to bed last night, I felt quiet, depressed, triggered by a minor incident but a deeper feeling of not being looked out for. My reaction was one of ‘I want to leave this family.’
J2 I feel more included in group and an important member.
EFG26 10:20 p.m. I kind of lost it. I was tired. I got home and my daughter hadn’t done the dishes. I threw the groceries on the floor. What am I doing? I was frustrated. Why do I have all these things to do? Why should I go to the clinic? I ended up not going.
CDE20 I feel like I don’t have time I need for the work I want to do, and I don’t have much privacy. There’s a lesson here, a spiritual lesson, and I am not learning it. Woke up this morning with no anxiety. I kept looking for it. Where did it go?
B6 If I don’t have sex or alcohol, it takes me ages to fall asleep. Off and on all week, but mostly today. I feel a bit suspicious; maybe I only took sac lac.
E1 I took the first remedy going to bed last night. I lay on my back as the tablet dissolved in my mouth. I felt as if my body was splitting gently and painlessly down the middle. I felt as though something was growing out of my chest or where my chest had been. It might have been a flower, but I’m not sure. I then became acutely aware of my feet. I was milling them off each other. They felt incredibly soft and small and baby-like. I then felt like a baby. It was as if I whizzed back through time and was a baby again. This was an incredible feeling. I was aware that I was smiling. I started to realise that I was making sucking motions with my tongue and mouth. This only lasted about 30 seconds. Then I was back to myself again.
M Something like telepathic links with people. Happening a lot. One night, lying in bed, started sucking like a baby. Had a desire to lie on my back with my head tilted back.
E Very sick last night. I felt very tired all day and went to bed early. I then began to get really severe diarrhoea. After a couple of hours of this, I began to feel I wanted my mother. This became a totally overwhelming feeling. I was absolutely bawling, crying. I could imagine the feel of her hands and her smell when I was small and her arms. I wanted that so badly, it was a physical ache in my chest. I cried like this for about half an hour. It just felt like all my pores and ducts were ejecting stuff! A purge. It had been a long time since I cried about my mother’s death and I think I needed it.
H4 Laughing a lot. Very playful.
K22 I’m laughing out loud and freely at funny things on telly or in life. My laugh is stronger and freer – looser.
M Find myself getting very absorbed in movies – the way I did as a child.
M Seeing things same as the first time I saw them, e.g. a jet plane. Remembered the first time I saw one in school. Teacher brought us out to see it and I couldn’t understand it. Felt the same seeing it this time. Song ‘Leaving on a jet plane’ going through my mind.
CDE10 Laughing and joking (much more than usual).
H4 I feel I’m not pronouncing my words properly. I keep tripping over them. I asked my friend; he said you’re just becoming aware of it. I went to the bank, just realised I completely overspent the other day and haven’t enough money to cover my rent. I’ll be able to sort it out, but this is not like me at all.
P2 I felt very spaced out, found it hard to speak, the words came out reluctantly. I felt like a person in cotton wool, very detached, not being able to focus, thoughts forever drifting away. Very diffused, as if important things and unimportant things are the same, no filter function of the brain. Every information seems to be equally important, the boiling kettle, the sales contract of the house. It’s weird.
ABC1 Noticed kind of a goofy feeling and was slurring my words and couldn’t type properly or write. I didn’t sleep well in the night before this, so I was pretty tired, but I’ve never slurred like this before!
ABC1. Words slurring. Felt spacey. Waking up with anxiety. Problems formulating words; typing numbers backwards. “Having a hard time.” “I feel verbally clumsy.”
DEF4 My handwriting has changed – is more chaotic, less controlled and legible. If I were unaware of a reason for the feeling of emotional fragility and low-level cranial pressure, and for the deep disquiet, I would be concerned about my emotional/mental balance.
A I had a fixation with math equations at some stage during the month.
E5 Went hill walking – an incredible day – sunny and clear. We could see for miles. Loads of small lakes and then Kenmare Bay with Macgillycuddy’s Reeks in the background. It was really warm, and when we got back down, it was such a pleasure to paddle in an icy cold lake. It felt like my dream of wading across the river on the smooth pebbles.
G2 External sounds very clear. Birdsong – everything in the garden is beautiful.
CDE I was feeling so calm, euphoric, a mellowness.
CDE3 For most of the day I felt quite euphoric. We have two cats and I was sure I had left one of the cats in the house, but when I returned, the cat was gone. I just couldn’t understand what had happened to the cat. I searched the house completely, and couldn’t find him. I expected to find him dead. Then I thought, maybe somebody came into the house and let him out. Finally, my husband found him outside. Then I remembered I had, in fact, let the cat back out before I left, and I began to seriously worry that my memory is getting really, really bad.
H From time to time I speak in a little girl’s voice.
H12 I feel very exhausted. I’ve just seen ‘Shakespeare in Love’. I cried and cried at the tragedy of it all. I feel a bit empty. Was their love so big because they knew it could never be? And why didn’t they just run away together?
H Crying at the news at Kosovo. Watching the refugees plead for bread just brought tears to my eyes. The world is a very sad place. This is the first time I’ve let myself look at the news. I have been avoiding it (unusual).
K7 Feeling low, flat, down tonight, and very still. Almost suspended, managed to get my legs to float in the bath tonight and felt I’d love to just float on water for hours – what peace. Soothing.
DEF4 I woke up this morning with a less intense echo of the feeling I had yesterday during the day, of heaviness, lethargy and difficulty focusing or performing tasks. Most things seem too difficult. I have a heavy sadness, a weighed down, sinking feeling that there’s no use trying anything – it obviously wouldn’t work, or be worth the effort. I just want to lie down and sleep, or turn my back on everything for a while. I almost want to hide. I feel like there are invisible weights pulling down at the skin and underlying bone at the outside corners of my eye area on both sides of my face. My head wants to drop lower and lower until it finds something to rest on. My stomach is borderline upset. A general feeling of unsettled stomach. I feel emotionally fragile. Much less emotionally balanced than usual. There is a vague, low-level feeling (as earlier in this study) of upper cranial pressure – diffused, not focused, but nonetheless definitely there. The feeling of cranial pressure grows more noticeable and is more focused, localised in what feels like the upper central region inside my head. It feels connected to the upset stomach feelings at the back of my throat. The feeling of stomach unrest extends down the front of my abdomen from upper to just below.
J1 Late evening fright – felt upset and hurt. Going to bed upset. Very hard to settle.
HIJ A lot of crying. That passive part of me grew up. I told the man I was in the relationship with, ‘Sometimes I feel like a man that has to hold everything together.’
DEF She needed her hand held during the proving, which was very unlike her. Some of her friends drew around her, supported her, giving her hugs and encouragement to get through this difficult thing she was going through.
H15 The other day in town I saw a woman with an extremely thin face. I got a flash of what her skull looked like behind this thin veil of skin for a few brief moments. I saw everyone’s skull around me. I knew what they would be like, regardless of the amount of flesh on their faces. I didn’t want to dwell here. For all my money concern, I was pick-pocketed last night.
H20 My friend, who I dreamt had died, had a car crash just last night. Thankfully, she is just bruised. The car is a write-off. It feels connected, but maybe I’m reading too much into it.
K5 Find myself drawn to an illustration of a male torso with a skeleton of a wing and a skull and a beak of a bird. Though I’ve seen it lots before, I felt I only just appreciated its beauty.
H Burping and farting loudly. I’m turning into a man! I think it may be a result of eating organic.
K4 Yesterday evening, on getting back from the course, I found my daughter to be very hyper, changeable and demanding. I was at a loss as to how to deal with her. I felt like I had forgotten my basic skills in parental authority or discipline. I knew I needed to react differently to how I was, but I couldn’t. She stormed out of the room and closed the door. Then, a couple of minutes later, she cried alarmingly and I jumped up and found she’d wrapped a piece of twine around her neck a couple of times and had managed to even loop it – anyway her efforts to get it off were making it tighter. I got it off her quickly but she felt my shock and fear and was very upset. Again, I felt calm on the outside, but yet more intense inner feelings. It made me think about the umbilical cord and babies being born with it around their necks. Also, I felt some kind of guilt, or like others would blame me that she’s put this around her neck.
K5 Yesterday, while having a phone conversation with someone, I felt our discussion was going nowhere so I ended it abruptly and hung up. The feeling of futility of either getting involved in a dispute or trying to persuade anyone to think other than they do. Like it would be a complete waste of energy. Something to do with not wanting to grovel or be indebted. Either they freely wanted to do something or not. On the way home, took a detour walking in the rain to see the river. It felt important.
K9 In one of the workshops, I felt really excited by the information being spoken about ‘vortex’ and the memory of water – felt an overwhelming need/excitement to speak my ideas, but incredible palpitations and nervous sweat anticipating this. Better once I spoke.
M3 Woke thinking about Greed – feeling upset about it. Feel the need to identify and root out all areas of greed in my life. Also upset with all the greed in the world, but feel I must start at home. Thinking about the seven deadly sins – there is nothing wrong with pride, lust and anger. Only with greed, gluttony, envy and sloth.
M19 The whole apocalyptic thing is getting to me. Heaven coming back onto earth and all hell breaking loose – although I have no fear with this.
M20 Return of an old phobia from my youth. Feeling of fear and horror on looking at black holes with rough edges, e.g. plaster on a ceiling where water has come through and the edges are curling away. Or having thoughts of something like amethyst forming in a cavity brings on the same feeling of fear, horror and revulsion.
M Feeling of spirals coming from the top of my head. Feel full of smoke at times, particularly in the morning. (I do smoke, although I‘ve never before felt full of smoke.)
M Sometimes, feel I’m contracting inwards. Implosion. Other times, expanding. Feel I’ll explode with feeling e.g. love, etc.
M Feeling of excitement, like something amazing is going to happen.
M Thinking about people who have things coming through them, but are not balanced. Acid trips – instant opening of some consciousness. Then go into shock – are not prepared.
M Staring a lot.
CDE One thing I have noticed, I’m obsessed with ageing and death. A lot of dreams about this. For example, relatives living in an upper floor of an apartment in New York. They were confined to their apartment. Another was in a nursing home (a dream). I was instructed to stay with patients who were dying. Tennis, I was feeling terribly confined, unfree, before. I get out early before my mom gets up. That and the physical exercise in the morning makes me feel free.
CDE7 A symptom that I had before the proving that has disappeared since the proving is tiny little panic attacks that would last a second or two, on waking. I’ve had these off and on over the last few years, and they are gone now.
K At least 3 times in the proving, I have had visions of terror just at the moment of dropping off to sleep. Once, an image of the kids bedroom being on fire. Last night, of someone trying to break into the house and peeping in the window and me not being able to hide from their view. Another time, I didn’t remember the content, just the occasion.
H I’m getting messages on my phone and not bothering to call people back – only if I really want to or have to. I feel slightly irresponsible, but really, I don’t care.
K20 The other day, I felt suddenly extremely small (more than usual) and I’m noticing tall people a lot and feeling envious of their height. Maybe related to this, today I got the notion that I had osteoporosis and that my spine was shrinking in length.
M Feeling physically smaller than others
M2 Very irritable. Irrationally irritable – getting irritable with my husband in public (something I would never do). Not able to stop myself, although I was watching myself and wondering ‘why am I doing this?’ I was anticipating him getting critical and getting in there first.
M Night, driving home. Drive for 5 miles, seeing snow on the ground. Drove very slowly to avoid skidding. Everything looked very desolate. A feeling of desolation. Feeling worried – if I crash or get lost I won’t be able to contact anyone. Then I realised that there was no snow.
N At this point I believe my ego or learned self as opposed to my real self caused me to antidote the remedy – the ‘good’ feeling is dangerous, etc.
DEF4 I feel restless, uneasy, but drained. I feel almost too restless to sit still, but with no energy to get up and move around. I feel a deep sense of disquiet (almost dread).
P1 There’s a bit of sadness as well. I would love to have my partner to myself this evening in order that we can talk.
EFG1 I’m noticing that if I sit down, I notice symptoms. It’s interesting about the cold symptoms. It’s kind of like …whoa!
CDE1 I visited a friend. She has an incredibly beautiful garden with a large lawn, beautiful rose bushes, lilac, rhododendrons, etc., ringed by a creek — an idyllic setting. After leaving her home, I went straight to the nurseries and bought some plants and gardening supplies to try to bring some life back into the garden. When I removed the plants from my car, I noticed that the front seat was dirty, began cleaning it and realised I was cleaning up blood. I had transported a friend who had had severe uterine bleeding which turned out to be cancer of the uterus. As I was cleaning the car, I thought a lot about her father who had died about a year ago, and could almost feel his presence.
K25 Two words came to mind regarding the proving – sincerity and economy. Though I have been babbling away throughout, but that comes down to fun and being sociable – wanting company and exchange. My boyfriend said this of me on the proving, that I’ve been freer, getting on with my own thing more and clearer in my thinking. Also, that I have been more tidy than usual — that’s really funny, as I’ve felt such an aversion to the housework. I think I’m just more efficient when I do it. I was a bit dizzy, scatty and excitable in the beginning. Overall, he says I’m more separate from the family and not very intimate.
M Observation of a friend: She has her eyes closed all the time during conversation, but will stop, even in mid-sentence, if I avert my eyes. Otherwise, she sits continually with eyes closed and a permanent smile on her face.
IJK Felt the remedy had to do with Authenticity – what is real, being deeper with myself, that it’s ok to feel it swelling up.
EFG I am finishing up being a prover for this proving. I am left thinking, there has to be an easier way. Two hundred years later we are conducting provings just as Hahnemann defined, but is there not another way? Kind of like, “Here, you try this mushroom and see what it does to you. Maybe it will just make you sick for six weeks.” Rather barbaric, in some way. Still thinking on it.
H22 Weepy – the question of creativity has come up again. Is it a fear of not being creative? I’d love to have the drive to just ‘do’ and not worry about the result.
ABC20 Worries about the people she cares about. Emotionally, released some grief about her sister and step-dad; felt better after she cried.
Dreams
IJK Dream: Men were cleaning a porta-potty; she wondered who would do that as a job? She watched as shit poured over him; she thought, “Oh my god, what kind of place can he be in?” Wondered at his non-reactivity. “Could this be a sort of Zen-like state, when is shit not shit? Or just a loss of some kind of awareness? What would it take to do this job?”
A12 Dream: Space ship in the sky – like a meteorite going along the sky. It was aimed at me. It changed direction and did 90-degree angle and landed on the ground. Male space man was looking for me. He had a space helmet.
M1 Dream: In my car, driving. There are two parallel roads which meet at one end. I’m driving in from the end that meets the right hand road. As I drive up this road, a large cylindrical marble column (like from an ancient Greek building) crashes to the ground in front of me and is sliding towards me – rolling and sliding. I quickly go into reverse and quickly drive backwards away from it, but I keep looking at it. Suddenly, I realise that there could be other cars behind and take a quick glance over my shoulder. There was nothing there, so I continue to reverse until I reach the part where the parallel roads meet and I drive into the left hand road. As I drive up this road I see a large building on my right side. I know this to be a government building – a super space-age building. I went into the building. A lot was happening inside. Busy people – walls of computer-type screens and buttons. I noticed two people who were translucent and illuminated from within. They were glowing with a red light. Then I was dying my granddaughter’s hair red. I was delighted, as I had discovered a brilliant means of doing it which involved making three parallel parts across the back of her head so as not to get any dye onto her scalp. She was restless and I was having difficulty getting her to sit still.
N4 Dream: Of space and galaxies like ‘Voyager’ (T. V series), about journeying through the solar system, planets and various sizes and colours. (Shows a picture)
M3 Dream last night: Am going through space. Everything is very dark. I keep passing pools of water. Very murky. There is a slight bit of light catching the surface of the water and I notice that all the pools have an oil slick on the surface. I wake feeling very depressed.
M18 Dream: Looking at the sky – clouds are gathering from all sides and coming together – they are swirling around faster and faster, forming a vortex in the centre. I’m looking up into this vortex. Then I think, ‘Good God, there is going to be a massive storm.’
M Dreams: in space – black holes.
EFG4 Dream: I am inside a foreword facing clear cone made of green triangles, pieced together. I was the only one inside. Small living things wanted to get in (to me?) — attack mode? I was feeling protected by the glass. I wondered if it was like being in a cone of an aeroplane. I couldn’t say I was on the ground. I felt the entities were trying to figure out how to get in.
CDE11 Dreams: In the first dream, I went to a meeting in which Ron Dellums, a retired Congressman from Berkeley, who is called ‘the conscience of Congress’, spoke. Then a woman spoke to offer a different point of view. I can’t remember what the issue was, but the woman had a great opening line, which I can’t remember. There was also a dream about a boy who had just graduated from high school. I checked my daughter’s yearbook, and found that his name was Max Green. Then I saw a photo of him in the yearbook. He was standing on his head, and he was green, from toe to head.
CDE4 Dream: I had a couple of dreams. One was that we lived in a house with my daughter’s room facing a well-travelled street. My daughter’s room had a window, kind of like a store window, facing the street. My mother-in-law didn’t like what we had in this window and said that we had to change it. First I went shopping with my mother for a book to put in the window, but we knew my daughter wouldn’t read it, and she seemed a bit too old for the books we were looking at anyway. Then I had another idea: to get her an animal that she wanted. I went to the pet store and bought her an animal which probably doesn’t exist in real life. In my dream, I didn’t know the name of it. It had a broad head; it was a reptile of some sort, and you couldn’t pet it because it was like a cactus or a porcupine. But it was a sweet little creature and we all liked it. Then, so it wouldn’t be lonesome, we got it another creature to live with, but not the same kind of animal, so they would not mate and have babies – or if they did, it would be a completely new species. Then we realised we had to get these animals food, and there were other things that they needed that were in a catalogue. The next time I went shopping, I brought home a foreign exchange student. I was worried about the process of acquiring a foreign exchange student – about them just being in a store and waiting to be chosen. I asked the boy how he felt about that. He seemed okay with it. I asked him if he was afraid to be a foreign exchange student in this country after a girl who had come from Argentina and was staying with a family was so brutally murdered. (This was a recent news item in real life.) He said no. That’s as much as I can remember of that dream.
I had another dream in which my mother needed minor surgery. I took her to the hospital, and we were told that President and Mrs. Clinton were interested in becoming a doctor and a nurse, and that they would be doing my mother’s surgery. I could overhear the conversation that my mother was having with President Clinton as he was doing the surgery. The only thing I remember thinking was that he had a southern drawl just like her own doctor. (Her doctor does have a southern drawl.)
M Dream: I’m in London. The purpose of my visit is to visit everywhere that I ever lived. So I do this. Then, I’m standing on a street with a group of people. They ask me if I will call to the house later. I say I will. Then they go and I realise I don’t remember where the house is. I then notice I have lost my shoes. So I go to a shoe shop. The first shoe shop I enter is a very old shop with boxes of shoes behind an old, wooden counter. I ask an old man behind the counter for some good winter shoes. He says apologetically that he has none. Then I tell him that I also want runners. He says he has none. I leave the shop and go into a shoe shop next door. This shop is super modern with a young man serving. I ask him for a pair of winter shoes. He says that he is out of winter shoes, that the summer stock is in now. I tell him that this is very strange in February. He looks at me as if I’m mad and informs me that people usually buy winter shoes before the winter and not at the end of winter. As I was about to leave, the old man from the first shop arrives in and says he found a pair of runners. He is holding a pair of silver grey Nike runners with the Nike symbol very clear on the sides. They look very small to me, so I ask him if they are size six. He says yes. I try them on and they fit perfectly, so I buy them.
M Dream: I come into a roundabout. The roundabout is life. I’m driving and there is traffic on the roundabout. I’m negotiating this and finally get around and off. Next, I’m coming back onto the same roundabout in a different form — this time on foot and trying to keep myself visible to the traffic. I get around again and get off. Then, I just keep coming back again and again and again to the same roundabout, every time with different transport or in a different form. I have a feeling of intense loneliness — I’m always doing this on my own. While there is a certain amount of interaction with others on the roundabout, ultimately I’m completely alone.
G3 Dream: My brother and his girls are going to live in a town in the States. We are looking at the atlas as though from an aeroplane; sometimes it’s a plan, sometimes it is a picture. I’m in a high rise block in a high place – I reached in through a tunnel – trying to phone from a first floor flat – empty, large, tiled room, like an underground high up – large, wide views outside.
N1 Dream: Flying – being above, looking down on my life as a young child. Very rapid progression from scene to scene.
N1 Dream: Monsters – childish dreams – vague, multi-dimensional, many headed, weird large animals.
M Dream: I’m looking at my elbows and hands. The are translucent, with red light shining from them. Then I’m looking at something black or a black area. A light starts to grow out of the darkness, getting really bright and beautiful. This happens two more times when I look at other black areas.
G4 Vivid dream of a large city built on a grid system. Dreams of being chased and sought out down long alleyways with my son, 12 years. Groups of antagonistic people looking on and breaking through occasionally. Trapped in a stationary car and escaping, just as I was about to be killed. Vivid, colourful, front doors and winding passages.
H15 Dream: I am with a group of people. It turns out one of them is a ‘godfather’ type figure. A Mafia guy. I’m very surprised and try not to think of the awful things he could’ve done. I discover this as I’m leaving.
H20 Dream: Driving – there’s a sense of danger. A young woman has been murdered. Searching for the body.
K9 Dream: Last night, dreamt of an old school friend and her mother. Calling to their house and not feeling her mum very welcoming to me. I thought my friend was really attractive, and she had a large tattoo on her shoulder, a black tattoo. Big, with a circular form – beautiful. We were outside with her mum and she was trying to move her Land Rover, but saw it was difficult and she needed a push. There was something about me not doing the right thing, but I felt a huge urge to help. My good intentions weren’t either being appreciated or were ill placed. Then the scene changed and my sister and myself were standing in the canal (supposedly in Galway). The water was very low and next thing, there was a huge, lumbering crocodile in the water – I was exclaiming to my sister, ‘Oh my God, look, a crocodile in the water.’ I used to paddle and wash in there. To me it was obviously a change and dangerous, but I was having difficulty conveying this to her. I also commented on how the water looked really dirty now, but it didn’t used to.
K19 Dream: Last night, of being among four or five people being assessed for a job. It was kind of sinister. I was speaking about homeopathy and then someone put his hand on my shoulder and said, ‘You’re the one that I want’. I felt worried, like some knowledge that I had or skills would be put to some dangerous use against my will and I thought to myself, ‘This is the only time in my life where I’ve been the one and it is not good.’
M Dream: I’m near the top of an apartment block. I notice a large net in the sky (like a fishing net) coming down on the apartment. Some things like towels or blankets fall from it onto the roof. I’m thinking I ought to get out of there. Then I notice that there is a war going on all around. Very space agey looking war. Fast planes with fire coming out of the backs of them – zooming all over the place, dropping bombs which look like balls of fire. (This was a couple of days before NATO started bombing Serbia.)
CDE6 Dream: I dreamt that a friend of mine from Kenya was going to nursing school in Alabama, and they had locked her in a box and her life was in danger. My dreams always seem related to events of the previous day. I was unable to remember any dreams on waking.
IJK Dream: A door being pushed in and me trying to press with all my body weight against it to not let it in as I felt whatever it was, was going to harm me or my girls. Pouring gasoline around the perimeter of my first ex’s property and wanting to set it on fire with a match, but being unable to do it.
M Dream: In a hotel, I went back to my room. The door was open. Inside was a very friendly cleaning woman. She held up my keys and said ‘You left them in the door’. Then the owner came in – a very old man — a bit absent-minded. The woman referred to me as a regular and I realised I had been to this hotel twice before – this was my third time. The owner was doing something with what looked like a very old sewing machine – small and very ornate. But it wasn’t a sewing machine. He was producing some kind of labels with it. The man then told me he would like to give me his rabbit. I knew it was not a real rabbit. I went out for a walk with two of my children. We were on a small country road. I could hear some large piece of machinery coming up the road. Was trying to get the children off the road so as not to get squashed by the thing. Got them into a gateway. Went back to the hotel – saw a dark hole in the floor. It looked very deep, but couldn’t see down it — it was very black. Was concerned that someone might fall down it. Then discovered that my daughter had fallen down another black hole in the floor. Wondered how she managed to, as the opening from this hole was quite small. I was looking around, wondering how to get her out. The hole appeared very deep – but I couldn’t see down. Thought we might be able to drill through from outside the hotel. I was trying to organise this, while being concerned that they would stop drilling when they reached the hole and not drill through to my daughter. I heard that she had come out of the hole herself. The hole was not very deep, she said. I was amazed that she could come out from such a small opening.
A17 Dream: I was in the lab at work and it was time to go somewhere to collect something (I think). There were two chimneys with loads of smoke and fumes coming from them. I was with a couple of people and we were outside where those chimneys were. I was commenting how awful it was, all that stuff polluting the place. Then we noticed that there were black pieces of hard stuff being blown out as well and they were falling to the ground. They were big pieces and sharp. We were ducking out of their way because they would hurt badly. Then I was driving with one of the men and he was very upset about it. It was as if he blamed himself for the stuff. He drove around and around because he was so upset. Then he kissed me while driving – he didn’t care that he couldn’t see the road. Then we arrive at my friend’s house but I was driving now. When I parked the car, I went too far onto the kerb and had to reverse. When I got out, I had a puncture. My friend was standing, waiting and she was delighted because she just found out she is pregnant again, although she keeps saying her son is 11, but I say that doesn’t matter, the triplets are only five. Then her husband arrived and he was delighted too. They wanted me to stay the night – I was only a bit worried about the puncture, but then another man arrived and set about fixing the puncture – I was very relieved and impressed that he came to help. I didn’t stay the night but set off to find somewhere to get the tire fixed. There was more, but I can’t remember the details.
K Dream: of being in a war torn country and that we were amongst people being displaced. The dream is of packing the car and trying to think of everything we will need. Preparing for a rough life – needing a saw for cutting wood, etc. There was very little emotion alongside that, just a feeling of inevitability.
H15 Dream: I got a phone call to say a very good friend had died – falling off a cliff. My first thought was, ‘Was it suicide?’ and then I knew it was just an accident and that she had just slipped and fell. She was always off on some adventure or another. I was devastated. I was moaning and crying in utter disbelief. Then I dreamt I woke up and was totally relieved and I rang the people to make double sure and they said, ‘Yes, it is true, your friend has died’. So I just couldn’t believe I’d never see or be with her again. Then I woke up. A total nightmare. I don’t know what’s real and what isn’t right now.
HIJ15 Dreamt of 2 deaths – sister and cousin, with bodies speaking. My sister was in a casket – slightly moving, speaking. When someone asked her a question, she answered, «In a funeral parlour.»
Second dream: My cousin was dead when I asked or said something to him. He lazily opened an eye. Mumbling. When his brother asked him about a credit card through a Vietnamese connection, he answered him with full, coherent phrases. He got the credit card unfavourably, Mafia style. The price was too high, now that he was dead. Couldn’t pay up, they would come after the family.
HIJ Dream: I had a dream about death. I was dying, extremely ill. I was surrounded by my daughter, ex-husband. There was so much pain, like a growth on the side of my face, vibrating, throbbing pain; I had to stay. People brought pieces of love. A friend’s piece of love was devotion, taking care and duty. I wanted a piece of me, a touch inside my heart. We have to remember a piece of you is being pollinated, sparked to germinate. My (boy) friend didn’t have it. I interpreted the dream that my needs were not being met. I was a beam of light. My passive self was dying. I had given all I could give, staying true to my promise; even on my dying bed, he wasn’t there for me. I hadn’t broken up with him; I later did break up with him.
CDE2 Dream: I dreamt about the friend who had uterine cancer. In the dream, two of her friends had called me to express concern about her. They called her to find out what was going on, and to get her to go to the hospital. She refused. Then I went to talk to her. She was angry with me for interfering. Then I got angry and hurt, but we resolved it. I also dreamt I got the letters “soosoo” in a Scrabble game.
CDE3 Dream: I awoke this morning right after a dream about a friend of mine who is now about 70 years old. In this dream she was telling me about an earlier time in her life when she was about 35 or 40. As I was listening, I suddenly didn’t recognise for a moment the beautiful young person who was speaking to me. Then I realised it was my friend at an earlier age. Her hair was reddish golden hair, and she and her partner glided across the stage, looking very graceful and happy. They were very popular celebrities, loved, admired and sought after. Her partner was also a musician in a small band. The band was playing, and then suddenly, the instrument he was playing sounded as though the air was going out of it. The music stopped and my friend’s partner died, very prematurely and unexpectedly. Next, she was telling me that everyone had begged her to return, but she just couldn’t go back to the place where she had lived during that part of her life. In the next scene, she was attending a ball of some sort honouring Senators’ wives. Everyone was exquisitely dressed, and she walked to a place in the room and curtsied. A short time later, all of the other women did the same thing. That was the end of the dream. The feeling of the dream was one of having experienced a beautiful time in a friend’s life.
CDE Dream: I awoke this morning remembering a vivid dream about a woman whom I became friends with for about a couple of years, and then she moved away about fifteen years ago, and we did not keep in touch. I dreamt that her husband had been killed in a robbery. I attended a memorial for him, thinking there would be so many people there that I wouldn’t even have a chance to see her. Instead, it was a small group, and I spent a long time talking with her. To my amazement, she was perfectly calm and serene. I kept puzzling over how she could be so calm after her husband’s sudden death. I decided it was either because she was too shocked to realise what had happened, or, having already lost her first husband, loosing the second one was less painful. We kept being served trays full of food, and the server would say, ‘This is a Catholic dish’, or ‘This is a Protestant dish’, or ‘This is a Jewish dish,’ and I thought it was nice that all those religions were represented. I think that part of the dream related to the fact that my friend was a devout Catholic, and all of her friends (except me) seemed to be from Church-related activities. When she moved, there was a big good-bye party for her and I wasn’t invited. I was hurt at the time, and always wondered if I should have asked if I could come, but was too shy to do that, but do think no one would have minded.
A1 Dream: I was marrying my boyfriend but there was something about the dress – it was an old dress but that was ok. We were sitting at a table. There was something about the ceremony – I think the offertory was a bowl of food, either tomato salad/fruit salad – something red. My boyfriend had to put this dish and another in the freezer. They were frozen and wouldn’t be thawed in time but I said we could go ahead with the ceremony and come back to that part – it would be thawed by then. The second bowl he put in the freezer looked like it contained hard-boiled eggs (without shells). I hate eggs so I decided to ignore them and leave them there. I said to my boyfriend’s father at some stage that we do things backwards here. Everybody laughed as if that were definitely true. Then my boyfriend was marrying me but I didn’t have to be at the ceremony – he married me without me being there. I arrived later but was conscious that I was only wearing jeans and an orange top — I wanted to be in a pretty dress but I didn’t have any. I felt I had no one to get one for me. My boyfriend’s father seemed to be around – I seemed to be talking to him at different stages. A girl was standing beside me and slightly in front of her father and talking to me. She was saying that her wedding was on the same day her mother died. But it was ok. Apparently the marriage went ahead and she catered for 50 people.
A2 Dream: I tried to remember my dreams but could only remember parts. There was something about someone getting married again, not me, but another girl. I don’t know who. Her boyfriend was stabbed in the kitchen and died, but later we found out it wasn’t him at all – the whole thing was set up to make it look like him
H21 Dream: My mother was marrying my father again. I’m helping her get her rings and dress together. She’s very happy and I’m happy for her. It is a statement of how much they love each other. I meet a very old school friend and she tells me she got an invitation. A woman shows us how to eat cactus or aloe vera. Walking through fields with an old friend. She’s pregnant and feels very large. I point to my sister and another woman who is also pregnant to try and make her feel better. I sat down and my hip bone stuck out like a plucked chicken. It had the chicken flesh as well. It was disgusting.
H Dream: It’s my wedding. I’m searching through my clothes for something decent to wear. I try on loads of things, panicking at the state of myself. Try on a dress, look for a slip, eventually I’m ready in a dark long dress and a hat. I feel shabby. At the reception I feel very self-conscious, as if everyone is looking at me. I smile at my new husband, pretending to be happy. I should be happy. Then I think nobody knows I’m the bride as I don’t look like one. There are many people there I don’t know. People from my past that I never, ever knew. No friends. We walk up a very, very steep hill and sit at our table. It’s no different than everyone else’s. I wished we could face everyone, have a bridal toast. So those would know it was me. That we could celebrate together. Husband’s family were not there. I remember getting my father to brush out the dust from my coat. It really was a total disaster.
CDE21 Dream: Had a dream that our next door neighbour said that his wife was filing for divorce, was no longer living there and had moved to San Francisco. It was very realistic. I should probably check on them.
H Dream: Friend had several babies. She couldn’t decide on names and had post-it notes on their foreheads trying them out for size. One of them took a great liking to me and the mother said I could have her if I wanted. I wasn’t too sure. Dreaming of my old great Aunt. I’m having great difficulty remembering my dreams.
K15 Dream: I was being told that I have been suffering from post-natal depression since my daughter’s birth and I was talking with someone about the birth and how I’d felt horribly cheated by having a caesarean. How I felt like I hadn’t even given birth to her. In the dream, I had the knowledge that I had to unearth these feelings again and look at them. I woke feeling like the dream itself had been hugely cathartic and it had given me a sense of direction, like a way out of my stuckness.
EFG I remember I dreamed about a baby’s bellybutton. I remember them discussing if we tie it here, put a knot in it, what would happen later on?
H1 Dream: I’m on a double-decker bus; I’m passing my old school. There are new buildings. One is a hospital. As the bus swings by, I look in the big windows. I see an operation taking place. Then, in all the other windows, I see women stretched out naked. I wonder about their privacy and why the blinds aren’t down, as this bus passes all the time. I go into the hospital. Everywhere I go, people are stretched out – unconscious. It’s a weird feeling. They all have their gowns on and are comatose after operations. I see a poster of a marijuana leaf on the wall. It says, ‘Use hemp gloves, no rubber allowed’. I get lost and then a nurse punches a code into the lift which brings me outside. I was glad to be out.
H1 Dream: Myself and my boyfriend are following a hearse in a foreign country. We lose it in the crowd. We’re trying to find out where he will be buried. There’s a comic element to this dream. We’re laughing and looking up the death notice in a foreign paper.
H Dreams of arguments with my boyfriend. I felt he was being very unfair to me. I took him into a very small room and told him I would not be treated this way.
I dreamt about being in another country. We were cycling, my boyfriend and I, on the right side of the road. We were moving very fast and it was kind of frightening. Cars were whizzing by at a fierce rate.
I passed a clinic called the ‘colic clinic’. A woman from my childhood was running it. It seemed it was the opening night and everyone was just leaving. I saw a file with chamomilla and another remedy and a file on myself; I had it in my hand. I was wondering what was being said about me and I was just about to take it out when the owner caught me in the act. She brushed by me with a disgusted air. I ran after her and tried to excuse myself. She made me speak into a telephone. I felt I was being interrogated. I had to speak and say exactly what I had done and the detector test would know whether I was telling the truth or not.
EFG Dream. I wonder what happens — probably I dream all night. I wasn’t going to tell you this one. It relates to the insecurity. I was in a warehouse with hundreds of people. It was like an auditorium, not a home or a party. It had grey walls, maybe concrete, and there was nothing on them. There was a row of lights, waist high, that were square and coloured. They’d go off in sequence around the room. Maybe the overhead lights dimmed. I couldn’t really tell you what’s going on there. It made me think of CPR (Cardiopulmonary Resuscitation) training. A dummy was on a table with wheels. It was covered in cheesecloth instead of plastic; the full body, not just the head and shoulders, was covered and covered tightly, like it was glued on. There was this other dummy and whoever did the presentation would kick the dummy to keep it under the table. They’d move it with their feet, no respect, or slide it back underneath. It would only come out if they moved the table. Then there was a break. When I came back from the break, my boyfriend wasn’t there with me. I felt he was before. He wasn’t in the action, but I knew he was there. After, I couldn’t find him. I was looking around and I saw him with another woman. This is where it feels personal. Here there’s two hundred people and he’s there with a woman with no top on and she has perfect boobs and I don’t. I felt disappointment, let down. Is it the same thing as the money thing? What you think is there (money, friend) turns up not to be there. What gives you security?
CDE14 Dreams: One of them was that I was visiting some relatives in New York. They were an elderly couple, both 90 years old. They lived in an apartment on the second floor of a building. The husband was no longer able to walk down the stairs. The wife could only go down the stairs once a week to shop for groceries. I wanted to find these people an apartment on ground level so that they could both get out more. There was another dream about a couple of men constructing a racetrack. I don’t know if it was for bikes or runners. One of the men ran around the track and I was impressed at how fast he ran at his age. He was in his 40’s or 50’s. Then I was on a bicycle, and the brakes didn’t work. I had to ride a long time to let it slow down so that I could stop. But then I rode some more, knowing there were no brakes. There was another dream about a large dinner that a group of us were fixing. I can’t remember the details.
CDE I dreamt that I was volunteering in a nursing home. I was told that my duty was to be with the dying patients. I was supposed to hold them. I was taken to where the dying patients were. I looked at them and they looked pretty healthy, to my relief. One woman was brought in who was having difficulty breathing, but even she looked pretty well. The dream ended before anyone died.
CDE19 Dream: It was about a woman, who I had known when I was a child. In real life, this woman was coarse, friendly, had ugly teeth and ran a store. Her husband had had tuberculosis. In my dream, I met her again, and she had become a very sophisticated and elegant social activist. She didn’t remember me. She tried to place me by asking me who my friends had been. A woman was angry with her because she had given the woman TB.
BCD Woke up at 6:15, remembered an erotic dream I had about this Serbian guy that works with a friend — pleasurable but strange!!!
A Dream: spiritual feeling in it. A guy with me. The connection between us was almost spiritual.
G2 Dream: (reluctant to be bothered to remember it — can’t be bothered – don’t want to do it). My husband met again with a woman I had cause to be very jealous of a few years ago. They were chatting and laughing – a bond there, not necessarily sexual though. I was violently jealous. Other family people about, many and vibrant. Dream changed to a room full of many young children enjoying a party. Loads of exciting party food and decoration. I came in surprised and very annoyed. A heavy indignation at such proceedings in my house. Who was responsible for this? My own teenage daughters had invited them and they were treating them. A deep and dark indignation ruled me and I ordered them all out in the middle of their happiness. Cries of annoyance and horror at my reaction and a flash there of a draggled group of children making their way along a dreary road. I was aware then of this other group of family members, as in my first dream, and the hated woman in merry togetherness and looking at them. Again, I was black and heavy with jealously and resentment. My brow was very tight and heavy, with a big furrow from my hairline to between my eyes. This throughout all the dreams. Another dream that I blocked on remembering involved the woman and my husband, same way – happy, chattering, warm, engaged. Me dark, brooding, with that heavy furrowed brow seeing everything though an immensely jealous eye and heart. (It wasn’t that I altogether feared looking at my dream. I knew it could be interesting for the proving – but I just ‘didn’t want to’ or a decided carelessness.)
H3 Dream: Dreamt of a guy who was into gazing at me from a distance.
H Dreams of old lovers and loves.
M Dream: Having affair with a young man. I was explaining to him that the affair was going nowhere, as I was concerned that he would get hurt. We were keeping the affair secret. Then I was at the Irish Conference and he came over and put his arm around me and 300 people at the conference knew that we were having an affair. One of his friends said, ‘Did you do it?’ I had a dilemma. Do I tell the truth or deny it? I decided to say, ‘Yes we did’.
HIJ8 Dream — Encountered a female lover. It was temporary. She was a cousin I didn’t recognise nor did I feel shame about. Attracted to her physically. No real inner connection. Also, very much having a stronger magnetism for a man, the male species
CDE5 Dream: I dreamt that I went to a fashion show of sorts and the models were wearing practically nothing, and I thought they looked awful. After watching them, I saw some older women dressed in ‘normal’ looking clothes, and they looked like they had too much on. So then I wasn’t sure what looked ‘right’ anymore. Then I dreamt that I bought a box of silverware because it only cost $6.99. When I opened the box up to look at it, there was so much of it, all of it ugly, that I wondered how I would get rid of it. I dreamt I was on a train to Los Angeles and wanted to buy my husband a present, so I bought him two ‘Zena’ tickets which were for train fares on days on which there would be entertainment on the train, but I doubted he would ever use them. When I went to buy them, the man had some cardboard and a ruler, and proceeded to make the tickets. I kept asking him if he understood that I wanted ‘Zena’ tickets, and he said he did. Then I dreamt that my husband and I went to a fundraiser for a men’s charity, and it was very expensive. There were two ‘celebrities’ from the 70’s there, but we hadn’t heard of them before. It felt like a scam.
H13 Dream: I met an old school friend. She was pregnant. We walked up a road. On about 10 doors, there was a stone sculpture of an abstract boot. Inside the stone lay eggs. It was a christening invitation. I came home but it was my parent’s house. My friend’s partner had settled himself in my parent’s bedroom. He was smoking there and I asked him to put it out as I knew my parents would not be pleased. I moved the furniture around and then could not remember what way it used to be. I was afraid my parents would be angry with me.
A5 Dream: I was visiting my boyfriend in Dublin – I needed to talk to him about whether he was going to Milan or not. He was in a furniture store buying a bed and table and I think something else. I felt apart. I was not included in his choosing. Then he had to go to his parents so he couldn’t talk to me – he rang his mother and they had just got a new dog – they were very excited. He was avoiding talking to me. Then someone asked what time was the train and next we saw it coming in the distance. We were far away from the stop – we ran so fast and just made it, I pushed the door in with my bum (I was carrying something). The carriage was full and first of all they wouldn’t push in to let me in – one girl was disgusted that I was pushing in with my back. One of the other girls told her to let me in and then they made loads of room for me. I was back in my boyfriend’s place with the new furniture and he was gone, but one of my friends from Cork seemed to be there as well. I was surprised. She seemed to be dressed in a nurse’s uniform. She came into the room and turned down the stereo. Then we said we’d go into town together. Just as we were going, I realised I had forgotten something, and I ran back, but I seem to be in a big college or something and I met an ex-boyfriend sweeping the floor – I jumped over the pile of dust and said hello. On the way back, I met him again and we started chatting – he told me he has two daughters. They arrived and they were two little girls with dark hair and brown eyes – I noted their hair wasn’t red. Then he said one of the girls we used to know mentioned me in her paper – so he showed me it and I couldn’t find the name – I was conscious that the other girl was waiting. I think I was gone a couple of hours – I felt bad and thought, if only I hadn’t stopped to talk – I did have a choice – I thought about making choices in life and how making different decisions can make a difference in the outcome.
B8 Dream: I was at the movies — there were a bunch of guys there, some of them I knew – they were talking and getting loud. I started screaming and cursing, getting very angry. They weren’t listening. I came downstairs and it turned into my neighbour’s house. I went into her kitchen and she was painting. I was feeling very angry and upset. I went through the back into my house. It was bedtime for the boys and they weren’t listening. I was screaming and hitting them. I started biting my son’s bum – I was so angry. Two friends came over with their children – I was angry at that. I told them someone was stealing my coal and one of them said it wasn’t true. I was just putting big fires on – they wouldn’t believe me. One of their boys moved my toilet onto the spare bed – I was fuming.
H1 Dream: Director of our school and some of her friends came to Dublin. She had decided that my flat would be a good place to live. They come in with buckets of yellow and white paint and started doing the place up. I was helping them. Then I was thinking, where am I going to go? They expected me to move out and get a new place. I was thinking to myself, I don’t want to move; I’ll never get a place as nice for so little. Dublin prices are outrageous. Part of me felt I had no choice. I started to cry. I then decided, fuck it. They’re not moving in here, they can get their own place and I’ll pay them for the paint. I knew they’d be annoyed, but they can’t take over.
H4 Dream: Dreamt my landlady had another big room in the basement. It was old and hadn’t been used in years. She was clearing it up, scrubbing the tiles, replacing the windows. I was afraid she was going to sell the house. I asked her daughters and I was relieved to hear no. I dreamt of making my flat gorgeous. The main thing was using loads of plants everywhere.
A5 Dream: I was supposed to give a presentation on a particular bacteria I’m not familiar with. I wasn’t prepared but I kept thinking it wouldn’t happen. I had a folder of slides but couldn’t find the relevant ones. I was in a darkish room with everyone sitting at tables. There was a big screen to show the slides on. The person expecting me to give the talk was a woman and she told me to start. I went up to the projector and started putting the slides in the holder, but I couldn’t get them in properly – it took ages. Then I couldn’t get the projector to move the slides forward. But nevertheless, I thought — right, put on your confident voice and get going. But the first slides were all wrong – they were of children and there was music/cheering playing with the slides – I couldn’t find the right ones. I decided to give the talk over the noise from the slides. I started with two statements about the bacteria and then nothing – that’s all I knew. I covered my face in my hands – it was a disaster. It was an awful feeling – I woke up. I almost think I woke up on purpose because I couldn’t handle it – it was safer to wake up.
The dream reminded me of a time in school when I was in a class debate and I wasn’t prepared and the teacher singled me out as being unprepared – I was mortified and disgusted, but I knew she was right.
A21 Last night I had an ‘anxiety’ dream – I dreamt that it was Christmas Eve and I had no Christmas presents for my brother and sister – I didn’t even have a card. There was no time to get anything and I didn’t know what to get. So I thought if I could just get some bodies. I was with my mother, father and my sister and we went to Cork, but it was after 5 p.m. and we had to be back in home for 6 o’clock rosary – people would be calling for the rosary. We agreed to meet at 5:30. I ran into a shop (craft, I think) and I thought I would get a wooden salad bowl for my sister – I knew she would like it. But the ones in the shop were too light and bad quality. Now it was much later. My mother arrived and I realised it was nearly 6 — we went into another shop – a newsagents or something – they had some books – I bought a Superman book for someone! I was getting really anxious though, and when I woke up my heart was beating fast and I could feel a knot in my stomach. The feeling lasted a while.
H5 Dream: In my living room. A large bookcase riddled with woodworm. I put a large chest of drawers in the room. After a while, I come back and check the back of it. The wood comes off easily. It has been infected too. I dreamt of an enormous woman. She was so tall and big. I was amazed.
B Dream: I was in bed with my ex-boyfriend (the one that just got married); we were both naked. My friend – his wife — came in and she was very upset. She knew we were going to sleep together – it was like a test. We weren’t doing anything, just naked – she couldn’t go through with it.
H5 Dream: I was going to the loo in pub or somewhere and there was one toilet in the open. The rest of the toilets were in cubicles. I used the open toilet. An old lady walked in and looked at me in disgust. I thought, What’s her problem?
K1 Dream: Last night. That myself, the principal of the school and two others from the class were in the dining room of the school; the principal was telling us she had a task for each of us for the proving. To me she said something that sounded feasible, like shedding/exfoliating a bit of my bodily self. Then, to one of the others (a subsequent prover), she said, ‘You have to shave your pubic hair’. She was very surprised and said a strong ‘Oh’. Then the principal said, ‘If you don’t want to do it, I’ll do it for you!’ I thought to myself it was no big deal and that women used to have it done routinely before childbirth. Another student complained it takes ages to grow back – about 3 weeks or something.
K3 Dream: Myself, boyfriend and sister were in the kitchen of my house. My sister walked in wearing just her knickers, though this was not significant in the dream. Then she started to take them off. I felt a bit affronted as this was in front of my boyfriend and me. Then, to top it off, she took a scissors and bent down to cut the thread of a tampon hanging between her legs. I went to object at this display when my boyfriend spoke and said it was unhygienic, at least.
K Dream of wanting to masturbate but of being in a public place.
K On the crossover from sleep to waking in the morning, dreaming of being aroused, then realising someone was coming into the room and feeling like my privacy was being impinged upon and expecting it to be my boyfriend, but instead it was my mother bringing in a tray of breakfast. I was astounded it was her – felt guilty about my sexual feelings and thwarted, also dismayed that the breakfast was all sweet stuff, shop bought apple pie and cakey stuff. It seemed insubstantial and unwelcome. I said I didn’t want breakfast in bed, I’d get it myself when I got up.
A I had a dream during the week after having a chat with a girl at work about homeopathy. Some kids were sick and I was asking about it – apparently the little girl had some kind of flu or something, but I discovered that she had chicken pox yesterday, but they didn’t come out. Ah ha, I said, that’s it – the chicken pox didn’t come out. Then a homoeopath arrived with loads of containers of pills. Some were red and reminded me of multi-vitamins. There was another packet of pills and those she gave to the kids. I asked why she chose those ones and she said because they were the ones the kids were excited about when they first saw them. I was disappointed that she said this in front of the mother because I felt it wasn’t a scientific reason and it didn’t look good for homeopathy. How were we going to convince people that homeopathy was not just ‘quacky’ alternative medicine, but was legitimate and worked according to a real ‘scientifically’ based set of rules?
E1 Dream: I was living in a large red-brick Georgian type block of houses surrounding a square. For some reason, I was having to move out, and I was very upset about this. I began walking around a big city. It was dark. Someone let me into a large department store even though the shop was closed. I was alone in there. I wandered around looking at and feeling beautiful fabrics/clothes. Then I came across a woman who was dressing models in a window. She looked exactly like an American politician called Madeline Albright. I asked her to let me out of the shop and she did. I remember waving at her and walking away.
E2 Dream: A large hotel; a friend and I were walking around the garden. There was a balcony with two water slides ending in a pool. The entire hotel, pool deck and inside of the pool was made from a dark, red stone. It was very warm. When we stood on the pool deck, we would feel the heat radiating up from the ground. When we went indoors, there was a priest saying mass in the foyer. We tiptoed past and went downstairs to a dark room.
K22 Dream: Standing inside a hallway of a Georgian house, with the front door open. It’s early morning on a summer day, with a lovely soft sun streaming in. A friend is standing in the doorway and there are two women in the hall at another internal door. They’re both dark skinned, Asian maybe, and I’m noticing how beautiful the three of them are. The women in the hall are wealthy, well-heeled. The whole scene is very serene, unrippled. It reminds me of a 1940’s film. There is a class-consciousness to the dream as well as an awareness of the women’s ethnic backgrounds, something exotic.
M Dream: Driving a horse driven carriage. The carriage was very ornate – an open carriage. The horses were galloping out of control. I managed to gain control and slow them down.
CDE10 Dreams: My dreams were very scattered, but I remember a few bits of them. Two children had come to stay with me. One was a boy of about 17, and the other was a girl about 9 years old. Both of them were extremely sweet and loveable. I went to the school to see how the boy was doing, and there were no problems. I learned that the boy had received permission to drop a social studies class to take photography. My cousin was also finishing up his college work to become a teacher. I asked him about being sure that this was what he wanted to study, because he would be doing this work for the rest of his life. At the school, there was a play going on, and the students were giving an excellent performance, but the school secretary, who had a major role, was stumbling over her lines and reading from cue cards, which marred the performance. In another scene, I was with a woman I know from an environmental education group, and some fish-eating snails had been poisoned, and we were supposed to pick up the snail shells. The snail shells were whole and I did not want to touch then, and I spent a lot of time trying to locate a plastic bag to put them in.
A1 Dream: I was at a meeting with my son and another girl and we were discussing future possibilities, where we could go with the work. We were told to go to see a student’s work and what he has done. I was to go to see some other guy and what he’s doing. I went to the student and he showed me his protein gels and the clear bands he got. But I was told (by the other girl, I think) I should have gone to the other guy, not the student. I went to the other guy and he told me he wasn’t doing anything until April and June (I think). Then I was with a group of people from where I used to work and I was supposed to give them a talk or something (not quite sure) and I wasn’t able to – I felt they were disappointed in me and criticising me for that. Then I remembered the student’s work and I went to the computer and showed them how we could log into his stuff and then his gels appeared on the screen. They seemed improved.
B Dream: My daughter told me she had worms – my son had worms as well. He went to the toilet – after he had flushed, there were worms floating in the toilet. They were long and thin and had wings. In the dream my bum started itching and I realised I had them too. I felt horrible when I woke up. A few days before the dream, I was paranoid I had lice. That feeling lasted 2 or 3 days.
H1 Dream: Driving really badly (I don’t drive), up and down footpaths. I nearly knocked people over, near misses all the time. It was like a large park. It felt like there was a zoo close by. I was almost out of control all the time. There was a funny side to this, too.
H Dream: Corporation men were cutting young trees down because they felt poor people didn’t care. They were planted in a green space in an impoverished area. I was furious, hopping mad. I screamed at them. ‘What the hell do you think you’re doing?’ They just looked at me. I was thinking to myself this proving is really creative.
H15 Dream: I dreamt of walking by a large group of school girls. They were all dressed up in large dresses. One girl had purple bruises all over her face. I called after them, ‘Girls’ and they turned and came over to me. I got them to wait and I went upstairs and got Arnica for the girl with the bruised face. When I came back down, they all had lines of salt along their thumbs. They were licking the salt and pushing it into funny shapes. I felt like giving them a talking to but I knew it would fall on deaf ears.
K13 A dream last night of standing by some water with a boat in it moored at the wall. I was looking on, enjoying the sight of it. Then, suddenly, the sea got really rough, like it had been shaken, and a couple of people went overboard on the boat. Then someone was being dragged out and someone else was trying to revive him, though not doing much. I was panicked and thought the situation was not being responded to properly and wondered anxiously if I could remember how to resuscitate someone and was trying to communicate this, telling them to pump the chest and then turn him head sideways and help him vomit. I got closer and was going to help myself when I noticed the guy looked ok. Eyes open and alertish. There was something about someone else that we knew being on board but gone overboard and concern for her being missing.
K On the dream front, two last week – one of looking at my teeth in a mirror and seeing that the top two and bottom two in the front had an inscribed circle of decay on each of them. I felt a sadness or regret that it was the middle of the teeth, not the roots or the tips, as if this was more wasteful.
Another of some man telling me his father had just died in a fire and the time after his death (the immediate first half hour) there had been some appalling sacrilege. He referred to this period of time as the sacred time and my sense was that he was, in fact, alive or still present somehow during this time.
ABC2 Dreamt of large wood room separator, almost 3 ft. tall and 50 ft. long – very soft and shiny feeling. And there was a long, smooth slide instead of the stairs, made of lumpy and lighter coloured wood, and I slid down. A man was there asking me to be his friend, as he had no family and wanted a friend. I relented. I had been creeping around in strangers’ rooms, boys’ (college boys) rooms, and was just leaving when a young woman was entering and she didn’t like me being there, but the boys were sound asleep, so she didn’t understand what I’d been doing – maybe thieving!! But I enjoyed creeping around in sleepy rooms in the bright early morning light.
HIJ Dream: Noticed a small garden snake that had wandered into the house. (Kitchen area). It made me feel uncomfortable. Knowing it was harmless, I disposed of it without giving it very much thought. Then one day, out of the blue, there was some activity in my kitchen. There was a birth of a bigger, more vicious looking snake — certainly not harmless, but it was awful – mean, ugly, angry, relentlessly aggressive and extremely deadly. This snake was out for vengeance. I was the target and prey. Oh yes, in my own house. Golden brown, honey glazed, the snake was a little ‘thinner’ than the one that was in the movie ‘Anaconda’. However, no less tamed. The snake was able to lurch out, as if it were cord-like. I had on my night clothes. I had to get out the front door. Thinking I didn’t want to go outside in public dressed in this manner. I took a ‘leap of faith’ – re-entered my place to grab anything as quickly as I could, for I was insanely afraid. I barely made it out the house unscathed. Indeed, I was under attack. The snake didn’t give a damn about me. What had I done? (Interpretation: Daily ask for Divine protection. Ability to recognise dangerous people and their characteristics before you let them into your life. They’re after your place/space. To make my house, self, structure safe. A home with True Love and understanding free from the Beast!! Deliver me from Evil by standing up to it!)
IJK Dream: I was a sea bird nesting on top of a cliff ledge, a sheer wall of rock, very aware of the ocean far below, the powerful wind, but absolutely no fear. Felt safe and comfy in her nest.
EFG Dream: I was in a village of grey stone or concrete. Trees and vegetation. Teenagers/high school students playing in the streets. Walked to parking lot, looking for my car. Realised I had parked in town and need to go back and cross the bridge over river. But instead of going back the way I had come, I decided to go a new route, which I had only heard of. Had to walk down by shore of river to another bridge to cross over. I was on right side of river, wanting to get to the left side. Walked down steep, narrow path to river. But when there, found right side of river was flooded. Grey boulders and stones climbing up on right side and natural stream with rain water (it is raining at the time) is flooding over rocks and slope toward the river. At top of rock outcropping are six to eight black cats in front of an opening, rock landing with cave in background. Few cats (two or three) are large – three ft. high. Others are regular housecat size, playful. Remember someone talking about these cats – but they are not threatening. Too much water to walk along shore to other bridge, so head up hill, feet getting wet. Find a metal gate to go through. As I went toward gate, some smaller black cats came pouncing along with me. To go through the gate? To come with me? Cats lived by themselves on outskirts of town.
HIJ1 Dream: In a seaport town, driving around, trying to learn the terrain. Get a feel for the environment, land and people exploring, loving and job possibilities. Saw ships, water, boats; experienced the open air – breeziness (could I live there). Second dream – Someone was showing me a gorgeous fashion ensemble. Pleasing to the eye. Upscale to the max while dazzling to the eye. Rags for a very prominent person. Big fun. I’m experiencing a calm that is so welcoming in my life. Some alcohol. State Board exam and funerals. God is so good!!!
ABC2 Dreamed of long shoe shelves. Dreamed a badger is spread out at water’s edge in salt water, waiting for something. Someone with long hair crying.
E3 Dream: I was travelling in a large ship – heading out of a big port. Then it skipped to me stepping into a clean, babbling, but very cold, stream up a mountain. There was a mother and baby sitting in the stream. The mother was encouraging me to step in. I felt quite nervous to take that first step. The mother and baby looked like a Madonna and child.
E4 Dream: I’m standing on a riverbank, trying to decide how to cross. I have a canoe, but I decide to wade, as the water looks shallow enough and I really want to feel it on my skin. The bottom is covered with smooth pebbles and the water is cold and clear. It’s a beautiful feeling. I get to the other side, but I can’t get up the bank and I keep slipping as it’s very steep. The ground feels crumbly and I can’t get a grip on it.
A I dreamt at some stage that I had lovely, long, curly hair and I had it tied up in a ponytail – it was really curly.
H2 Dream: A dog I knew who has the most shiny black coat in the world was looking decidedly patchy. I could see his skin. The coat was dull and lustreless. About 80% of it had disappeared.
H12 Dream: It’s my brother’s girlfriend’s birthday. There’s a big celebration for her. My brother had proposed to her. We were all very happy for them. I go to the toilet – the Ladies is full and I go into the Mens. It’s full of women too. The stench is awful. I go into a cubicle. The door won’t close properly – it keeps swinging open. I’m trying to hold on to the door and piss at the same time. I wet my skirt. Later, I’m trying on my shoes – they’re green and they don’t fit. The left shoe feels like the right on my left foot. They don’t suit me either, in fact. Everything I’m wearing doesn’t suit me. I’m very self-conscious. (They were old school friends in the dream).
H Flash of a Dream: A wig falling, falling, falling, endlessly falling from a very high building.
K20 Dreams of communicating. Dreams of revelation and realisations, like the penny dropping, only sleep is heavier than usual and I awake feeling more ready for the day.
N3 Dream: Images of childhood, old age, present, all seen objectively (without emotion) as though reviewing my life past, present and future from a detached place.
HIJ16 Dream: I was in a new town. An old junior high associate gave me a lift in her car. Through the small city/town of unknown name we went. Down a hill, near the water and a few small-medium Victorians. By the time we got to the bottom of the hill, I was entering a family’s house full of relatives. I was then in a dress and a man with curly black hair was the escort, vaguely. His relatives seemed to be really happy to make my acquaintance. A very close knit group
J4 Dream: Walking along road – similar to road out of Galway – past Salthill. Road much narrower and old time buildings on either side. I was bringing someone in towards Galway and on the way passed by a shop that a friend of mine owned and worked in. I want to get past it quickly as I knew I would be invited in to have something to eat and I just wanted to keep going. I felt quite afraid and very eager to keep going.
EFG16 Dreamt that I met a young woman who I never met before. Someone told me she was related to a man who lives about a half mile from me. Offered to walk with her to his house and introduce her, as she had never met him. She did not want to go. I could not understand why she did not want to meet her cousin. All I remember was seeing was her face, blonde hair and rosy cheeks. The cousin is someone I know. He’s a real person. I know his parents.
EFG Dream: Family get-together planned for Easter. We come into a house at night – a house I’d never been in before. Went in and saw local family members (mother, two brothers and one sister), could hear the voice of third brother. Brother lives in Philadelphia and not planning to be here for Easter. Have not seen him since Aug. 1998.
CDE7 Dream: Several dreams about snow. I dreamt that I went skiing with my daughter. I was trying to rent some boots and skis, and the woman behind the desk kept doing other things, like rent out condos. Then she was in a snowmobile, and I asked her if she would rent some skis. The dreams were disconnected. In another scene, I was in a car driving down a little street in a snow-covered tourist town. There were dogs in the road, and at first I felt sorry for the dogs, because I thought they had got separated from their families. Then I felt sorry for the families who were probably worried about their dogs. Then I walked down a little road in the town and looked up. The snow on both sides of the road had piled as high as skyscrapers. When I tried to walk back up the road, I had a hard time getting up the very short but steep slope, because I was wearing tennis shoes instead of boots. In another scene, I was parking my car in a parking lot, also in some wintry place. First I parked it the wrong way and then saw other people were parallel parking. So I parallel parked, like the others, and then my car was suddenly a bike. I didn’t have a bicycle lock, so the people in the car behind my bike let me use theirs. These people were black, and I thought it was so nice of them to help me out.
In another dream, a fellow homeopath was working on a homeopathy scheme for which she was collecting money, and another homeopath had some stocks or bonds worth $1 million, and she was going to invest that whole amount in the other’s scheme. I didn’t trust the scheme or invest anything. (End of dreams.)
H20 Dream: A nurse with a full bristly man’s moustache. It was grey and I knew she had chosen to grow it.
ABC2 Dream: My aunt kept fixing her extraordinary, bushy eyebrows or toying with the very thick long ones that hung out over her eyes!!
M Dream: Collecting rats in a box to give John Morgan from Helios. He was pleased and amazed that I managed to collect them.
J2 Dream: Last night, I dreamt I was in a room similar to the bedroom here – one with bunk beds, but the people sharing it were different. I’m not clear who they were. There was a mouse in the room. My friend killed it and it was lying on the top bunk (one of the beds). Next thing, it started running around. I was absolutely terrified. I ran under another bed. A girl that I worked with before came in to the room. She was just out of jail but she looked very calm and peaceful. She was pregnant and wearing a white top with embroidery on it. The flowers embroidered on it were blue and red – deep, distinct colours. She came over to me. I was sitting on the top bunk and she gave me a big hug and told me she was due in four days. She wasn’t very big (i.e. pregnant big). I didn’t think she looked as if she was due, but I believed her. Another girl in the room knew her from work – but she didn’t link into her. Next thing, the mouse ran around again. I was begging the others to catch it. I wanted to get dressed. One of the girls shook my boots for me and there was a mouse in it. The rest of the girls didn’t seem scared – just me. It (the mouse) jumped up on my bed. I was really freaked. Somehow we left that room and went to a house. It was a house where some women ran a prostitution business. It wasn’t scary. They were nice women. They were renting the bottom floor of a house. You walked in the front door and were immediately in the kitchen. She (the woman living there) had moved the dining room table and chairs into the kitchen. There was a mouse in her house. I was still afraid.
DEF1 In spite of earlier successes in remembering dreams to write down when I wished to, I have only the vaguest memories of dream fragments last night. I woke at 4 a.m. from dreaming and then again at 5:45 a.m. , but both times it seemed that there was no real story line, only a chaotic impression of vaguely familiar places, focus and feeling of people I know, and not much more.
DEF3 Dreams again seem to be only fragments and snippets. This time, there was a recurring presence of one of my co-workers. He just seemed to be there on and off all during the night, without any place in a dream. I can’t remember anything else in particular, only him almost just sticking his head in and then being gone, repeatedly. I was aware of almost feeling awake while this was going on. It’s not clear to me whether I was actually becoming somewhat awake or if it was closer to some type of lucid dreaming. It feels like some of each. I was aware throughout the night of being conscious of this person’s repeated presence, and wondering what it was all about.
DEF4 Dreams: I have even less of a clear sense or memory of any dream details this morning than of the last two mornings. I can recover no specific details at all, nor any awareness even of fragmentation, as I did before. I only retain a feeling that I was doing something most of the night. I do feel that whatever I was doing was something like a task or a job or an activity, and it does feel like a self-directed or intentional activity, not just fragments.
ABC9 Dream: Anxiety trying to climb over rocks with deep holes;
ABC1 I dreamed I was in the intersection of the streets of the corner where I live, brushing my knotted hair. I was going to work; there were cars on all the streets and I was pushing this ottoman with wheels on it (it was my ride to work) and I was trying to do my hair and my friend was on a motorcycle behind me and I was trying to talk to him about painting my apartment but he couldn’t hear me. My next fragment of dream was I forgot my money and was going to retrieve it and it was folded and sticking out of a manhole cover, very obviously, and then it turned into the money was stuck in the handlebars of my bike. It was dark and the money was still there, I remember thinking, «Lucky me», so I took it.
HIJ Dream: I looked down on the ground where there was dirt and semi-moist soil and saw coins. They were, however, not that easy to see. You had to re-adjust your eyes to spot the treasure. These coins of change were scattered throughout this open lot. Mounds of money. There was a transportation hub nearby for local commuters. No way all this money was dropped in their feeble efforts to grab exact fare.
Second Dream: Finding money in Church – a continuation of coins. I was in the pew behind an Asian family; they found a torn bag of money. Various bill denominations. They didn’t return it to the Church. They left with it. At first, I thought it was mine. I was thinking, ‘Oh shucks. That was a challenge to their character’.
P Dream: I had a dream which I only can remember in patches – going up in mountains and people telling me what there is to see in nature around and I couldn’t see it, like waterfalls and wild life. I can only see after they tell me. Then I stole three Easter eggs. Well, not really stole, because they lay on a table, as if somebody had forgotten them. There was jewellery also, but I was only interested in those three coloured (baby blue, baby pink, baby yellow) Easter eggs. I got very wet going down the mountain. That’s all I can remember of that dream.
J1 Dreamed that a friend was setting up a business. We bought a load of sweets and were dividing them up into smaller bags to sell.
H21 Dream: Buying and looking at antiques.
H Dream of a New Year’s Eve party. Maybe the millennium party. Exciting atmosphere. My boyfriend was very sad and was going into a grey building. I couldn’t reach him. I felt very sad for him.
ABC2 Dream: I was picking something out of my eye and it turned out to be a long hair that I kept picking and pulling out from the bottom of my eye.
Vertigo
A2 Morning: I feel light headed for a moment and thought I might even faint – this passed quickly
G1 Vertigo — vision floating — people in the room seemed fluid, their voices louder, resonant, clear, disembodied.
G2 Dizzy in the shower – arms and legs seemed made of rubber, as if I might fall.
H Alcohol is affecting me more. Getting drunk quickly. My head spins easily and I must not move.
EFG Lose balance easily, especially while turning around, stepping back. While looking up or down, while moving. Staggering.
Head
A2 I had a headache coming out on my forehead after crying and my eyes hurt. I didn’t think I had cried enough to warrant this.
B2 10:00 a.m. and then 5:00 p.m. Tired. Very slight dull headache in back – comes and goes.
G2 Pressure in head around temples.
H2 Itchy scalp. Right side of head.
H4 Very itchy head in morning.
H Itchy, picking scalp – I can feel the spots.
K3 Also, mild headache, like a bad one threatening last night, just at the top of my head in the dip (fontanel).
K10 A few days ago, I noticed a kind of raised spot under my nose (right side), painless again and at the back of my head, to the left of my spine, just in the hairline, another sort of spot – no sensation – after two days, it became a cluster of little crusts.
K13 As the evening progressed, I developed a bad headache that was more muscular — like all the muscles wrapping my skull and neck were locked solid. { On left side. It might have been brought on by carrying things.
K25 Around 6:30 this evening, developed dull, oppressive headache extending into my neck and shoulders. It came on quickly after using a mobile phone. As I was using it, I thought I could feel my right ear buzzing. The pain was across the back of my head and across the back of my shoulders, like a tightening.
M In the evening, I noticed that my hair had turned over and parted itself on the right side of my head. I’ve always parted it on the left – a natural parting. I put some effort into putting it back the way it was. My scalp was sore.
DEF1 Second tablet, while the tablet still dissolving, noticed oppressive headache beginning; frontal and temporal areas
DEF2 Possibly partially due to anticipation, I felt a response in my head at the moment I ingested the tablet. Within 20 minutes the headache was fairly well developed, although the intensity of the pressure waxes and wanes to no discernible pattern.
DEF2 The ringing in the ears continues unabated. Although still waxing and waning on a long cycle, my experience of the headache has changed to a more gentle feeling of high-toned awareness of my cranium, with very little pressure. The effect now feels like the presence of a bowl on my head, circling all the way around and from the crown down to the level of my ears. I have a heightened sense of awareness, in particular of the crown. The sense of disconnected fuzziness continues, at a very low level.
DEF2 5:45 p.m. – Mild tingling sensation around back of skull, ear-level and below, to level of occiput (Sensation somewhat reminiscent of a mild niacin ‘flush’).
DEF12 The headache from yesterday lasted until noon.
J1 Took remedy. Head feels heavy. As soon as I write this down, heaviness gone.
J I feel as if I’ve spaced – light headed, but yet very heavy, sort of floating. The top of my head definitely numb – not exactly tingly, but a sensation there.
EFG1 Remedy in mouth – sinus thing started. My head was expanding in an outward pressure on the cheekbones, forehead and occiput. The sensation only lasted a half-hour.
CDE2 I awoke with a headache in the occiput and also above the left eye. This headache became very mild but was accompanied by faint twinges of nausea which came and went throughout the day.
CDE17 On a physical level, I have more poison oak. There’s some on my forehead now. It doesn’t itch much. It isn’t raised. It looks like dried skin and it took me a while to realise that it is poison oak.
DEF They alternated, first the headaches, then the emotional stuff, then the headache.
IJK I used to get boils on my head as a kid – one came back several days ago.
M Peculiar sensations going through my head. Sharpish tingling from my ear through head while using cordless telephone.
Eyes
A9 Very conscious of my eyes. They are wrecked and wrinkled and old looking. They are both a bit sore.
B3 Looking very tired – feeling very tired when I am talking with people (strange). Two people have commented that my eyes look tired (glazed, stoned). Someone noticed that my eyes have changed colour, brown around the pupil – normally blue/green.
H2 Twitch in left eyebrow.
H19 Eyelids heavy.
H Eyes streaming (morning) {outdoors
K2 My eyes felt puffy in the morning’
K3 Eyes, heavy feeling, on waking.
K9 Being told my eyes are very sparkly, bright or mischievous.
M2 Watery eyes and nose and a feeling of losing fluid.
M Feeling of a sty appearing on my left upper eyelid. The edge of my left upper eyelid is very sore.
J2 Slight pain around eyebrow – over eyes – lasts seconds
J2 Left eye, outer upper lid, feels dry inside.
EFG1 1:30 p.m. my right eye started to water. It was worse sitting in the sunlight. The left eye was more watery and sensitive to light. It was burning and stinging as if there was an airborne irritant. It lasted a half-hour.
EFG2 The right eye was really irritated, and I noticed it would come on with the remedy that morning.
ABC20 Affected by the remedy; vision impaired. Difficulty reading, typing. Fine now. Fine with words now.
CDE My contact lens is still much more comfortable than it ever was before the proving. I think either my eyes were dry before the proving or my allergies were mucking up the contact lens.
Vision
ABC2 I notice my vision may be somewhat blurred. My armpits reeked today. My concentration was off, but my neck and shoulders seem to be pretty relaxed.
Ears
B10 My ears were quite sore (clogged) today, starting at around 2 p.m.
H15 Fleeting ear ache. A shot of pain and then gone.
H Itchy ear (left). Runny eyes.
H Ear pain threatening (right).
H Left ear pain – it starts and stops.
H Ears blocked. Violent sneezing { morning
K5 Also, my left ear, well just under it, is sore to touch and swollen. Feels slightly hard, a bruised soreness in the glands.
K Also, through this proving, I seem unable to wear earrings for more than half a day, as my ears swell, burn, get itchy and a little scabby. It’s as if I’ve developed an allergy to silver or earrings.
DEF2 I notice some mild sense of radiation of symptoms to the area of my ears. I also have distinct ringing of the ears. +30 minutes – The pressure headache seems to have passed already. It never became as well developed, and the pressure never as great as last evening. The ringing in my ears continues. This presents as a high-pitched, constant tone in both ears, with an occasional second, different tone in the right ear, not long in duration. The volume is high enough to continue to be a conscious intrusion.
DEF12 My ears were ringing very noticeably when I just woke up today; now, about an hour later, the volume has diminished, but it is still definitely there.
J3 Slight excess of wax in my left ear.
EFG1 My left ear popped, not a big bang, but as if you changed altitude.
EFG One time in bed, I got pain in the ears, way down inside the ear, like a pressing. One time, worse on the left. I noticed it at 5-10 minutes at a time and then it would go away. If I think about it, it can still come and go. I can feel it right now, but I can’t explain it.
Nose
H3 Nose blocked on waking – cleared later.
H4 Evening. Strange sensation. Felt as if there was a hair or a tiny insect tickling the tip of my nose – nothing there. Felt compelled to keep checking and pulling off this imaginary hair. Lasted for one hour or two.
H Very runny nose, stuffed up feeling. Ears feel full. Sneezing.
H This is the worst cold I’ve ever had – my room is awash with tissues. Nose tickling – feels like I’m about to sneeze all the time. Totally stuffed up. Voice nasal.
P3 Tightness around bridge of nose, tired eyes, a bit burning, had to wear sunglasses all during the day.
P My sinuses feel stuffed and there’s tension around my nasal bone.
EFG1 After first dose, I noticed a slight pressing in my sinuses, but I am getting over a cold. 7 p.m. my nose was running, watery and clear.
CDE15 My nose started running, just out of my right nostril, very watery and profuse, and then stopped, after about five minutes.
CDE10 The only new thing is my sense of smell is more acute. I smelled cat food. People always say it smells terrible and it does.
Face
A3 Physically, I feel fine, except I feel a cold sore coming on – the left side of my lower lip – below the tip. I haven’t had a cold sore for years. I used to get them quite a lot.
A Red blood vessels on face, spots on face mainly left side.
G2 Face looked very soft and milky in mirror.
G2 Face clammy.
H1 Pin prick feeling in right cheek – a slight numbness after.
H Hard spots on face on jaw line – left and right.
M Skin on my face, left side, has got very blotchy.
M Had numbness right cheek-bone, extending up around right eye. Right eye felt numb. Neuralgia left cheekbone and upper left gums, extending to bones left side of nose.
DEF4 I notice a heightened awareness and sensation in the skin and underlying musculature in my face.
EFG25 On the corner of my mouth, I got one blister one sixteenth of an inch big. I have it right at the corner on the left side. It’s actually on the face. It’s not painful.
EFG27 10 a.m. : The two blisters on the corner of the mouth were dry, crusty and scabbing. They were drying up.
EFG I have two blisters on my lip. One healed up. There’s only pain when they were trying to heal and I’d open my mouth.
Mouth
B1 Five minutes after taking the remedy, very aware of running my tongue on the roof of my mouth; the roof of my mouth feeling like a cat’s tongue – bumpy, similar to sandpaper.
B6 11 p.m. I can’t stop digging my nails in between my teeth into my gums. It’s a good pain; tearing my upper lip.
G2 Sour taste in the mouth, all morning and again in evening, particularly after hot milk and honey at bedtime.
G2 Milk tasted sour and blood pressure up.
K2 When I got into bed last night my mouth was watering heavily though closed.
K Waking with foul taste in mouth, disgusting yellow bitter coating on my tongue one morning.
K Still feel very dry in my mouth and throat. Last 4-5 weeks in mouth and throat, lots of phlegm in mornings, feel clogged up and it’s difficult to expectorate.
M Mouth very dry mornings – could hardly speak. Bad taste in mouth.
N1 Immediately after first remedy, aware of sweet warm feeling especially on back of tongue.
Teeth
G12 Awful toothache. Started with a dull pain on right side of face. Generally, I thought it must be a lower back tooth which has been filled twice in last three years. Pain throbbing – horrible – pulsating, feels as though blood in my mouth. Pain that night, awoke 3 times.
G13 Pain through the day. Localised gradually to tooth in top back of mouth. No trouble there previously. Surprised
G15 Tooth out. Frightened at thought, but dentist said there was an abscess forming. Recommended that it would be best to get it out. Would crumble otherwise. Impatient to do it once I got courage. Going to Connemara – girls concert on St. Patrick’s Day. Get rid of the nuisance. Dentist reckoned I must have had a trauma two weeks previously such as a cold or flu. What about my proving? No pain after tooth out – but painful by Wednesday.
H I’m clenching my teeth – my jaw feels stiff.
J3 Feeling some pressure on my teeth in my gums.
EFG Toothache — lasted half hour – left lower bicuspid – nerve pain into root.
EFG12 8:00 a.m. : I had nerve pain in a particular tooth that I had problems with before. Just a few seconds. I could sense it was red. It was in the top of the tooth going down to the root. 5:30 p.m. I had the same tooth nerve pain but it moved to all my molars on both sides. It lasted 30 minutes – strongest was on the lower right side.
EFG13 5 p.m. : Another tooth thing, not as intense and duller than the day before. It lasted five minutes and was worse on the lower left side.
Throat
B2 7:00 p.m. Throat tickling – feel drained, tired, flu like.
B6 My throat is a bit sore today. I feel a bit fluey – my body is quite tired tonight.
B8 My throat is sore today – I feel I’m getting the flu. I’m going away in 5 days, so I’d better not.
H4 Phlegm in throat in morning – had to hawk it up.
H12 Itchy eyes, ears, throat when I woke up – feels like something stuck in my throat.
H19 Uncomfortable, mucus in throat – need to hawk it up (stringy, pale yellow).
H22 Woke up with a sore throat (left). Sounds croaky.
K20 On going to bed, developed a sore dry throat. Sore to swallow, not better for drinking, lasting all night, going early in morning. Despite it and a sense of flu descending, I still wanted to exercise and go swimming.
K For last 3 days, atrocious sore throat. Started on left side. Woke with it. Then, by evening, it was on right. Next day, back to left predominately. Feels swollen, constricted, also as if a dry crumb of food has lodged in the tonsils. This sensation has been permanent for the last 3 days.
K My throat is still very sore on swallowing, and dry mouth and throat, high up in my throat. It feels swollen like a lump where it’s sore. { In morning.
M Throat — slight burning, dry soreness.
J2 Throat suddenly feels strained – not like a sore throat – it’s lower down – underneath my Adam’s apple – this lasted 5 minutes.
Throat, external
B2 The back of my neck going up towards my head feels a bit tight.
E4 Pain in left side of neck.
H15 Glands on my left jaw line slightly up. Not bothering me.
H Swollen glands under jaw (lymph).
K3 I had a terrible neck pain, like a disc or circular pain in my neck, just above my shoulder, when lying down. { Lying on my right. > Lying on my left on awaking.
P1 My neck and body feel rather stiff and achy, I’d love a massage now.
P Now my gland on the left under the jawbone is hard and hurts when pressed (yesterday already).
J2 The part of my neck under my Adam’s apple is sore on waking.
J3 Got a red patch on my neck in the area where I had tenderness in the shape of a triangle.
EFG1 There was itching on one spot on the right side of my neck before it bends to the shoulder.
Stomach
B3 6 p.m. Nausea.
G1 Very drowsy, slightly nauseous, more tightening of the chest.
G2 Nausea in morning.
H Heartburn – very acid. (I never get this).
H19 Upset stomach. Feels bloated, no muscle tone. Burping. Slightly acidy, heartburn (more threatening than anything else).
K I’ve put on weight on this proving and for last month or so have been unable to stop myself eating. Even having suppers, something I never do. Also eating lots of chocolate, normally just a taste would satisfy me.
M My appetite has got huge. I can eat a meal and feel really hungry a short time after. It’s like having a bottomless pit for a stomach.
M Put on a bit of weight during the first couple of weeks. Appetite diminished later – less interest in food.
P3 Very, very, very thirsty for water or herbal teas. (I drank already 3 litres this evening).
P A slight nauseous feeling in the stomach (I was drinking a bottle of homebrew yesterday evening).
J2 Have slight nervousness – can feel it near my solar plexus.
EFG26 12 Midnight: I felt I needed something more stimulating. 2 a.m. Woke up and realised maybe I hadn’t eaten enough the day before. I had some yoghurt.
Abdomen
A4 Morning – I have a bloated feeling in my tummy and an ache in lower left abdomen; { touch – lots of wind.
A5 I still have the intermittent pain/ache on the left side of the abdomen. It got worse going to the toilet. I’m not constipated!!
A13 In Italy. About 9 p.m. — about half hour after eating pasta and tomato sauce, I got incredible cramp type pains across my stomach and lower abdomen. They were really severe and caused me to hold my breath and hold my stomach. I eventually knew they were bowel pains and then had a big bout of diarrhoea with flatulence and smelly. (Brown/yellow). My tummy felt tender afterwards with a little touch of nausea. 12 p.m. noon – more of same.
B3 A few cramps 3-4 p.m. Like period cramps – not too bad
H1 Left side (spleen area, I think) (in waist area) a dragging, dull pain. (I’ve had it before.)
H5 After eating, I feel bloated. My stomach is hard and full, yet I still feel hungry, although I’ve eaten.
H Above belly button, almost on it, to the right feels hard and very sore to touch . Feels like a damaged organ. Am worried about it. If it doesn’t go away soon, I’m going to the doctor. Thought that I might actually die. (Lasted 3 days.) Pain in left side (waistline). Hollow nagging pain. { alcohol.
K5 Sharp, fast, darting pain extending from right abdomen (possibly ovary) down my thigh and up into my rib cage simultaneously.
P5 Pains around the abdomen, wandering around up and down, left and right
DEF2 5:15 p.m. — Brief (2-3 minutes), moderate cramp or ‘stitch’, right abdomen under floating ribs? Liver area? Moderately higher volume ringing in ears.
J2 When I go to the loo, feeling in my lower abdomen, like heavy lead.
M Pain, sore abdominal region; very sore back; a tearing, cramping pain in abdomen during cough.
Rectum
A17 On my way home from Milan. After the diarrhoea on Thursday, I didn’t have any bowel movement until this morning, when I had the same touch of nausea.
K22 My stools are less regular and somewhat constipated.
K22 Pains in my anus, as if strained badly – throbs and stops.
EFG2 I felt irritated and gassy, but then had a bowel movement and felt better.
CDE20 My stools have been unformed and very acrid since taking the remedy. The area around my anus and perineum was itchy. I scratched it, and now it is raw, kind of like diaper rash. I was wondering if that was a return of very old symptom.
Stool
K2 Had enormous, satisfying pooh.
Bladder
A8 Today I noticed I have been going to the loo a lot and I can’t seem to hold it. It’s like the urge comes suddenly and often I just barely made it to the loo.
A11 I am still going to the loo frequently and I can’t afford to delay for a second once I feel the urge or I won’t make it. This is unusual for me.
A9 I am urinating frequently and urgently.
E4 I seem to be going to the loo a lot more after getting up in the night to urinate at least twice and going more frequently during the day – no pain or burning, just frequency.
E5 My bladder is constantly full.
K6 My bladder felt bloated, painful, bruised, not better for emptying it. Stayed sore all night and in morning.
Urethra
K I’ve been having stinging/burning sensation at the end of urinating. Felt at the outside of the urethra.
EFG3 6:45 p.m. I had burning pain in my urethra. It was not debilitating and lasted a half-hour. It came on all of a sudden and then it disappeared. I had it one more time since, for 10 minutes, it was more stinging pain then.
EFG8 2:10 – 2:20 p.m. had ten minutes of stinging in the urethra.
EFG20 While driving, had a sensation in the urethra, not really stinging, just hmmmm, not sharp. Dull, really dull pain. I guess I have to call it pain. What else could I use? A dull sensation. (When?) Maybe around 2 p.m. I’m not sure about anything. Maybe an hour.
Urine
A I noticed today that my urine is a strange colour; dark with a greenish tinge, and has a strong odour – I’m not sure of the smell. I don’t think I have eaten or drunk anything different.
H15 Urine dark yellow. There is a slight pressure on my bladder.
Female
A11 I also noticed green leucorrhoea – not too much.
H4 I’m well into sex, really enjoying it – night and morning.
H20 Pulsations in vagina – like a pulse (morning). Can especially feel it if legs are crossed. Got my period – dull, cramping pains in uterus. Lower back aching, extending into buttocks – bruised feeling – fronts of thighs tender. Really tired – would just love to go back to bed but promised people things, or rather invited to lunch.
H20 Period pain nagging – back and front. Flow very heavy – heavier than normal.
H22 Pain in womb – very large, deep red blood clot. Period has resumed flow. Large farts.
K22 The tail end of my periods smelt fishy, strong, offensive.
K22 Large, gloopy lumps of mucousy discharge, tinged slightly orange though mostly clear – seems a bit early to ovulate.
EFG Sex drive is low – almost non-existent. Usually elevated before menses.
EFG7 Sometime in the afternoon, I went to the bathroom and wiped myself. I had a light pink vaginal discharge. Like a teaspoon of paste. I thought my period was starting, but it’s too early and nothing followed.
BCD Sex drive is higher. She feels more responsive.
BCD Sex drive has been given a significant boost – she has gone from being fairly disinterested to being actively aggressive.
Respiration
H Sighing a lot.
M Woke up during the night, feeling I couldn’t breathe. Image of a cylindrical tube going down through me and I couldn’t get my breath down it. Then I thought, ‘Oh, I can’t breathe, I had better go back to sleep’. So I did.
Cough
H Coughing with expectoration, greyish with black bits.
Chest
G1 Almost immediately, a tightening of the chest like a mild panic. I put my hand to my chest, breathless.
G2 Tightness in chest and breathlessness.
H4 Fleeting, sharp pain in breastbone. Left side.
H22 Heavy chest – feels open – cough hollow, runny nose – arms and legs heavy. (Cold – never get them). Sneezing very loudly.
H Tummy and chest feel chilled, skin cold. Chest tight and sore, cough hard and dry >++ hot water bottle on chest. Sneezing constantly. Tickly nose. Watery eyes – burning slightly. Sniffling – runny (clear) nose. { Night. I don’t know the last time I had a chest cold, even though they’re going around.
H Heart palpitations { cold air. Chest feels sore if I have to run.
H After being at a packed smoke filled party, my chest is scrappy. I’m hoarse. When I take a deep breath – pain in the upper right shoulder – chest burning. Cough, chesty. I feel like I’ve been poisoned. Flutter in left ribcage – sporadic all day – disturbing.
H Chest wheezy – sore to cough. Green phlegm.
H Right breast tender.
H Left breast – sore spot when pressed. Cough – expectoration really difficult – feels very thick and sticky, sticks in throat. Nose – very snotty – copious amounts.
K For last two days, my left chest area, back and shoulder, especially front of chest, are feeling enormously bruised and strained. Also, my left breast feels swollen, lumpy and tender in the gland area.
K Before my period, my breasts were very sore and I was very cranky and ill humoured throughout.
K I’ve got a lot of yucky, tough phlegm in my chest; it’s difficult to get up and it’s yellow/green.
K Also, breasts have got bigger (outgrown my bra) after initially reducing in size at beginning of proving.
M Lower rib cage felt crushed inwards, as in a vice grip. Respiration difficult, with tightness around lower rib cage.
DEF2 Brief (4-5 minutes) mild discomfort in right breast tissues, not underlying muscle. I have occasionally experienced this before, with no associated discernible cause, no more than 2-3 times per year; I have not experienced it in about 2-3 years prior to this occurrence.
EFG3 Later in the day, my left breast was tender to the touch. It sometimes happened before the proving, but I’ve had it only about twice a year at the most. It was tender up to when my period started today.
EFG23 I think I mentioned the breast being tender. It’s still tender. We kind of joke around…maybe it is bigger.
DEF Developed a cold. Could feel it trying to get a foot-hold (a cold) in my chest. Sunday it felt weird, it occurred to me to check my temperature. I had a 101 temperature fever last night. I was worried it was moving into lungs, like fluid in lungs/base.
DEF Developing bronchitis. This one is deep in my lungs from the start. It’s a different progression.
DEF A few isolated skin eruptions above the left breast. Looked like little pimples – about eight of them. Didn’t rupture and just went away.
BCD She pulled muscles in her sternum and felt sharp pain, no particular onset. She felt it in the middle of her chest and a little to the right. If she reaches for something, she’ll feel it. She felt this last week, off and on. It’s worse breathing, worse movement and there is only a lot of pain when she reaches for something.
Back
A4 Aching discomfort out lower back – top of buttock – intermittent – that is, it came and went a couple of times during the day. I feel it is associated with earlier pain and maybe something to do with bowel movement.
H19 Feel very warm. Hot rising up my back.
K5 Pain in right back just below kidney level. Stationery pain, lasting a few minutes, coming gradually and going gradually.
K10 Shortly after getting up, noticed a painful area in my lower back, about where the second chakra would be. It feels tense and bruised and a bit dragging. Notice it especially on moving my legs. Though it is there pretty much all day.
K Throughout the proving, the skin on my back has been greasier and spottier and otherwise smoother.
M Pain in right lower back { as day progressed , { after sitting, better motion.
P This morning, my back feels a bit sore, right over the kidneys. My shoulders still feel like they have carried a lot of weight.
DEF4 I have a heightened sensitivity and an almost tingling awareness of the mid-thoracic region of my spine and the muscles immediately surrounding it (just above waist level).
EFG Wake up feeling contorted. Want to stretch back out, but could never stretch the spot. Feel like need to pop back between shoulder blades. Round back and stretch arms foreword helps – but never pops – never relieves.
EFG28 10 a.m. : Noticed for a minute like the muscles in the dorsal-lumbar area were cramping just slightly. I was walking around in the kitchen getting some tea or something. In general, it feels that way the hands and feet do sometimes.
BCD Problems with back and leg, very sore. Her entire lower back hurt today. This morning, her ribs hurt and she was very stiff. The leg is the same, numb with pain, sometimes.
Extremities
A1 I got a pain and stiffness in right knee – twice this morning.
A2 My right knee pained and ached again for a short time.
A4 11:30 a.m. pain in left knee – patella.
A8 I got a sharp pain in my right middle finger at about 4:30 today – it only lasted about a minute.
A8 I also got a sharp pain down the back of my right thigh this evening – again, it didn’t last at all. I never had this type of pain before.
A20 I have noticed my right knee isn’t great. I get a very sharp pain like splintered bone – out the side of knee when I kneel on it or press/rub it hard.
A Physically, my knee still pains when I kneel down – the same sharp, cutting pain out the side of my leg, just below the knee. When it happens, I have to rub it and that relieves it somewhat.
A9 My right knee has a sharp pain from the bone. { 2 p.m.
B2 2 a.m. Itching under my skin on my right forearm; right foot, top, near my ankle (not relieved by scratching).
E3 My legs feel woolly.
E4 Feeling as if I am walking with my left foot turned in.
G2 Wedding ring tight.
H2 Twinge in right calf (front) as if in the vein. A fullness. This spot bulges when I stand on my toes (has done for years, but never has it given me pain.)
H2 Drawing pain in left hand (in all 4 fingers.)
H4 Itchy foot (right).
H5 Pins and needles in left hand, extending to little fingers.
H18 This morning – left thumb twitching in spasms – like a trapped nerve. In the space between my thumb and forefingers, a tick, twitch, twitch – felt funny and made me laugh. I put it down to drink on Paddy’s Day.
H Cold feet.
H Eruptions on hands (left) itchy, white bumps. Skin seems rough
K5 My hands are generally more relaxed – the thumb on my right hand has straightened out (normally it’s as if the ligaments on the inside are too short). But my left hand remains bent.
K5 The circulation in my right hand is visibly better than my left. Right hand is very relaxed although I have tension in right shoulder.
K5 Ache alternating with warmth on top of my right-shoulder.
K6 When out last night, very bad cramping kind of pain in left hip, like ligament on the outside of leg had shortened. Came on suddenly when dancing and stayed since. There even on resting, { on walking/dancing.
K7 Since last night, pain in left hip joint, { from putting my weight on that leg (maybe ligament, maybe sciatica). Earlier, it was causing me to limp and lean over to the left, as if my left leg was shorter than the other. The articulation of the joint was funny. Also, briefly felt like a marble on the sole of my right foot in the arch – hurt a bit.
K10 Since yesterday, the second toe of my right foot has been swollen red and shiny at the top on the right side – like a chilblain. It started painlessly and is now a bit stingy, smarting. It almost looks like a blister.
K19 Soreness along the muscle running from my neck to my right shoulder. It felt weak and sore after pressure. Also, right shoulder itself felt weak. A general feeling of fatigue in my arms after lifting anything lasting a long time.
K19 On going to sleep, my right hip was really aching, drawing, bruised pain, no better for lying down. The pain seemed centred in my joint.
K19 Burning ache/discomfort around my right shoulder blade. Tense all evening.
K26 Aching in muscles around right shoulder blade and right side of neck again today.
K Now pain at the top of hip bone, left side at the back, sudden like twisting/sharpish, that escalates and then dies off.
M1 Went to bed. Fizzy feeling down left leg. Sharp pain in centre top of right foot. Changed to left foot and remained for some time. Flash of light in the room – I then felt relaxed.
N2 11:15 a.m. approx. Cramp in left calf muscle of leg. Intense pain lasting several minutes. Relieved by standing on a cold surface.
N2 Mid-afternoon – cramp in left leg, same intensity.
P Earlier, I had the feeling as if my right arm doesn’t belong to me.
EFG Foot, left, shooting pain – once an hour – shooting pain – shooting from above, into arch (top of foot — highest point of foot.)
EFG Foot, right, blisters, itchy. Inner side of foot. Eight to ten blisters – mostly at angle where bottom of foot meets side of foot — only slightly itchy. I want to pop them – squeeze clear liquid out – reduces itchiness.
EFG Like I don’t have complete control of left leg while walking. As if I control the hip and thigh, while the knee and lower leg and foot merely react to what the upper leg is doing. Almost as if lower leg stops – as if had stroke or polio.
EFG1 I had itching on my right leg.
EFG3 From 12:30 p.m. to 1:30 p.m. and 2:30 p.m. to 3:30 p.m. I had a pain in my right heel just where you come up from the bottom. It was like a sharp pin. It was worse stepping down on it and worse flexing my foot. I noticed it hurt the next day, but only for five minutes. It felt like a bone spur.
EFG4 At 6:30 p.m. , I had a twinge in my left heel.
EFG I have achiness in both hands. It made me think this is like arthritis. I feel best if I’m not using the thumbs. It’s best if the thumbs are in a straight line. Like an achiness. The left finger joints ached and not just in one thumb joint but, for sure, the three finger joints in the middle ached. It was just passing. If I could pinch the fleshy part of the palm at the bottom of the thumb, it was better. Overall, the pain is least if the forearm and thumb are like in a cast. If I kept it all in a line. The pain extended a little bit into the top bone (ulna) – that achiness. I noticed the pain more if I was gripping something.
EFG8 My thumbs were achy all day. It was worse gripping and worse writing. It seemed to be letting up a bit in the left hand. I could feel it in the forearm of the right hand. When I did the writing, it would bring on the achiness and cramping. There was weakness in the forearm. What I use to pick up and grip things is weak. Whenever I pick up anything, like a book or jar, it feels weak and icky.
EFG10 Yesterday, it was cold and my thumbs were aching.
EFG12 7:30 a.m. : The back of my hands were aching; at the same time, so were my fingers. In one hour it was gone. The tops of my feet were achy. I was still in bed.
EFG23 I got pustules on my left butt cheek and they itch. They’re in the area of the butt that sticks out the most. They are hard to see. They are less swollen today. I have at least three or four bumps. One is decapitated, maybe from scratching. One was inflamed. It erupted. More like a big zit or pustule. The itchiness happens first thing in the morning, when I get up. It’s better today. I’m on the mend. It would be nice if there would be a swing around from this tiredness.
EFG25 7 p.m. : Maybe I was too busy to notice before this. I was sitting waiting for something and said to myself, ‘Look at that, look at that.’ I started to get a blister eruption first on my left knee. There were two small blisters like poison oak, two blisters filled with fluid. They were itchy. I worked pretty hard in the garden so my hands were achy and stiff. They were better stretching, pulling the fingers backward or pushing them with the other hand. There was crampiness too. Achy, crampy fingers and stiff. If you pinch the tissue between the thumb and first finger, that felt better too.
EFG27 5-6 a.m. : early morning, shooting pain for a second going into the palm of my hand to the back of the hand. It was in both hands but not at the same time. Also, in the left foot, there was shooting pain that came from the top of the foot through to the arch of the foot. In the right foot, it was just the opposite. The shooting pain was from the arch to the top of the foot. It lasted a second. All these happened during the general time (5am – 6am), maybe a ten second time period and they all fired but I can’t remember the order, probably in the hands then the feet. When the alarm went off at 6 am, I said no way and went back to bed.
EFG28 In the evening, I noticed I had some itchy blisters at the base of my third toe of my right foot. Maybe that’s when they itch.
EFG I massage out my hands and feet – kind of a crampiness.
CDE13 I seem to have a very small raised bump, sort of rash, on the third finger of my right-hand – probably a touch of poison oak. I also have twinges of pain in my right little toe, but think that’s from walking up the hill across from our house.
CDE Still itchy in spots, little bits on my thumb and left ring finger, the face and neck patches are gone. The elevated bumps, or nodules, kind of produced a layer of crust which came off. This proving, a layer came off, it returned to normal.
DEF Every once in a while, my heels are sore, can’t tell if it’s an extension of Achilles or it will be sore and I’ll walk four or five steps. “Whatever that thing was that locked into me is still there.”
BCD Leg and back are achy, because of the weather. Back, leg, heel of left foot, feels like getting a ‘peg leg’. Weather is really affecting her.
Sleep
B4 Its been taking me forever to fall asleep. 3-4 a.m. the past 3 nights. I’m so tired this morning; I still have to do all my things.
B8 I went to sleep for 3 hours this afternoon – very tired. No energy today, weepy and cranky.
B10 It took me a long time to fall asleep last night. Maybe something to do with sleeping 3 hours yesterday?
G1 Unable to concentrate, kept falling asleep – deeply. I had been very participative up to that. Very tired. Where is the energy to drive home?
H4 After eating, very tired, want to sleep. 1:30 p.m.
H19 Great difficulty getting up in morning. I’m sleeping in well beyond the usual. I’m up 2 hours now. I still feel really tired and could easily go back to bed.
H Waking early – too early. Seven-ish. Worrying about what I have to do. I’m very broke from overspending. Worrying can I meet the bills.
K2 I slept very heavily – a lovely sleep, and deep. Slept with my hands open.
K5 Struggling not to fall asleep in work before lunch, > once I eat and into the afternoon.
K19 Slept very shallowly with anxiety about getting up. Fretful though unremembered dreams. Had a bad nightmare and woke disturbed, but can’t remember it. On going asleep, I had an image of having a very brutal caesarean without anaesthetic with a stone/flint. It was just a flash.
K13 Woke in the night, anxious and fearful after a nightmare, couldn’t go back to sleep and imagined that the next day I would be frightened to go to work and be there alone. The idea made me feel vulnerable. The dream was something about the threat of being attacked and raped. I wanted to tell someone of the fear, but I couldn’t, as it was totally inappropriate – lots of kids running around. When I woke, the fear of rape stayed with me for a while.
ABC1 I slept okay. I woke up at 4:00 a.m. and 6:30 a.m. Feeling okay.
EFG16 Having to force myself awake.
EFG 2:30 p.m. Went to bed and slept one and a half hours. Alarm woke me up at 4:00. Felt like sleeping longer.
EFG24 12:00 to 1:00 p.m. Napped on floor. Have been getting seven hours of sleep at night.
EFG I’ve had a couple of nights where I was not sleeping well between 2 and 5 a.m. I felt tired, grouchy and overwhelmed. I felt like it would be better if I took a nap, but I don’t like taking naps.
EFG7 I also slept lightly, woke up tired and felt I needed more.
EFG16 12 Noon: I had the hardest time staying awake. Slept for an hour and a half.
EFG When I got home, it was almost 4:30 p.m. I just lay down for a half-hour. I was really tired. I probably went to sleep.
EFG24 I was awake from 4-4:30 in the morning. When I was awake, I was thinking about what I needed to do during the day.
EFG24 1:00-2:00 p.m. took a nap, just crashed. I’ve been getting seven to eight hours of sleep a night. Decided I needed more. Took half-hour to get functional. Decided to come back to this world.
EFG Overall, in the past week, here I am trying to get jobs and work done and I get sleepy attacks. When I get low on energy, I went to get black tea with caffeine or sugar like a cookie, dried fruit, bread with honey or bread with peanut butter and honey, or chocolate chips or something to boost my energy. Some days I need no naps, like yesterday.
CDE15 I couldn’t get to sleep last night, so at some very late hour, I got about a half a glass of wine and drank it and fell asleep. I felt pretty wide-awake in spite of the lack of sleep.
CDE17 Again, I couldn’t get to sleep last night, but was too tired to get up and get some wine. I tried various things, including prayer and meditation. I don’t do any problem solving and don’t experience anxiety or restlessness. I just don’t fall asleep. And when I do, I awake frequently. I can’t seem to relate it to diet or exercise, or lack of exercise. Maybe it’s hormonal – being post-menopausal.
BCD Sleep: Woke at 1 a.m. and 4:30 a.m. She is able to return to sleep easily.
Perspiration
K13 Sweating when I get cold today.
Skin
P3 The skin feels warm, but it is goose pimply.
DEF2 I am noticing an overall feeling of increased awareness of the skin all over my body, in the form of a gentle, pleasant buzz, along with a perceived increase in apparent body warmth — measured body temperature of 97.7 (F).
J4 I have had breakouts from acne for the past three years. I have noticed my skin has improved dramatically. I’m not having breakouts of spots and any scars I’ve had are improving and my skin is glowing.
EFG26 I woke up groggy, felt relaxed but not quite all together. 9 a.m. : there was a second blister. No pain, no sensation. It was very close to the other blister in the corner but it was on the lower lip on the left side. I noticed that the two on my leg, I had scratched them. There was a clear, golden fluid which got crusty, just like poison oak.
BCD Skin still improving. (Suffered from Eczema.) Skin is almost perfectly normal, over left elbow; it’s soft and nice to touch.
Generals
B10 No energy again this afternoon. I had to go to bed for a few hours. I wasn’t able to fall asleep. Got up in a shit mood, feeling I’d be too sick to go away this weekend. My throat is much better today but I still feel an underlying flu that won’t really do anything.
H5 I desire meat.
H19 Flushes of heat – horrible – rising upwards. Forehead feels hot – may have a temperature.
H Desires coffee, tobacco.
H Very tired after every meal.
P3 I went to bed in the afternoon and couldn’t get warm, had palpitations and felt freezing cold, especially the nose. Now, in the evening, I feel very heavy and tired. My head aches, left above and behind the eye, radiating to the left jaw and ear. All the muscles in the face seem to be very stiff. It’s hard to change face expression. Quite an effort.
P4 I couldn’t go to work, all my bones and muscles are very achy, especially around the shoulders and neck. Glands are swollen. Headache, but more to the back of the head now. Sinuses full of mucus – white stuff. Sometimes, I’m very hot, sometimes, very cold. Feel a bit weepy. My eyes can’t open properly. Feel very heavy, breathing is an effort, coughing hurts in the lungs. I’m very tired. I just need a break and to have a bit of time to myself.
IJK I was extremely tired during the period of the proving. Stopped functioning in my life; it felt hard, couldn’t function.
CDE10 Body temp. is usually on the warmer side. Yesterday, my mother was warmer and I was cooler. I thought I had a touch of something. My temperature was fluctuating. I was really cold, then really warm.
DEF Wanting starches, gentle calories.
DEF2 By 10:30 a.m. , barely able to drag self around. Like someone put a hundred pounds on my back. Pressure from ear level up (moves around). Tiredness hit me like a brick. Cold barely drag myself out the door this a.m. Now, vague cranial pressure. Sandbagged feeling is very pronounced. Speaking very fast, very excited.
IJK Worst thing is fatigue, crushing and unbearable. At a meeting, felt like a piece of stone, unable to move. Has been unable to run her practice, wants to stay in bed and sleep, except to exercise, then back to bed.
Repertory
Mind
ABSENTMINDED
ABSORBED
AILMENTS
embrassment
shame
ANGER answer; when obliged to
interruption; from
ANTAGONISM with herself
ANXIETY
morning; waking; on
fear; with
APHASIA
AVERSION
approached; to being
BENEVOLENCE
BEWILDERED
CARES
others; about
CHAOTIC
CHILDISH
CLAIRVOYANCE
COMPANY
aversion to
CONCENTRATION
attempting to concentrate; on
vacant feeling; has
conversation; during
CONFUSION
identity; as to his
duality, sense of
sexual; as to her/his
knows not where he is
lost feeling
sides of body
cannot tell right from left
talking; while
time; to
writing; while
CONSCIOUSNESS increased
CONTEMPTUOUS
COURAGEOUS
CONVERSATION agg.
CYNICAL
DELUSIONS
alone; being
always alone; she is
angels; seeing
apocalypse; of the
birds; sees
blind; he is
contaminated; of being
criticised; she is
danger; impression of
despised; is
diminished: small; he is
dirty; he is
division between himself and others
doomed: world is; the
existence
two existences; to have
meaningless; is
experienced before; thought everything had been and will be again
floating
flying
images; frightful
sleep; on going to
immortality; of
invisible; of being
journey; is on a
lie; everything is a
mirror image of herself; is a
offended people; he has
poor; he is
repudiated by his relatives; he is
right; he does nothing
separated
soul; body is separated from
world; from the; he is separated
space; is in
expansion of
strange; everything is
superhuman control; is under
time:
space; lost or confused in
stands still
trapped
unfit; world; he is unfit for
unreal; everything seems
symptoms are
unworthy; is
war; being at
watched; she is being
INJUSTICE; cannot support
IRRITABILITY
menses; before
questioned; when
trifles; from
LAUGHING; inappropriately
LONGING
oneness and harmony; for
love; unconditional; for
LOVE
disappointed
sadness from love
suicidal disposition from disappointed love
exalted
humanity; for
MAGNETISED; desire to be
MATHEMATICS; fascination with
MISTAKES
speaking; in
words;
misplacing
using wrong
MOODS; changeable
NAÏVE
NATURE; loves
OCCUPATION amel.
PESSIMIST
PHILOSOPHY; ability for
reveries; great inclination to philosophical
QUIET; wants to be
RECLUSIVE
REMORSE
RESPONSIBILITY; aversion to
RESTLESSNESS
SADNESS;
love, from disappointed
SENSITIVE; external impressions; to all
noise; to
SITS STILL
wrapped in deep sad thoughts and notices nothing; as if
SQUANDERS; money
order; from want of
STARING
SUICIDAL THOUGHTS
TALKS; battles; about
THOUGHTS; fragmented
tormenting
wandering; while listening
TRAVEL; desire to
TRUTH; tell the plain
UNCONSCIOUSNESS
VENERATION
WEARY of life
WEEPING
abandoned; as if she was
despair; from
sad news; at
WELL; says he is when sick
WILL; two wills; sensation as if he had
WORDS; think of words; she cannot
WORK; she cannot accomplish her
Vertigo
MORNING
FORENOON
ALCOHOLIC drinks; from
FALL; tendency to
FLOATING; as if
LOOKING; downwards
upwards
REELING
RISING; on
seat; from a
SHOWER; in the
TURNING; on turning
Head
ABSCESS
CONSTRICTION
evening
hat; tight hat; as from a
ERUPTIONS
forehead
margin of hair
occiput
boils
crusts, scabs
itching
pimples
pustules
vesicles
EXPANDED sensation
HAIR; moving sensation
HEAVINESS
ITCHING; of scalp
morning
forehead
occiput
side; right
NUMBNESS
vertex
PAIN
forenoon
evening
alternating with emotions
catarrhal
coryza; with
forehead
occiput
temples
vertex
bursting
contracted
skin of head were contracted; as if
dull
occiput
pressing
inward
outward
forehead
occiput
temples
vertex
shooting; sides
sore; skin of head
tingling
occiput
temples
Eyes
BRILLIANT
CLOSE; desire to
must
DRYNESS
GLASSY appearance
GLAZED
HEAVINESS
morning, on waking
lids
IRRITATION
LACHRYMATION
morning
air; open aggravates
light; from
sun; of
NUMBNESS: right
OPEN; hard to keep open
PAIN
light
eyebrows
lids; margin of
burning
light agg.
sore
lids; margins of
PHOTOPHOBIA
STYES
left eye
lid; upper
SWOLLEN; morning
TWITCHING; eyebrows; left
WEAK
Vision
BLURRED
DIM; reading
writing, while
FLASHES
sleep; on going to
SWIMMING
objects
WAVERING
WEAK
Ears
ERUPTIONS; lobes; scabs
earrings; from silver
FULLNESS; sensation of
INFLAMMATION; lobes
earrings; from silver
ITCHING; lobes
NOISES
morning; waking on
ringing; daytime
PAIN
below
inside
lobe
burning; lobe
pressing
sore
below the ear
internal ear
stitching
STOPPED sensation
SWELLING; lobes
WAX; increased
Nose
COLDNESS; chill, with
CORYZA
discharge, with
DISCHARGE; clear
copious
watery
HAIR; sensation of a
tip of nose; on
ITCHING; tip of
OBSTRUCTION; morning; waking; on
PAIN
pressing; root
SMELL; acute
SNEEZING
morning
violent
TENSION
Face
DISCOLORATION; pale
ERUPTIONS
acne
blotches; left side
boils; cheek; left
crusts; mouth; corner of
hard
herpes; lips
under
pimples
lower jaw
side; left
pustules
side; left
vesicles; mouth
corners
NUMBNESS
right side
cheek
PAIN
cheek; right
prickling
splinter; as if from
PERSPIRATION; clammy
TENSION
TINGLING
lips; upper
VEINS distended
Mouth
DISCOLOURATION; tongue; yellow
DRYNESS
morning
HEAT; tongue
base of
ROUGHNESS; palate
SALIVATION; night
bed, in
SPEECH; difficult
dryness in mouth; from
slurred
wanting
TASTE; bad; morning
bitter
bloody
putrid
sour
milk tastes
sweetish
Teeth
ABSCESS
CLENCH TEETH together; constant inclination to
PAIN; pulsating
molars
lower teeth
left bicuspid
upper teeth
right molar
neuralgic
pressing
Throat
BREAD CRUMBS; sensation of
DRYNESS
HAWK; disposition to; morning
ITCHING
LUMP; sensation of
MUCUS
morning
tenacious
yellow
PAIN
left
to right
swallowing
burning
sore
alternating sides
left
swallowing
SWELLING; sensation of
TENSION
Throat, external
CONSTRICTION
DISTORTED
ERUPTIONS
itching
rash
red
PAIN
cervical glands
sides; left
throat pit
aching
cramping
soreness; morning; waking on
SPRAINED sensation
STIFFNESS
SWELLING; cervical glands
hard
Stomach
ANXIETY
APPETITE
constant
diminished
increased
night; 2 a.m.
eating; after; soon
insatiable
EMPTINESS
FULLNESS; eating, after
GAGGING; coughing, from
HEARTBURN
NAUSEA
morning
evening
PAIN; coughing, from
RETCHING; coughing; from
TENSION
THIRST; extreme
Abdomen
ABSCESS; inguinal region
DISTENSION
morning
eating; after
EMPTINESS
FLATULENCE
painful
HARD; umbilicus
HEAVINESS; stool, during
PAIN
coughing; from
menses; during
wandering
cramping
afternoon, 15 h — 16 h
cutting
extending to
chest
thigh
dragging; hypochondria; left
sore; touch, on
umbilicus
stitching
Rectum
CONSTIPATION
DIARRHOEA
ERUPTIONS; itching
rash
red
FLATUS
loud
ITCHING; around anus
perineum
scratching agg.
PAIN; pulsating
URGING
frequent
sudden
Stool
ACRID
FLATULENT
FREQUENT
LARGE
ODOUR; offensive
SOFT
THIN
Bladder
DISTENDED feeling
FULLNESS; sensation of
not amel. by urinating
PAIN
pressing; not amel. by urinating
sore; tender
URGING
frequent
sudden
Urethra
PAIN
aching
burning
urination, close, at
stinging
Urine
BURNING
COLOUR
dark
greenish; dark
yellow; dark
COPIOUS
ODOUR; strong
Female
LEUCORRHEA
albuminous
bloody
thick
MENSES
clotted; dark
copious
intermittent
offensive
fish-like
strong
painful
uterus; menses, during
labour, like
SEXUAL DESIRE
diminished
increased
violent
Larynx and trachea
TICKLING
throat pit; in
VOICE; hoarseness
Respiration
DEEP; impossible
night
DIFFICULT
night
anxiety, with
constriction; chest; of
cough; with
SIGHING
WHEEZING
Cough
DEEP
DRY
HACKING
HARD
HOLD CHEST; must, while coughing
HOLLOW
PAINFUL
Expectoration
DIFFICULT
adhering to throat
GREENISH
THICK
TOUGH
VISCID
YELLOW
Chest
CHILLINESS; in
COLDNESS; external
CONSTRICTION
cough; during
lower part
middle
sides
ERUPTIONS
mammae; left
pimples
FLUTTERING
NODULES; mammae; in
left
painful
OPPRESSION
PAIN
cough; during
inspiration; during
motion agg.
stretching the arm
mammae
left
menses; before
pressure agg.
touch agg.
middle; inspiration agg.
motion agg.
sternum
burning
sore
coughing, from
mammae
stitching
sternum
PALPITATION
air; cold; agg.
SWELLING; mammae
Back
DISTORTED; sensation as if
ERUPTIONS
pimples
HEAT
extending up the back
PAIN
dorsal region
lumbar region
morning; rising; after
motion amel.
motion; legs; agg.; of
sitting; rising from; while
aching; lumbosacral region
cramping; dorsal region
lumbar region
dragging
lumbar region
morning; rising on
sore
lumbar region
TENSION
TINGLING; dorsal region
Extremities
AWKWARDNESS
lower limbs
stumbling when walking
CHILBLAINS
COLDNESS; foot
DISCOLOURATION; nails
white spots
ERUPTIONS
blisters
itching
painful
pustules
rash
red
vesicles
upper limbs
shoulders; right
vesicles
burning
hand; right
rash
fingers
third
thumb
lower limbs
nates
pustules
red
hip; vesicles
knee; left; vesicles
toes; vesicles; painful
EXTENSION; fingers, difficult
FULLNESS; leg
veins of
HEAT
shoulder; right
ITCHING
forearm
hand
fingers
ankle
foot
PAIN
shoulder; right
respiration, during
thumb; cold agg.
aching
shoulder; right
hands
back of
fingers
nates
knee
legs
foot
back of
burning; shoulder; right
cramping
hands
hip; left
leg; left
feet
cutting
hand; palm
finger; right; second
thigh; right
knee; right
foot; left; back of
drawing; hand
fingers
sore
shoulder; right
hip; right
stitching
pressure; from
splinters; as from
lower limbs
hip; left
knee; right
calf; right
foot
heel
toe; right; fifth
PERSPIRATION
shoulder; under
offensive
SWELLING
fingers
toes
TINGLING
hand; left
fingers; left
leg; left
TWITCHING; thumb; left
WEAKNESS
shoulder; right
lower limbs
legs
Sleep
COMATOSE
DEEP
DOZING; daytime
FALLING ASLEEP
daytime
afternoon
difficult
listening to conversation; when
sitting
weakness; from
HEAVY
LIGHT
PROLONGED
RISE; aversion to
remain in bed; desire to
SLEEPINESS
daytime
morning
afternoon
overpowering
SLEEPLESSNESS; night
2 to 5 a.m.
UNREFRESHING
WAKING
4 a.m.
anxiety; as from
difficult
early; too
frequent
late; too
Dreams
ACCUSATIONS
AIR ATTACKS
ALIENS; outer space; from
instructed by
invaded by
AMOROUS
ANGER
ANIMALS
ANXIOUS
BANQUET
BATTLES
BIRDS
BOATS
BODY PARTS
translucent, with red light shining through
BUILDINGS
admirable
CARES; full of
others; for
CHILDREN
multiple births
CHURCHES
CITIES
CLAIRVOYANT
CLIMBING
DANGER
death; of
drowning; of
DARKNESS
DEAD BODIES
DEATH; dying; he is
dying; people are
DISASTER
DISCONNECTED
DROWNING PEOPLE
EATING
EGGS
EVENTS; future; of
past; long
previous
EXPLOSION
FAILURES
FANTASTIC
FEASTING
FIRE; balls of
FLYING
space; through
FORSAKEN; of being
FRAGMENTED
FUNERALS
GUILT
HAIR
brushing
HELPING PEOPLE
HIGH PLACES
HOLES; black
HORSES
HOSPITALS
INDECENT BEHAVIOUR
INTRUDERS; resisting
JEALOUSY
JOURNEYS
space; through
unknown land; to
LIGHT; of
LOST; of being
LUCID
MANY
MICE
MISFORTUNE
MONEY
MONSTERS
MURDER
NAKEDNESS
NIGHTMARES
PARTIES
PEOPLE
PREGNANT WOMEN; of
PROPHETIC
PURSUED
QUARRELS
RATS
READY; he is not
RELATIVES
RELIGIOUS
REVELATIONS
SAD
SAILING
SCHOOLS AND COLLEGES
SEA
SICK PEOPLE
SNAKES
SNOW
STABBED; man being; of
STEALING
STORMS
STRANGE
STREAM
SUICIDE
SWIMMING
TATTOOS
TRAPPED; being; of
TREASURE
TREES
UNSUCCESSFUL EFFORTS
VENGEANCE
VIOLENCE
VISIONARY
VIVID
WADING; water; in
WAR
nuclear
WATER
WEDDING
WOMEN; blonde
red haired
YOUTH; time of
Chill
CHILLINESS
ICY COLDNESS
PERSPIRATION; with
Fever
ALTERNATING WITH CHILL
Perspiration
COLDNESS; during
Skin
ERUPTIONS
blisters
eczema
pustules
GOOSE FLESH
ITCHING
PRICKLING
Generals
FAINTNESS
FOOD
coffee; desire
farinaceous; desire
meat; desire
salt; desire
HEAT
flushes of
HEAVINESS; external
internal
PAIN
bones; of
muscles; of
SWELLING; glands; of
WEAKNESS
eating; after
excessive
faint-like
The provers
All the provers were asked to take a maximum of six tablets over a two day period. In the proving, the number following the letter of the prover refers to the day on which the symptom occurred. No number is given where the day was not stated or where it was unclear.

Похожие материалы...  Orchis tauri

Prover
Potency
Comments
A 30C Female
B 30C Female
E 30C Female
F Sac Lac Female — no symptoms.
G 30C Female
H 30C Female
J 30C Female
K 30C Female
M 30C Female
N 30C Female
P 30C Female
ABC 30C Female
BCD 30C Female
CDE 12C Female
DEF 30C Female
EFG 12C Male
FGH 30C Female
GHI Sac Lac Female — notes and symptoms not consistent with proving.
HIJ 30C Female
IJK 30C Female

Five additional provers either lost their notes or did not record any. Two were male and three were female.
ENGLISH M., Proving of Naufragium Helvetia (elm2)
ENGLISH Mary
lignum naufragium helvetiae
This proving was the result of a very nice short break that my son and I had in The Gower Peninsula, on the South Coast of Wales. On the beach at Rossilli Bay is the wreck of The Helvetia which has lain there for over 115 years. I decided to take a small portion of the hull of the boat to make a proving and I sent it to my friend John Lee at Ainsworths (alias Nhoj Eel) and this time he made it up to a 30c. I then came home and organised the proving and did some research about the actual wreck. I took one dose of the remedy myself a month before the proving started, just in-case it held any deep corners……………and have remained ‘stuck’ ever since. In writing up these notes I am releasing the energy of the proving, the sense of stuckness.
I digress. The provers numbered 7.
prover 1 male poet
prover 2 female charity worker in the Gambia
prover 3 female retired
prover 4 female artist
prover 5 male homeopath
prover 6 female flower healer
prover 7 male poet
My major concern before I did the proving was to see if the provers picked up anything at all about the sea or ships. I suppose in this instance I was putting Homeopathy to the test. I conducted the proving during the anniversary of the sinking (which happened on the 31st Oct 1887) from Monday 28th October-Sunday 3rd November.
All the provers took 5 doses of 30c over 5 days and either took it first thing in the morning or last thing at night. Sat and Sun no remedy was taken. None of the provers had any idea what the remedy was made from. This was a completely ‘blind’ proving.
Summary of the words of the provers
I needn’t have worried about the provers coming out with relative symptoms. All of them expressed watery words : ‘washed out’, ‘bloated’, ‘sinking under water’, ‘drained’, ‘bubbly tummy’, ‘tearful’ and their symptoms were expressed through the watery parts of the body : ‘runny nose’, ‘fluent , clear choryza both nostrils’, ‘sore eyes’, ‘weeing in the night’, ‘sore fanny’ .
One prover even had a strange experience while he was in a cafe :
P1 » When paying I drop a penny, for a brief moment I see it fall in slow motion, like it’s sinking under -water- I want to ask the cafe staff ‘ Wow! Did you see that ?’ «, but coupled with this were feelings of being blocked, physically as well as emotionally.
One prover had a ‘blocked and runny nose’, another felt ‘over-stuffed’ from eating too much, their thinking was blocked : ‘can’t concentrate’, ‘things not making sense’, speech was even blocked : ‘tongue tied’, their work was blocked : ‘procrastination’ and ‘uninspired’ in their creativity. Their emotions took a hammering : ‘heart not in it’, ‘cruel’, ‘impassioned observer’, ‘automaton’, ‘rankled’, ‘moody’, ‘peeved’, ‘mardy’, ‘indifferent’,’frustrated’ and ‘impatient’.
It even went as far as being physically blocked, which I found the most surprising:
P7 » I was late, because I kept getting blocked by impassable vehicles; diggers etc.»,
P3 » -the weather was awful- so gave up trying to get to Watford- traffic a nightmare, total gridlock- turned round and came home.»
P6 » Take the tube and got the wrong branch of the Northern line!!!»
P5 «Excessive problems getting to work. Trains broke down, buses broke down, traffic congestion. Whichever route I took was just as difficult.»
P2 » kept quiet in the court, but was frustrated by the days events, not being able to collect our authentication and marriage certificates and all the discussions in the one language I struggle to understand (Wolloff).»
Being blocked came out in other ways too. This prover has to work in retail to supplement her income and it’s not what she wants to do, and in this example she blocks out the words of her ‘controller’ :
P4 «Friday 1st November — ‘ Slept well, sorry still no dreams. Getting in to work. Loads of traffic. Hard day. Worked at the shop. Area Controller at me to work more Saturdays, closing later now, open Sundays! Time I got home I was quite down about it. But J helped, it’s only a job. Found it difficult to concentrate when Controller was talking to me, suppose I’ve heard it all before’.»
Background of shipwreck
I quote from ‘Gower Coast Shipwrecks’ by Carl Smith :
‘In the days before the telegraph, telephone and radio many vessels were wrecked unknown to more than a few on the shore. The imperilled crew required immediate assistance from onlookers, it would be hours before the rescue services (such as existed) could be alerted , by which time it may have been too late to save either life or property.
…….the Gower coast was totally without a lifeboat service and rescue depended on the shipwrecked’s own efforts, or the initiative and courage of those who were prepared to launch a boat from the shore.’
On the beach at Rhossilli Bay in The Gower Peninsula , South Wales, lies the wreck of The Helvetia. The Helvetia was a barque, a sailing ship , from Horten in Norway. It had sailed from Campbelton , New Brunswick on the east coast of Canada and contained a cargo of timber. The captain was a chap named Stevenson. On the night of Monday 31st of October 1887 the ship , on it’s journey to Swansea, reached Mumbles Head, only 5 miles or so from its destination. The captain ordered for ‘signals to be burnt’ so that a pilot could guide them on the last leg of their voyage into the harbour. However, a ‘fresh breeze’ sprang up from the South East and they couldn’t make it to shore as the wind was blowing against him, so they had to stay where they were in the channel.
By 8am on Tuesday the vessel had been blown back to The Helwick Sands, a good 10 miles away from the harbour and then the wind changed again, this time blowing South west, in gale conditions, which would effectively send the ship back out to sea.
The Helvetia was now having difficulty staying put and was drifting towards the shore. Then the current drove her over the bank , she lost part of her deck load and ran aground past Worm’s Head and was anchored in Rhossilli Bay.
At low tide the Helvetia got stuck into the sand and the ‘Life saving apparatus’ (LSA) was called for by the coastguard. One man was brought ashore by the ‘breeches buoy’ ( a lifebuoy running along rope over sea with canvas breeches for the user’s legs) and the rest came ashore in their boats. The ship was secured with heavy chains and cables but the wind ‘went round to the west’ and at 5.30pm she broke free and drove onto the beach where her remains still lie.
Approx 500 tons of cargo was salvaged from the wreck and everything saleable was stripped from the Helvetia. More than 115 years later you can still see the hull of the ship embedded in the beach at Rhossilli and this is what I found in the summer of 2002.
I have included as full an account as possible of the actual sinking of the Helvetia because, as you will see, a lot of what happened then, happened to my provers.
The sense of nearly being at the destination, of being knocked off course but still being hopeful of recovery, of then having to give in to the ‘elements’ and finally of being run aground, run ashore, wrecked.
What was also interesting just before, during, and soon after the proving, were the headlines involving ships and shipwrecks.
Before
26th September
Joola Ferry Disaster
A Senegalese state-run ferry, The Joola, sank off the the coast of The Gambia , a former British colony on 26th September with over 700 people onboard. About 30 passengers and crew were rescued after the Joola overturned.
Wed October 9th
Stranded Queen rescued on freezing river.
The Queen and the the Duke of Edinburgh were rescued when their boat broke down in freezing temperatures on Winnipeg’s Red River during her visit to Canada.
Tues Oct 22nd
Vietnamese divers have finished recovering more than 50,000 ceramic objects including bowls,vases,plates,and cups from an ancient shipwreck off the the country’s central coast. The objects, thought to be from the early 17th century, still need to be dated and identified by archaeologists.
Wed Oct 23rd
Canada’s Martel wins Booker Prize .
Yann Martel wrote a winning novel about a boy brought up in an Indian zoo. When their family moves to live in Canada, their boat is shipwrecked and Pi finds himself on a raft with a hyena, an orangutang, a zebra and a Bengal tiger.
During
Mon 28th October
Holed warship gets piggyback home.
A crippled high-tec British warship the HMS Nottingham, holed on rocks near a remote Tasmania Sea island three months ago, is set to leave Australia today for a six-week ride home on a heavy-lift ship back.
Tues Oct 29th
Quebec diver says he’ll go to UN to push for sale of shipwreck items.
Philip Beaudry said he plans to go to the next UNESCO meeting in Dec to argue Canada is not justified in blocking him from selling objects he recovered from Canada’s worst shipwreck in 1914.
After
Tues Nov 19th
Massive pollution feared as oil spill tanker sinks off Spain.
Tues 5th Dec
Singapore slick as ships collide.
Sat 14th Dec
Ship sinks after Channel collision ( Norwegian car-carrier).
This article cleverly sums up the theme of the proving of ‘Shipwreck’ :
Friday 13th Dec 2002
Author Cussler, master of sea adventures, to retire.
After 3 decades of spinning tales about lost ships and sunken treasures , Clive Cussler, author of best-selling adventure books «Raise the Titanic» and «Night Probe!», is tired and plans to quit. 71 yr old Cussler said in an interview : » The imagination is still working, but the drive is just gone. I can’t explain it. I guess (after) 35 years of this stuff. ………I’m tired of it.»
Physical symptoms
As this proving only lasted a week, the physical symptoms are mostly acute and centre around cold-like feelings, feeling cold , low thirst, headaches and nocturia (weeing in the night).
P2. «Wed 30th October 6.20am. Started sneezing about 5 mins after taking pill, got small headache, but didn’t last long. (Don’t often have headaches).»
P2. «Sat 2nd November 4.55am…….noticed I have the habit of going to the toilet in the middle of the night, these past few nights.»
P2. » Sun 3rd November 5.45am. Awoke, extremely cold, noticed change of temperature and felt dizzy walking to toilet. Have heavy head cold, blocked and runny nose.»
P3. «Sat 2nd November . Slept badly, was cold in the night.»
P5. » Tues «29th October 8am fluent choryza, clear both nostrils. Coughing 10-10.40 small white phlegm. Mild headache L temple (on and off all day) Hot and feverish in evening, gland swelling in neck from 4-9. Slept (in my overcoat) 6.00 — 7.15 .»
P6. «Tues 29th October. At 21.00 feel sneezy, it does not feel like a cold but more like a kind of allergy. It goes after a while.»
P6. «Wed 30th October. 7.00 Woke up, I’ve got a bit of a runny nose, just a little bit.»
P6. «Thurs 31st October. 11.30 Began to feel tired and headachy, fluish??»
P1. » Thurs 31st October. 8.30am I wake up feeling OK but a little snotty!»
P7. » Tues 30th Oct I woke in the night for a wee.» » Thurs 31st Oct I woke up in the night for a wee.» » Fri 1st Nov I woke up in the night for a wee.» » Sat 2nd Nov Took 5th and final pill before bed last night. I woke up in the night for a wee.»……….after he’d finished the pills this didn’t happen again.
The provers dreams
As is sometimes the case in provings, the dreams said a lot.
This prover dreamt what other provers actually had happen, that he couldn’t reach his destination.
P1. » I dreamt of taking a bus journey and missing my stop and having to get off at a terminus I didn’t know. Another passenger had done the same and it took us a long time to find where we were and how to get back.»
This prover had a element of water that shouldn’t have been there :
P2. «Dreamt of walking up stairs and stairs with a friend to look for the right office, have instructions to look for a red button with writing on but there were lots of doors, with lots of red buttons. Lots of people inside the offices, doing lots of paperwork. Waited in the hallway for a friend. When we got to the bottom there was a deep water, instead of ground and people were talking about mortgages, and what good deals they got in different jobs and countries. I listened silently , but not happy about people’s hints that I’d eventually have to get a mortgage?!!»
This prover had lots of water and sea dreams.
P6. «I am cleaning the fridge, using lots of water and I remember being in a bad mood.»
» Another about cleansing : I am in the bathroom of my grandmother’s house, where we spent every holiday as children and teenagers. A very big house in a village. A piece seems to be missing from the shower. Someone has used it for the WC pipe. I find this very strange so take the shower piece to put back in the tap shower but for some reason it is now inside the WC. There is an Indian girl with me who is worried about catching an infection if she gets it. I put my hand down the WC and get it and realise it looks like a semiprecious gem (a bit like rose quartz) with a hole in it (for the water I suppose).»
«I am swimming in the sea. I remember a big rock on the right, open sea. There are two diver men around as well looking for something. It surprises me to see the big mask on their faces, they seem old-fashioned to me. The water is clean but not crystal clear. I decide I do not want to know that is beneath for the moment.»
This prover combined a dream and a physical symptom on the second day :
P7. » I woke up in the night for a wee. I was dreaming something about being outside in the British semi-countryside with girls and there were ditches and moisture.»
More dreams of water :
P3. «Had a very weird dream about a strange complex of living accommodation. Made up of old middle eastern type houses all sandstone and stone floors with no doors but arches dividing the rooms and also derelict houses and very smart ones all together. There was a funny swimming pool that roared like the sea.»
The silly thing about doing a proving, is finding out afterwards why things happened the way they did. The Helvetia, on her journey to Swansea, had started in Canada ……….but what threw me completely was re-reading the provers dreams and finding this :
Prover 3 : «Tuesday , 29th October………….. ‘then we were in a street and we were hiding from Canadian Mounties behind a wall! Then, N (her husband) got on a bus which drove through a different restaurant (her previous dream was about a restaurant) and it came out of the back of the restaurant and N dived into a swimming pool from the top of the bus. The swimming pool was a very large bathtub and there was another man sitting in it we were all talking together with another man who had a net tied around his tongue!!»
Another prover picked up where the boat ended up, in Wales……….
Prover 7 : «Thursday 31st October………………. ‘Dreamt of being with the same girl ( as in previous dream) in a airport Waiting Lounge for Welsh speakers ; they were not talking to each other, and although it wasn’t overt, it was probably because the girl and I (English speakers) were there that they weren’t being friendly towards each other.»
Not only did he dream about Wales, but this happened :
«Had to visit a customer after work. Couldn’t find the house — pissed off. I tuned into BBC Radio Wales and felt great comfort — cos I don’t want to hear English people.»
Having had a dose of this remedy myself and observing how I felt compared to the provers, the feeling is of not being able to start/complete/enjoy things. The sensations are wholly of being blocked……………………..and I hearby release those feelings!!!
I fancy giving a dose to Clive Cussler…………..maybe I will………..maybe I won’t!
For further details of this remedy, please email me.

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